Vin Diesel

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Vin Deisel)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
      Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Vin Unleaded?
The Man Behind Modern Israel
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those who choose not to acknowledge Vin's awesome powers, the Heretics at Wikipedia have an article about Vin Diesel .

“Uh, Vin Diesel is Italian / African American”

~ Captain Obvious on Vin Diesel

“Oh god, are they seriously making a fifth one? At least Vin is in it.”

“He's just like me, except younger, balder and much less hot.”

“That’s right! I have more hair than him!”

~ Brian May on Vin Diesel

Vin "Hank" Diesel (born Theodor Geisel; July 18, 1167) was born in Modern day Israel to Ted Unleaded, an Israeli Jewish Biro factory worker, and Mary Unleaded(his father's mother). Diesel grew up in Fellatio, Indiana, and contrary to rumors that he is illiterate, he can in fact, barely read. However, Vin Diesel does not read in the conventional sense. Rather, the words become cars racing across the page and only the fastest and/or most furious survive to form a sentence. This method of "reading" has proved fairly controversial, and has put at least four film productions behind schedule as he struggles to read the script. He is also mentally retarded and lacks communicating normally.

Many females consider Vin Diesel's little finger to be sexually attractive, but if you look closely you will realize that he is actually a god and the savior of Israel.

Etymology

Vin Diesel is a man of many talents. Acting is not among them.

Vin Diesel's name has long been a subject of scholarly scrutiny for some time now. No one knows where the hell this name came from. The mystery deepened when it was revealed that his parents surnames were "Unleaded" and "Premium". This suggests he is adopted, however, no other people with the surname "Diesel" can ever remember a Vin being a member of their family. One suggestion is that "Vin" which is French for wine, and "Diesel", which is English for "Diesel", are two highly flammable liquids, and that possibly his middle name is Ethanol. Re arranged it spells his credo "I end lives."

Professor George Hydrogen, Fuel-Cell, BSc, of Oxford University, however, gave his polite verdict on this theory "Bullshit. No, seriously, that's complete donkey bollocks. Vin is a traditional southeast Jewish name. Yes, you heard me, south east Jewish. Yes, there is a South East Israel. No, it's plenty big enough to be divided into North, South, West, East, South East, South West, North West, North East, South North, West East, West South, East North and the rest of them. Wait, what the hell? OK, forget that. It's Jewish. But seriously, we don't know where the hell this name came from, and we sure as hell don't give a shit. And don't even get me started on Diesel".

When he was questioned on whether he thought that Vin Diesel had just changed his name from Mark Sinclair Vincent to sound cooler, Professor George had a similar view.

The phrase Vin Di Sal Haz Ten Ve Pon Sé contains all the irregular positive tú commands of the Spanish language. The spelling may have been changed later.

While scholars still haven't figured out where Vin Diesel's name comes from, they do know he inspired the term "diesel dyke", because of the class of large, mannish, muscular lesbians that resemble him.

History

At the age of 21, he became a leader for the entire Jewish community and use to shag Jewish pensioners and elderly goats for less than 10 p. He even sucked mine. and traveled all around the world spreading words of wisdom and herpes to small children, since he was tired of killing them off himself. He is now the leader of the Mossad. At 23, he entered a magical wormhole that appeared in his local Honda dealership, which sent him to the Illegal Street Racing Universe. He proceeded to race their emperor and win after he leaped from his car and stabbed the emperor in the face with a ceremonial katana, while going 300 miles per hour. Vin returned to our universe three years later, immortal, and with many Asian supermodels.

As is not very well known Vin Diesel is a direct descendant of Rudolph Diesel, the inventor of the Wankel rotary engine. Vin starts every day with a piping hot cup of diesel fuel, which he then urinates into the sun to keep it burning. Ironically Vin Diesel was used by the gasoline industries in the USA to promote the use of gasoline through the movie "The fast and the Furious". This led to large protests in Germany, the home country of Rudolph Diesel. A diplomatic conflict was born between Gerhardt Schröder, president of Germany, and George W. Bush. When in 2004 the world thought this conflict was finally solved, Gerhard Schröder, as revenge for the Diesel Debacle, denied aid to the USA attacking Iraq. For this reason, he has come to be known as "The Mad Turk".

Unknown to many people, Vin Diesel actually received his rigorous training from Ross Kemp, which upon completion, his hair merely disappeared, which explains his mirror like sheen on his head, for like Ross Kemp himself, he no longer had the need for hair. It is this training that has been assumed to have given Vin Diesel his amazing supernatural ability to kick ass, regardless of the odds. However once Vin's training was complete, Ross realized that his protege's powers were out of control and that if he rebelled against Ross, they would do battle for eternity, laying the Multiverse to waste in the process. To prevent this from happening, Kemp created the now famous entities known as Mr. T and Chuck Norris to counterbalance Diesel's power. Failed attempts to create beings powerful enough for this Herculean labour included Jackie Chan, Jean-Claude Van-Damme and Bruce Willis. The Stig was powerful enough but couldn't be bothered and now works on Top Gear.

Vin Diesel also underwent a 7-year-long intense physical training program in order to perform a 'space-jump'. Vin finally accomplished the space-jump exiting the earth's atmosphere at the age of 20 and was the first deity in space. Vin travelled through the universe for a few days but decided not to go to the moon and is reported stating "Everyone knows the moon has no cheese." Vin Diesel enthusiasts conclude his space endeavors were missions to find space cheese but were unsuccessful.

Contrary to his surname, Vin doesn't actually run on Diesel, he instead runs on concentrated false hopes and broken dreams.

It is a curious fact that if you rearrange the letters in "Vin Diesel", you get the phrase "I end lives." Cool, eh?

Vin Diesel always seems to be working on some or the other prequel to "The Fast and The Furious", which might be called either "The Hurried and The Annoyed" or The Slow and The Calm or "The Premature and Done"

Vin Diesel and Bruce Willis are fierce enemies, and have been fighting since dawn of time, possibly earlier. The original reason for the conflict has been lost, but it has hypothesized that it started when Willis threw Vin Diesel's Asian hooker down an elevator shaft. Bruce then proceeded to headbutt Vin, knocking him into last week. Vin Diesel swore revenge, and he continues planning till this day, yet he or someone else will need to hit him into next week in order to let him catch up with Willis. Or is that this week?

During the brief period between 2006 and 2008 when gas prices were going up world-wide, Vin Diesel underwent an operation to become Vin Diesel-Electric Hybrid. Even though this move gave him major credit with environmentalists, it in no way helped him get any jobs in the film industry. He went back to using Vin Diesel on paper though in private he still goes by Diesel-Electric Hybrid.

His movie, Babylon AE, was a major hit worldwide - being voted by fans and critics alike as not simply Diesel's best but the finest film in motion picture history. It stole all 12 Oscars the year of its release. Given the success of this film, Diesel was signed - on a $2 billion contract - to produce and star in sequels Fast and the Furious 5,6,7,8,9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 and 17.


The Diesieoloical Argument

The Manalisa, or "Monaliesel", commissioned in 1502 by Leonardo Da Vinci
Vin Diesel also starred in the popular videogame series, Timesplitters.
And you thought a thriller with liberal subtext would be lame...
Diesel laments taking on a role that required considerable acting talent.
Diesel will use any kind of dirty tactic to win a race...
Anyone with the smallest amount of common sense knows that Vin Diesel does not ask for directions, he gives them.
You did not see this picture!!!
One of the more moving scenes from the film '2 Easter 2 Island'
Vin Diesel in in his covert disguise outfit.
Vin beats Chuck with a solid 670,000 hit combo.
  • Anselm once described Vin Diesel as 'the thought than which nothing greater can be thought".
  • Rennée Descartres philosophized that just as a mountain must have a valley and a triangle must have 180 degrees, Vin Diesel must have awesomeness and kick-ass moves
  • Richard Swinburne reasoned that the appearance of the word 'sweeeet' in the universe is evidence of Vin Diesel's existence
  • Jean-Paul Sartre defined the three emotional consequences of freedom as anguish, abandonment, and Vin Diesel
  • Hilary Putnam said we might well just be brains in vats being fed information by Vin Diesel
  • When God said, "Let there be light," the switch flipped Vin Diesel.

Filmography

  • 2 Lord of 2 Rings (New Zealand 2001) - Vin Diesel plays a man genetically modified to look like a hobbit who crash lands on a planet called "Middle Earth". Many pitched, explosive battles occur and he comes into possession on the 2 rings which leads to much trouble for him later in the film. The first part of this epic saga ends with the evil lord Sauron challenges him to an illegal street race for the fate of the rings.
  • Hey You! (Japan, 2000) - In his first "with hair" film, Vin Diesel plays a middle aged man being chased by an exponentially growing group of Japanese men trying to return Vin-san his wallet back.
  • Drop Ship (USA, 2001) - Vin Diesel plays a one-eyed man who crash lands on an alien planet inhabited by the blind. Many pitched battles unfold and he eventually becomes king.
  • 2 Pitch 2 Black (USA, 2003) - Vin Diesel plays a blind man who crash lands on a dark planet inhabited by blind aliens. An ill-advised crew choose him to lead them to their eventual deaths as they stumble around aimlessly for months.
  • 2 Chronicles 2 Riddick (USA, 25000 BC) - Vin Diesel returns in his most famous role as "blind man" and fights an evil cult or some shit I don't know.
  • 2 Avatar 2 Diesel (Pandora, 2130) - Vin Diesel crash lands on a planet inhabited entirely by 9 foot blue people. They shoot arrows, throw rocks, ride these weird dragon things, smoke lots of weed in giant groups, and have lots of blue alien sex. The movie ends after Vin Diesel blows their "HomeWeed" up with his left index finger, and challenges their blue leaders to an illegal blue street race for all of their blue women. The movie was later ripped off by some Pastafarianomericanonnite named James Cameron, who edited all of Diesel's parts out, so you'll never get to see what really happened.
  • 2 Vin 2 Curious (USA 1977) Vin Diesel is at it again and crash lands onto a planet filled with homosexual cowboys and is mildly interested in an Oscar nomination.
  • 2 Bright 2 Sunny (USA, 2004) - Vin Diesel plays an albino who crash lands on a very sunny planet inhabited by magnifying glasses.
  • 2 Alanis 2 Morisette (USA, 1995) - Vin Diesel plays a knife who crash lands on an alien planet inhabited by ten thousand spoons. The crew debate the irony of the situation, which is then explained very slowly to the American audience. The movie ends with Vin challenging the spoons to an illegal street race; which he then proceeds to win and manages to escape the planet by hitch-hiking a ride on micro scooter driven by Owen Wilson.
  • Find Me Guilty (USA, 2006) - A comedy-drama based on the longest Mafia trial in American history. Mobster Giacomo DiNorscio, also known as "Fat Jack" (played by Vin Diesel), faces a series of charges but decides to stand trial instead of ratting out his family and associates. A wrench is thrown into the system when DiNorscio attempts to defend himself and act as his own lawyer at trial. It is directed by Sidney Lumet, and also stars Peter Dinklage and Linus Roache. The man whom Vin Diesel played in the movie died during filming, and Vin Diesel had to gain 30 pounds to play the part. These two facts are in no way connected, and Vin Diesel was never charged with cannibalism.
  • Big Feet In Little China (Little Italy, 2009) - Vin Diesel plays a deaf man who after being wrongfully accused of murder is deported to a barren planet populated entirely by ladyboys. His lack of hearing heightens his other senses which he uses to survive in this hostile environment.
  • Titanic 2: Atlantic Drift (Somewhere in the Atlantic, 1912)- Vin Diesel plays an iceberg that sinks ships. The role won him several awards, including best actor, best romance scene, best comedy of the year, and best action scene of the year for the illegal boat race that had nothing to do with the film, and even earned him a spot on Hollywood's A-list.
  • 2 Vin 2 Diesel (USA, 2010) - Vin Diesel plays a man genetically modified to look like Vin Diesel, who crash lands on a planet inhabited entirely by Vin Diesels. The Vin Diesels, however, have a keen sense of smell and spot the fake amongst them. A nervous and confused crew watch on as the Vin Diesels turn upon Vin Diesel and challenge him to an illegal street race.
  • 3 Vin 3 Diesel (USA, 2011) - Vin Diesel plays a man genetically modified to look like 3 Vin Diesels who crash land on one side of a river. The crew must get all 3 Vin Diesels across to the other side, but they can only take a maximum of 2 at any time. However: if Vin Diesel is left alone then he will start eating his own leg, if Vin Diesel is put with Vin Diesel then they will challenge each other to an illegal street race, and if Vin Diesel is left with Vin Diesel and Vin Diesel then they will morph into Super Vin Diesel and destroy the universe. The crew ponder the first move carefully.
  • The Pacifier 2 (USA, 2006) - Disgraced CIA agent Vin Diesel is given a walk-in-the-park last chance assignment, and must go undercover at a small town nursery in order to infiltrate illegal "toddler fights", where razor-clad infants are pitted against each other to the death. Flashbacks of his ex-partner sleeping with his ex-wife play havoc with his mind, as he pulls up his nappy and enters the ring of death. The crowd roars for blood. Focus, Vin Diesel, FOCUS. The movie ends with Vin Diesel challenging the toddlers to an illegal trike race on an alien planet.
  • The Spanish-American War (USA/Spain, 1672) - Arguably the greatest film of all time, Vin Diesel plays an American mariner who crash lands on an alien planet inhabited by Cubans. He tries to get back to his homeland, but something is wrong with his G-Diffuser. In his frustration, he punches an iron wall which happens to be the U.S.S. Maine. The Maine responds by exploding in the harbor, prompting the Japanese to attack Switzerland. In the end, Vin Diesel liberates Cuba from Jabba the Hutt after an illegal street race, but gives it back after he realizes he is allergic to cauliflower, which some say inspired the Psychological thriller, "The Pacifier 2".
  • Vin Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Diesel (Coruscant, A long, long, time ago) - Vin Diesel impersonates the Grand Army of the Republic and crash lands on various planets simultaneously. He proceeds to betray the Ninjedi and kicks every single one's ass. Curiously, his legs are cut off by Michelle Kwan when he attempts a triple axle. He spends four minutes regrowing them.
  • 2 Drunk 2 Fuck (Suburbia, 2948 and 3/4) - After a sexy grunge girl (Keanu Reeves) crash lands on a wealthy hermaphrodite (Morgan Freeman)'s head, a schizophrenic Sherlock Holmes (Co-acted by Vin Diesel and his cousin, Amerigo Vespucci) investigates the facial features of a large lab rat. Hilarity ensues when Vin and Amerigo deduce that the entire plot is not worth the millions they're being paid, the film falls apart and the remaining six hours passes by with ferocious priest, rabbi, and blonde jokes, not to mention an illegal street race. The film ends with a delightful pun concerning the Zimbabwean population of Venus.
  • 2222222 (USA, That Guy is Eating a Hamburger) - Vin Diesel plays late comedian Mitch Hedberg in the story of his epic struggle to obtain an easy to remember phone number. His journey brings him face to face with the director of the North American Numbering Plan Administration, John Manning (Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.), a seemingly indomitable man. However, he has one weakness: as an avid boating enthusiast, he is all-encompassingly unable to turn down an illegal regatta. Will our hero be able to prevail, having only rarely driven a steamboat?
  • 2 Too 2 Tu-Tu (The Confederacy, 1997) - Vin Diesel plays a bulimic ballet dancer who crash lands on the planet Dance Dance Revolution and must out-dance the malicious girls from a rival dance studio, and especially his arch-rival, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, (played by a different actor in each scene by successively more retarded cast members of the Real World, from that season, I can't remember which, you know... the one where they all got drunk and fucked each other), but can he stop binging long enough to fit into his spacesuit, which mysteriously keeps shrinking due to the space age pranks of Tutu and Company? (fact: real men wear pink)
  • sin²(Vin)+cos²(Diesel) (USA, 1) - Vin Diesel plays a space ship genetically modified to look like Vin Diesel's space ship and crash lands on a planet inhabited entirely by spaceships crash landing into planets. Following the intense special effects of the crash scene, the movie pretty much just trudges along for another 100 minutes. The high point of the film is probably when Diesel's character challenges a small child to an illegal street race, and then proceeds to eat him after winning.
  • Vin² : The Hyperdiesel (USA, 2012) - A group of shockingly uncommon actors (performing a nerd, a retard, a hot chick, a tough guy, an Afro-American, a TEH PWNER and a fat ass) wake up in the middle of a room with the form of Vin Diesel´s head, without remembering anything. In each orifice of Vin Diesel´s face there is a door which leads to an identical room, and the protagonists move from head to head searching for an exit. At half of the movie, the nerd realizes that there is a pattern between the rooms, but he is killed by one of the traps that were randomly placed by the high on crack writers of the movie. At the end, most of the cast die leaving only the retard which somehow finds the exit of the Vin. Many people believe that there is a metaphorical meaning for this movie, but the writers claimed that it's in fact the actual biography of Vin Diesel's brain cells.
  • 2 Crash 2 Land (Crashland, 1666) - Vin Diesel plays a man who crash lands on an planet and dies instantly.
  • V for Vin Diesel (UK, 2004) - Vin Diesel plays himself in this futuristic dystopian epic, in which he must battle the totalitarian regime of England, kill the corrupt prime minister, and restore freedom and democracy to the country. Also, he blows up a double-decker bus. He liberates England from the oppressive dictatorship by challenging the leader to an illegal street race.
  • 2 Triple 2 X (Soviet Russia, 2004) - In Soviet Russia plot outline censors you!
  • xXx²: Snakes on a Plane (USA, 2006, announced) - (Working title- Planeaconda!) Vin Diesel crash lands on a plane crash landing on a planet inhabited entirely by venomous snakes. Can Vin right the plane in time to win the midair drag race (and the audiences hearts?), or will a team of rogue undercover Hamas terrorists (Sarah Jessica Parker, Bob Barker, and C.G. Kurt Cobain) thwart his efforts and sacrifice the plane (along with our beloved Diesel) to the Palestinian Snake Gods?
  • xXxmas (North Pole, December 25) - Vin Diesel crash lands at the North Pole and challenges Santa Claus to an illegal sleigh race.
  • secSECsec (New York City, Happy Hour) - Vin Diesel crash lands on a trendy New York nightclub and challenges professional bartender Brian Flanagan (Tom Cruise) to an illegal flair bartending competition.
  • Miracle on the Hudson (USA, 2009) - Vin Diesel plays Chesley B. Sullenberger, the pilot who heroically landed US Airways Flight 1549 on the Hudson River, saving the lives of all 155 people on board. He was awarded the Oscar for Best Actor for his stunning portrayal of a man who was able to land a plane safely.
  • 3 Vin 300 Furious (Early Spartan Empire) - Vin Diesel plays a man that tries to take over the Spartan Empire. 300 of the most ruthless Soldier’s stand in his way. As he approaches, the 300 men through there spears at him. Vin just deflects them with his hand. He then defeats them in under 5 milliseconds. Sparta is his.
  • 2 Easter 2 Island (Polynesia, 2006) - Vin Diesel crash lands on an island inhabited entirely by stone statues.
  • Apocalypse: The Acclaimed Motion Picture (3664 A.D.) - Vin Diesel won an Academy Award in this film for Best Masturbation Scene. It was the first time and the last time that this award was ever given. Vin Diesel is just that cool. The film also won 70 other Academy Awards.
  • 4 Vin 4 Diesel (USA, 2014) - Vin Diesel crash lands on a planet populated by a cultist people hellbent on sabotaging his every attempt to land successfully on a planet. A surreal twist follows when Vin Diesel regains his memory (after an illegal street race) and discovers that he started the cult. The crew look annoyed.
  • Saving 2 Private 2 Ryan The only time Vin diesel really gets Owned.
  • Diesel of the Dead (A Corner Behind You, 4065) - Vin Diesel crash lands onto a planet whose only inhabitants are dead. Vin gets on well with the population and even manages to be elected their new President. When an alien crash lands into the White House, Vin is forced to take off his hat and unleash his Incredibly Shiny Head. This destroys Joan Rivers, but unfortunately the dead have an allergy to the bald heads and the whole populace re-dies out. Mr Diesel is then forced to seek the Swedish Mafia for a loan to construct a magic carpet to escape the planet, otherwise he would die from boredom. A touching Rom-Zom-Com-Dom-Gom.
  • Burn0ut (PureUSA, 2008) - Originally based on the shit video game Need For Speed, futuristic-sci-fi-romance film Burnout features Vin as a popular illegal street race driver who is on the run from group of hellbent illegal street race drivers who want to turn Vin into Diesel (not the person, the petrol) to fuel their cars to have more and more illegal street races. The film culminates in an illegal street race where Vin has to beat the upset drivers or risks being murdered. Vin wins the race but loses his legs in the final battle when his solar powered illegal street race car dies due to rain and is forced to turn his own body into Diesel (not the person, the petrol) to continue driving. This movie proves once and for all how great Mobil is and how we should all continue buying their products, every day for the rest of our lives.
  • 2 Burn0ut or Not 2 Burn0ut 2: Clone Warz 1 (PureUSA, 2010) - After the huge success of Burn0ut, Vin self-funds a prequel with a difference - it takes place after the first movie. Vin returns in the water based sequel of a totally different name. Following Vin winning the street race and losing his legs, the illegal street racers contract sixteen year nine biology students to turn his exhaust fumes into a clone - which they name Fin. Without the use of his legs, Vin joins the popular illegal street boat circuit where he gets into a run-in with a group of illegal street boat racers who also want to turn Diesel into Vin (not the petrol, the person). The movie culminates with Vin teaming up with Fin to beat the illegal street boat racers at their own game - Monopoly, but is ran over by a bus. The illegal street boat racers decide that Fin is good enough to turn into Vin (not the petrol, the person) and all live happily ever after. This movie also features a talking pie.
  • 3 Burn0ut 3 0utBurn: The Search for Diesel 4 (the wrestler, not the person or the fuel) (PureUSA, 2011) - This sequel (as all Vin sequels do) does not actually feature Vin or have anything to do with the first two movies in the series, and is in fact a documentary about bird watching set in the not too distant future of yesterday, sometime around 3pm Eastern (2pm Central). Somehow the birds featured in the movie have a run-in with a group of illegal street helicopter racers who want to turn them into Diesel (the wrestler, not the person or the fuel). The movie culminates with the birds having a race-off against the illegal street helicopter racers. The birds are crushed by the propellers of the helicopters when the race starts and lose rather quickly when the illegal street helicopter racers pass the Vinish Line (not Finish Line, as the population of Finland now have the word under copyright and the rights cost too much to use - kinda like how the song Happy Birthday in TV shows and movies is) first and celebrate with Bob Saget. The Sun movie reviewer Jesus was quoted saying "It's not a trilogy. It's a thrillogy." before giving the movie 0.5 stars in his February 31st review.
  • Pitch Diesel (Australia, 2000) Vin Diesel plays a seriously dangerous criminal who is being transported to a secret prison. During the flight, the ship is damaged in a meteor shower, and makes an emergency crash landing into a deserted planet. At first the planet appears deserted, but when a crew member starts exploring a mysterious hole in the wall of a pit of sand, he discovers the planet is host to a large illegal underground street racing network. The next 90 minutes consists of Vin battling his way through a string of grueling street races, in order to earn himself enough money to pay Watto to repair the hyperdrive generator on the ship so they can escape the planet. The movie ends with the hyperdrive generator being repaired and Vin and two other crew members escaping the strange planet and going into exile.
  • 2 Back 2 The Future (USA, 1985) Vin Diesel exceeds 88mph in an illegal street race and is transported back in time to 1955. Here, he takes the opportunity to challenge the paradox and ensures his parents never meet by killing everyone.
  • Tu Fast Tu Furious (USA, 1929) - Mary Colter produced this documentary to coincide with the grand opening of the La Posada hotel in Winslow, Arizona. It tells the enthralling tale of Don Alphonso de los Pajaros (Larry David), a wealthy Spanish landowner whose family had owned La Posada for 120 years, and his chef, Juan Carlos Mardomingo (Vin Diesel). Don Alphonso had insisted on addressing all of his hired help with the formal usted - even Juan Carlos, who he had grown close to over the years - close enough, Juan Carlos felt, that he deserved to be addressed with the more formal tu. The tension between them grew and grew until the fateful day when Juan Carlos challenged Don Alphonso to an illegal street race in an attempt to restore his honor. If Juan Carlos lost, he would stay on as Don Alphonso's chef for free for the rest of his life; if he won, then he would become La Posada's new owner. Reluctantly, Don Alphonso accepted, only to be beaten narrowly by an enraged Juan Carlos. His victory would be short-lived, however; the stock market crash of 1929 would force him to sell the manor to the Santa Fe Railway to support his family.
  • 2 Angry 2 Cry (West Hamptons, NY 2008-1/2) Vin shows his emotional range when a young boy pushes his buttons by calling him Fag Diesel and kicking his shin. Vin instead of crying or walking away does what a man only of Vin's kind can, and destroys the child with a couple left hooks. The rest of the movie Vin continuously sings, "I am 2 Angry 2 Cry" which became a breakaway crossover Country/Electro/Pop/Rockabilly single.
  • 2 Full 2 Eat (USA 2789) Vin Diesel crash lands into a bakery where he eats cheese wontons and destroys the toilet.
  • 2 Diesel's: the Real and the Fake - for the first time ever Vin takes on all his opponents and enemines, including the over-60's gang (Stallone and Schwarzenegger). The grand finale is a 16 hour battle between the real Diesel and the fake Diesel (aka Jelly-Belly). Out come their respective weapons - one normal, one disformed - and we discover who's the bigger man! Winning, the real Diesel rages in triumph and rips off Jelly-Belly's disformed member (eating the remains), leaving Jelly-Belly to crawl off to the fist love of his life, Freaky-looking-woman-that-looks-like-a-man (otherwise known as the Blob-Thing)!
  • duh vin she's code part 2.0 (tom hanks vs vin diesel only on blu-ray- Vin is left alone with Tom Hanks to discuss the differences between mayonnaise and salad dressing. Vin hates salad dressing so he ruins Tom's face with an incredible slow mo attack using forks and spoons. Tom challenges Vin to an illegal street race as revenge.
  • 2 Muscle's 2 Big!- in this film, Diesel hoped to show off his 47 inch biceps. To compete, Diesel's impersonator, Dave Jelly-Belly, decided to also develop his frame ... expanding to 48 inches! Unfortunately, Jelly-Belly got it a little wrong - and now has a 48 inch waist.
  • 2 Raid 2 Entebbe (USA 1977) A group of Palestinian terrorists hijack an airliner and land it in Uganda. Vin plays the leader of an Israeli commando unit who challenges the hijackers to an illegal street race.
  • 2 Death 2 Wish (USA 1974) Vin Diesel crash lands in 1970s New York City, where his wife is killed and his daughter is raped by muggers. He gets revenge by challenging the muggers to an illegal street race.
  • 2 Dogs 2 War (USA 1981) Vin Diesel plays a mercenary hired to overthrow the dictator of a fictional African country. He does so by challenging the dictator to an illegal street race.
  • 2 Live 2 Die 2 L.A. (USA 1985) Vin Diesel plays a Secret Service agent who is trying to arrest a counterfeiter who killed his partner. He gets revenge by killing the counterfeiter during an illegal street race.
  • 2 Armour 2 God (Hong Kong 1986) Vin Diesel plays an Indiana Jones ripoff who is trying to recover an artifact known as the Armour of God from an evil cult. He ends up challenging the cult to an illegal street race and composes the most badass ending theme ever.
  • It is said (and to be duly noted) that Vin was notorious for late nights of partying with Oscar-winner Sean Penn on the set of Penn's 2001 film "i am sam". Being Penn's understudy, Diesel said the script spoke to him as the character of Sam was semi-autobiographical for him.
  • According to "Hanging to the Left" magazine, Diesel will be in the sequel to the 1992 film "My Cousin Vinny." It will be titled "My Notorious God of Doom Vin." It will be filled with anger, romance, comedy, and Cheez-Its. In one scene, it was reported that he covers himself in diesel gas, lights himself on fire, and then jumps into a pool of more diesel gas just for the irony of it all.

Night Life

Diesel Has been known to go out on weekends and perform abortions with nothing more than a machete and a flashlight.

Diesel recently announced that his look-alike, Dave Jelly-Belly, has in fact been impersonating Vin for the last 32 years - making films, attending parties, having children, etc. - and, in all the truth, every creative aspect of his life is the product of this impersonator.

It is now unknown who the real Diesel is - either Vin or his full-time impersonator Dave Jelly-Belly, who looks so alike as to have been called a look-alike! If this so-called "Dave Jelly-Belly" is a real person, and not just an out-of-work folk lift truck driver from north-west England, then this article might well be about him.

Born "David Jelly", but added the extra Belly upon getting married to the second love of his life Lester, this look-alike has the same acting talent as the "real" Diesel. Some say the two can be told apart by only one thing: Jelly-Belly has a tattoo (of the words "I'm the genuine look-alike of Vin Diesel otherwise known as Jelly-Belly") that is scrolled on his deformed penis. The tattoo is in font size 2, so as to fit. Strangely enough, neither the real or fake Diesel have been known to get their respective penises out to prove who is who.

Hiatus and Process of Soul-Searching

Diesel was denied his originally planned contract in regards to the pre-planned sequel to the cult-classic "Vindows Update"; sending him into an extensive and deep mental depression and/or drug psychosis. At one point, to add to Vin's lengthy cocaine and pixie stick addiction, he reached 2-3 bottles of Jack Daniels a day not to forget his 5 pack a day cigarette habit.

After a series of overdoses and stints in rehab, Vin consulted world-renown acting coach: James Lipton. After months of prestigious practicing and creative output, Vin was able to delve into a seemingly impossible character. It is said that Thespes was the first to conceptualize said character. The dynamic intertwines the lust and sexual appetite to that of Don Juan or Don Quixote, the accent of Antonio Banderas, the altruistic aura of Jesus Christ, suaveness personified, and the brain capacity child.

Vin has vowed that not only will he never drop the character, but refuses to ever admit that there ever was a "Vin Diesel" in existence. Going by the name Gelando Ricardo Ricardo. Though asked several times at to why his last name is to be said twice, he refused to give a logical explanation.

Vin is currently leading a sober and vegetarian life, with only his beloved unfiltered Camels to be his remaining vice. He has been seen dating various women in clubs and is said to have fucked Mark Wahlberg in a bathroom stall near Miami. The experience was Marky Mark's primary source of influence for his performance in 2008's "Max Payne".

It has recently been announced that Vin Deisel's full-time impersonator, Dave Jelley-Belly, is to be honored by the Queen of England, and will from now on be known as Lord Belly, as a result of all the hard work involved in looking like Vin Deisel. However, Lord Belly may loose the title, as he has been rumored to have started looking like the scrotum sack of Jason Statham.

See also

External links

Retrieved from "https://en.uncyclopedia.co/w/index.php?title=Vin_Diesel&oldid=6317339"