“Sometimes I feel like a little horse. I get a kick out of it.”
Ponies, or Pwnies, (Equus ittybittyus smallus), are some of nature's most fearsome creatures. A distant relative of the larger, even more appealing horse, they are also very cute. They are prized for their giant size compared to cats, their tails, and their impressive Grue riding skills as well as for their ability to breathe fire from their asses. Grues ride them into battle. Although there are no documented cases of a Grue battle, the Grue Central News Agency (GNCA) has reported this to be true. Recent controversial evidence has surfaced by news agency competitor, the Grue Broadcasting Assocation (GBA), that Grues may have faced the Owe-Em-Gees in an epic cavalry battle, during the Hyperspace wars. The Owe-Em-Gees preferred a more elusive species of ponies first discovered by RMS. Ponies are often referred to as "Strontin" by their owners. They are known to be the most ferocious animal in Africa in terms of death and destruction.
Ponies, like Rock Stars and Hollywood actors, are prized for their amazing drug sniffing abilities. They can sniff out a boatload of cocaine from 900 kilometres away and sniff 900 kilograms of cocaine into their lungs in less than a minute. This isn't actually very useful as ponies can't communicate with customs officers and thus cannot point out the boat full of drugs heading into Los Angeles; or tell fellow hobboes that need it.
However, in Luxembourg, ponies are an invaluable asset, as the country has a radius of exactly 900 kilometres in diameter and thus anyone entering the circular country at the time that the pony, placed in the exact centre, reacts to drugs is summarily executed. This has happened 7 times.
Thousands of miniature ponies are also in the employment of Columbian drug cartels and Customs offices, all of which are run by the notorious crime lord, Princess Celestia. These minute ponies, being 6.2 times smaller than your average pony, are excellent at detecting high quality drugs within 9 meters of them, using a form of alchemy commonly known as ' pony magic '. The ponies piddle pools everywhere when they are close. George Michael has dozens of miniature ponies in his house, and bathes in the urine. A common stratergy used by drug cartels is to make a pony sniff 900 kilos of drugs, trasport the pony across the border, and then open the pony up to sell the drugs in its lungs.
The only people who ride these creatures are stuck up snobby 10 year olds, whose mommy and daddy dish out their well earned dosh for Candice and Maisy-Lee to sit on the beast's back for an hour, this often creates brats and assholes, as well as sex-confusion. Just because it's the latest craze, or that they want to be a "top-rider" when they grow up. In fact if they get their way, they might even get their parents to buy them their own pony (Which they will inevitably grow tired of after 6 months and use the worthless animal to have sex with; see: centaurs). After years of torment and penetration the child will grow bored with its once very much loved pony and leave it to rot away in a paddock, this is when trouble starts.
The pony is not getting old but having a baby, or a pony person. This is when after years of rape a demented being is shat out, called a peony! It is also known as an Emu.
Shetland (Home of emo ponies), Dartmoor, the New Forest and Waddinxveen are excellent places to find ponies. But are not for the faint hearted. Actor, Nicholas Lyndhurst was eaten by a New Forest Pony around 1990. (They named a town in his honour.) Ponies which have a distinct smell of weed and unwashed hippos are very good at smelling out purple things. If you are going to approach a pony, you must first cover your self in de-cafeinated coffee and tie a chicken to your head or they will make you as unproportionate as they are. Ponies like to eat cows heads, and they like pie too. Before a cow is dead, it drinks its pee or urine and practices afterwards necrophilia.
The Great Pony Horse War
The Pony homeland, The Democratic Equestrian Republic of Ponyea, capital Ponyongyang, was created after the Capitalist Horses of The Republic of Horserea invaded in 1953. The war resulted in over 9,000 million Pony casualties; the most since The Great Pony Famine of 1843. The war ended with a decisive ceasefire due to the Southern Horse's economy stagnation due to starvation, whilst a strategic alliance with the Grues has ensured that no one goes into dark places.
Besides helping drug cartels, ponies are notorious for their own drug rings, many of which are located in Bill Gate's earwax. They distribute Cocaine-Cola, Pop Crack, and other prescription drugs to the unknowing masses of ponies in Los Ponyles, making them all drunk and stupid.