User:Scofield/Lost (TV series)
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Summary[edit | edit source]
Lost is a science fiction supernatural mystery fantasy adventure time travel medical drama zombie thriller romantic comedy television series. It is named after both the basic premise of the survivors of Flight 815 marooned on a deserted island, and how the viewer generally feels after watching an episode.
The show itself focuses on a group of South American soccer players whose plane crashes on an island after being hijacked by snakes who are later revealed to be trained by Al Qaeda. These survivors were later forced to eat each other to survive. This concept was originally criticized for being "uninventive" and for "cramming too many previously done ideas into one". However critics claimed to enjoy the rest of the series as they followed the Losties' meandering adventures, which included running from polar bears on a tropical island, running from a smoke monster on a tropical island, running from "the Others" on a tropical island, running from mercenaries on a tropical island, and running from each other on a tropical island.
Some of the castaways were eventually rescued, but later became marooned again on the SAME FUCKING ISLAND while on a three-hour cruise aboard the SS Minnow. Those left behind ended up in 1977. Don't ask.
Latest Episode Recap[edit | edit source]
17. "To Be Concluded...?"[edit | edit source]
Part 1[edit | edit source]
Finally, after many painful episodes of confusion, delirium and unexplainable acts that shouldn't be allowed on TV. The 108 hour long series finale of Lost is finally upon us. It's the series finale that make any series finale you have watched look like utter horse shit, it's the series finale entire world (including Oscar Wilde) has been waiting for, and the answers to the lifelong questions of "Why doesn't this make sense?", "WTF is the DHARMA Dhesktop Initiative?" and "Why has this been on for 6 seasons?" will finally be revealed. The whole world (including the Island) is tuned in on their TV's to ABC in anticipation of the final episode and proper fan service which will start... right about... NOW!!!
The suspense and excitement is bat fuck insane as the first shot of the series finale shows up on their TV screens. A plane... WTF, why they showing us the plane when they already showed it before! And now there's a crate? What's in it, Locke's quintuplet corpses? And now we see Jack in his office, splashing his face with water. We see Ben Franklin and Locke in two different places at once, proving that the Lost characters are clones of each other. The excitement is tense, people's hearts are literally exploding from the excitement of it all. The package finally arrives and Desmond pretends to be Dr. Shephard and manages to convince the delivery man to give him the package, Desmond insists that something will happen at the Ekonomikz concert referenced in the last episode and Desmond then drives Kate somewhere and in the process, crashes his car again which proves that Desmond is a very shitty driver.
The scene then cuts back to the island where having become the new Jacob, Jack takes a pee in the stream as he was desperate after drinking that water Jacob gave him and because the writers are trying to tie up the plot strand started in "Laxatives". Suspenseful! Jack and the rest of the Losties are planning a trip to the nightlight which helps the world sleep at night because it's afraid of the smoke monster. Sawyer goes to get Desmond for his contractual obligations to appear in the finale while Jack and the others head on the exciting action packed journey to the nightlight in order to protect it from going off. Because the island has not yet learned that there are no such things as monsters, well except the smoke monster but the Cloverfield monster is a myth right?
We then cut to the shot of a hotel in the flash-upsidedown universe where Hurley and his pimping SUV arrive with Sayeed; Hurley is packing with guns and he gives Sayeed one as he plans to hit up every room in the hotel. He then goes alone to the hotel room and he knocks on the door, only to discover that it's... Charlie!!! Charlie is just like his Season 1 self, a drug addict and very mopey person and a very large childish brat. Hurley tells Charlie that he has two tickets to the Ekonomikz concert but he refuses to go to the concert because he is tired from playing Suspect Zero from FlashForward, but the main reason is that Charlie does not wanna go, he doesn't, HE DOESN'T!, HE DOESN'T!!!. Hurley has no other choice so he drugs him by force and takes him to the Ekonomikz concert in his SUV, promising that they will get Ice Cream along the way if he is a good boy for the rest of the trip.
Meanwhile the scene cuts back to the island where Jack explains that he had to take somebody, I don't really know who but it must be something really important. We then cut to con-man Sawyer where he guesses Unlocke's game, Unlocke congratulates him then rewards him by allowing him to hit Ben Franklin in the face. Sawyer then leaves while Unlocke continues on his exciting mission. We then cut to a scene where we see Rose & Bernard still alive and in the present time; unfortunately, this scene serves to provide some closure to the 12 people who still care about Rose & Bernard. Then Unlocke comes with Ben Franklin and threatens Rose & Bernard with a tiny toothpick. The guilt is proven too much for Desmond even though the threat is insignificant as he goes with Unlocke on the ever exciting mission to unplug the nightlight and prove to the Island that he doesn't need it. Desmond and Unlocke are then walking through the rain, taking a wonderful stroll when it's interrupted by a weird fart-like sound coming from Ben’s direction and Unlocke asks what it is while Desmond laughs. Ben says it is nothing. Miles is then shown to be using a practical joke application on Ben Franklin's iPhone. Ben Franklin then calls Miles to tell him to stop using his practical joke application because IT'S NOT FUNNY! and Richard the Sexy Immortal Udder is proven to be alive and well, proving that the immortal can't be killed, even in Lost.
Suddenly, in the flash-insideout universe, we see Sawyer and Miles at the Ekonomikz concert and he is oblivious to the fact that Sayeed is not in prison where he belongs as he is a bad man. We then cut to Sun where she is recovering from her gunshot wound. EXCITING AS USUAL!!! There is an exciting conversation about the baby and then we see Juliet which proves that she did not die in the bottom of the hatch. We then see her showing the baby which is supposed to the moving but instead bores the people to the point where they want to tune out. Fearing this, they make Sun see flashes of the past six seasons and she gets proud for some reason. Just another way of providing the fans with some sort of service, which is Sun coming back to life after dying and suddenly speaking English. Then there is something about the baby and the name and the sex and the... Oh look it's Sawyer in a cowboy hat and boots!
Cut to Sawyer running in the jungle which is sure to make women freak out. There is then some walking, which is very suspenseful exciting walking. In the flash-insideout universe, Jack is about to start on John's surgery making him walk and therefore making this Locke one step closer to the awesome knife-wielding Locke. Then we go back to Miles and Richard the Sexy Immortal Udder who is taking the cruise liner to who knows where then; here comes the shocker, Richard is now not immortal anymore and he is stripped of his title of "Sexy Immortal Udder" by Ben Franklin. They are then rowing when suddenly they see someone in the water, which is not surprisingly Frank Lapidus who has managed to stay afloat with the help of his chest hair. Shocking!!! Richard and Miles pulls up Frank on his cruise liner and while enjoying themselves in the spa, Frank tells him his plan of stopping Unlocke, destroying the plane, which was what they were already doing.
Unlocke then meets with the castaways and Kate tries to kill him but Unlocke is obviously a Terminator so he can't be harmed by anything, including sticks. Kate, realizing the futileness of this, stops shooting and throws the gun directly at MiB's head, confusing him and doing nothing, he then says "What did you do that for?" in a moaning voice. Then there is a confrontation between Unlocke and Jack where they both go at each other like Tom Cruise and that other guy in Top Gun. Jack says he's going to kill him, but he doesn't know how... There is heavy breathing and things start getting real homosexual (not in that way) and they make out intensely, Kate and Sawyer looking on confused. Then we go to the flash-idon'tknow universe where Jack meets Juliet for the first time, and not Kate, which is surprising... Jack is planning a trip to the Ekonomikz concert where apparently something magical is going to happen. Then Sawyer comes in looking cool and cocky and wearing a cowboy hat. Jack and Juliet tell him to fuck off in perfect English, which he does.
Back on the Island, Sawyer keeps pestering Jack for how the finale will go down and he replies "Wait until the end, silly." Then Jack, Desmond and Unlocke heads into the bamboo bushes for who knows where, it's all part of the excitement!!! They're walking and it's very tense, anything could happen at any moment! And then we reach it, the nightlight. Apparently the plug to turn off the nightlight is in the cave itself so Desmond volunteers to turn off the light to help save the Island's power bills. There is some tensity between Jack and Desmond about the flash-sidebackwards universe and Desmond finally acknowledges its existence... The universe where the plane crash didn't happen, that's something new... The crew then heads into the cave and and they reach a waterfall, all three of them get into their Indiana Jones costumes for the journey below and the iconic Indiana Jones theme song begins to play.
Cut to a shot of a bar where Hurley and Sayeed are there to get their drinks on. They begin to discuss the rules of the club because it is a gentleman's bar and if they don't follow the rules, they can't get their drink on and things start to get gay from here. Then a bar fight happens between a two gentlemen and after Sayeed breaks it up, he discovers it's Shannon who was almost raped, which causes Sayeed to have the same flashes as Sun. One of the gentleman then comes to the SUV and he apologizes for what happened between them, oh and his name is Boone. Surprising!!! Boone then complains that he should get more airtime but Hurley, not wanting to deal with another Jack, tells Boone to get out, which he does, literally... Miles, Frank and Richard arrive at the other island and it's revealed that they're going to fly the plane off the island instead of blowing it up, and apparently this will stop Unlocke from leaving the island.
They then encounter Claire who is still crazy and still has the bad jungle hair, taking a cue from The French Woman in Season 3, she decides to stay on the island as there is nothing on the real world for her. The crew, in their Indiana Jones outfits, descends Desmond into the light, all the while Jack and Unlocke holding the rope. The Indiana Jones music plays even louder and there is a discussion of whether this resembles a scene from Season 1, then Jack disrespects Unlocke and Unlocke does not take that very likely and places a bet with Jack, the winner getting a tub of Dhesktop Ranch, the loser being killed as it is the Lost tradition of course. Jack and Unlocke look into the light, hoping for something exciting and suspenseful to happen, but before that can happen the show cuts to a commercial break for Jacob's Cream Cookies.
In the flash-outsidein universe. We're finally at the Ekonomikz concert where everybody is all here. Ekonomikz is unconscious and sleeping when suddenly that hot red chick wakes her up and tells her what to do because he found a message on him saying that "I'm Ekonomicz and I have taken some mind-blowing weed so I need some help.". He then prepares to go out and preform his Ekonomikz concert which every promises will be CRAZY!!! Then the Ekonomikz concert starts and Damon Lindlof and Carlton Cuse appear on stage where they read some of the final transmissions fans sent to them about how they wasted 6 years of their life (accompanied by a big Verizon logo; because the finale is going to be big; big bucks that is!) and then introduces Ekonomikz to the stage. Ekonomikz then says "Hey world, Y'all ready to go crazy!" and the crowd goes crazy. Ekonomikz then performs his rap and something crazy happens in which Claire and Kate both get up to go to the bathroom. CRAAZY!!!
Back on the Island. Desmond arrives at the bottom and finds the fountain of youth, which instantly mesmerizes Desmond. He then steps in it and he feels himself becoming younger by the second while Jack and Unlocke watch. He then goes bat fuck insane lifts up a bolder and some of the other stuff in the room. He then unplugs the nightlight and even though the Island is told that there are NO monsters, it gets into a tempertantrum and begins to destroy itself. I guess this is the end but it turns out it's not... Meanwhile Jack and Unlocke begin to fight and Unlocke hits Jack in the face with a paper mache rock, YES A LIGHT PAPER MACHE ROCK!!! and he is declared the victor of the fight.
Part 2 & The Extra Bloated Half Hour[edit | edit source]
Back in the flash-upsidedownwhichway universe. Claire sneaks backstage, strips off and waits for Ekonomikz but before she can meat him, she begins to give birth and their meeting is cut short with Claire visibly disappointed. Desmond and that old lady from Season 3 or 5 or whichever season she appeared are having a conversation about what happens next and Desmond says "Just wait until the fucking end". Kate is trying to talk Claire into delivering her baby when suddenly Charlie shows up to help Claire give childbirth. Claire pushes very hard to get the baby out and in the process, craps herself. Kate then sees a flash which reminds us of the tense camp sex she had with Jack.. or Sawyer... and Erin of this universe is birthed. There is then an exciting moment complete with a random explosion that appears out of nowhere!!! Charlie and Claire then have tense sideways sex in public.
Back in the real universe place, the Island is still having its tempertantrum and Ben Franklin gets trapped within a paper mache tree. Exciting!!! Jack wakes up from unconsciousness and goes back into the cave to save Desmond but he has vanished. Kate, Hurley and Sawyer try to save Ben Franklin but luckily paper mache is the lightest thing on Earth so they're able to lift it up and save him. Miles whips out his iPhone and calls Ben to tell him that the Plane that will end the series finale will be ready for boarding in a few hours. With the state that the Losties are in, there is no way they can make it in time to prevent the series from having another season. Then there is this awesome fight between Jack and Unlocke that takes place on a cliff, with Jack jumping up in the sky like Superman and taking the first punch like The Incredible Hulk... And they say this show does not rip off from other shows.
The fight is exhilarating and tense, there is no telling whether Jack will kill Unlocke or have hot sex with each other. Then there is a tiny knife that suddenly appears out of nowhere. Unlocke then takes the tiny knife like Locke in Season 1 and tries to kill Jack but Kate suddenly appears out of nowhere to shoot the indestructible Unlocke (thus proving Uncyclopedia's theory that people appear out of nowhere to save the main character from being killed) and Jack takes a pee on Unlocke which causes him to short circuit and explode, wasting an entire season of suspense. The scene then cuts to the flash-sidedownwards universe and Locke begins to awake from his surgery and Jack and Locke get into something very intimate and Locke begins to walk again like he did in Season 1. Then there's a flash and like a drug addict, asks if he saw it and if he remembered, then Locke; under the impression of drugs gives a very shocking revelation, Jack created the entire universe in his head. Jack then denies it because he still has the ego from the other universe and walks away.
Back in this universe, the crew sees the cruise liner in the distance which is the same one from Season 2, after it seems that it's over, it's quickly proven that it's not. The Island is still having its tempertantrum. In the flash-tridiagonal universe, Sawyer is asking Sun about who shot her and Sun, not wanting to inconvenience herself, calls the doctor to tell Sawyer to fuck off, which he does. Back on the island, Frank is trying to set up the plane but he is proving that he is a very shitty pilot. Not wanting to admit that he's a shit pilot, he calls up Xzibit from Pimp My Ride to fix his plane but since he is unavailable, he is forced to use the next big thing, the Mexican host from the Mexican version of Pimp My Ride. The island is still having its tempertantrum and there is much tension about whether there will be another season. Jack, wanting to do Season 7 to further inflate his ego, decides to go with Hurley & Ben Franklin on a mission to try to calm the island down from its tempertantrum. Jack and Kate finally have even more tense island sex and Jack admits that he only loved Kate for her looks and big boobs.
Meanwhile the Mexican host of the Mexican version of Pimp My Ride is still fixing up Frank's problems and is using rather cheap things to fix it such as duck tape and pieces of wood. This presents a new mystery for the rest of the episode, will the plane take off with all of its flimsy materials. Frank plans to take off right now in order to prevent himself from appearing in Season 7 and Miles to whip out his iPhone and text Sawyer to tell him to get his ass up to the plane pronto or else he will be a part of Season 7. Back in the flash-upsideinwards universe, Sawyer is looking for some food as he is still the same scavenger from Season 1 but his bar gets stuck (but not in that way). Not wanting to waste a few dollars, he sticks his hand in the vending machine but his arm gets stuck. Juliet then appears and Sawyer asks for her help. Juliet then agrees to help and she get a chainsaw to cut off his arm, telling Sawyer that his arms will grow back. He then grabs her bar and he experiences the same freaky flashes as the rest of the people this season and Sawyer and Juliet finally have tense alternate universe sex.
Elsewhere, The Ekonomikz concert is over and a lot of people are disappointed over the outcome, nothing special or crazy happened. Jack and Kate meet and they talk about the mysterious pen and then realizes that it was Boone who stole all the pens in "Monster Eats the Pilot". Giving into temptation, Jack and Kate also have sex and Jack has those drug-related flashes they all talk about. Meanwhile back in the real world. Hurley is carrying Jack using his weight and the Island is still angry. They arrive at the cave where they debate who will be the one to go down there and become well talked about; Jack, because he already has a massive ego from being the star of like every season, decides to go down there to do it but Hurley, angry that he didn't get as much attention of Jack during the entire series, decides to knock him out and go down the cave to calm down the island. In an additional act of revenge, Hurley makes Jack pee himself; he then drinks the pee and he becomes the new Jacob. Suspenseful!!!
Back on the other island, Frank reads the manual on how to fly it, proving that he is a shit pilot and Hurley is going down the cave on the mission of fame and success. The island then pouts and while Hurley loses his grip, luckily Desmond breaks Hurley’s fall. Jack then goes down there to find Desmond who's other half of the face has been deformed. Jack tells Desmond that he is going to relight the nightlight but Desmond tells Jack that that is why the writers brought him back to the island this season so that he could do it, NOT Jack. However Jack wants all the fame and glory because that’s the kind of guy he is, an egotistical maniacal guy. With this he knocks Desmond and Hurley and says "See you on another show, brotha!", then he places them out of fame's way. Desmond; in his unconscious state, mumbles something about "I was supposed to say that brotha!". On the runway, the plane is finally taking off thanks to those Cheap Mexicans and those who aren't on it are sure to be featured in Season 7. Sawyer; having sailed the cruise ship, gets the message and searches his iPhone for an app with a map of the island and the location of the plane while Kate tries to talk a depressed Claire around to going with them. All three of them make it to the plane and they run as fast as hell as they can to the plane, with the camera mimicking their every moves.
Meanwhile Frank decides he had enough of waiting and and decides to take off but the crew arrives just in time (surprised?) and they decide to get them off the series. Back in the cave, Jack is trying to calm the island down from its tempertantrum, he tries to be like Dr. Phil but the Island, like a young child is very stubborn and will not listen. Jack then decides to take the easy way out, by hitting a giant stone carrot down a hole. Yes... a giant stone carrot down a hole. Back on the plane, the whole crew is preparing to leave the island. Frank then asks Miles to read the manual pretending that he left his reading glasses back in Season 5 not wanting to admit to being a shit pilot. The suspense is immersible, the plane is taking off and he needs some words of encouragement so he calls Leslie Nielsen to give him encouragement but since he is too expensive, he forces Miles say the same words he did in "Airplane!", or be forced to appear on Season 7. Miles says the magic words and with that, the plane takes off and everybody is happy that they don't have to be in another season.
Back in the cave, Jack has plugged in the nightlight, calmed down the island and gained the fame and recognition of everybody in the world, this causes his ego to grow at massive proportions and he enters terminal ego failure. At the top of the hole Hurley reveals to Ben Franklin that the real reason he is so fat is because he is actually a human Stretch Armstrong and extending his flab... I mean arms down the hole he reaches down and pulls out who he thinks is Jack but is actually Desmond. He tries again but pulls out Timmy O’Toole. Realizing this is not Jack he throws Timmy back in and he and Ben head outside crying believing the star of the show to be dead. Elsewhere Jack is being interviewed by various different news networks who ask him what he is going to do now he has saved the world from Unlocke. Jack tells them “I’m off to Disneyland!” and everyone cheers and several fans lift Jack up and carry him off as the nightlight shits itself and consumes Jack and the fans in a hellfire which he somehow survives even though it was previously established that it would kill him.
Back in the flash-topsyturvy universe. John Locke is getting out of a taxi, having not regained his walking ability as we expected him to do and goes to meet Ben Franklin at a church. It is revealed that this is the place where everything will happen, everything miraculous and exciting. Ben Franklin then apologizes for being jealous about Locke like a teen and Locke forgives him as Ben is his greatest admirer. EXCITING!!! John Locke then gets out of the wheelchair and he... walks??? I know right, so confusing... John Locke then enters the church with the same ambition he had in Season 1. Back on the island, the crew is just sitting around looking at the camera for promotional photos and talking about the fact that Jack is getting all of the fame, fortune and sexy ladies and how he is now stuck protecting the island. Ben Franklin just says to get over it and change this island to a 5-star holiday resort so that they can finally make the Benjamins he longed for back in Season 4. Back in the Flash-otherway universe, we see a truck then pulls up and it's Jack and Kate. Jack and Kate have a very short and pointless talk and then Kate goes inside the church, ready to lave Jack because of what he became in his flashforwards. SHOCKING!!!
Back on the island. We see Jack, back on the island apparently looking for some more airtime but struggling with his rapidly deflating ego. We then cut back to the same universe we were at before and we see Jack entering the crazy church. Everything is silent, it's so suspenseful. Jack then goes up to the casket and he just paces there wasting some time for more appearances. We then see Jack having another flash when he touches the casket which apparently makes Jack remember all of the time he has spent on the show. Jack then opens the casket and J.J. Abrams jumps out scaring the shit out of him. J.J. Abrams and Jack then converse about what's going on here, with J.J. Abrams saying "Look, your show has been over for a while, it's time to let go." but Jack, still in denial says "But what about here, everything happened right?" and J.J. Abrams then says "Jack, this universe is in your head, you made it up because you couldn't take the fact that the show was over." confirming what Locke had said earlier in the episode. Jack then begins to cry like a teen and J.J., sensing his tears, then says "Look, I know what will cheer you up!" and he leads him to a room in which every one of his former cast members are there and they meet and talk about their new post-Lost projects. Jack then comes face to face with his father Christian Shepard once more who wishes Jack the best for the next TV show or film he appears in. This is coupled with scenes of Jack because he just cannot get enough airtime.
Jack then makes his way to a field of sharp sticks and then suddenly, he collapses. All while alternate Jack is happy as a boy with a lollipop. Vincent then gets on Jack the anal penetration way and everybody wishes everyone else well with their next projects and fireworks are set off in the darkness of night as everyone makes out on the beach one last time in a giant orgy. The same plane from "Monster Eats the Pilot" then passes over (creating a paradox ironically) and Jack, during his final act of humiliation, kills himself to avoid the tabloids making fun of him. While this is happening, the camera pulls out and reveals that we've been watching a television show all along, everybody has been watching Lost, including us.
The shot then cuts to that of actor Matthew Fox sitting in a grotty apartment in downtown LA watching the entire series on Blu-Ray during what can be described as a massive ego power trip. With a tear in his eye he lights another smoke then somebody rings the door bell. It is revealed to be no other then Terry O'Quinn who is there delivering a pizza for him. Matthew Fox then forces him to watch every episode of "Party of Five" with Matthew because he cannot get enough of himself. What about the answers to the rest of the mysteries? Tough luck! the series is now OVER!!! OR IS IT??? A mystery that will never be solved as long as creators are presumed living.
Meanwhile, during the credits. A scene plays where Damon Lindoff and Carlton Cuse sitting around, reading letters by fans about the final scene which answered very few of their questions. when suddenly a sobbing fan comes out and asks "what is the island?", "Why did you make this show?" and the crew say "Great Questions?" and they press a button where they send the fan into the pit, to be killed by Smokie. Damon Lindoff and Carlton Cuse then high-five each other and toast themselves for confusing and making so many people cry after 6 fucking years.
Characters[edit | edit source]
- For the full list of characters, which was so big we couldn't shove it in anywhere, see Lost (TV series)/characters
- Loveable yet evil Vincent the dog is the main character (and i use the word "character" quite incorrectly), who is slowly, surely but thankfully killing off the rest of the cast but not quick enough. It is yet to be revealed how he does this, possibly with a gun - he's American after all. The series creators have, though, dropped clues that it has something to do with ranch dressing and bullets.
- He is accompanied by roly-poly fat-man Hurley who is looking to spend his fortune made from shooting adult films.
- Also on the island is Charlie Hobbiton, who is searching for the one hatch of POWER.
- Serious Jack "5 second" Sheppard is a man who was trying to get away from his wife Jill, mostly due to her incurable desires to climb hills and fetch water. He spends his time telling people that they will leave the island even though he is the reason why they end up dead.
- Sex symbol and highly adored Kate is a (by the numbers) psychopathic serial killer, with an inexplicable lust for toy airplanes and 16 inch battery operated rubber phalluses. She is also at the center of the island's infamous love tetrahedron™, which includes most of the cast and crew, including Sawyer, Jack, Ernie, Bert, Claire, Sun, Sayid, Wilson and Vincent.
- James "Sawyer-Hillbilly-Captain-Emo-Bitch-Magnus-Hair-like-a-model-that-guy-my-wife-has-wet-dreams-about" Ford. Or was it Chevrolet? Not sure. Anyway. He is a banjo playing hillbilly who the others are scared of due to his ability to make people "squeal like a pig".
- John "Crazy Legs" Locke is an irrelevant character who is dead in the future, but is alive in the present, is dead long in the past, and will probably be alive again in the future. But the present is five years ago, and the future is two years ago, and when he is alive again it will be the present. Lost? Of course you are.
- Walt is a small black kid who occasionally has a fit and kills anyone who doesn't believe him when he says 'I'm Tiger Woods!, I'm Tiger Woods!'
- Micheal is Walt's annoying, overprotective Dad. His character died and was reincarnated as a convict in HBO's OZ. Spends most of his time shooting his friends, helping the bad guys, trying to kill himself, blowing up ships and constantly screaming, "WAAAALT!!!"
- Benjamin Linus is the six year old, thumb sucking, blanket carrying villain of the series. Linus became an angry bitter child after being continually emasculated by his older sister Lucy, not to mention playing on a shite baseball team that never won a single goddamned game. Linus spends most of his time on the show screwing over everyone he comes into contact with, thus the reason for the various beat-downs he gets. I mean, even the trees hate this cocksucker. In the end he achieves redemption when he recites the Nativity in the Llama Community Theatre, and discovers a way to make trees grow by wrapping blankets around them.
- Richard is the immensely sexy immortal man-lady with all the eyeliner.
- Juliet= MILF
- Claire: The hot blonde chick from Australia who you'd nail without a second thought. Then she went kinda batshit crazy and got a bit scary... but you'd still really give some thought to trying to bang her because, damn, she's still pretty hot.
Mysterious Island[edit | edit source]
The unknown attracts dim-witted viewers like a humming wall attracts keys. Several viewers have speculated on occasion, though never to excess. A prevailing theory in the community suggests that the entire show does not in fact exist; it's just a mass hallucination brought on by ABC broadcasting a blank screen for an hour every Wednesday, Thursday, Tuesday. Although we all know that's not true, we are not that lucky.
A tale of a fateful trip[edit | edit source]
The Udder have been on the island for twenty-two years. They are members of an aborted research project, The Dhesktop Initiative, which was funded by the companies that grow those plants you see in windowless offices. You ever wonder how on earth those plants survive? Right. The island was supposed to be home to research stations for plants that can grow in total darkness, or under very cheap fluorescent lighting. Unfortunately, one day Jerry forgot to close the blinds as the sun came up, and all hell broke loose as the plants grew out of control. The island was transformed into a lush tropic paradise, and funding for the project was abandoned. The Udders are still trapped on the island with all their research equipment from 1982, and when not sodomizing the Lost cast they kill time trying to fix their laserdisc player so they can watch Saturday Night Fever.
The Magic Numbers[edit | edit source]
The solution to the island involves the numbers. Magic numbers, in fact. The famous Magic Numbers, chubby rock band. In fact, they attempted to stay sane on the island in a similar manner to (that shit head) Tom Hanks in Castaway (vís-a-vís befriending a volleyball called Wilson). However, their friends were much more edible, and their rapidly increasing phat factor meant that they just could not chop their own firewood. Therefore, they shot down a passing plane, bringing a group of lean and athletic people to the island. And so their firewood was chopped, in pairs of 0, 1337, π, 499000, ⅜, and of course, Q.
The Love Tetrahedron[edit | edit source]
The romance in Lost is drawn painfully from the inexplicably complex LOVE TETRAHEDRON, which contains perhaps all of the cast but four - Bono and Shannon; whose necrophiliac needs have been sustained now that they are dead most of the time; the wild boar, because it's underage; and the monster, because it kills everything it loves, ending any relationship before it starts.
The tetrahedron can never be fully explained to anyone due to its incredible complexity, but a rough guide to it is shown below. Romantic links are represented by the red lines between the names.
The Snowglobenet[edit | edit source]
Functioning mainly as the island's networking service, the Snowglobenet as whole (AKA "Websites Tracking Facility") is operated by a large number of nets (SGNs) which are scattered over the island and being maintained by Snowglobe Dolls (SGD). Featuring attractive Snowglobenet-specific websites such as Glooble, Udderclopedia and MSN, the Snowglobenet became majorly a target of vandalism. Recently there have been cases of SGDs thievery, blunt abuse of SGNs, and complete destruction of Snowglobenet servers. Raging WTF addicts are constantly losing control, some of them went as far as kidnapping the vandals, an act not once ended up in casualties.
Mysterious Places[edit | edit source]
The Lost Island is home to many mysterious places which if you were a tourist, you would want to crash your plane into the island just to take some pictures for your crappy little photo album. Many well known places include the Monty Python foot which was once a big fucking tall statue built by Jacob, the waterfall where the Losties like to spend their spring breaks. Wysteria Village which is where the Udders live out their lives as part of a TV show called "Desperate Udders", Beautiful, serene trees which cover about 90% of the island and finally... A rock... which Jack and Kate had hot island sex on.
Other Mysterious Mysteries Solved[edit | edit source]
- The Island is in fact located just off the coast of Euthanasia, where polar bears, jungles, and monsters are common.
- The Black Rock is actually Captain Hook's ship. They accidentally took the turning at the second star on the left and ended up on the island.
- The bearded hobo on the island doesn't really have a beard. When this was revealed, thousands of viewers died of heart attacks.
- The mystery of how an Iraqi soldier serving under Saddam Hussein could have possibly acquired torturing skills was solved when it was revealed that he once dated a Goa Tsege, who taught him everything he knows.
- The timer is actually counting down to "PARTY TIME!!" The theory being that if you are able to correctly enter the numbers in time, you're not wasted enough for the party to start properly. When it runs out a giant disco ball comes on along with an array of strobe and laser lights. It turns out that the Dhesktop people were actually extras who had escaped from the "Saturday Night Fever" set to find a place of eternal dancing.
- The mysterious Jacob is actually Frogurt, who went back in time and fathered himself.
- Annie, Ben's childhood friend, is the father of Svetlana the cow, and is currently in disguise as a man named Barack Obama who is suspected to be hiding in Washington, DC as of press time.
Season 7[edit | edit source]
The show's upcoming seventh season promises to be a shocker. All of the characters that were dead throughout the show will be resurrected as Zombies and the island will be made into a 5-star resort. There will also be a new Smokie, a whole new bunch of Island mysteries (involving Ghosts) and loads of new characters, who's lives before they came to spend their vacations on the Island will be revealed. Episodes will deal with Hurley trying to get special treatment because he's the owner of the hotel; Desmond trying to hook himself a fine lady at the Island's bar; Smokie and Zombie Jack trying to fit in with the vacationers; and a very special episode with a very special appearance by the Harlem Globetrotters.
The Final Truth[edit | edit source]
In the Lost movie, picking up where the series left off, the truth revealed in the final episode is shattered. Ed Gein is revealed to actually be the Dhesktop Shark, a shark with a Dhesktop symbol on its tail, who had disguised himself as Gein. The shark is revealed to be related to many of the island's secrets. He ate the body of Jack's dad out of the coffin, he dropped the food over the island, and he built the hatch in order to test out the button-pushing skills of the islanders. In an epic battle, Desmond mounts onto the smoke monster, who had become a good character in season 72, and they fly into the clouds to battle the shark. The shark eats Desmond and the black smoke, however, and while the Survivor Squad is distracted by the battle, they forget to push the button in the hatch, which results in Party Time, and ultimately the complete incineration of the island due to the continual playing of Insomnia by Faithless.
Discounted Theories about Lost[edit | edit source]
These theories have all been discounted, and are now 2 for 1.
- Lost is actually an intellectually stimulating show.
- The Theorists then came up with a better 'dead' theory, that they were all dead and in Purgatory. The creators insist they would still be dead and that that would make the show very boring. As such, that idea will be implemented next season.
- The plane was the plane from "Snakes on a Plane". (Disproved due to lack of Samuel L. Jackson, not lack of snakes)
- Locke is the original Sawyer, is Kate's real real father, was also her husband for a while, is Him, and was only pretending to need a wheelchair.
- The "writers" planned at least 0.1% of the story before they started typing. Later comments by David Fury proved that they hadn't even started to think about the story until half the show had been broadcast.
- The "creators" have a "planned" "storyline".
- Bernard is actually the future version of Jack.
- Jack is on an intense drug trip.
- Jack is in a coma and Kate is his nurse.
- Locke's coffin will be used as a boat for the Oceanic Six to get back to the island.
- They are all visiting Hurley at his mental institution.
- The island is the island from the film/book/whatever "The Swiss Family Robinson".
- The island is the island from the film "Cast Away".
- The island is actually on of the Canary Islands.
- Caleb Nichol is "The Hood" from Thunderbirds.
- Jacob = Guybrush Threepwood
- The island is actually a peninsula.
- The show is a more interesting version of "Celebrity Love Island".
- Jack & Sawyer are brother and brother while Jack and Locke are husband and wife.
- Juliet IS dead. The actress that plays her however is very much alive!
- Jack is a younger Locke and Locke is Jacob who is Sun and Jin's son from the future.
- Locke sent the other version of himself back in time to stop Jack from ever being conceived (Terminator style) that way he would never have to leave the island to bring him back.
- The series will never end.
- Jacob is in fact a salesman for "Jacob's Cream Crackers".
- Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse don't exist and we have all dreamt the show.
- The final shot of the show is of the plane landing in LA followed by a "cut" to Damon & Carlton's office where they hold up a massive banner which reads "BLUFF" then the series ends
- The entire show is an excuse to bring back the entire cast for one hell of a party when the final shot raps.
- They are all on a mission to Mars and are in an alternate reality mind stimulation to keep their brains from atrophying.
Stuff you may not have noticed[edit | edit source]
- Hurley has the strange ability to survive on nothing but ranch dressing, but also spend month after month running around a tropical island without losing a single pound.
- Widmore lives on a yellow submarine. (Yellow submarine, yellow submarine.)
- Ironically, prior to citbacks, the island was Quantas' international hub.
- To the dismay of the other cast members, as the series went on, the episodes came to revolve more and more around evil genius Benjamin Linus, the boy Walt, and a wisecracking robot.
- In the pilot, Oceanic made Hurley pay for two seats.
- The Surgeon General has determined that the island's Smoke Monster causes lung cancer.
- The font used in the opening credits is called Obscure Bullshit Sans Serif.
- Nikki and Paulo are dead. Idiots.
- Sawyer's real name is an anagram of HillBilly Douche.
- In the pilot episode, if you look very closely about 8 minutes 15 seconds in, you can find Waldo among the wreckage.
- Shannon's breasts have a tag on them claiming '$350, Plastic Surgery Express'
- Claire's mother is Australian, but is so pretentious that she talks in an American's idea of what an Australian accent sounds like.
- In scene 4 of episode 16, Kate's breasts mysteriously change sizes throughout the scene.
- If a French woman is separated from native French speakers and she doesn't see another human being for 16 years, she will begin to speak exclusively in English.
- When Shannon was murdered, she died.
- The whole series is filmed backwards, meaning that Season 6 is actually Season 1 and vice versa.
- Ben was watching you the whole time.
- LOST is an anagram of TSOL, which is short for "the spice of life". Is that freaky or what?
- In Episode 3 of Season 2, you can clearly see that Sayid has developed a pot belly while starving on a deserted island belly.
- Jin's Korean is terrible
- Jack spelled backwards is Kcaj, which is an anagram for Jack
- The grenade was not set to a lethal level.
- Hurley is played by the 'little man from another place' from the red room in Twin Peaks.
- John Locke has bigger tits than Kate.
- Alan from "The Hangover" is Jack's half-brother.
- WAAAAALT!!
- Sayid is homophobic.
The Lost Experience[edit | edit source]
An ARG (pronounced AAAAAAAUUUURRRRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!) and live action role-playing game, it was introduced to the public in 2004, but no one really noticed until the present day. While members of Lost's cult frantically search for clues in miles and miles of source code and Who references, the real players are creating fake websites to vent their rage on the rest of the world. A popular advert (paid for by Sprite) depicts great warriors donning their armor, raising their swords for battle and forum-posting, all while drinking a Sprite with their other hand. Sprite endorses the advertising campaign, and makes it clear that they are supportive of the show and its massive entourage of thirsty fans. The Lost Experience (paid for by Sprite) has taken over massive sections of newspapers, sometimes buying out the entire newspaper (so long Oregonian), commercial spots on ABC, and most heinous of all: Amazon.com. You can no longer order anything from Amazon, as they'll only deliver a Sprite and a genuine copy of the number 42. The experience serves as something similar to a thirst quencher for Lost fans in between seasons. Drink Sprite.
List of Episodes & Recaps[edit | edit source]
Season 1: The Phantom Monster[edit | edit source]
- Monster Eats The Pilot
- Credo Quia Absurdum Est
- Roundabout
- Wascally Wabbit
- House of the Rising Bun
- The Butterfly
- Incompetent Man
- Solitaire
- Raised by an Udder
- All the Best Cowboys Have Dirty Tissues
- Whatever the STD
- Hard-out Mindfuck
- Walt is a "Special" Boy
- ETHAN!!!!!
- Inlaws
- Huh?
- Letters
- Butt Sex Macarena
- Why You Shouldn't Kill
- Why You Should Kill
- Dancing in the Dark
- Exorcist
Season 2: Attack of the Tailies[edit | edit source]
- Man at Seance, Man who Fakes
- A Douche
- Inflamation
- Everybody Hates "Everybody Loves Raymond" Puns
- Crap Bin
- Abadoned
- The Udder 48 Gays
- Circumcision
- Who Kate Did
- The 23rd Palm Tree
- The Hunting Part-ae
- Steam
- The Looooooooooooooong Con (aka Guns are Bad)
- Us and Them
- My Turn to Leave
- The Hole's Truth
- Locke Down!
- Hello, Dave!
- S.O.B.
- 19½. Reckoning
- Two Corpses To Go (aka GUESS WHO'S DEAD)
- ¿
- Fwee Minutes
- Live to Get Her, Die at Home
Season 3: Revenge of the Udders[edit | edit source]
- A Tale of Two Titties
- The Grass Roller
- Further Obstruction
- Every Conman For Himself
- The Cast Is Leaving
- I Don't
- Not Important
- Flashes Bore Your Eyes
- Strange Hair On A Strange Man
- The Reporter From Family Guy Is Dust
- Finishing 7th
- Par 81
- The Man Who Tapped A Horsey
- XXX-posed
- Saggy Behind
- Just the Two of Us
- Snatch-23
- L.O.L.
- The Breg'
- The Wizard of Oz
- Greatest Spits
- Through the Windshield Made of Glass
Season 4: A New Boat[edit | edit source]
- The Beginning of the Fourth Season
- Unconfirmed Life
- The Ekonomikz
- Egghead
- The Contest
- The Udder's Bitch
- Jet Li
- Michael Strikes Back
- The Shape of Dirty Things
- Some Nice Buttered Scones
- Saturday Night Fever
- ¡Eso es todo! ¡Estamos matando a la isla!
Season 5: The Doctor Crashes Back[edit | edit source]
- Because You're Right
- The Lay
- Archie
- The Little Ponce
- This Place is Dumb
- 619
- Locke And Abbadon's Excellent Adventure
- LaGrille? What The Hell Is That?
- Nestle'
- She's A He
- Whatever's a Hippo, Happened
- Dad Is Dead
- Some Like It Hoth... No, Really!
- The Vegetable
- Borrow The Leader
- The Indecent
Season 6: The Death, Reincarnation, Return, and Redeath of the Jacob[edit | edit source]
- Laxatives
- Who Kate Does
- The Prostitute
- The Lighthouse Keeper's Lunch
- Scumtown!
- Dr. Bunny Killer
- Retcon
- A... An Episode With Richard Alpert
- Jin's Small Package
- Happy Never After
- Everybody Eats Hugo
- The Lost Recruits
- The Candyman
- On Stranger Tides
- The Reason that The Koreans and The Zombie Terrorist are Dead
- To Be Concluded...?
Lost Theme Tune[edit | edit source]
Weebl and Bob Creator, Jonti Picking wrote and sang the Lost theme tune.
Lost: The Drinking Game[edit | edit source]
For a while there was a drinking game associated with Lost. Every time someone on the show said something obscure, you did a shot. Every time someone asked a direct question and got some metaphysical bullshit answer, you did a shot. Every time Jack or Locke or Jacob or anyone else talked about what the island "wanted" people to do, you did a shot. Every time the answer was, "Because that's the way it works," you did a shot. Every time a character in a position to know the answers was about to explain anything and was interrupted by an attack by the Others, you did a shot.
This game was quickly banned in the United States, Canada and many other parts of the world. As the show progressed from season 1 to season 2, there were increasing reports of diehard fans drinking themselves to death. Lost viewing parties which were originally thought to be cult suicides were later determined to be victims of the Lost drinking game. Millions died worldwide.
At the time of the series finale, law enforcement officials were preparing for a renewal of massive drinking deaths. Not because of the game, but because after six years fans saw no more answers forthcoming and said, "Fuck it! I am so sick of this shit!".
Quotes[edit | edit source]
“There's no such thing as "spoilers" in Lost. Merely mentioning the word gives away the series.”
“You can't tell me what to do!”
“This thing is more confusing than fit women loving fat men.”
“Huh... I had my money on purgatory...”
“Well, at least something was fucking purgatory!”
“What the fuck is going on?”
“당신은 내게 나체를보고 싶어 할”
“Man! And people thought MY version was dumb!”
“Man! The smoke monster stole my job!”
“SHARON!!!!!”