HowTo:Be a liberal
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- WARNING: At least 10-12 % of what is written in this article is considered to be false. If you're allergic to the truth (if you’re an American Liberal in other words) and are also allergic to Wikipedia-style citations and references with links to the awful truth, DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE! Uncyclopedia and the authors of this article cannot be held responsible for any damage, injury or liberal sissy fits and anal bleeding this article may cause. Classic Liberals and Liberals outside of the USA may not understand this or get all of the jokes, American Liberals are Neo-Liberals who practice Liberal Fascism  aka Communism and only pretend to be real Liberals.
This is an ever changing guide to how to be a liberal. It is often deleted by liberals and recreated at least twice a month, please see censorship for the reason why. Never the same page twice. Many have asked the question of just how does one become a liberal? This how-to guide will show you how.
- 1 History
- 2 Together We Can: Raise Taxes
- 3 Use Liberal Logic
- 4 Discriminate Discretely
- 5 Our corruption does not count!
- 6 Promote Ignorance
- 7 Support Abortion and Take Away Guns
- 8 Be for Hope and Change
- 9 Whine and Complain to get what you want
- 10 Sabotage the Nation
- 11 You can still be a Neocon and still call yourself a Liberal
- 12 Preach the one true religion, Liberalism
- 13 Cure All Problems With Socialism Communism
- 14 Attack others
- 15 Bully others to do your bidding
- 16 Propaganda always works
- 17 Persecute Christians
- 18 Revise History in your favor
- 19 See Also
- 20 References
- 21 External links
How does one become a liberal, or rather how did liberalism come about? Around 3120 BC Liberalism was invented by Alfred Dinklelberry who had decided to use his whining and crying skills for monetary gain. He found that if he challenged governments by hating them, calling their leaders names, and protesting, and he wrote books, people would buy them. He later found that he could lead others in protests where they simply chant the same slogan over and over again until they get their way. He also found that by playing the blame game that he could blame others for his failures and get himself elected to government. The motto is Blame somebody else, which always works for liberals. Then if he just took up causes he did not believe in like environmentalism, peace, socialism, and so on, he could trick people into supporting him.
Together We Can: Raise Taxes
It is widely reported that the best part about being a liberal is that one gets to do whatever one wants in the name of equality. Since conservatives often claim that liberals hate freedom, liberals have to come with different excuses sometimes. To properly do this, one must write truckloads of snail mail letters on colored parchments and send them to important and not-so-important people. Fortunately, one will not be alone. One can join the ongoing letter writing campaign to Save the Forests for Lynching, which has been supported by the liberal parties across the globe for over two (2) months. Liberals find they can reach more people via blogs and forums and went to the Internet to bring about their whining. Usually blaming Neocons for tricking them into voting for unjust wars, or causing them to spend too much on credit cards so they couldn't make house payments. Oh those evil Neocons and their brainwashing via Fox News.
Furthermore, the stalwarts of network TV, newspapers, cable TV, magazines, and schools assist in this War for Peace. It is their solemn duty to advocate their personal views no matter what may come. For those sheep following along at home, an absolute must is yelling loud enough to drown out the annoying cries of help from Third World countries. Together liberals can and do make a difference. If enough people yell lies about most of the world living in poverty and despair and that so-called comedy on the BBC is funny (just to give two examples of liberal lies), those lies will become the truth according to liberal thinking. The same is true of blogs, if enough people blog the same lies over and over again, they automatically become true. So liberals like to yell and post their arguments all over the Internet and Public, even if they are full of fallacies and are mostly fiction. Remember to keep repeating yourself, if you want to become a good liberal. Maybe they didn't hear you the first thousand times, so yell louder and post it more on the Internet.
Yet another requirement for liberals is the concept of "equal-time". Liberals want equal time, equal meaning more time than right-wingers get. In fact, equal time to liberals means that right-wingers should be silenced and impeached and all of the time given to liberals instead. The Psychology of liberals and other leftists cannot be ignored, they are violent and bring down progress.
Cindy Sheehan demonstrated this technique by demanding "equal-time" for the universally held view that this country needs to keep its troops safe (by withdrawing them from the middle-east and keeping them home instead), and that too much time was being spent on some storm and not enough on her. Liberals never will have enough "equal-time," so one should organize more marches demanding it. Never mind the fact that Cindy Sheehan was accused by her husband of not sharing the insurance money from their son Casey's death  and that Mrs. Sheehan used the money instead to protest the war in Iraq. All the more to get equal time, and exploit her own son's corpse for political gain.
Lest one thinks being a liberal is all about requirements, do not be dismayed. Liberals know that rules, regulations and requirements do not apply to them! So, when laying down the law, rest assured everything is the fault of the "government" who must pay. The government, after all, is evil according to liberals. Always sending in the Police when Liberals throw riots and break things , set things on fire, blow up federal buildings, kill doctors and blow up abortion clinics. Oh those Police officers, biased against Liberals because they broke a few laws. Those were fascist laws anyway, and as a Liberal you have the right to ignore them. Luckily if you're a liberal, like Paul Hill and you blow up an abortion clinic or a liberal like Timothy McVeigh and you blow up a government daycare center with infants and children in them, of a Weather Underground like William Ayers and bombed several government buildings, or a back to Earth liberal hippie like the Unabomber and you blow up computer stores you're labeled as an "American hero".
Liberals are always against capital punishment (even for terrorists, it has been reported that Bin Laden is registered Democrat), especially when the person being killed wants to be killed, and will be labeled a "martyr" by the religious left for dying (think Paul Hill, William Ayers, Timothy McVeigh, the Unabomber - you know, the liberal terrorists), and are always looking to reduce the sentences of criminals and let them out of jail early, because most criminals are liberals anyway. You are not a very good Liberal unless you have been arrested at least a dozen times. Illicit Drug laws are to be ignored anyway, because Liberals are always trying to legalize illicit drugs like LSD and Barney the Dinosaur. That is one way that they raise money for political needs, selling weed, crack, Meth, cocaine, and Kittens. Although they keep most of the money for themselves they sometimes give part of the proceeds from their drug deals to murderous South American terrorists. Luckily the liberal media never pays too much attention to actions like this.
Incidentally, due to past yelling(at Ann Coulter) and equal-time marches, liberals have never heard of certain historical figures that no one really wants to consort with including: Augusto Pinochet, Moammar Kadhafi, Slobodan Milošević, Saddam Hussein (except when the Democratic president Bill Clinton dealt with him of course), Josef Stalin (except during WWII), Kim Jong Il, and Porky the Pig. People liberals keep pictures of in their wallets include: Hugh Hefner, Paris Hilton, and Jose Canseco.
American Liberals are all about spreading the wealth and anti-corporation though many work for or take lobbyist money from mega-corporations anyway. It is also a well-known fact that most Liberals are bong-sniffing hippies. Liberals are most likely yuppies who dread about working hard, but will never give a dollar to the homeless man in front of their office buildings. Are those really liberals? They may whine about income inequality until our ears bleed, but the homeless man just sits there and would love to have their prestigious jobs. Well that homeless man is not a true liberal or else he'd have sold his soul to Moloch like the other liberals in exchange for wealth, fame, a good career, or at least win the lottery, or make a fortune in the stock market, or marry a rich woman.
Use Liberal Logic
A key talking point is with gun control. Liberals must argue to the death that no one--even the military--should have guns because, guns kill little children. "Only police officers can be trusted to have guns, but not Tasers" according to recent liberal politician, now retired, Al Gore. He went on to say, "Tasers are too effective of a weapon to trust to your average Joe Bob Cop. Because we liberals do not trust police and think that they have one lone brain cell, drive pickup trucks, and have an awful rash." Still a valid point today. Therefore, no one should be trusted with guns. Except police. Who cannot be trusted with Tasers. So hand over you iPod, wallet, cell phone and keys to your Volvo to your potential attacker, then run away with a trail of sewage behind you, so the police know how to find you should you forget how to contact them from fear paralysis.
Fortunately, Dr. Howard Dean is anticipated to unveil his latest "Hhaaarumph!" discovery within his primary field of Phrenology, the study of avoidance of logic. A high ranking Democratic official who requested not to be identified more specifically than as an informant within the Great High Circle of Democrats stated with authority that, "Dr. Dean will unveil his latest "Hhaaarumph!" discovery on the four (4) year anniversary of his notorious Squeal speech, and during his next presidential campaign." The discovery may identify which sector one should cut the logic out of--rumored to be quadrant 30 or 35 (see diagram for reference). Dr. Dean's test subjects include Rev. Jesse Jackson, former President Bill Clinton, staunch steroid-conspiracist ex-Cuban Rafael Palmeiro and Lindsay Lohan.
The best liberal to be is the one that is in the United States and white skinned. Over-reporting by the conservative shadow elements concludes that slaves were freed by Lincoln, a Republican. What those shadowy reports fail to mention is that Democrats opposed Lincoln's measure overwhelmingly. In fact, 100% of white-skinned US registered Democrats and 3/4 of black-skinned US non-convicted felons (due to the Missouri Compromise) still oppose that dirty conservative tactic. Yet, the old Democratic Party represented the south and the Republicans represented the north. 87% of Analysts agree it is the same now. The Bush Administration employs more minorities than The Clinton Administration did and even promotes minorities to top level positions in government. This proves that Democrats are more racist than Republicans.
Since World War II, the liberal party in the United States has diligently enlightened the poverty-stricken class to think that a higher minimum wage will result in an increased standard of living. This is like using a carrot to ensure a mule will plow a field. John Keynes (tall, gay, economist) when asked to comment and prove his theory said, "I'll show you a plow!" This author then chose to flee.
No reputable economists could possibly agree with the conservative (read: Anti-Liberal) position that a higher minimum wage, decreases the standard of living for those earning the minimum wage by increasing the cost of basic goods and services. Like anyone would believe that increasing the salary of employees will increase expenses of a corporation, forcing them to raise the costs of goods and services to compensate? Liberal accounting uses new math and states that raising expenses does not cut into profits if you found a few dummy corporations and list the expenses as investments and assets in the dummy corporations. The liberal view is that the person earning minimum wage should be put on a socialist program and live off of the government at a rate of $50,000USD a year in welfare that is funded by taxing people who make under $50,000USD a year at real jobs. Should any reputable economist attempt to disagree with this liberal economic theory, liberals worldwide are instructed to discredit him/her with photos of him or her having sex with someone or something. That is how demand-side economics i.e. socialism really works.
Of course it is Liberals not Conservatives that lead the way with racism in modern times  and have formed many racist opinions and forced Black people into an underclass that lives in a Ghetto. George W. Bush for example, employed more minorities in the White House than Bill Clinton did. A Liberal is more likely to join the KKK than a Conservative. So they hide it by supporting Reverse Discrimination with abortion, gay marriage and letting one group of people get have lower grades than the other. to hide the fact that they are all racist crackers. When asked if Barack Obama can become US President Hillary Clinton was quoted as saying "He can't win, he's black he's black!"  Ms. Clinton reportedly took back her comments after viewing the now-famous "He's White!" campaign commercials that all reputable political scientists agree were responsible for the recent Obama victory in '08.
They really hate black people and want them to be poor, so they can vote for Liberals to keep them poor with promises of ending poverty, which they never do because they hate poor people and use them as pawns in their political games of chess. Conservatives like Bill Cosby tell poor black people to get an education, stay in school, don't do drugs, and make themselves rich instead of some other people and buy a house in a county out of the ghetto. But Liberals counter this and tell black people to drop out of school, join gangs, do drugs, steal from others and stay in the ghetto.
Our corruption does not count!
The rule here is simple: "What liberals do on their time is fine, times nine." Quote taken courtesy of Liberal Tax Deduction Schemes: Chapter 14: Multiply deduction by nine".
Remember that the public has a short-memory, so if you accuse Conservatives of doing something, the public will forget that your party did it last year, or a decade ago, or up to fifty years ago. You are not a hypocrite if the public forgets your misdeeds and your accuse Conservatives of the same misdeeds. Remember that Liberal corruption does not count, but Conservative or Neocon corruption counts plus eleven billion times.
Ted Kennedy gets drunk, takes drugs and runs over people with his car afterward. Rush Limbaugh gets drunk, takes drugs and smuggles viagra into international airports.
Bill Clinton has warrantless wiretaps  in 2000, and George W. Bush has them after 911.
In fact Barack Obama is doing the very same things George W. Bush did as president like spend a lot of money, keep the Iraqi war going, keep the Patriot Act, warentless wiretaps, etc. Obama can do all of that with a free pass because he is a Liberal and Bush was a Conservative.
Yes we can move automotive jobs to Mexico as part of the stimulus plan. 
Yes we can waste the stimulus money on pork projects renamed to something else. 
Yes we can support Warentless Wiretaps. 
Yes we can support the Patriot Act and keep it going. 
Yes we can delay the withdrawal of troops from Iraq even if Obama promised not to do so. 
Yes we can raise taxes to pay for healthcare. 
Yes we can destroy 2.2 Normal jobs to create 1 Green Job. 
When Conservatives attempted to gasp teach inner city children and adults to read, Liberals went berserk. This was obviously a racist attempt to say those people didn't know how to read. To add insult to injury, how will the mindless masses keep voting liberal wink-wink if they can read about what we's done?
It is better if Liberal teachers do not teach children how to read, but rather teach them how to be Liberals instead. That way they can listen to Liberal leaders and agree with them and vote for them because they wouldn't know any better, never learning how the real world works and how to read to figure things out. In fact, when teaching history, let us blame all of the world's problems on anyone of European descent who isn't a liberal (Example: Christopher Columbus, the American pioneers and the Founding Fathers) and ignore the bad things that liberals have done as well. We need ignorant voters who believe anything we tell them to believe, and that way we can win election after election.
It is better if Liberal teachers tell students to tune into TV and play video games, turn off the logical part of their brains, and drop out of school and join a gang, take drugs, or sell their body for money. This sort of person almost always votes for liberals and watches Current, MSNBC, and other Liberal networks.
Support Abortion and Take Away Guns
Ted Kennedy had a problem. He had a pregnant girlfriend. She did not want an abortion and wanted to marry him. It was quite simple using the liberal method of thinking. Abortion was against the law back then, and murder is against the law as well. Ted Kennedy claimed to have had an accident near a creek in Chappaquiddick  and then jumped out of the car before it sank into the bottom of the creek. Wink wink, we know better, don't we? He committed a trifecta: aborted the baby; murdered his girlfriend; and got money for it from his car insurance company. His liberal supporters then rewarded him by making him a US Senator for life. He got a reduced sentence from a liberal judge, and despite being an ex-con, is now considered to be very moral and ethical and justified his actions in Chappaquiddick with a speech. If a Conservative did the same thing, they would have gotten the death sentence or 30 to life. But Liberals have a smooth way of talking and giving speeches to get away with things. Just make up a story like Ted Kennedy did, you weren't drunk despite driving home from a party where other people could have swore you won a drinking contest, it was an accident despite you having no memory of how it happened, and that you nearly died in the process. See how easy it is to tell a creative story, than admit to the truth?
Chicago had a problem with crime, so the Liberals banned guns in Chicago to deal with it. That worked great, for the criminals, who now outgun the Police and no citizen can legally own a gun to defend themselves. See, gun control totally and completely works. The same is true in Washington DC and other cities under Liberal gun ban laws. Criminals vote for liberals and we really need their votes, so make sure that as a liberal you put gun control laws into place in your cities. According to the UK you can stop most criminals by just saying "Stop, Police!" and then they just give up and say "I give up copper, don't hit me with that baton. Here's my gun, I sure learned my lesson by just the sound of your authoritative voice."
"Gun control means people who are NOT police have guns, you idiot. The police obviously have guns to stop riots." said one anonymous source. But we liberals believe that people are bitter and cling to their guns and religion. So our version of gun control is to take away those guns and stop them from expressing their religion in public. The NRA's version of gun control is to aim better.
"OH and let me see... school shootings, yeah, that wasn't caused by guns. After all, schools are already "gun free zones", therefore the perpetrator is breaking the law already! If we just banned all guns, then that will stop people who are breaking the law anyway, won't it? 'People kill people not guns' Okay, then, when was the last time you saw a person die by a kid going up to them and shouting 'BOOM BOOM'" sand one anonymous source. Public schools and colleges are meat grinders that cause too much stress on the children. In Columbine for example the kids where bullied and accused of being gay, so they played "Doom" to practice shooting up their school, and then broke into their father's gun locker and stole guns and shot up the school. Obviously psychologists blame the bullying and the lack of an anti-bully policy in the school, but we liberals say that it was the fault of the guns. The father should not have owned any guns and should not have even had a gun locker that a blow torch could cut into so his son could steal the guns. Those boys should have joined the Democratic party of America instead of shooting up those schools and then whine about how bad Bush is for letting them get bullied in High School. Michael Moore's "Bowling for Columbine" documents all of this and how evil guns are.
Change as in change your mind, and hope as in hope that nobody notices that. This is a very easy and commonly used tactic by liberal senator John Kerry. Heck, he wrote the book on waffling. He would flip on this issue and then on that issue. The only problem is that you HAVE to marry a crazed, rich, ketchup-monkey for all her dough and use it to gain access to the US Senate. Good, That should have been easy. Well, the brilliant minds at Jibjab.com  have the right idea in their short called "This Land". All there is to it is to stand up and, using three signs, each entitled "Yes","No" and "Maybe", and pull up any card, even at random. Good! This can and will work. You have my blessings to do this with every senator who asks you a question. Oh, and support the troops by voting for giving soldiers body armor, tank armor, humvee armor, heck, any armor, then flip and vote against it. Oh and to top it all off, blame it on Bush. Of course it is Bush's fault because of your decision.
Hillary Clinton often cannot make up her mind. Sometimes she acts like a Conservative and other times as a Liberal. She gets that from her husband Bill who is known as a Liberal and a Conservative because he is two-faced. First she was a Cubs fan, and then a Yankees fan. First she was a woman and then she was a man. She wrote a book on healthcare, and then voted down the bills based on her book's suggestions.
The fact is that liberals blame conservatives and Bush for everything, including oil prices, and keep the well-unknown secret that the Saudis own 1/4 of the oil, and have us at their fingertips. It happened in the 1970's, 1980's and is currently happening again. Don't point that out, but do point out that Bush shakes each kings' hands. Thank you Michael Moore for making this possible. The guns at Columbine weren't illegal. Of course not. Impossible. The man is beautiful, treats his body as a temple and writes amazing Golden Globe speeches. Alex Jones made a lot of movies and songs on the liberal viewpoints that avoid logic and appeal to emotions, trust him, over other journalists and entertainers who actually have credibility. I would also like to thank the commies including Che, who, men just like him tried to starve people into becoming commies too. Killing innocent men, women and children. Blame it on Pinochet. (This happened in Chile.) Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! Saddam Hussein was a fine upstanding secular humanist who ran one of the world's most perfect Democracies, until George W. Bush and the Republicans came along and ruined things by invading Iraq and toppling the Government and forcing Saddam to face trials for his crimes against humanity. That is not as important as US Troops being killed by
terrorists freedom fighters. Osama bin Laden is in tourism not terrorism so let us just appease him, and cut and run, and give him some land in the middle-east and leave him alone.
Learn to love Flip Flops and Waffles
35 years ago, Liberals ran the street screaming "global cooling! global cooling!" Today they scream global warming. This is a classic example of the flip-flop mind of a liberal. It used to be aerosol cans that were evil, now it is the oil companies that are evil.
Gay marriage, John Kerry is a classic example of this, during the 2004 Presidential campaign John Kerry said he was for gay marriage in Massachusetts and then when he campaigned in Missouri he said he was against gay marriage.
Many liberals voted for the Iraqi war, and now they vote against it. Voting down bills for body armor and funding to train Iraqis to take over for US Troops. Now they just have a plan of "cut and run".
As a liberal, you can always blame your decisions on conservatives because they lied to you or forced you to vote for something you didn't want to vote for in the first place.
Talk the talk
Learn the dialectic  and become a Liberal, through liberal-speak! Often confused with Ebonics or Jive.
Think Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, or anyone else that tends to use words with excess syllables. Practice aloud--I say, "How are you?"--you say, "Extra-orda-nin-tat-ious!" Or, I say, "How do you feel about mandatory affirmative action minority interviewing requirements?"--you say, "Abso-ma-lutely, affirmable, as an accidental alibi fortituously found by the hooker behind the crackpipe!"
Presentation and panache is what you are seeking my liberal sheep of many colors.
Furthermore, you must take all efforts to avoid being tied down to a singular position. Life is multi-faceted, so every issue may have new considerations, so you must be able to explain why, for example, it is permissible to cheat on one's wife, but then run a negative campaign (the next term) exposing one's opponent for marital infidelity.
When perfected, you can be constantly inconsistent like the Democratic Party, not inconsistently inconsistent like John Kerry. This constant inconsistency, called "liberal flip-flopping", may allow your party to win the Presidential election! (Listen to this one, liberals, and win in 2008!)
Hillary Clinton demonstrates liberal-speak:
Whine and Complain to get what you want
Protesting is easy, just chant the same slogans over and over again until you get what you want. Make sure that you burn your nation's flag, and burn a straw dummy of your nation's leader in his/her place. If you do not still get your way, convince others to riot. Say that doing these things makes you a patriot.
If it makes you a celebrity and you no longer have to sweat it out at the protests, so much the better. (See Cindy Sheehan).
If you attend a private school and some Neoconservative of a Dean says you must say the pledge of allegiance , please use the Uncyclopedia Village Dump to seek legal advice and sue the Dean and the School for being Neoconservatives. That way you can bring the protest to Liberal Wiki sites like Uncyclopedia and express your freedom of speech. After all, Uncyclopedia is here for you, just like Dear Abby and Oprah are to listen to your whiny complaints and solve your problems for you. Together we, as Liberals, can protest private high schools that you signed a contract with to take away your rights and freedoms, and we can protest that on the Internet.
Try big fires, it gets even more attention.
Sabotage the Nation
Use the filibuster as much as you can when the other party has a majority . If they try to pass a bill you agree with like alternative energy, filibuster it and vote against it. Then when election comes up later, claim the other party did nothing to help the people. When the other party claims that you voted against every bill on the table, say that you could not compromise the environment, freedoms, liberty, ect. and ignore that lobbyists were putting money in your pockets to kill the bill. Always blame the Republicans for your own misdeeds. After all, one liberal made the claim "And so when I filibustered 14 hours and 13 minutes in 1964 I never got off the germaneness of the subject.", since the US Taxpayers are paying your salary, might as well waste their time and hold up progress. Read from a phone book, quote the complete works of Shakespeare, talk about pot or liquor, anything not relating to the bill in question that you are trying to filibuster. When it comes to war, always do the exact opposite of what conservatives want.
Popular bills that liberals have voted down:
- Social Security reform
- Health care reform
- Removal of eminent domains laws
- Tax breaks
- Bills to cut spending and create a budget surplus
- Bills to drill more oil wells and lower the cost of oil
- Bills to fund the US military so soldiers can be paid, also provide education and medical care for veterans of foreign wars
If the above fails, you may also try to say that the other person is a racist, rich conservative who wants more tax cuts and less regulation. Pork Projects liberals have added to bills:
- Paving highways in wealthy cities
- Studies of cow farts
- Study of the study of the study of political polls conducted by third parties they have paid off
- Federal contracts they get kickbacks from
- Funding for sports stadiums
Or you can vote Republican, hope they screw it up, and win all the popular vote for the 2008 election.
It is a well known fact that since 1980 there has always been a Bush or Clinton in the White House. Never before in the history of the United States has two families controlled the White House for that long before. What isn't that well known is the fact that the Clintons are Neocons as well, but call themselves Liberals. In fact most of the Liberal Democrats elected to Congress in 2006 had made campaign promises to end the war in Iraq, impeach George W. Bush, approve bills for a budget surplus, etc but so far have done none of that. It is because the fact most US citizens don't know is that these Liberal Democrats in Congress are secretly Neocons. All Bill Clinton had to do was fool around with interns and look the other way when terrorists came into the USA in 1998 to plan out the 9/11 attacks to take attention away from the fact that he was supposed to stop Osama bin Laden by capturing him and Osama had planned to attack the USA again like he did in 1993 on the first WTC attack when Clinton was in office, which Clinton drew attention away for that attack by creating a budget surplus to get people to forget that terrorists were targeting US sites for attack. That set up George W. Bush to take control of the White House after Al Gore another Neocon threw the 2000 elections by refusing to ask for a recount in Florida and appeal the Supreme Court (appointed mostly by Bill Clinton so they would decide in favor of George W. Bush later when the election of 2000 was rigged by operation hanging-chad) so that George W. Bush would be reading "My Pet Goat" at a public school when Osama's people finally hit the WTC in 2001. So it would lead to war with Afghanistan where Osama was hiding, and be used as an excuse to war with Iraq which Bill Clinton, Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, and other liberals gave speeches that they had Weapons of Mass Destruction from 1998 to 2003, to secretly work with the Neocons to go to war with Iraq, and then deny it later and claim to be against the war. Remember when you vote for Neocon things and give speeches in favor to the Neocon's goals, you can always "flip-flop" back to Liberal things and Liberal goals to confuse people so they won't suspect you of being a Neocon. Liberals are well known for their flip-flops anyway. So the fix is in for Hillary Clinton in the White House in 2008, but keep that a secret, because we want people to think she is a Liberal so they can vote for and support her.
Preach the one true religion, Liberalism
Always appear on talk shows and news programs and constantly attack the other party. Try to justify your position and ignore the fact that you've done the same things you accuse the other person of doing. Say that you are telling the truth, and that the righties are lying again and trying to cover up their crimes.
Create a blog, link to news media articles of other liberals slamming the other party as proof of your points of view and opinions. The right-wingers don't bother to blog because they are too busy trying to come up with new ideas for laws and bills. Don't waste your time on new laws and bills, just shoot them down and whine and complain about them. Encourage other liberals to blog as well. Create more blogs, and even write newspaper articles, and news stories. Submit them to the media, and threaten to boycott them if they don't publish them.
Liberal teachers must never teach the subject they are hired to teach. Instead, they must indoctrinate the youth into the liberal point of view . Proper liberal teaching subjects (all ages):
- It's not your fault.....blame the government, it is all their fault anyway. Criticize conservatives in every level of government at every chance you get. If nothing has happened lately, make up a story about the highest ranking Republican by saying he/she *lied* to the public recently.
- Oppose your country's refusal to change its economic system...If your nation uses capitalism, support communism. If your nation uses communism, support capitalism. Brainwashing the youth that constant change is necessary will give liberals more control.
- It's still not your fault.....blame 'the system.' Teach the youth to never take responsibility for their actions, hold the other party responsible, but never yourselves. Teach them to drop out of school, take drugs, and listen to music and watch movies instead. The more ignorant you make them, the easier they are to control. No one likes someone who holds them accountable.
If you are ever asked to do an interview on TV, attack the interviewer and his news network  and accuse conservatives of putting up a "hit" on you. The more upset you get, the more publicity you can get for your global summit or other political rally. Remember as a liberal you are supposed to think with your emotions like anger. It is OK to attack someone else who is not a liberal, but anyone who attacks you is being unethical, esp if they are not a liberal or don't agree with your views. Remember to hold non-liberals to a set of ethics and morals that you yourself do not hold or follow. As a liberal, you have the right and freedoms to not follow any set of ethics or morals. Basically you can do whatever you want to do, and get away with it. Including attacking a news reporter and their news network. If the non-liberals point out your attack, claim that you were provoked and that conservatives set the whole thing up. That news companies are being unfair because they reported your "attack" but not the information you gave them. Remember, you sold your soul to have a set of fangs as a liberal, so use them to your best advantage. As a card-carrying worshiper of Moloch you have the right to eat any reporter who asks a question that you do not like.
Opposed to the Neocons waging war in a nation like Iraq? Well get angry and blame the US troops  and be sure to belittle them. Nothing makes you a real Liberal more than doing personal attacks on the US military who are trying to serve their nation. Justify it by saying it is an unjust war, and that the US Troops are terrorists and war criminals. Especially if you won three purple hearts like John Kerry and admitted to being stuck in Vietnam and doing stupid things like killing civilians  and committing war crimes himself. Yet since Kerry is a liberal, we let him off the hook, but keep the Neocons guilty of the same charges.
Attack Wiki articles like this one. Be sure to mention in the talk page about how unfunny this article is, and how the author should get off Uncyclopedia and work for Fox News instead with Bill O'Reilly. Don't forget to say how stupid or retarded they are as well. Also post from an anonymous IP via a proxy server, so they won't know who you are. Post from several different proxy servers so it looks like a lot of people are mad at them, that will work. Don't forget to nominate this article for VFD and then whine about how Uncyclopeda is full of Neocons who voted to keep this article. Keep up the attacks, maybe they will rewrite this article with a liberal viewpoint that makes fun of conservatives or delete it instead. Anything is better than this unfunny, stupid, and ugly article. Bill Clinton with fangs? That's not even funny! George W. Bush in a Darth Vader costume is way funnier than that. Come on, this is Uncyclopedia, only Liberal viewpoints are funny here! For more useful advice, read the next section.
Bully others to do your bidding
Always support articles that show the liberal or left-wing point of view. If any articles are showing a right-wing point of view, vandalize them, or vote for them to be deleted. Vote for quick deletion is best, but NRV if you can as well. In fact, vote for this page to be deleted, so nobody ever learns the truth of how to be a liberal. That way we can all keep a secret. When you find an article on Uncyclopedia making fun of liberals be sure to say that it is all lies or something, vandalize it so it is not funny and gets deleted.
In fact, find articles on Uncyclopedia that mock liberals and edit them to mock conservatives. Like this very article itself. Don't even let the other side get a chance to mock liberals, when you can get into an edit war and change the articles to mock conservatives instead.
Remember to always bully, use personal attacks, cut funding, raise taxes, use censorship, file civil law suits, use yellow journalism and propaganda, threaten to kill people, grab guns away from law abiding citizens, stage violent protests, blow things up, commit genocide, use atomic bombs, what ever it takes to promote the liberal agenda.
Propaganda always works
Remember that telling the truth can hurt the liberal cause. Always put a spin on things, be creative. Compare right-wing leaders to Hitler (by pointing out the he was a devout Christian for example like FDR and Harry S. Truman were), invoke Godwin if you must. Be sure to believe your own lies and make others believe them as well. If you write a ton of blogs under false names, everyone will see that hundreds of bloggers agree on the same subject. Then write it to your blog and then submit it to Digg and Reddit where other liberals will vote it up to the front page. In fact write blogs that bash conservative blogs as well. If it is on the Internet it must be true and indeed it often is true! If you must cite something, please cite some of the countless liberal biased smear web sites out there designed for just that sort of thing, because if it is on the Internet it must be true especially if it was written by and peer reviewed by Liberals like you and me! This is also the way that science works, by having other scientists that share the same biases as you peer reviewing your crackpot theory, it automatically becomes true. It pays to keep a list of contacts from your college and liberal meeting places to call in a favor and peer review your work for you. Together we can help combat the Conservative Neocon menace using liberal truths in this fashion, because only liberal truths matter and nothing else does.
You are better off without it. The right-wingers have religion that they use for their side, you are better off opposing religion. Call it separation of church and state. Attack religion, except for the Holy Bible: Revised Liberal Edition which you should always read. Be sure to call the righties as religious zealots, and campaign against judges they try to appoint for holding religious views. Remove all symbols of religion from public view. Discriminate against religious people in the name of separation of church and state. You are sure to be a liberal if you do these things and you feel superior to most every conservative.
Now Liberals can use Religion as long as it is used for politcal issues instead of teaching God's message or love, mercy, and forgiveness. Reverend Jeremiah Wright, for example preaches that the US government invented AIDS to kill off African-American Men via genocide, also that the US Government sells drugs to African-Americans so they can put them in jail, and that the US Government are terrorists. All of this is political based, and acceptable because it is Liberal Politics to blame the government for everything. Some would argue there is a separation of church and state, but this isn't church or religious talk, this is secular liberal politics talk and hate speech that has nothing to do with religion or the church or God, so it is fair game to use.
Revise History in your favor
Why should Conservatives have all the fun when it comes to war? Liberals have wars too, but deny starting wars, or blame it all on Conservatives. Remember to criticize the Conservatives for Gitmo and ignore that Liberal Democrat Franklin D. Roosevelt issued Executive Order 9066 during World War II that put Japanese-Americans into concentration camps and many died as a result. Blame the Republicans for Gitmo, but deny that Executive Order 9066 ever happened. Nope, the USA never had concentration camps under the Democrats, it never happened. If someone calls you on it, be sure to blame Conservatives for something to distract them. Ignore that no Japanese-American had any evidence on them that they were doing domestic spying and sabotage and other charges that FDR and the Democrats accused them of to justify putting them in concentration camps. True to form, the Nazi Germans were murdering millions of Jewish people in concentration camps, and Franklin D. Roosevelt being the kind and just liberal that he was, decided not to get involved. Not until Pearl Harbor was attacked by the Japanese, and then FDR decided to put Japanese-Americans in concentration camps because it was the liberal thing to do at the time. Apparently liberals at the time did not care about people being put into concentration camps, any more than they did when Saddam was murdering Kurds in concentration camps in Iraq in modern times. FDR gave us the New Deal and did none of these things.
Harry S. Truman took over and lead the Liberals to another Presidency after FDR died. He helped end World War II by dropping Hydrogen bombs on Japan, but blame Conservatives for that anyway. Truman lead the USA to war with Korea and had a policy of Kill them all  because the only good Korean was a dead Korean because even refugees are Commies that deserve to die. As a Liberal make sure to blame this on Conservatives as well, and change the subject to Iraq or Afghanistan where people were captured and put into Gitmo instead of killed, but say that they were all killed instead.
After JFK was assassinated, LBJ took over as President. He claimed that the Commies were at it again and there was a Domino theory that if Vietnam was taken over by Commies that it would spread to Laos, Thailand, Burma, and other nations. He made a lot of mistakes in Vietnam that we need to learn from  Make sure to blame the Conservatives for the My Lai Massacre and not the modern Liberal Democrat LBJ. Ignore that LBJ lied about the reasons to go to war, but please do tell that Conservative George W. Bush lied to go to war with Iraq. Nope, no Liberal would ever lie about the reasons to go to war. Be sure to tell that the nude torture in the Abu Ghraib jail is a lot worse than the My Lai Massacre, which wasn't LBJ's fault either even if the troops were acting on his orders as Commander in Chief. LBJ created the Great Society, and did none of these things.
After trying to recover from a failed Impeachment attempt, Bill Clinton starts his own war on terror to take out Osama bin Laden. Except all Clinton managed to do was to "not have sexual relations with that woman" Oh, and he "did not inhale" either. Only Clinton seems to think that Osama is in the pharmaceutical business  and bombs an aspirin factory. Well at least those terrorists won't have a cure for headaches for a while. Clinton claimed that the plant and other targets he attacked had WMDs in them, despite no evidence found that they did have WMDs or any connection of the factory owner to bin Laden or any terrorist network. Remember that there are two versions of Bill Clinton because he is two-faced, the one that bombed the aspirin factory and other places that had no WMDs, and failed to kill or capture Osama bin Laden is a Conservative Neocon Republican, the one that is peaceful and wants to bring about world peace is a Liberal Democrat. Neocon Bill Clinton, keeping the world safe from terrorist aspirin factories.
In fact, never admit that Liberals lead the nation to war, or did any of these things, and be sure to blame conservatives for them anyway. Liberals are peaceful people and do not act this way at all.
- American liberals
- Non-God-Fearing Democrats
- Holy Bible: Revised Liberal Edition
- Liberal Terrorists
- HowTo:Be a conservative
- Liberal media
- I can't believe it's not Liberalism
- HowTo:Be a Hypocritical Liberal
- HowTo:Be For Something Before You Are Against It
- Why?:Why do Non-Conservatives Exist?
- UnBooks:I don't like Conservatives, but I really fucking hate Liberals!
Truthful facts from liberal news web sites used in this How-to article:
- The Psychology of leftists
- Cindy Sheehan was accused by her husband of not sharing the insurance money from their son Casey's death
- Liberals throw riots and break things
- Liberal Racism
- Hillary Clinton makes racist comments to African-Americans
- Clinton says Iraq has WMDs
- Clinton takes money from oil company and agrees to let them do business after making deals with Iran illegally
- The price of oil goes up under Clinton
- Clinton supports warrantless wiretaps
- Crystler moves jobs to Mexico
- Obama Stimulus Money is mostly wasted
- Obama sides with Bush on Warrentless Wiretap Bill
- Obama supports the Bush Administration Patriot Act
- Obama's Iraq No Change policy
- Obama seeks to raise taxes to pay for healthcare
- Obama's Green Jobs destroy 2.2 Normal Jobs for every 1 Green Job created
- Ted Kennedy claimed to have had an accident near a creek in Chappaquiddick
- Our Land Jibjab.com
- Newsweek Cites Liberals warning us on Global Cooling
- Marxian dialectics used by Liberals
- Liberal teenager complains about a private High School Dean disciplining him for not saying the pledge of allegiance
- Liberals abuse the filibuster as much as they can when the other party has a majority
- the youth into the liberal point of view
- President Clinton Eats Fox News's Chris Wallace Alive, Spits Out The Bones
- Kerry belittles US Troops, calls them stupid and stuck in Iraq
- John Kerry admits to Vietnam war crimes he and his men committed
- Liberal Democrat Franklin D. Roosevelt orders Japanese-Americans into concentration camps to die
- Harry S. Truman say Kill all Koreans
- LBJ made a lot of mistakes in Vietnam that we need to learn from
- Clinton thinks Osama is in the pharmaceutical business
- Clinton bombs an aspirin factory
Article written in the style of its subject
This article is funny because it is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are an ignorant cultural philistine who does not recognise this without explanation. If you still do not find the article funny, that is probably because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. If you hadn't been so ignorant, then you wouldn't have needed to have the joke explained to you in the first place.