User:Sycamore/Francerewrite
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France or République française as it is officially known is the biggest European scumhole, surpassing even Germany for cultural stereotypes and social unrest. Her chief claim to fame is being the first stop for any artist reject/wannabe dictator. The country is located at the teat of Europe hence the town of Breast at the foremost edge of the coast.
The French are famed for their cuisine which consists of "baking Bread" and "producing hot buns and tarts". There is also the widely adopted pastime of drinking excess coffee so as to be able to stay late into the night; indeed France is a nation of midnight ally cats.[1]
The French have also have a great claim to fame by having overpowering unions which slow industry and production and have led to the country being in perpetual recession and ruled by crypto-fascist governments since France's defeat in the Second World War.
History[edit | edit source]
The history of such a country began with the brutal tribe called the Gauls a tribe exclusively dedicated to the art of pimping, indeed most of Europe was bankrupted from the brutal pimping tactics employed by the new land that would eventually be called France, with the advent of Christendom the country adopted a pretentioness to disguise a heathen attitude toward everything notably buggery and perfume.
The Gaul’s were eventually subdued by the Christians and the Romans, and a nation was born. However it was evil reptile race, the Merovingian’s that made the France we know today surpassing the Franks and making the countries anemic smug self importance an importance that it has continued to think of itself till this very day. Under the new monarchy, the French became a powerful force in medieval Europe, with the country becoming a key player.
France proved to be the first point of entry for Corsican up start Napoleon Bonaparte. The French revolution proved to be Frances enduring legacy to European history. His awesome height of four feet and four inches inspired his hate fuelled vengeance for the rest of Europe and spawned the Napoleonic Wars. During these Napoleonic Wars the French Legal system influenced the rest of the globe with an ethos of giving up at first sign of trouble.
Disposing of messy royalty in turn for support of any upstarts and tyrants, has generally come symbolize the success with the revolution hence the great French motto in the rights of man "Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, or Death"
Politics[edit | edit source]
Frances politics are vague and corrupt; however most agree however that France is run by an Illuminati and pointless European bureaucracy. Most policies are usually in place to keep flagging car industries going. For domestic matters France concerns itself with narrowly avoid outside intervention of the wide scale corruption within its political spheres and avoid complete implosion of any law and order with it’s over unionized workforce.[2]
Today we see France as key player on the world stage due to ex-colonial habits, just like the hated ponse rivals, the British across the channel. Their past exploits have landed them the ability to "veto" UN Security Council decisions; this has been chiefly used to annoy arch nemesis the Americans.
The key distinction of French politics is the pompous candour and general snootiness towards other G8 members. There is also heavy emphasis on the language famously reported by many as "wiping your arse with silk" - and love of Wine, which the French have boldly claimed is almost as good as the Bogan variety.
The French foreign policy consisted of enslaving North African's to become prostitutes for withered European aristocrats. Throughout its long history France has known many masters and has become adjusted to thinking of itself as the worlds foil, not only in politics but in fashion, architecture and other cultural matters.
Culture[edit | edit source]
Culturally France is world famous, with many other countries following France's lead. The main exportable culture is an inbuilt sense of superiority and an overly priggish sense of ones cultural refinement. The French language is the main conveyor of French snail eating culture and charm.
| “ | Yes France is indeed a hotbed of decadent bourgeois malaise and pretentious foppery,... like most Frenchmen I detest it so.... Could you pass my coffee and cigarettes, as well as my sticky paged copy of Les Misérables; I'm far too lazy to move at the moment | ” |
These were Jean Paul Sartre's comments on his homeland’s culture and have been seen as a strong force on opposition to the social and cultural ills of France, if only the French could be bothered to read his angst-ridden juvenile literature.
The chief cultural (and personal) concern of the French is existentialism. The fashionable Philosophical movement of staring at ones own navel so as to decipher higher reality. France is also the birthplace of absinthe drinking sex addicts and most outsiders perceive a country obsessed with snail eating and general debauchery. Indeed the country brought us the exploits of the great Marquis de Sade and Molière, their expose of rampant bestiality... However issues have arisen with toilet facilities which have often been described as "unsanitary", as the French have the custom of smearing their own excrement across the walls whilst "working the bidet" often with a whore simultaneously.
The country is famed for its rich and varied Mime posse, which has the world art community turned its way in admiration and respect. Many report France's art community as excelling all competition, not only in creepiness but also in the erotic subplots of performances.
The Geopolitical Crap Bin[edit | edit source]
Culture wars engulfed France early on, with heavy losses; mostly France consists of small insignificant provinces where the wives of rich men can spend their husband’s huge bonuses on over priced products throughout the country, notably "Provence" an overrated stretch of arable land where the super rich often take their vacations.
France is a centre for any filmmakers, style gurus and taste. A common practice in French culture are pointless fashion shows for vain effeminate men to along with emaciated supermodels (usually American girls are dolled up to be of the French "species"). and films that have no decerneable plot or meaning attract those who were French at heart but were expelled from their own country.(possible move to culture)
Along with this, France has become synonymous with European foreign policy and as such is often shown to be the blame for a federal Europe and excessive bureaucracy thought the European parliament due to over spending on wine and croissants.
Jacques Lacan of the continental tradition famously commented "Don't come to France, nothing works". This indictment has been blown off with a more self-deprecating attitude of low prices for land, as well a willingness to blow up Islands, animals and the bounderies of good taste. As a result British expats reportedly have flooded over in droves, along with American students.
Tourism[edit | edit source]
| “ | Trust me, I'm a librarian. My fellow countrymen have mostly been possessed by sex predators from the fourth dimension. Somebody please help me. | ” |
These words were spoken by Michel De Montaigne, and were discovered as a bottle note in America. As a result of this there has subsequently been a review and both the Lonely Planet guides and National Geographic have updated their profiles on France with warnings on the country about being raped and/or robbed by the locals.[3]
The sights that can be seen in France are numerous, things like overly pretentious people abound, and most people in fact choose France as a destination so as to absorb the great art of. Usually this will eventually descend into a croissant eating contest and a coffee overdose. Notable French landmarks include the Eiffel Tower and the Alps along with the wonderful "autoroute stops"; where a man may retire in their sheer wonderfulness.
One of the most major factors to take into account is time, time works differently in France one may find that going to buy a banana takes half the day whilst geography changes by the minute, you may find yourself a mountain vista only for it to change abruptly by a hideous North African blotting you view; or that be subsequently replaced altogether with a beach and lovely topless women, don't forget that hideous North African in your view.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Indeed promiscuity amongst the French middle class rivals bonobos, especially the females in heat.
- ↑ France is a country whose government can do little without the "common mans" say, unless it involves overseas embezzlement or nuclear testing on pacific island colonies infested with "coloured types".
- ↑ The issue was raised at the French Parliament only to be diverted to Brussels over yet another union row, and the issue is still unresolved.