Yellowstone
Yellowstone is a descriptor that can apply several things: a famous volcanic National Park that will eventually wipe out the planet, a television show for 40 year-olds, and a rock that has been pissed on.
History[edit | edit source]
The earliest known Yellowstone was discovered in 1872 when several explorers wandered into a geyser and after acquiring some second and third degree burns, declared it “too hot to own.” This became the first national park in the entire world, mostly because nobody wanted it except the government.
The second Yellowstone emerged much later, when television producers asked the important historical question: “What if cowboys, but angry and incestuous?” This led to the creation of the show, which historians classify as a “millennial soap drama,” ironic due to the lack of drama OR soap in the show.
The third Yellowstone was discovered sometime in the early 2000s by one man who just thought it would be funny to piss on a rock and then try to pass it off to a local museum. Archaeologists have since confirmed that similar rocks likely existed throughout history, suggesting a long and proud tradition of similar thought processes, albeit with varying success.
Caveman times (2.1 million years ago - 1871)[edit | edit source]
Yellowstone National Park began to exist when the Earth developed a large underground magma chamber just to see if it could. Early eruptions of the magma chamber onto the earth's surface formed the Yellowstone Caldera, an event that scientists describe as "detrimental" to local wildlife. Meanwhile, prehistoric humans are believed to have encountered Yellowstone and immediately decided to settle somewhere else. Cave paintings from the era depict animals, hunting scenes, and a figure pointing at a geyser with the caption roughly translating to “too hot.”
Discovery Era (1872 to 2006)[edit | edit source]
Yellowstone National Park was officially established in 1872 after explorers returned from the region and reported that it smelled like eggs. Congress quickly designated it a "national park", largely because it could not be farmed, safely lived in, and it occasionally exploded. All the perfect qualities for a top secret FBI black site dedicated to probing alien butts and stuff.
During this time, the park became famous for landmarks such as Old Faithful, named for its reliability in erupting at regular intervals, unlike Congress. Tourism increased steadily, with visitors flocking to the park to experience the geysers blasting their Priuses into the stratosphere, and ignore clearly posted warning signs to not go swimming. Park rangers had developed a standardized set of phrases, including “please don’t touch that”, "no, really, don’t touch that”, and "sir, that is boiling water, what do you think you are, a soup ingredient?”
The Piss Yellowstone rock likely existed during this period but went largely undocumented, as historical records tend to not ever print something like “guy peed on rock” unless it becomes a pattern, or it was a rock the historian really liked.
Modern Era (2007 - Now)[edit | edit source]
The modern era of Yellowstone history began with the creation of the TV show, marking humanity’s first attempt to adapt geothermal instability into a family drama. The show introduced audiences to a new kind of Yellowstone: one featuring an unusually high number of conversations that end with someone walking away (angrily).
At the same time, the Piss Yellowstone rock entered its Golden Age. Carbon dating on the pee stone suggests the rock’s current coloration is the result of several contributions in a short time, leading experts to call it a “collaborative" effort.
Geology[edit | edit source]
The geology of Yellowstone is widely regarded as one of the most complex and scientifically significant fields of study, primarily because it involves three entirely different subjects that experts are legally required to treat with equal seriousness. The entire system is powered by geothermal activity, which is science’s polite way of saying “Earth farts.” Scientists estimate that Yellowstone erupts catastrophically every few hundred thousand years, covering the earth in a thick layer of ash that wiped out all life.
Despite their seeming differences, all three Yellowstones share important geological traits such as being shaped by pressure, experiencing periodic eruptions (whether that be lava, arguments, or regret), and they are best observed from a safe distance. A 2021 study concluded that while the super volcano poses the greatest physical threat, the rock poses the greatest moral one.
Development[edit | edit source]
The development of Yellowstone is a complex process spanning millions of years, multiple industries, and at least one really stupid alcohol based decision.
Natural Development[edit | edit source]
Yellowstone National Park was not built so much as it was allowed to exist. Following its discovery in 1872, the U.S. government made the decision to keep the land, primarily because early developers reported that it was far too miserably hot to build anything, as most buildings kept melting or getting doused in boiling water which would cook all the people inside. The fact that it could explode and wipe everyone out was also a concern frequently voiced, but scientists would remind them that if it did erupt, everyone would die, not just the people near it.
Initial development efforts by social justice warriors focused on making the park accessible to everyone without triggering it. Some accessible features included paths and roads (usually ending in a pothole or with a geyser aimed at the traveler), boardwalks (that haven't been repaired since 1946), and warning signs (that are taken home by visitors as "trophies").
Television Development[edit | edit source]
The television show Yellowstone was developed through a rigorous creative process known as “What if ranch, but intense?” Producers combined key elements like a large ranch, a family with issues, some landscape shots, and a script where no one explains what they mean when they say things like "Oh well she do be like that" and "back then when I fucked my cousins."
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The result was a show engineered for maximum tension with minimal effort, action, or explanation. The dialogue was designed to sound important while remaining slightly unclear, the conflict engines consistently generated new and improved problems to replace ones that had been just solved, forcing the characters to always be going through some miserable hardship like the fridge falling over, the beer being lukewarm, or someone's cousin turning them down at the barn dance.
Piss Development[edit | edit source]
The development of the third Yellowstone was significantly less structured, but certainly no less impactful than the other two. Originally a regular rock, its transformation began with a single incident believed to have occurred when an individual made an important (yet idiotic) decision.
A man had been hiking around, and needed to take a piss. Spotting a porta-john in the distance, he beelined for it. Only several steps away from the porcelain throne, he looked towards the ground and saw a rock. It went something like this: “Hey, a rock! …should I? Ah... fuck it." *Zzzzzip!* Well, the legacy was irreversible after that. Overtime, the rock underwent further “enhancements” as additional contributors added to its evolving composition. Experts in piss-ology describe the rock’s current state as fully developed and state that no further contributions should be made, though compliance with this recommendation remains low.
Cultural Significance[edit | edit source]
Yellowstone National Park is widely regarded as one of the greatest natural wonders in the world, serving as America’s official reminder that the Earth is both beautiful and actively trying to kill us. Culturally, the park has contributed the concept of national parks, proving that humans can, occasionally, leave something alone. It has also become a symbol of impending doom, frequently cited in concerning YouTube videos about super volcanoes and why they are so much worse than regular volcanos.
The television show has achieved massive cultural relevance, particularly among demographics described broadly as "not quite octogenarians", but getting close. Its own contributions to a better society include revitalizing interest in the cowboy aesthetic, including homosexuality. The show is now considered essential viewing in households where a city slicker kid says something retarded like “you wouldn’t last a day out here,” despite living in a gated community in the suburbs.
The pissed upon rock, while less globally recognized, holds deep significance within its immediate geographic radius (approximately 15 feet, that being the distance from when you can begin smelling the ancient dried piss). Local folklore has elevated the rock to a near-mythical status, with stories passed down such as "the man who got to close" and "the curse of the yellow stone." Anthropologists consider it a powerful example of how culture can form around even the most avoidable circumstances.
Deaths[edit | edit source]
Yellowstone has been associated with numerous deaths across its three domains. Yellowstone National Park has claimed the lives of individuals who underestimated geothermal activity, wildlife, and the effects of gravity. Geysers will either straight up turn people into seafood boils, or launch them into the atmosphere where they die from lack of oxygen before hitting the ground at terminal velocity, making life a lot harder for the local EMTs. Wildlife encounters are part of the reason why car insurance in Wyoming and Montana is so high- people simply cannot process that driving near a 4,000 pound animal with their slightly less heavy vehicle might be a bad idea. To a bear, the tourist in a minivan is indistinguishable from a sardine in a can. Park officials have repeatedly emphasized that Yellowstone is not a theme park, though this message continues to be interpreted creatively regardless of the countless deaths.
Unsurprisingly, the dull as rocks television series has a higher death rate, largely because it is more narratively convenient. Death comes to those who say too much, know too much, and are too close to the main plot. Most deaths are accompanied by a fanfare of music, lots of aggressive and lengthy staring, and revenge oaths being sworn afterwards. The only characters who have avoided deaths so far are those who have mastered the art of the monologue, as everyone knows the Grim Reaper cannot kill someone during a monologue.
While the piss yellow rock itself has not directly caused any deaths, it has been responsible for numerous social and reputational fatalities. The founder reportedly lost all his dignity, and regretted his decision until his death. Friends would ask him "why?" and he would never have a good enough answer. Coworkers would place a stone into the urinals at his workplace, jokingly trying to "recreate" the eponymous incident again in their bathroom.
