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USA Front Page Story Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work. This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do. What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...) Recently featured: HowTo:Rearrange the deckchairs on the Titanic Biffy Clyro Foreign accent syndrome CaseOh Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did y'all know... ... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name? ... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors? ... that your baby boy would one day walk on water? ... that every time you fall asleep, you die? ... that there is no other word for thesaurus? ... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West? ... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears? ... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really. ... that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (Pictured) ... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke? ... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content? ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back? ... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank? ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside? ... that Uranus is a gas giant? ... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle? ... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name? ... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors? ... that your baby boy would one day walk on water? ... that every time you fall asleep, you die? ... that there is no other word for thesaurus? ... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West? ... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears? ... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really. ... that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (Pictured) ... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke? ... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content? ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back? ... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank? ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside? ... that Uranus is a gas giant? ... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle? ... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name? ... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors? ... that your baby boy would one day walk on water? ... that every time you fall asleep, you die? ... that there is no other word for thesaurus? ... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West? ... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears? ... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.	Dispatches from the Voice of America Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured) Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons America, the beautiful On this day in America... March 15: Julius Caesar's Deathday 44 BC - Julius Caesar is stabbed to death by a conspiracy of the Roman Senate, his last words: "Oww Jesus fuck!" (Pictured) 1493 - Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after his first voyage to the New World. "What's that blood in your shoe?" asks Queen Isabella. 1917 - Tsar Nicholas II abdicates his throne, hopes to retire to a nice dingy basement with the rest of his family. 1952 - During a performance of 4'33", composer John Cage is heckled by the audience as a pretentious, lazy gasbag. Their heckling by definition becomes part of 4'33", and therefore a meta-commentary on itself: Cage is hailed as a creative genius. 1965 - President Lyndon B. Johnson advocates the Voting Rights Act as part of a fiendish Marxist ploy to get non-white people to vote and stuff. 2000 - Y2K doomsayers are just about ready to confess that they were mistaken, until they hear about the sexy new year of 2012.
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Great American heroes Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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