Presidential Baseball Classic
Dick Willie Johnson: Hey there folks! Welcome to the much anticipated Presidential Baseball Classic! I'm joined with my good friend, Bud 'Lite' Bigmeat. Bud? Damnit, Bud! Wake the hell up, we're live!
Bud 'Lite' Bigmeat: ..AAhagh! Yes, hello everybody and welcome to the World Series....
Dick: No, Bud. It's the Presidential Baseball Classic.
Bud: Sure.
(sounds of slapping)
Bud: STOP THAT SHIT!
Dick: Anyway, let's go over the line-ups.
Presidents United lineup
| Position | Name |
|---|---|
| SS | George Washington |
| RF | James K. Polk |
| 3B | Grover Cleveland |
| 2B | Abraham Lincoln |
| 1B | Donald Trump |
| LF | Jimmy Carter |
| C | Woodrow Wilson |
| CF | William Howard Taft |
| P | Lyndon B. Johnson |
Washington's Finest lineup
| Position | Name |
|---|---|
| SS | John F. Kennedy |
| RF | Richard Nixon |
| 3B | Ronald Reagan |
| 2B | Joe Biden |
| 1B | Barack Obama |
| LF | Bill Clinton |
| C | George W. Bush |
| CF | Theodore Roosevelt |
| P | Dwight D. Eisenhower |
Bud: These are very evenly matched teams, but I think that Washington's Finest should've put Biden at right field instead of second base. That way he can have a nice open field to have a nap in.
Dick: Good one! I agree with you Bud, these teams are very even. Looks like the action is about to start.
First inning
Dick: The Presidents United will be batting first. Looking forward to seeing how Eisenhower deals with the power hitters on that team.
Bud: I'm not. (sounds of beer chugging in the background)
Dick: Christ almighty. Stop drinking, were on the air! Anyway, Washington is at-bat. Let's see how the first president does. Here's the pitch!
Bud: Oh! Nice fastball by Eisenhower, really sped right by Washington. Strike one!
Dick: Very good pitch. I've been hearing about Eisenhower's curveball. Maybe he'll throw it next. Oh my god. Look at Biden down there! He really is taking a nap.
Bud: I fucking told you! He's using second base as a pillow! Kennedy better wake him up.
CRACK
Dick: Ohhh! The ball is ripped down center field, this might be a double! Washington is chugging for second base! Here comes the throw!
Bud: Aaaannnddd.. He's safe! Good throw by Roosevelt, but an even better hit by Washington. The game starts out with a double.
Dick: Uh oh. Look down there, his cleats really dug into Biden's face on that slide. He is definitely hurting down there.
Bud: *belch* Ah, he probably didn't even feel it, he's either still asleep or he was knocked unconscious. (more chugging can be heard)
Dick: Oh well, I'm sure Biden can take it. Polk is up to bat. I heard when Polk was president, he was batting a .278. Not bad.
Bud: Not good enough, he just whiffed on that curveball. Strike one.
Dick: You can tell he's angry about that one. But you really gotta admire Polk's passion for the game. He is definitely not a quitter, Bud.
Bud: Nice slider by Eisenhower right there, almost had Polk swinging, but it was a ball.
Dick: Nice even count now. Here's the pitch. CRACK Line drive to th- OOOOHH!! What a catch by Reagan!
Bud: Terrific reaction time by Reagan on that catch. If he didn't put his glove up, his face would've been cracked. First out of the game, wow!
Dick: Now Grover Cleveland steps up to the plate. Fastball down the middle. Cleveland should've swung at that one.
Bud: Definitely, if he made contact Washington might have scored a run.
Dick: Wow, nice slider by Eisenhower right there. Strike two.
Bud: What a nasty pitch right there. (sounds of beer can being crushed)
Dick: How many of those have you had, Bud?
Bud: Lost count after the first five.
Dick: My god.
CRACK
Dick: Grounder to shortstop. Good luck to Cleveland getting to first in time, chubby bastard. Yup, just as expected, thrown out. But, Washington got to third in time. Kennedy really should've thrown to third, no way Cleveland was getting to first within 10 seconds.
Bud: I agree with you, Dick. Could've ended the first half of the inning if it wasn't for that error.
Dick: Uh oh. We got Abrahamn Lincoln at the plate. If I had to say, Bud, I think Lincoln is bringing Washington home.
Bud: I agree, Washington can be attractive at times, and I've heard Lincoln's place is nice. Don't blame Lincoln at all.
Dick: Wh- wha- what? Damnit Bud, I meant that Lincoln is going to bring in a scoring run this at-bat. You faggot! Christ, you always get like this when you're drunk.
CRACK
Bud: Fly ball! Biden has finally woken up and is now under the ball. Easy ca- HE DROPPED IT! WASHINGTON IS SAFE AT HOME AND LINCOLN IS SAFE AT FIRST!
Dick: That is actually unbelievable. Who cleared this man to play baseball? Look, now Biden is fumbling over the ball, I think he's trying to pick it up, but he may also be having a seizure. Oh! Look at this, Bud! Lincoln is booking for second base! SAFE! Eisenhower now runs over to Biden and snatches the ball from him. He throws it to first to stop the run. I have NEVER seen anything like this in all of my years playing baseball.
Bud: That's at least a few more beers I gotta knock down to forget that shit.
Dick: Hopefully Trump can emphasize on that clusterfuck. He's up to bat now.
CRACK
Bud: Grounder to first, Obama steps on the base. Top of the first inning comes to a conclusion.
Bottom of the first
Dick: Now it's time for Washington's Finest to bat. First up; John F. Kennedy. Excited to see how Lyndon B. Johnson pitches this game.
Bud: I got high hopes for Kennedy in this game. Such an open-minded baseball player, but sometimes it's like he has a hole in his head.
Dick: Agreed, it's like his brain is scattered sometimes. But it's not very often he makes errors.
Bud: (knocking more beer back) Aaahh... Here's the pitch.
CRACK
Dick: OOOOOHHH! This ball is absolutely crushed towards left field! Going, going, go- OH! WHAT A CATCH BY JIMMY CARTER!
Bud: Wow, Carter really robbed that one from Kennedy. I thought for sure that was going to hit a toddler in the head.
Dick: Me too, Bud.
Bud: Look at this, Richard Nixon steps up to the plate.
Dick: You never know with Tricky Dick, that bat could be corked right now. Slimy bastard.
Bud: Wow! That fastball registered at 101mph. Lyndon B. Johnson is throwing some heat out there! Swing and miss by Nixon!
Dick: Listen to the crowd. They love it!
Bud: Here's another pitch. Nasty screwball by Johnson. Two strikes for Nixon.
Dick: Nixon might strike out here.
Bud: Uh oh! Johnson just drilled the ball into Nixon's side.
Dick: Oh yeah, he's on the ground in pain. But the crowd is loving it!
Bud: The umpire is not going to give Nixon first base, because Nixon never made an attempt to move out of the way. (whiskey bottle pops open, chugging sounds can be heard)
Dick: Pass some of that over here, Bud. (chugging sounds) Aaahh, that hit the spot.
Bud: So you're okay with drinking on the air now?
Dick: Yeah, why not. After Biden's blunder I need one.
Bud: Nixon stands back up. Ready to bat again.
Dick: Oh! He strikes out looking! Amazing curveball by Johnson.
Bud: Now Reagan is up to bat. This could be the final at bat of the inning.
Dick: It very well could be, Bud. Here comes the pitch. CRACK OOOOOHHH! Hammered towards center field! William Howard Taft's fat ass is slowly waddling towards the ball. He gets it! Here is the relay throw. Washington catches it. Throw to third, and Reagan is safe at third! He is safe!
Bud: (chugging noises, and a loud thud is heard)
Dick: Get your drunk ass up, Bud! Reagan just hit a triple!
Bud: That was almost as crazy as Biden's error.
Dick: Oh no. Biden is up to bat. May lord have mercy on our souls.
Bud: Did Biden just bring a wiffleball bat to the plate? He did! This fool!
Dick: Now the umpire is telling Biden about needing an actual bat. Such a shame.
Bud: I agree. (whiskey chugging)
Dick: Here's the pitch. Wow, look at that Bud. Johnson simply threw the ball towards Biden at 47 mph, and Biden STILL missed.
Bud: Another one, strike two. And there's strike three. Biden struck out looking at a 43 mph pitch.
Dick: He's not leaving the batter's box. He thinks he still started the at bat.
Bud: The inning is over and he's not moving, has he fell asleep standing up?
Dick: I think he has. Wow, look at that.
Presidents United - 1 Washington's Finest - 0
Second inning
Bud: The home-run robber himself, Jimmy Carter, is up to bat.
Dick: That was an amazing catch.
CRACK
Bud: Nice hit by Carter. Carter got a single.
Dick: Now Wilson is up to bat.
CRACK
Bud: Grounds the ball to shortstop, Kennedy throws the ball to Biden. BIDEN CATCHES IT! Biden throws to first, DOUBLE PLAY! Wow, Biden somehow made a double play. That ALMOST makes up for that blunder. Oh, he's asleep already.
Dick: (chugging noises) What the hell did I just witness? Of all people, Biden gets a double play?
Bud: I know right? Anyway, here is big boy Taft up to bat. He may be slow, but he has some power on him.
Dick: Oof, Taft missed by a mile on that curveball. Nice one by Eisenhower.
Bud: Eisenhower's pitching has been very good so far.
CRACK
Dick: Oh, this one has some distance on it! Going, going, GONE! TAFT HITS THE FIRST HOME-RUN OF THE GAME!
Bud: That big bastard did it! It's out of the park!
Dick: It's been about 30 seconds after the home-run, and Taft is now just getting to second base.
Bud: Let's have a drink, it might be a bit until Taft gets to home.
(chugging noises are heard, Bud falls over again)
Dick: Ah, there we go. Taft has finally reached home plate, and boy, is he out of breath.
Bud: Now it's the Presidents United pitcher, LBJ, up to bat.
Dick: Swing and miss.
Bud: Here comes the second pitch, way outside the zone. WOW! The umpire called it a strike! Oh boy, the crowd does not like this. There goes a beer bottle! OOOH! It hits the umpire right on the head. The ump is now rubbing his head, that shit had to have hurt.
Dick: Johnson is back in the batter's box, SWING and miss! Strike out!
Bottom of the second inning
Dick: Not a bad showing from the Presidents United last half inning.
Bud: Yep, Taft really ripped that ball.
Dick: Here is Barack Obama, up to bat for Washington's Finest. Let's see if he can get something going.
CRACK
Bud: Deep hit into left field. Jimmy Carter sprints towards it, here comes the relay throw. Obama slides! OUT! Obama is out at second! (chugging whiskey)
Dick: Nice hustle by Obama there, but it just wasn't enough for a double.
Bud: Here comes Bill Clinton to bat.
CRACK
Dick: Line drive! Ripping past Cleveland's head at third base. Carter throws it to second, Clinton stays at first.
Bud: Perfectly placed hit by Clinton. You love to see it. Now Clinton is talking about sexual relations with a woman? Crazy bastard.
Dick Next up, George W. Bush. Let's see how he deals with Johnson's pitching.
CRACK
Dick: HOLY FUCK! THIS BALL IS OUT OF HERE! GONE! HOME-RUN!
Bud: (chugging and Bud is heard falling over, with glass breaking)
Dick: Oh fuck, Bud! You smashed the whiskey bottle! Now we gotta get someone to get us more.
Bud: Fucgh..a.
Dick: Okay, Bud. Here comes the powerhouse, Teddy Roosevelt.
Bud: Terrific slider by Johnson. Strike one.
CRACK
Dick: Teddy hits a pop fly, and Johnson catches it.
Bud: Eisenhower, up to bat.
CRACK
Dick: Softly hit ground ball into the shortstop. Washington throws it to first, and Eisenhower is out. Amazing inning for Washington's Finest. They scored two runs off of a home-run, now it's a tied ball game, folks!
Presidents United - 2 Washington's Finest - 2
Third inning
Bud: Presidents United are now batting.
Dick: Yep, the batting rotation has now rotated back to first, and Washington will be batting.
Bud: OOOHH! Eisenhower just beaned Washington in the face with a fastball!
Dick: He sure did. Oh man, Washington's wooden teeth are falling out. That pitch registered as 98 mph.
Bud: Here's the thing, Washington still foolishly swung, and that will count as a strike!
Dick: (chugging noises) Mhm, Washington must be very frustrated right now.
Bud: Well, he's back on his feet, and is ready to knock this ball out of the park. Pass that whiskey over here, Dick.
Dick: Sure thing. Swing and miss from Washington.
Bud: Here's the pitch.
CRACK
Bud: Line drive to se- OOOHHH! Biden is blasted in the head with that line drive! I can't tell if that was the crack of the bat, or the crack of Biden's skull!
Dick: Washington is still safe at first, as Nobody cares.
Bud: Biden is still laying on the ground, as Polk steps back up at the plate.
CRACK
Dick: OOOHHH! Another line drive towards Biden's head! Washington advances to second and Polk is safe at first.
Bud: That right there is just brutal.
Dick: Nobody cares. Cleveland is up to bat.
CRACK
Bud: Pop fly to second base, this might conk Biden in the noggin again if Kennedy doesn't get under it in time. OOOHH! It landed in Biden's glove, and will count as an out! Washington and Polk are forced to stay at second and first as Kennedy takes the ball out of Biden's glove.
Dick: That is truly amazing. I've never seen anything like this. (more whiskey chugging)
Bud: Lincoln is at the plate now. Swing and miss. 101 mph fastball by Eisenhower.
Dick: You gotta love his pitching in this game. Woah! What a knuckle ball by Eisenhower. You don't see them much anymore.
Bud: Wow, look at that huge lead Washington has. He's pretty far away from the base.
Dick: Yup, he su- OH! Here's the pick off throw! Washington takes off for third! Kennedy throws to third base! Eisenhower now runs to put Biden on the base, since he's still unconscious. Washington runs back to second, Reagan throws it back to Kennedy. Washington is in a pickle here! Washington turns back to third, Kennedy back to Reagan. Washington once AGAIN runs back to second! Reagan MISSES the throw to Kennedy! IT LANDS IN BIDEN'S GLOVE! Washington is already sliding to second base! WASHINGTON'S FOOT TOUCHES HIS GLOVE! WASHINGTON IS OUT! OH MY GOODNESS!
Bud: (pounding down whiskey)
Dick: That is absolutely unreal, you know that? I have never seen that in my entire life.
Bud: Christ almighty, Lincoln is still at the plate. STRIKE OUT! Wow! What a chaotic half inning!
Bottom of the third inning
Dick: Now Washington's Finest are batting again. Stepping up to the plate is Kennedy, let's see what he can do.
CRACK
Bud: This ball is hit into right field. Polk scoops the ball up, Kennedy stays at first base.
Dick: Nice hit by Kennedy to get on base.
Bud: Nixon is now batting.
Dick: Nice curveball by Johnson to get the strike.
CRACK
Bud: This ball is smashed into center field! Kennedy advances to second, Nixon stays at first.
Dick: Two men on base, going good for the Finest.
Bud: Reagan up to bat.
Dick: Let's see if Johnson has something special for Reagan. Here's the pitch. OH BUT KENNEDY IS TAKING OFF FOR THIRD! Wilson throws to third but it's too slow! Kennedy has stolen third base!
Bud: Wow! What an amazing display of quickness shown by Kennedy.
Dick: Reagan is still batting. He has one strike.
Bud: Strike two! STRIKE THREE! Reagan struck out!
Dick: Let's see if someone else can bring Kennedy home, and not whatever you're thinking of, Bud.
Bud: AND IT'S JOE BIDEN BATTING! He bunts! Joe Biden bunts! Kennedy is chugging towards home. Nixon advances to second but Biden can't make it to first in time. Sacrifice bunt to score the run!
Dick: Somehow Biden laid down the perfect bunt to score a run.
Bud: Now we have Barack Obama at the plate. WOW! That fastball went right by Obama, registering at 102 mph from Johnson.
Dick: Strike two! STRIKE THREE! Obama has struck out. What a way to end the inning!
Presidents United - 2 Washington's Finest - 3
Fourth inning
Bud: Presidents United are batting now. Donald Trump steps up to the plate.
CRACK
Dick: Oh! This ball is blasted towards center-left! Bill Clinton and Teddy Roosevelt are running to catch the ball! THEY COLLIDE! Teddy and Bill collided! Trump is rounding second base, steaming for third. Teddy stands up and quickly throws the ball back in. Kennedy catches it, Kennedy throws it to third, but it's too late. Trump is SAFE at third base! Trump just hit a triple!
Bud: (chugging whiskey)
Dick: Let's see if Jimmy Carter can get Trump to score. Nice curveball by Eisenhower! Strike one. Fastball down at the knees. Strike two. OOOH! Carter strikes out swinging!
Bud: What a rough at bat for Carter. Better luck next time, I guess.
Dick: The catcher, Woodrow Wilson, is now up to bat.
CRACK
Bud: Pop fly towards first base. It's caught. What is Trump doing? TRUMP IS CHUGGING FOR HOME! NO! STOP! Obama throws it to Reagan and Trump is out! Trump never tagged back up! DUMBASS! The first half of this inning is over!
Dick: WOW! What a terrible mistake by Trump. A very costly error.
Bottom of the fourth inning
Bud: Washington's Finest is now back to batting.
Dick: Yep, now it'll be Bill Clinton batting. Nasty collision he had with Roosevelt earlier.
CRACK
Bud: This ball is hit towards second base, Lincoln scoops it up and makes the throw to first. Clinton couldn't make it to first in time.
Dick: If he was slightly faster, he might've made it to first.
Bud: George W. Bush is now batting.
CRACK
Dick: Foul ball. It lands in the stands, I think it just hit a toddler in the head. That's badass!
CRACK
Bud: This ball is hit hard to center field, but it bounces OVER the wall and it will be a ground rule double.
Dick: Here is Teddy Roosevelt! Let's see what this beast of a man can do.
CRACK
Bud: AND THIS BALL IS ABSOLUTELY DEMOLISHED. GOING, GOING, GONE! ADD TWO RUNS TO THE SCORE!
Dick: (whiskey chugging)
Bud: Truly amazing. Now, here comes Eisenhower. He's been doing a great job pitching.
CRACK
Dick: Eisenhower hits the ball into center field, he stays at first.
Bud: Kennedy steps up to the plate.
CRACK
Dick: Uh oh, he hits it to shortstop, Washington flips it to Lincoln, and Lincoln throws it to Trump. Nice double play there. End of the fourth inning.
Presidents United - 2 Washington's Finest - 5
Fifth inning
Bud: Welcome to the fifth inning, our scores are separated by three runs. Presidents United are now batting.
Dick: Here comes Taft, batting. Let's see what the big guy can do.
CRACK
Bud: This ball is absolutely HAMMERED out to left field! This is the fastest I've ever seen Taft run! Holy shit! The big bastard got to third!
Dick: Never thought I would see the day where Taft gets a triple! This game has been absolutely insane!
Bud: I couldn't agree with you more, Dick. Now Johnson is up to bat. Swing and miss. Look at Taft, he's chugging for home! George W. Bush doesn't realize it, and he just threw it back to the pitcher! Eisenhower has already noticed but accidentally dropped the ball! He throws it back to Bush! BUT TAFT IS SAFE! WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT JUST STOLE HOME PLATE, FOLKS! (whiskey chugging)
Dick: (more whiskey chugging) HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! THE BIG BASTARD DID IT!
Bud: I have never seen a game like this in my life. This is Bat Fuck Insane!
Dick: You can say that twice, Bud.
Bud: Alright, Johnson is still batting. STRIKEOUT! Johnson has struck out!
Dick: Batting order now flips over, and Washington is batting.
CRACK
Bud: Washington hits a line drive into third base, BUT IT'S CAUGHT BY REAGAN! TWO OUTS!
Dick: (chugging whiskey) I can't do this shit anymore!
Bud: Here comes Polk to show people how it's done. Oh, he swung and missed. And again. And again. First half of the fifth inning is over, folks.
Bottom of the fifth inning
Dick: Here we are at the bottom of the fifth inning. It's time for Washington's Finest to hit.
Bud: Nixon is up to bat. Let's see how this goes.
CRACK
Dick: Foul ball. Strike one.
CRACK
Dick: Another foul ball. Strike two. SWING and miss! Nixon struck out after fouling off two balls!
Bud: This has been a wild game.
Dick: Reagan steps up to the plate.
CRACK
Bud: THIS BALL IS OBLITERATED TO LEFT FIELD! GOING, GOING, GONE! REAGAN HITS A HOME-RUN!
Dick: (chugging whiskey)
Bud: Pass that over here, Dick.
Dick: Yup. Now JOE BIDEN IS UP TO BAT! LET'S GO!
CRACK
Bud: Oh no, that wasn't the bat. That was Biden's skull. That's his like, fourth head injury?
Dick: I think so, Bud. Nasty fastball to the head by Johnson. I'm sure he'll be fine.
Bud: Biden rises back up, and takes his batting stance.
Dick: STRIKEOUT! Biden, unsurprisingly, strikes out! Now he's actually stepping out of the batter's box. Maybe those baseballs to the head kickstarted his motor skills.
Bud: It could have, Dick.
Dick: Now Barack Obama is at the plate.
CRACK
Bud: Lightly hit to third, Cleveland throws to Trump. Obama is out. Obama has been struggling a bit this game, and the inning is over.
Presidents United - 3 Washington's Finest - 5
Sixth inning
Dick: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us on another inning of the Presidential Baseball Classic.
Bud: Now the Presidents United will be batting. Grover Cleveland is at bat.
CRACK
Dick: Pop fly to the pitcher, Eisenhower easily catches it. Very quick out.
Bud: Abraham Lincoln steps up to the plate. Here's the pitch.
CRACK
Dick: Lightly hit ball to second base, Biden somehow tosses it over to first, and of course Lincoln is safe.
Bud: I don't know how Biden even got a hold of it, and more surprisingly even threw it.
Dick: Donald Trump is up to bat.
CRACK
Bud: Looks like a weak hit towards shortstop, Kennedy steps on the bag, throws it to Obama, and that's a double play. What a quick half inning for the Presidents United, who didn't get much done.
Bottom of sixth inning
Dick: Washington's Finest has been doing very good this game, let's see what they can do in the sixth inning.
Bud: Looks like Bill Clinton is batting.
CRACK
Dick: This ball is hit HARD out to right field, it's going towards the fence! POLK CATCHES IT! POLK ROBS CLINTON OF A HOME-RUN! Insane!
Bud: You gotta be frustrated if you're Clinton right now. I'd probably be using Biden as a punching bag if I was down there.
Dick: George W. Bush is up next. Swing and miss. Fastball down the middle, nice velocity by Johnson. Strike two.
Bud: Not looking good for George in this at bat.
CRACK
Dick: The ball is carrying out to right field! Once again going towards the fence! Can Polk get there? Aaannnndd, YES! POLK ROBBED ANOTHER HOME-RUN! Can you believe it, Bud?
Bud: (whiskey chugging)
Dick: Give that shit here. (chugging whiskey)
Bud: Here is Teddy Roosevelt, ready to smash this ball.
CRACK
Dick: The ball is SMASHED towards right field. No, it can't happen a third time! It's going towards the fence! AAANNNNDDD! POLK CAUGHT IT! POLK HAS ROBBED THREE HOME-RUNS THIS INNING! THE INNING IS OVER! MY GOODNESS!
Bud: (chugging whiskey)
Presidents United - 3 Washington's Finest - 5
Seventh inning
Dick: Welcome back to some more Presidential Baseball! Thank you for sticking around with us and we hope you enjoy the seventh inning! Presidents United is batting.
Bud: Jimmy Carter is up to bat.
CRACK
Dick: Hard hit towards left field, Carter stays at first but I think he could've barely got to second.
Bud: I agree. Next to bat, is Woodrow Wilson.
CRACK
Dick: Another hard hit to left field, Carter advances to second and Wilson stays at first.
Bud: Nothing too exciting so far in the inning.
Dick: Maybe that will change, as big boy Taft steps up to the plate.
CRACK
Bud: Line drive to Kennedy, it's caught. Kennedy steps on the bag to get Wilson out. CARTER SLIPS ON HIS RUN TO THIRD AND KENNEDY TAGS HIM! UNASSISTED TRIPLE PLAY! OH MY FUCKING GOD!
Dick: (extreme whiskey chugging)
Bottom of the seventh
Dick: I cannot believe Kennedy got an unassisted triple play! Absolutely insane.
Bud: I know right? This game has been fucking wild so far.
Dick: Here comes Eisenhower, ready to bat.
CRACK
Bud: This ball is hit hard to right field, Polk scoops it up, and Eisenhower was very close to being safe. So close but no cigar.
Dick: But hey, we have the unassisted triple play king himself. John Fitzgerald Kennedy. He is now batting.
Bud: What a tremendous play by Kennedy that last inning.
CRACK
Dick: It can't be. THIS BALL IS HAMMERED TOWARDS CENTER FIELD, GOING, GOING, GONE! THIS BALL IS FUCKING GONE! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!
Bud: (extreme whiskey chugging)
Dick: I don't think Nixon can replicate anything like that, let's see though. He's batting.
CRACK
Bud: Pop fly, looks like Washington is settling under it. He catches it. Second out for the Finest.
Dick: Here is Ronald Reagan, looking to hit another dinger.
CRACK
Dick: Nope, it's softly hit towards Washington and it's an easy out. Inning over.
Presidents United - 3 Washington's Finest - 6
Eighth inning
Bud: Welcome back to the Presidential Baseball Classic. We have just started the eighth inning. Presidents United need to mount a comeback, they're down three runs.
Dick: Let's see if LBJ can come up with anything. Strike one, strike two, and strike three. Wow, he didn't make contact with any of those, Bud. Presidents United are really having a late-game meltdown.
Bud: They sure are, now the batting rotation has flipped and Washington is up at the plate.
CRACK
Dick: Ball is hit deep into center field, the throw comes in from Roosevelt. Washington is turning for second! Joe Biden catches it?! Washington is tagged out. Fucking dumbass! He got tagged out by Joe Biden! They're getting greedy and desperate.
Bud: I fully agree with you, they need to stay calm and try to put some runs on the board, and have a game plan.
Dick: Polk is back at the plate. He needs to get something done here or else there might not be much hope for Presidents United.
CRACK
Bud: The ball is hit hard on a line drive to second ba- OOOHH! IT SMASHES OFF OF JOE BIDEN'S HEAD AND THE BALL FLIES INTO OBAMAS' GLOVE! POLK IS OUT! POLK IS OUT!
Dick: (insanely crazy whiskey chugging)
Bottom of the eighth inning
Bud: If you ask me, the game might be all but over at this point. Eisenhower is just too good of a pitcher.
Dick: I'd have to agree with you, Bud. This has been a great battle, and a fantastic one to watch.
Bud: JOE BIDEN IS UP TO BAT!
Dick: Let's see what sleepy Joe can do, hm?
CRACK
Bud: SLEEPY JOE ABSOLUTELY HAMMERS THIS BALL DEEP, AND I MEAN DEEP INTO CENTER FIELD! THIS BALL IS GONE! HOLY SHIT!
Dick: (outrageous amount of whiskey chugging)
Bud: I don't think I can take anymore of this game, Dick. May lord have mercy on my fuckin' soul!
Dick: Well, Obama is up to bat. Obama hasn't been doing so good this game.
CRACK
Bud: Obama hits the ball into left field. He slides into first base like a moron.
Dick: Nice hit by Obama.
Bud: Up next to bat is Bill Clinton. Let's see what he can cook up, other than allegations.
CRACK
Dick: Looks like he cooked up a single, Obama advances to second and Clinton is safe at first. Great hit.
Bud: George W. Bush is up next.
CRACK
Dick: Bush hits it into center field, and Obama advances to third, Clinton advances to second, and Bush is safe at first. The bases are loaded!
Bud: Terrific batting by the Washington's Finest.
Dick: At the plate, Theodore Roosevelt.
CRACK
Bud: OH MY GOD! THIS BALL IS HAMMERED DEEP INTO CENTER FIELD! GOING, GOING, GOING, GOING, GOING! GONE! OH MY GOODNESS! TEDDY ROOSEVELT HITS A GRAND SLAM AT THE BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH!
Dick: (chugging the 11th bottle of whiskey)
Bud: Eisenhower is now up to bat. He bunts! Eisenhower bunts and is thrown out at first.
Dick: He did that one on purpose, it's just brutal to even try at this point.
Bud: I agree, Eisenhower could've easily smashed that one deep.
Dick: Kennedy is up to bat.
Bud : I expect the same thing Eisenhower did.
CRACK
Dick: Nope! This ball is smashed into right field! Going, going, go- OH, IT'S ROBBED BY POLK! POLK HAS ROBBED NUMEROUS HOMERUNS THIS GAME!
Bud: (chugging his 19th bottle of whiskey)
Dick: Amazing catch, but I don't think it will have much impact on the game.
Presidents United - 3 Washington's Finest - 10
Ninth inning
Bud: Presidents United have one last chance to somehow come back from this.
Dick: I don't think it's gonna happen, to be honest with you.
Bud: I don't think so either.
Dick: But here is Grover Cleveland, up to bat. STRIKE ONE! STRIKE TWO! STRIKE THREE! HE STRUCK OUT SWINGING!
Bud: Oh look at that, Dick! Cleveland is charging the mound with the bat!
CRACK
Dick: OOOHH! That was the sound of Eisenhower's kneecap being crushed! Oh boy, here comes the benches. LET'S FUCKING GO!
Bud: I don't think Joe Biden is aware of what's going on out there! He is still napping on second base! Kennedy rushes towards the mound and tackles Cleveland! Here comes Washington with the cleat to the face of Kennedy! Obama jumps on Washington and starts beating the rest of his wooden teeth out. Look at Taft, Dick. He's slow, but once he gets there he might be a driving force in this brawl!
Dick: I agree, Bud. Taft is a big guy and he'll crush Kennedy if he sits on him.
POW
Bud: Now that was a gunshot that was fired from the stands! Kennedy has been shot in the head by an unknown individual! Chaos on the field! Roosevelt is tossing Lincoln around like a ragdoll! Look at that, Dick! Nixon is fighting dirty! He just elbowed Woodrow Wilson in the balls!
Dick: I didn't expect anything less from Tricky Dick!
Bud: Oh wow! Polk is really handing it to Clinton out there! Clinton looks inexperienced! OH! OH! Look at Trump down there, he's really whooping Jimmy Carter's ass!
Dick: Mother of mercy! Taft is going for Biden, who is still asleep on second base! He'll kill him! Reagan and Obama see this and now they've rolled Taft on the ground, it'll be at least 5 minutes before he can get up again. GROVER CLEVELAND JUST DDT'D RICHARD NIXON! OH MY GOD!
Bud: I have never seen anything like this in my entire life! (chugging whiskey)
Dick: I think it's safe to say that Washington's Finest have won the game. Presidents United had 3 runs while Washington's Finest had 10. Thank you for joining us for the Presidential Baseball Classic. Now, I gotta go and join that brawl down there!
