War on Microsoft

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The War on Microsoft, also sometimes referred to as The War on Terror, not to be confused with TWAT, began with the sacking of Light's Afghanistan by Microsoft's forces. It was a war fought with technology sometimes up to 2000 years out of date. For two weeks, Microsoft and Light forces were involved in small skirmishes, until the November Incident, where the ruling despot of Microsoft went out in public to insult the ruler of Light, and also the ruler of Apple. Unfortunately for Microsoft, this brought Apple into the war, and the two have begun an aggressive push against Microsoft since then.

The war has gone against Microsoft's favour, with the Forces of Light capturing the fortress-city of Outlook, and decimating a Microsoft army, led by the inexperienced lieutenant G. W. Bush, the brother of the brilliant commander Gwa Bush, at the Battle Of The Fields Of Explorer, although the siege of the city of Explorer was lifted, and the 13th Light Division was forced to fall back to Outlook.


The Microsoft Dominion[edit]

The Microsoft Dominion, with its capital at Washington XP, is a militarily strong, though economically weak nation that lies on the east of the Northern Lands. It is ruled by a virgin, short, ugly, virgin, single, virgin dictator Bill Gates, who just happens to be a virgin. The main bureaucratic institutions of the nation are the Office of Oxymorons, the Office of Morons, the Microsoft Office, the Office of Gate Worship and the National Office of Getting Gates Laid, sometimes referred to as OpenGGL. It is rumored that the nation has links with the known outlaw Satan. No official comment has been made by Microsoft on the matter.

The Light Empire[edit]

The Light Empire, with its seat at Linux, is average in military strength, but has a strong economy, and borders the Microsoft Dominion to the east---or is it west?---. It is led by a democratically elected Parliament. The current Chancellor is the esteemed Aragog II.


The Apple monarchy is the power in the Northern Lands, with both a strong military and economy. Unfortunately, it's territory encompases an area slightly smaller than my basement. Its seat lies at the ancient city of Macintosh, and it borders both the Microsoft Dominion and the Light Empire to the north (meaning it's in the south). Its ruling monarch is Steve I.


On the 9th of November, 2006, Microsoft's forces, led by the great Evil General Gwa Bush, sacked the border city of Afghanistan of the Light Empire. The assault was ordered directly by the Great Ruling Despot Bill Gates of the Microsoft Dominion, after he had had had a particularly bad day with the ladies, with one of them even remarking that she would rather be shot, gutted, hung from a tree, and run over by a Buick than go out with him. There have also been reports that Gates had received several wedgies on that day, though the Office of Oxymorons denies this report stating simply that "Microsoft Works".

The Light Empire declared war on the Microsoft Dominion two hours later stating that "the unprovoked attack was an open declaration of war, and the Light Empire... will not stand for such open... acts of aggression." Empire forces were soon mobilised.

After the initial sacking of Afghanistan, for two weeks, Microsoft and Light forces were mostly involved in light skirmishes. However, the war escalated in what is now know as "the November Incident" on the 27th, where Gates, in a public telecast to the entirety of the Northern Lands, insulted the mother of Chancellor Aragog of the Light Empire with horribly construed jokes. On the same day, a mysterious epidemic of illnesses spread across the Northern Lands, affecting thousands in Microsoft, Light, and Apple alike. It was later revealed that most of Bill Gate's jokes came from the unscrupulous recluses who reside on the island of Uncyclopedia. Unfortunately for Gates, he implied a relation between Apple's ruling Monarch Steve I and the Empire's Chancellor's mother's dog. To further complicate the matter, Gates, in one of his brilliant moves, called the people of Apple "worms inside a rotten apple that is covered in fungus". Within an hour, the Office of Morons put out a statement supporting the comments of their leader. This led to a breaking of already strained diplomatic relations between Microsoft and Apple, and on the next day Apple declared war on Microsoft and mobilised its forces.

After the November Incident, both Light and Apple forces moved more aggressively against Microsoft, with Light capturing the city of Outlook, and laying siege to the city of Explorer, while Apple in the south attacked the stronghold of Excel.

Major Events[edit]



Th gates.jpg
Light Empire declares war on Microsoft Dominion.
Light Empire mobilises forces.
Restoration work begins in Afghanistan.
  • 14th 21st Light Division clashes with Microsoft's 4th Division outside Emacs.
  • 15th 5th Light Division clashes with Microsoft's 9th Army outside Powerpoint.
  • 19th 21st Light Division clashes with Microsoft's 4th Division outside Outlook.
2nd and 13th Light Divisions clash with Microsoft's 9th Army near Afghanistan.
  • 21st 21st Light Division suffers major casualties from Microsoft's 4th, 6th and 14th Divisions near the Shadow Mountains.
  • 22nd Microsoft's 6th Division clashes with Light's 2nd Division outside Afghanistan.
  • 27th November Incident.
Uncyclopedia blamed for escalation of war.
Epidemic of illness across the Northern Lands.
Apple mobilises forces.


  • 7th 14th and 18th Light Divisions lay siege to fortress-city of Outlook.
  • 8th Apple's 2nd Army defeats Microsoft's forces in the First Battle of the Fields of Explorer.
Outlook attempts a break-out, and fails.
  • 12th Outlook is now completely cut off from outside aid.
  • 13th Apple's 2nd Army involved in a minor skirmish outside the city of Word.
  • 17th Apple's 2nd Army lays siege to the stronghold of Excel.
Microsoft's 4th Division attempts to break siege of Outlook, fails.
  • 18th Outlook surrenders.
Outlook cannot connect to server, crashes, and needs to be rebooted.
Microsoft's 5th Army attempts to break siege of Excel, succeeds. Apple forces fall back.
Commanding Officer Tim D. Cook awarded the Shady Cloak for his maneuver.
  • 20th Apple's 2nd Army lays siege to Excel again.
Light's 18th Division marches to aid Apple.
  • 24th Light's 18th Division lays siege to the city of Explorer.
  • 25th Microsoft's General Gwa Bush send his brother G. W. Bush to lift the siege of Explorer.
  • 29th Second Battle of the Fields of Explorer. Microsoft's 3rd Army decimated.
G. W. Bush blamed for defeat at Explorer and demoted to "toilet-cleaner".
Light's 13th Division withdraws to Outlook.



Armistice held to allow time for accountants to calculate tax-deductible losses due to the war.
  • 2nd War resumes.
Hundreds of accountants fired across the region after they fail to find any tax deductions.
  • 4th G. W. Bush commanding 7th Army lays siege to Outlook in an attempt to make up for his failure at Explorer.
The siege on Outlook is lifted after a light skirmish resulting in considerable Microsoft casualties. G. W. Bush performs what is now being called his favourite maneuver, the retreat.
  • 5th G. W. Bush returns to once again lay siege to Outlook, this time determined to starve them out.
  • 6th Light's 15th Division marches to the rear of G. W. Bush, and together with the 13th, performs a pincer movement on G. W. Bush. G. W. Bush once again flees the battlefield in utter humiliation.
G. W. Bush demoted to "the guy who cleans the grime off the toilet-cleaner".
  • 11th Apple's newly raised army, the 7th, marches into Microsoft land with the objective of capturing Word.
  • 13th Microsoft's 6th Army attempts to break the siege of Excel. The attack is beat back.
  • 14th City of Excel surrenders to Apple's 2nd Army.
  • 16th Apple's 7th Army lays siege to the city of Word.
  • 18th Microsoft's 17th Division and elements of the 6th Army attack Apple's 7th Army at Word. Apple's forces withdraw from Word.
Apple's 22nd and 23rd Divisions sent to aid the 7th Army at Word.
  • 20th Apple's combined forces of the 7th Army and the 22nd and 23rd Divisions lay siege to Word.
Light's 15th and 16th Divisions march to Explorer.


  • 19th Microsoft introduces the new "Vista" cannons, which are very difficult to crack.
  • 20th Microsoft's Office Elites assassinates Linux's Penguin.
  • 22th Linux declares war on Microsoft.
  • 23th Microsoft's 17th Division feint to the east, pretending to break the siege at Word, then marches to Explorer to drive back Light's 15th and 16th Division.
  • 25th Linux's 1st Artillery Division bombard the city of Start.
  • 28th Gwa Bush, angry at Microsoft for not letting him have any action, leads a coup d'etat and creates Nazisoft.


  • 1st Nazisoft allies with Linux, Light and Apple, forming the Fantastic Four alliance.
  • 2nd Microsoft test-launches its aptly-named BSOD missile.
  • 3rd Microsoft pulverizes the city of GNOME using a salvo of 3 BSODs.
  • 6th Apple finally takes Word, after a siege lasting for three months.
  • "'9th'" Apple completes tests of iNuke. Mobalizez 23rd iPod division for attack on "'Windoze"", the Microsoft capital city
  • '"26th"' Under cover of Fatal Exeption IOE55∅∅∏3BX, 23rd iPod sneaks 10 iNukes into Windoze.
  • "'28th"' After escape of 23rd iPod, iNukes detonated. Windoze destroyed.
  • '"29th"' Microsoft offers Unconditional surrender to all opponents.

First Siege Of Outlook[edit]


The first siege of Outlook began on the 7th December 2006, and lasted until the 18th December 2006.


The 13th and 15th Divisions of the Light Empire Army besieged the Microsoft owned fortess-city of Outlook. The posted defending forces were the 1st and 19th Battalions of the Microsoft Dominion Army.


On the 7th December 2006 the 13th and 15th Divisions of the Light Empire Army besieged the city.

On the 8th December 2006 the 1st and 19th Battalions of Microsoft's forces attempt to drive back the besiegers, but fail.

On the 12th December 2006 the city is completely cut off from outside aid.

On the 17th December 2006 the 4th Division of Microsoft attempts to assail the besiegers in an attempt to break the siege. The attack is repulsed.

On the 18th December 2006 the city of Outlook surrenders to the Light Empire forces.


The Microsoft forces surrendered and the city was captured by the Light Empire forces.

Microsoft's coup de grace[edit]


Microsoft's coup de grace, or MCDG, began on the 10th March 2007, and lasted on the 27th March 2007.


On the 10th March 2007 Microsoft launches 4 BSODs on KDE, Dock , Mail and Evolution. The BSOD aimed at Evoulution cut off Linux's communication lines. Unable to co-ordinate their attacks and with Penguin casualties skyrocketing because of disease, Linux surrenders.

On the 15th March 2007 Microsoft annihilates Berlin-Richmond with its prototype BSOD-2 missile.

On the 19th March 2007 Microsoft hacks into Word and Outlook's power and communications systems and shut the down, throwing the city into darkness.

On the 21th March 2007 Microsoft launches a massive attack on Word, liberating it.

On the 26th March 2007 Nazisoft surrenders.

On the 27th March 2007 Microsoft recaptures Outlook and fortifies Explorer, repulsing Apple's 18th Battalion and 2nd Artillery Division.

On the 17th December 2007 Microsoft unleashes Dreamscene and puts the opposing forces into a trance that can only be described as hallucenogenic. Linux commanders cannot handle the visuals and resort to telnet and morse code to communicate between the vast distances of their scattered armies.

On the 10th March 2007 Gates wakes up from his dream. He runs quickly to tell his generals of his brilliant plan. They inform him, that unfortunately, BSODs only work against Microsoft. Gates questions why he spent billions of dollars and years of development to design such a useless weapon. General Gwa Bush reminds him that it was designed as a terror weapon to be used to keep Microsoft citizens in line.