User:Saberwolf116/Singapore (Pre-Colonization)
A poor choose for a colonization, but an even worse article.
or did you mean....
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| Motto: "Majulah Leelapura". Formerly known as "God save the Lee!" | |||||
| Anthem 1: Cow! Save General Lee by Dick Lee | |||||
| Anthem 2: Count on Lee, Singapore by Leigh Guan You & Julian Rosales | |||||
| Anthem 3: BEEP! The Great Gantry by E. R. Pee | |||||
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| Official language(s) | |||||
| Net worth | Over US$820 trillion in government reserves, largely | ||||
| Capital (and largest city) | Marina Bay | ||||
| Official Brothel | Geylang Lorong 6969 | ||||
| Second fattest city | Marina Bay IR | ||||
| Smallest city | Hotel 999 (In terms of place; local population about 999,999 mainly comprising | ||||
| Government | People's Authoritarian Party/Pay And Pay (P.A.P.)\ | ||||
| 2nd Party | National Socialist Singapore Workers Party | ||||
| Dynasty & Era | Lee Dynasty, Lee Empire. | ||||
| Emperor | Lee Kwan Yew | ||||
| Crown Prince | Lee Hsien Loong Mai Hum | ||||
| Board of directors | Philip "Mr. Invincible" Yeo, Goh "Peanuts" Chok Tong, Ong Ah pat, Wong "It's an honest mistake let's move on" Kan Seng, Eunice "Feminists Rule, bitch!" Olsen | ||||
| Establishment | 1965 :: When Lee Kuan Yew broke away from Malaysia as the Malays do not like his autocratic ideas. Some say Malaysia | ||||
| Official religions | The Lee Trinity (i.e. The Father (LKY), The Son (LHL), and The Goh (Family)), Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, Christianity, Islam, Atheism, Leeism, Gohism, City Harvest Music Church, Ho Yat Sun, Ah-Tiongism, Money, Stupidity, Kiasuism, Oblivious Euphemism, Racism, Yellowskinism. | ||||
“It's an honest mistake. Let's move on.”
“You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.”
“What the...? No chewing gum?”
“In National Socialist Republic Singapore, Lee Kuan YOU!”
“Singaporeans can suck our big kongs for all we care”
“Wait, no. Just not the Indians there.”
“The country's so small, that if each person in China urinated, the whole population of Singapore will drown.”
“Singapore... The little red dot. Erm... Where is it?”
“Ha! Der Singapur Reich? Ein Singapur,"Ein" Lees,Many ERP! ”
“Singapore... Oh i remember that place, I once met some Mas Selamat guy there when peeping into a female toilet shouting 'This is sparta!' Then he did jumping jacks on the toilet bowl and fell in.”
Singapore (Considered the ejaculate from the penis of asia), a modern city also known as the Amazingly Infallible "We're surrounded by "neighbours"!" Democratic People's National Socialist "Empire" Republic of Singapore(or Just NSEROS), is just a puny red dot in the world (yes, the dot that tells where Singapore is on the world map is actually larger than the country itself), although it looks more like a swelling ants nest from the satellite. It is the only country that creates water from urine, and even creates man-made weathers with extensive use of "chillies and onions".
Although Singapore has been largely forgotten in the annals of world history, the city-state has seen tremendous growth in terms of international recognition; since the beginning of time, a worldwide poll ranked Singapore as the 4th country "that no one would miss if it were completely obliterated next Tuesday", beating Bhutan and Vanuatu by a wide margin.
The Nation has been crowned the "Most Powerful Ant Army In The World" by the United Nations since from 1965 till present, due to the fact that the Powerful Singapore Ant Army never lost any war, as it never fought one to begin with.
Singapore was ranked 141 out of 169 in the "Worldwide Press Freedom Index 2007" by "Reporters Without Borders" and was ranked 154 out of 195 in the "2007 Freedom of the Press World Ranking" by "Freedom House". The comforting thing is that at least Singapore is not last in position. Try to keep your comments or complaints to yourself, or faced heavy imposed fines and lawsuits approved by the leading party known as the People's Authoritarian Party. Thank you, and enjoy reading the rest of the article.
The complete utter oblivion towards euphemisms. Singaporeans, thanks to Lee, have become so accustomed to euphemising their lives into oblivion that they actually believe it's the "MATURED" thing to do. No, it's not "MATURED".
History of Singapore[edit | edit source]
Chapter I (Genesis)[edit | edit source]
A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...
...two rival religious tribes, the Cissegaran and the Kiasurian, waged localized war on Southeast Milky Way, on what is now known as the Malay Way (or, informally, Universe's Penis). Engaged in a conflict over the cultivation of universal fowl, the Kiasurians had been pushed all the way back to the southernmost tip of the continent, fortifying themselves in a defensive position against the oncoming Cissegarans. Hopelessly outnumbered, the shrewd Kiasurians decided that their best plan of action was to fight a stronghold at the tip of the South. After a short but vicious battle, the Cissegarans prevailed, and they stormed the defensive outpost. However, a few Kiasurian warriors survived, and in a last desperate move, the Kiasurian warriors detonated a gigantic proportion of land which destroyed a significant portion of the Cissegaran army.
A geological side effect was felt almost at once. The southernmost tip of the galaxy, connected only by a narrow strip of space to begin with, detached from the rest of the mainland, hewing an artificial island out of the destruction, irradiated and completely devoid of any useful natural resources. The Cissegarans left, but not before pressing human rights charges against the Kiasurians in a legal battle that would last for the next millennium.
Mutated lifeforms soon began to appear on the island, although next to no vegetation ever grew back. Many of these lifeforms went extinct within a single generation, but a very significant single one remains to this day: the Merlion hybrid ,named with limited creativity for its resemblance to a lion's head super-glued into the back of a fish. Some say the first Merlion hybrid was created when a desperate outcast lion mated with a mythical mermaid in an attempt to attain an orgasm. The result of this distasteful act was the birth of the first Merlion hybrid. The Merlion hybrid needs no external food supply and simply feeds on tourists at William Sentosa, digesting them while spewing out gallons and gallons of "NEWater" a day.
Chapter II (Settlement)[edit | edit source]
The first human to set foot on the island since the Cissegaran/Kiasurian crisis was a traveling onion peeler Sang Needa Nula Nalala Utamalala, who sailed from one of the islands in Indonesia, specifically Java to look for new onion-peeling markets. Historical evidence suggests that Sang Nelala Utamalala first stepped foot on the then-unnamed Singapore circa 1644. Few primary records remain of his first visitation of Singapore. But it is believed he saw a tiger, and mistook it as a lion but in fact it was the hybrid evil Merlion. That tiger suddenly pounced on him, giving him such a shock that he exclaimed "Singapu Lah!"
Sang Needa Nula Nalala Utamalala eventually returned to Singapore when he received word from an inside trader that having fins instead of paws made onions "fraking impossible" to peel. Sang Needa Nula Nalala Utamalala thus set up a permanent store there and christened the island Temasek, which really means nothing as it was the sound that Sang Nelala Utamalala made when he sneezed. Sang Nelala Utamalala returned home one last time to bring his wife over, and they had seventy-five little Sang Nelalas by the time he passed away peacefully at the age of 126. A storm struck Temasek two weeks after his death, and his wife and progeny were left stranded with the fishmen.
Chapter III (Colonization)[edit | edit source]
In 1819, an Englishman named Sir Stampede Waffles stumbled upon Temasek, mistakenly thinking it to be New Jersey. In his drunken state, he signed a document granting the British Empire possession of Temasek, a handover that greatly annoyed all the other colonies and the Empire as a whole. Britain paid minimal attention to Temasek, even going so far as to allow casual day in Temasek when India was refused it till 1934. Unable to correctly pronounce "Temasek", Waffles motioned to rename the island "Sing A Whore". After the proposal was rejected three times by the British parliament, Waffles eventually relented and renamed the island Sing a poor.
Chapter IV (The Rising Sun Invasion)[edit | edit source]
The island colony lay virtually undisturbed until the epic events of World War II, when the evil Empire of the Rising Sun and some eggs were spawned after the Soviets attempted to rewrite history to save their commie' asses by teleporting to the past and erased Albert Einstein, leaving the Allies (especially the British) weakened. The Empire of the Rising Sun took the opportunity to grow into an evil powerful military might overnight, beginning the mass production of wasabi, obscure but terribly important mechanical parts, and sharp things. They began searching for a new location to test prototype Gundams, deciding that the hapless island of Singapore and its witless inhabitants would prove to be a most agreeable spot. In 1942, the first throw egg session against Singapore was launched, killing 16 and destroying a local tanning booth by the Le Creuset team. The Gundams and more eggs arrived on bicycles from Malaysia down the Johor Causeway. The British cried foul as they had earlier spent the remaining credits building a strong fortified fortress facing the South with all their guns were facing towards the southern seas, believing that the evil Empire of the Rising Sun will make an amphibious assault and rush with "Shogun Battleships and Naginata Crusiers" spam. Hence, the epic drama unfolds as the Empire of the Rising Sun mass-spam bicycles and eggs from the North and base-rape the British fortress from the rear. - "I say old chap, that's rather poor sportsmanship to come in from the rear." Ever since then, homosexuals have had it bad in Singapore.
The brave British soldiers claimed they would never surrender to the Empire of the Rising Sun, but due to irony in the ranks they surrendered till the last man, led by the brave British war coward Arthur Ernest "Not in the rear!" Percival at the front of the line for POW uniforms. Follow-up attacks were ones of petty abuse of human rights (especially females, by Kira Yamato). The locals cried out for a hero, and providence delivered one.
Chapter V (The Great Independence)[edit | edit source]
His name was Lee Kwan Yew, the Grand Patriarch and Messiah of the Republic of Ant Kingdom, who lies in a parallel universe in the exact same location as Singapore. Taking pity on the island's dozy residents, he single-handedly defeated no fewer than 250 Gundam robot attacks, at times even holding his own against a dozen or more at once. Unbeknown to the evil Empire of the Rising Sun, Lee Kwan Yew was actually an immortal with electromagnetic (commonly known as brain-damaging) and cyberpathic powers (shouting at the technician). The turning point was when he defeated the renowned General Assram Zara, tricking him into self-destructing his Infineon Justice Gundam. The final showdown barely a year later was one of the most titanic events in Singaporean history, with Lee unleashing his final release (卍解, bankai) upon Kira Yamato's Grand Master Strike Freedom Gundam, obliterating it in one blast. With that, Lee Kwan Yew defeated the Japanese, and even drove the British from Singaporean shores. After the British left, Malaysia conquered Singapore and built a gigantic shopping mall (that covered the whole island) and a strange railway station in the heart of Singapore, situated at Tanjong Pagar. In 1965, Lee petitioned the United Nations to grant the shopping mall a seat, as well as a seat in the railway station's toilet. This caused a war between the United States and Malaysia. Malaysia was defeated in the war, and Singapore was eventually granted a seat for both the shopping mall and the railway station's toilet.
Chapter VI (The Lee Dynasty Rises)[edit | edit source]
Since Lee defeated the foreign conquerors, Singapore has embarked on the path to a Golden Age, which mysteriously ended in 1985 when Lee's batteries began to power down. (no, he is not the final unknown Cylon model, relax.) In 2005, he initiated a "Peaceful Handover" of Power to his incredibly unbelievable son, Crown Prince Lee Hsien Loong Mai Hum, whose controversial "Cowboy Hats For All!" and "Mee Siam Mai Hum" policies have yet to inject positive economic growth into the country like he promised it would. Lee Hsien Loong's assistants try to spit everywhere in Singapore in a weak attempt to help generate economic growth into the country somehow in order to fulfill his promise, which failed nevertheless and nobody give a damn anyhow. and the sudden rise of power from the great james ok lead to another revolution
Future of Singapore[edit | edit source]
Based on the chronicles of time travelers Hiro Nakamura and Peter Petrelli, the following events will happen, or otherwise altered due to complicated time-altering consequences.
Chapter VII (Save The Foreigners, Save The Nation)[edit | edit source]
The Recession will still happen in 2009, causing thousands to lose jobs. If not, millions! To help the poor and needy, the government will implement a further increase of GST (Goods and Service Tax) to 30%, so that the nation can save the poor. However this is not enough as the nation is falling as the increase of GST will cause a further impact on The Recession, which will fire even more locals, as a result causing the nation's economy to crumble. Prime Minister Lee Siaou Loong will take an unorthodox method to save the nation. In his future rally speech in August 2009, he will make a memorable catchphrase "Save The Foreigners, Save The Nation". His concept of saving the nation involves bringing in even more foreign talents to Singapore, so that these foreign talents can bring a boost in economy and eventually save the nation. What about the locals? Everyone else will ask. "They can survive, there's a way, somehow. (...giggles...) Men can always sign on to The Ant, women as usual, can be the SPGs they always dreamed of, and children can find odd part-time jobs that last 16 hours a day, why not?", Prime Minister Lee will reply, shrugging as he will speak.
Chapter VIII (The Lee Dynasty Strikes Back)[edit | edit source]
COE will increase, more E.R.P. gantries will be installed after the "Beep Beep Beep" discussion becomes a reality, GST increased to an unbelievable 60%, cost of power supply increased by 42%, public transport increase fares twice the rate. More foreign talents will be imported to inject more economic growth in Singapore. Singapore birth rate will dwindle, the lowest in the millennium, at a 0.5% rate. Prime Minister will further impose more money profiting schemes to aid the elites and the foreign talents only, promoting them to give birth more. More Opposition leaders will be charged with unbelievable political crimes as the 2011 Election is drawing close. The peasant community will be very unhappy, and in response, Prime Minister will open a statement that has similar context with "What to do, it has happened."
Basically, the only concept of life Singaporeans have is to block it out by saying they are 'open-minded' and 'thankful' by criticizing other countries. Lee has full control over a nation by using his classic template of totalitarianism; conscience-pricking methodologies. Anything that anyone is not happy with, will be 'picked' on by telling that person to "grateful for what he has". This attitude has been solidly imbued in almost all Singaporeans, who wallow in deceit and pathetic euphemisms who use the same conscience-pricking methodologies to silence any others who dare to speak up.
Chapter IX (The 2011 Election)[edit | edit source]
The next election will take place before 2011. Prior to the start of the premature Election, PAP will throw in more cash and fried chicken drumsticks to turn more brainless peasants to support them. The Opposition, being poor, relies heavily on the blasphemies of what the leading party done for the past four years to fuel hatred and more support against their rivals. The Election will begin. The Opposition seems winning, gathering more support as the days will go by. Suddenly in one desperate sweeping move, Minister Mentor will declare that the what's left of the Opposition rivals that they commit some form of political crime, and lock them in prison eternally. The Opposition supporters will cry foul, with no leaders, will be unable to fight the Election. PAP will win by default. More good years ahead.
Politics and Government[edit | edit source]
Singapore, a Fine and Simply Beautiful country, follows a communistic single-party system, which means that the people are free to all make the only one same choice. Since the country's Independence from Impure Ideology in 1945, the People's Authoritarian Party, or the PAP, has been in power continuously, except for two hours in 1971 when a talking dog walked into the parliament building and declared itself emperor. Lee Kuan Yew is known to be Emperor of Singapore in disguise. He passed his position to an unknown man, who opted to use the title of Second Prime Minister of the National Socialist "Empire" Republic of Singapore(NSEROS). Later, that unknown guy, whose name has already been forgotten by Singaporeans, passed his position to his predecessor's son, who is also a son of a bitch, Lee <insert name here> (the name is not important as the surname is omnipotent). He is currently the country's third Prime Minister and will continue to pass his crown to his son. Lee Kuan Yew also is said to die in years to come and wants to be buried in the cemetery in the VivoCity Shopping Mall with a statue of cupids making out on his bloody grave. [citation needed]
The political caste system in Singapore is tiered as follows:
People (Local)/Elite[edit | edit source]
The local elites (sometimes known as Rafflelitists) come from Bishan (Raffles Junior College, Raffles Institution, Braddell-Westlake Secondary School and ITE Bishan). All other peoples (aka the Minions) come from the rest of Singapore, including the Bukit Timah neighbourhood (comprising the Bukit Timah Neighbourhood Schools, with the exception of Nanyang Girls' High School, which is not a neighbourhood school).
The purity of the elite class was disturbed recently when Anglo Chinese Junior College (ACJC) joined in the Elites through an unorthodox manner known as "school ragging". The result was astonishing, and sweep the media by storm. The Raffles elites are unhappy about the merger, nevertheless ACJC elites managed to get what they want extensive usage of "ACJC is part of elite JCs which are not meant for prudes anyway". The Raffles elites, knowing that they cannot be prudes, have no choice but allow ACJC into the pool of elitists. So, please get out of my elite uncaring face, you "stupid crackpot".
Basically, the only concept of life Singaporeans have is to block it out by saying they are 'open-minded' and 'thankful' by criticizing other countries.
People (Local)/Aunties[edit | edit source]
Dubbed as one of the most noticable icons of Singapore, the local Singaporean Aunties are the result of an epic failure of a cultural experiment by the Shadow Emperor God. Once intended to possess the ultimate rojak of the infinite government policies, the Prototype Auntie encountered several fatal errors and glitches during the second beta testing, resulting in an explosion of pixels and bits of programming, and sprouted out several more Aunties, which went on reproducing more and more of such Aunties through numerous virtual explosions, eventually creating a stable population of 1.5 million Aunties. While some speculate the Aunties as a potential threat to society, everyone else will admit that these "creations" are nothing more than an epic fail. These Aunties have been notoriously infamous over their adherence to PM 'Mai Hum' Lee's Digital Age Protocol, hence their attitude towards IT and computers have always been extremely negative since the beginning of time. An example could be seen in the Singapore Checkpoint, where the average auntie spends 1 hour trying to figure out how to place her thumbprint on the scanner, after 90 minutes of figuring whether to place her passport on/under/beside the passport scanner, hence the reason for congested queues to clear customs in Singapore since the dawn of time.
However, the Aunties have been known to defy government protocols too. Most of them are known to have committed obscene acts (mainly nose digging) in the public buses and cars, especially when they are aware of the term 'social responsiblity'. Aunties have also been known to cut into queues, which is evident in situations such as the 'Free Hello Kitty' by McDonald's. They are also known to gossip about everything under the sun, from the colour of their clothes to how the universe began.
Nonetheless, despite the gross and somewhat-retarded nature of the Singaporean Aunties, the world has finally recognised the 'Singaporean Auntie' to be a unique cultural icon, along with the various hard-to-pronounce African and South American tribes.
But let's face it, the only concept of life Singaporean Aunties have is to block it out by saying they are 'okay' and 'alright' by crticising other countries (with undecipherable language).
People (Foreign)[edit | edit source]
The people, known as "Foreign Talents", are precious, and are widely known as the First Class citizens. Their talents are so precious that whilst they have no voting rights, it is expected that their children will perform National Service (aka National Slavery or NS) for a country they cannot vote in. Thus extends the Lee families moto: "let them with no power and no voice die for those who have more". Despite these measures, most foreign people (predominately Japanese and Koreans, Ang Mohs are just the visible ones) are too smart to have their children become PR or Citizens and eventually run away mocking "Singaporeans are stupid". [citation needed] They are the recognized people bringing growth and economy to the Nation, from doctors to CEOs, hence the more reason why foreign talents should come in and stay. Welcome to Singapore. We are always expecting you.
Basically, the only concept of life Singaporeans have is to block it out by saying they are 'open-minded' and 'thankful' by criticizing other countries.
Parliament[edit | edit source]
Comprised primarily of robots, dummies, and 12 Cylons alike, it is the Parliament's job to agree with whatever Emperor-God Lee says, for he is Good and Infallible and his Boundless Wisdom must not be Questioned.
It is also the Parliament's job to conduct organized worship of the Revered One , Excellency and Most High on a monthly basis.
Basically, the only concept of life Singaporeans have is to block it out by saying they are 'open-minded' and 'thankful' by criticizing other countries.
The President/Puppet[edit | edit source]
His Majesty's job is to sit in his palace, drink kopi-O, eat prata, and cook curry fish head right after winning an uncontested election. The Prime Minister locks him in his palace and pays him $2 billion dollars a year to appease him and keep him out of politics. However, it was reported recently that His Majesty has taken an interest in animal politics, by his appearance at the passing of an iconic Orang Utan.
Basically, the only concept of life Singaporeans have is to block it out by saying they are 'open-minded' and 'thankful' by criticizing other countries. Lee has full control over a nation by using his classic template of totalitarianism; conscience-pricking methodologies. Anything that anyone is not happy with, will be 'picked' on by telling that person to "grateful for what he has". This attitude has been solidly imbued in almost all Singaporeans, who wallow in deceit and pathetic euphemisms who use the same conscience-pricking methodologies to silence any others who dare to speak up.
The Prime Minister Mai Hum[edit | edit source]
The Prime Minister is the 2nd most important person in Singapore, and possibly the only known person whose inherent human dignity counts for anything. All decisions are made by this Lee, and approved by the other Lee. At present, Lee Hsien Loong Mai Hum is the Prime Minister of Singapore. He has been famous for promoting very high imports of "Foreign Talents", believing that by doing so it is the only way to contribute to the Nation's economy; and increasing GST and number of E.R.P. Gantries, believing that the increment of GST will help the poor while the ERP gantries will somehow allow poorer people to own cars after doing some mathematical and relativity theory calculations; as well as the creator of a new Singapore dish, Mee Siam Mai Hum. (Siamese noodles without cockles.) He accidentally revealed that Singapore weather was man-made with extensive research of "Chillies and Onions" from the famous A*STAR research during the F1 random interview. (See "Geography and Climate" chapter below.)
The Senior Minister/His Royal Highness The Crown Prince eats peanuts[edit | edit source]
After "peacefully" handing over the seat of Prime Minister to Lee Hsien Loong, Mr. Goh Chok Tong ascended to the position of Crown Prince under the service of the Emperor Lee. The Goh has incredible unknown abilities, able to tap into the collective consciousness of the Singaporean people in order to ensure that their thoughts remain untainted by evil Western Imperialist media, as well as trying his best to cover up the high amount of "Peanut" salary earned per day. Should the Prime Minister fail in his mission to penetrate the hearts and minds of the people, the Crown Prince serves as a back-up plan. The Senior Minister is the 1.5th most important person in Singapore, and based on history archives, actually it was created by Emperor Lee then when he refused to step down and created this post so that he could "guide the new Prime Minister" back when Emperor Lee was a Senior Minister.
Basically, the only concept of life Singaporeans have is to block it out by saying they are 'open-minded' and 'thankful' by criticizing other countries.
Minister Mentor/The Secretive, Mysterious, Powerful Shadow Emperor[edit | edit source]
A new post created not so long ago by Emperor-God Lee and is theoretically right to to the the number 1 most important person in Singapore. Speculations have been going that this post was created recently due to the fact Emperor-God Lee feels it will be better to oversee and "guide" the Prime Minister and Senior Minister, if those two "understudies" somehow screwed up. It was an urban myth that the Minister Mentor also has the right to call in whores to him anytime, anywhere. Therefore, when the space of Minister Mentor is opened, the criteria for a Minister Mentor is that he must be a perverted Raffles student who has attended English Language (Oral), Biology (Practical) and Bodily Interaction Advance courses by Prof. T. Y. M. (whose real name is concealed for identity reasons), an experienced professional. The assessment component is optional, but a straight GPA of 4.0 in all 3 subjects would be of great help.
Super Heroes in Singapore[edit | edit source]
There are heroes within the hearts of every Singaporean. How many are willing to make a bold move and stand out? How many are willing to help the nation withstand the forces of evil?
VR-Man[edit | edit source]
VR-Man is the most popular and original superhero that has ever been created and known in Singapore. Remarkably similar dressed as Batman in pure coincidence, VR-Man dons a black rubber suit with a (VR) emblem stuck on the chest of his suit. In addition, he wears synthetic rubber with some high graded plastic coated gloves and black Gortex boots (Probably inherited from VR-Man's NS days). He wears a signature black mask (shockingly similar to batman's with the edges all sawn off) that hide his real identity and combs his hair with "Follow Me" hair spray. He carry a very unique gadget that gives him powers. Whatever this gadget is, nobody has yet to find out more information on it.
Powers/Abilities
Able to fly as well as the ability of replicating virtual holographic copies of his gadget if he want to, VR-Man has another special ability that uses a very special high frequency wave to program devices such as the VCR. However this ability does cause various limitations, such as the inability to power Blu-Ray drives. This limitation has been explained by VR-Man in one of the inspiring speech in one of the neighbourhood schools, because "the gadget has run out of support and nobody is planning on a new patch ver11.1.2 to update the gadget". Recent new abilities has been added to the list to combat media violence, as such VR-Man has been sporting with a new Super-VR-Patch Vision (tm), which can instantly fill-in the censored part of any movie he's watching. He has also been sporting a new Virtual Reflector Heat Vision (tm), which currently has has yet to use it and some locals has been gossiping in a joking fashion that this new device is only for shaving has armpit and pubic hair only. There has been rumour too that by blinking his eyes, he is able to instantly create badly rendered super imposed lightning/sparks, which may cause seizures in children too.
Privileges
Being proud of a local superhero saving the nation, the government approved some special privilege and incentives for superheroes like VR-Man. One such privilege is to able to fly past ERP gantries without the need of installing an I.U. device into the suit. Another bonus he can get is gaining free unlimited access to Starhub Cable TV and Mio TV.
Real Identity
Rumours has it that it could possibly be a MediaCorpse actor called James Lye. When questions, he denied and complained that he had allergies with "Follow Me" hair sprays, and it will make no sense if he is the legendary VR-Man.
SMRT-Man[edit | edit source]
SMRT-Man' is the superhero and had full control of all SMRT transports, buses and MRTs alike. With this great powers of telekinesis, he operates all train and bus services in his small head. He was a emotional reckless young man and jumped off the MRT track to kill himself. However an anomaly happened. The electricity on the tracks supercharged him, and before a MRT train could flatten him, he became one with the MRT. Using his new found ability, dubbed the "MRT-kinesis", he telepathically "talk" to the MRT to stop, seconds before the train could crush him. Alas, a new superhero is born. He has been around the country promoting people to be courteous on board the public transports and teaching the public how to escape if one day should a train be dead in the middle of two stations.
“I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T!”
Powers/Abilities[edit | edit source]
"MRT-kinesis", a special ability that allows him to manipulate, control, and telepathically talk to SMRT operated machines. Able to reach from Boon Lay Station to Pasir Ris Station in seconds by standing on the MRT tracks. He also had a secondary ability, known as "Eye Power". This ability allows him to get things done without moving or spending any sort of his energy. He has been using this ability on many commuters on the train, to "eye-powered" them to stand properly and allow the special needy to take the priority seats. He can also deduct one's EZlink card entirely at one shot of his eye-power. BEEP!
Privileges[edit | edit source]
Being the "King" of SMRT public transport, he does not need to pay for any fares, anytime.
HDTV Guy[edit | edit source]
HDTV Guy is a fictional character invented by the "original and creative" MDA. He was created to educate the Singapore audience that all shows should be censored, cropped, butchered, and cut, for the nation's own good. One interesting note is that he loves to hang around Channel X for some unexplainable reason.
Powers/Abilities
He has the ability to censor and cut out scenes which he find unsuitable for all audiences in Singapore, for example, the "I love you, you love me" scene from Barney The Purple Dinosaur was censored, as he finds it too explicit.
Criticizms
Citizens and netizens are complaining that this character is nothing but a lousy parody to the famous Superman. While majority has been complaining and swearing that MDA is wasting money doing nonsensical "original and creative" things, one was quoted stating that "Chey! Bluff Children One!"
Legal System and Judiciary[edit | edit source]
Citizens of Singapore[edit | edit source]
Singaporeans are often called "ball-less" by English-speakers, or gu niang (effeminate/cowardly) by Chinese Dialect speakers, for lacking the courage to criticize the government's policies, or for being hopelessly brainwashed by government propaganda. In actual fact, this is only a superficial impression - the manifestation of passive-aggressive behaviour motivated by inexpressible cynicism; a form of political theatre acted out by the government and the citizens. Most government propaganda in Singapore is highly effective, although not in the traditional sense, but rather as self-parody, although the nuances that make it such usually come in the form of in-jokes. Most Singaporeans consider their country to be very successful based on strong GDP growth. Surveys by the media have shown that Singaporeans are able to cope well with inflation, taxation, ERPs, dropping birth rates, National Service and work-related stress. Strikes and protests are almost non-existent due to the common belief that such disturbances hinder economic growth.
Basically, the only concept of life Singaporeans have is to block it out by saying they are 'open-minded' and 'thankful' by criticizing other countries. Lee has full control over a nation by using his classic template of totalitarianism; conscience-pricking methodologies. Anything that anyone is not happy with, will be 'picked' on by telling that person to "grateful for what he has". This attitude has been solidly imbued in almost all Singaporeans, who wallow in deceit and pathetic euphemisms who use the same conscience-pricking methodologies to silence any others who dare to speak up.
Police a.k.a. Mata[edit | edit source]
As the armed forces work to enforce the will of Emperor Robo-Lee on the country's borders and on foreign soil, the mission of the police force is similar, except on the domestic front. More occupied with keeping the common people in line than doing actual police work, they have nonetheless kept the level of crime to a minimum, due to the rigorous laws in place and the appropriately brutal enforcement of these laws.
In the area of traffic enforcement, the police is famous for diligently enforcing every traffic infracton. For example, failure to display one's road tax disc is punishable by listening to 'Neko Mimi Mode', the opening song from the Japanese anime Tsukuyomi -Moon Phase-, for 24 hours in a darkened sound-proof capsule - a punishment that is regarded as an effective and relatively humane method of deterrence. This is the standard procedure outside of one place - where the gleaming tour coaches bring brunch for the Merlion and park on the double yellow lines on Anderson Bridge by the upmarket Waterboat House as they disgorge Sing-dollar laden tourists for their final deliverance even as the greenback depreciates by the hour. Entering the wrong amount in parking coupons, meanwhile, is dealt with by subjecting the offender to watching 100 of the infamous Naruto filler episodes in one sitting. The traffic police is equipped with the same level of technology as the military, with modified Saleen Mustangs as police cruisers. Officers in the traffic police are employed in administrative and clerical positions, as the cruisers can transform into a robot mode and enforce the law on their own.
On other fronts, the police are equally severe. Since chewing gum is considered to be a psychotropic substance used exclusively by heretics, those who consume gum are burned at the stake on the Padang to cleanse them of the influence of Chaos. The same sentence is extended to vocal local opponents of the death penalty, most of whom have their faith in capital punishment gradually restored. Those who question the will of Robo-Lee are paid a visit in the middle of the night and invited to "coffee". Those who accept the invitation come back either catatonic, close to death, or completely insane. Historically, the record for the most severe punishment ever meted out was against the Chaos arch-heretic Dr. Chee Soon Juan. Robo-Lee used his psychic powers to probe his mind and then had him detained "for the good of the Imperium". Chee was punished with a curse of always having words come out of his mouth without first passing through the remnants of his brain. The curse extends to 18 generations of his descendants, predestining them to never receive the same level of respect and admiration that the current generation of political leaders inspire.
Many respected political analysts, including teen delinquents, housewives and retirees, have argued that Chee is in fact a drone controlled by Emperor Robo-Lee. Others, including prominent experts in psychotronics, believe that Chee is running on an older, unpatched version of Windows XP, and that he contracted democracy from a flock of infected PCs, while travelling in Guangdong, China. The Singaporean government has, since 2006, inoculated all school children at age 12 with a locally developed vaccine against democracy that has proven 95% effective in "deterring democratic sentiments" in clinical trials on guinea pigs - when presented with voting slips, the guinea pigs declined to vote for any political party.
Geography and Climate[edit | edit source]
On the map, Singapore resembles a little "red dot", much like a pimple on the rear end of the world. The first person to notice this was former Indonesian President Habibie, who remarked, in an interview with the Asian Wall Street Journal, "My goodness, it looks like a little red dot!" For this reason, Singapore's Ministry of Foreign Affairs (it has been reported that many Singaporean men have "foreign affairs" in Batam, thus justifying the existence of a separate ministry) has proudly begun calling Singaporeans "Red Dotters". Following this incident, Indonesia wisely decided to stop selling sand to Singapore for use in its land-reclamation efforts.
Basically, the only concept of life Singaporeans have is to block it out by saying they are 'open-minded' and 'thankful' by criticizing other countries.
Land[edit | edit source]
There have been inaccurate rumours that when all the land reclamation taking place around the Singapore coast line is complete, Singapore's geographical profile will have morphed from that of a red dot to the noble outline of a Merlion, or a square, or even a Merlion with a square head, drinking coffee and puking brown-coloured matter which the cat ate yesterday. It is believed instead, that when the reclamation is finally completed, each of the Merlion's tail flukes will be so shaped as to produce a sheltered lagoon. This lagoon will then be converted into an Integrated Resort. No one is exactly sure as to what this resort is to be integrated with. All the same, Malaysia has decided to stop supplying Singapore with water from 2020 onwards, and has also threatened to cut off water supplies intermittently based on a rigorous schedule of "whenever they feel like it" and "just because they can". This threat is actually based on the extremely cheap (by current water value) raw water price agreement signed by both sides decades ago, with Lee Kuan Yew stubbornly sticking with the old price. Ex-Prime Minister of Malaysia, Dr. Mahathir, in response, said: "They act like a child being bullied by its big brother, but in reality, it's the opposite way."
Water[edit | edit source]
Thus, Singapore has begun its search for alternative water sources independent of their neighbouring country's whims and fancies. In 1998, the A*Star programme, under the guidance of Phillip "Mr Invincible" Yeo, unveiled Neurally Enhanced Water, or NEWater. Water from the sewers air conditioning units the blood and sweat of children being forced to run the 2.4-km is collected and distilled before being fortified with chemicals that will "make Singaporeans stronger", proving once again that Singaporeans are able to swallow anything (much like Zoe Tay). It is still uncertain as to whether the widespread distribution of NEWater has any connection to recent plummeting birth rates. Regardless of the means of manufacture, newspaper polls have shown that NEWater is seen as a 'cool' and delicious drink. For the foreseeable future, it is still a matter of debate among experts whether NEWater is to be considered Halal - a matter of particular concern for the 14.9% Muslim population on the island.
Weather[edit | edit source]
| “ | All our people put up... er... er... chillis and onions to prevent the rain from coming down this evening. | ” |
It was recently leaked by Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong Mai Hum, that the country's weather is man-made. Since many years ago, Mr. Philip Yeo's A*STAR research has reach fruition by utilizing state-of-the-art technologies to harness energy from "Chillies and Onions" to make rain or drought. During a recent F1 random interview, PM Lee was shocked that he was "arrowed" to be interview, in order to get rid of the interviewer by the stunning questions, he accidentally leaked the nation's greatest secret. Ever since then, citizens and weather enthusiasts have been flooding PM Lee's email account and phone calls for "Weather Requests".
Economy[edit | edit source]
Singapore is the only shopping mall to have been granted statehood by the United Nations. Every store in the country is connected to the progressive Lee Dynasty Megacorp, ensuring smooth transactions and controlled supplies of goods. The main exports of Singapore include Tiger Beer and students from Raffles Junior College. Since Singapore legalised human organ trading, Singaporeans' body parts are becoming a steady source of export revenue for local healthcare providers.
Singapore is famous for being a shopper's paradise. There are 2.1 million shopping malls in Singapore, or nearly one for every two citizens. Of these malls, over 2 million of them have the same shops, which makes it easy to find exactly what you are looking for. A new shopping mall springs up at the rate at which someone dies of HIV in the Third World (approx. every 15 seconds). Singapore is not the air-conditioned nation for nothing, and the government aims to maximize the ratio of shops to persons. It is hoped that by 2025, this ratio will be 100:1. How these will be properly run is as yet unclear, but it will not be a stretch given Singapore's service standards (see below).
Singaporeans take great pride in providing an unsurpassed level of service. At most retail establishments, employees undergo rigorous training to perfect their blank stares and mumbles, purging from their brains any information they encounter which might be remotely useful or relevant. While tourists often find these skills frustrating or even rude, it is only because they do not understand the unique culture of Singapore in which being helpful is punishable by seven strokes of the cane.
There is another Uniquely Singapore phenomenon called "En Bloc Sales", where 80% of your neighbours could sell your home over your strenuous but futile objections if you live in "air space" of 10 years old or more. If your "air space" is less than 10 years old, it will take another 10% of your ugly neighbours to take away your ceiling. Technically, you could move in today and 90% of your neighbours could agree to sell your nest tomorrow. Property is about 3 things: Location, Location and Location. The witless like to think that they have reaped an en bloc windfall. Despite being the cabbage-heads that they are, these people rarely break wind even when they realize that the replacement cost of the redevelopment at their old en bloc site is 70%-200% of their prized collective sales proceeds. The labour movement and a whole host of other things in this country are "tripartite" efforts, except for this National Cause of Urban Renewal as Singapore undergoes another Extreme Makeover in the new millennium. The citizens sacrifice their homes whilst the corporate developers laugh with so much gas in their collective gut all the way to the bank because the value of prime land is unlocked and handed to them on a silver platter. The government blithely shares in the spoils through an array of hefty development charges, differential premiums and not-inconsequential stamp duties from each en bloc sale with back-to-back individual purchase transactions.
The latest trend in the Singapore economy is the revival of the Multi-level marketing schemes. As you can see, it is a Uniquely Singapore scheme that will get anyone rich quickly. However, rest assure that it is not a "get-rich-quick scheme". The main plot to the righteous scheme is to fund and oversee the incredible construction of the "Singapura Pyramid", right after the construction of Integrated Resorts. It has been foreseen the the biggest Pyramid ever built in the world, putting the Egyptian pyramids to shame, ultimately becoming the next "Wonder of the world". The plot has been recently revived by some incredibly talented and ambitious ex-con artists, and has put up with many legitimate companies and corporations to convince every locals[1] to pick up spades and shovels to build up the record breaking dream. So far there are thousands being recruited, convinced and consoled, and all of them are extremely delighted to contribute to the economy of Singapore.
| “ | Quit your poorly paid jobs and wake up from your hopeless dreams, you should sign up now and be part of this record breaking dream! Trust us. Not only your name will be engraved among the thousand names on the Uniquely Singapura Pyramid, you will also be rich in no time. | ” |
Tourism[edit | edit source]
Tourism is a vital part of Singapore's economy. In 2000, over 4 million people were tricked, bullied, forced, cajoled, coaxed, or otherwise fooled into visiting Singapore for an average period of sixteen hours. The government refers to the tourist experience in this country as "Uniquely Singapore", a slogan that has received a positive response from tourists - most tourists would probably kill themselves if they discovered there could possibly be another city somewhere in the world just like Singapore.
Most of the country's tourism is centred on tiny Sentosa island. Tourists flock to the beaches for the rare sight of majestic container ships entering and exiting the harbour. The shops along the beaches sell postcards featuring the iconic oil refineries on the skyline. The beaches, comprised of strips of imported sand from as far away as Saudi Arabia and Dubai, have been widely praised as some of the most beautiful in the world.
The recent proposed addition to Singapore's tourist offerings has been a hot topic of discussion. Integrated Resorts, or IR's - also known by their actual name "casinos" - have many middle-aged Singaporeans concerned that their spouse might gamble their life savings away. This is a very important issue because experts agree that most Singaporeans have never heard of the concept of personal responsibility and could not possibly be expected to be accountable for their own actions. However, a government-commissioned study has determined that a vibrant economy is "evidently more important than the twenty-five dollars in some old man's bank account", and so by 2015, Singapore plans to ruin more foreigners in casinos than any other shopping mall city in the world.
In a quest to be the most kiasu city in the world, Singapore launched the Singapore Flyer, a.k.a. the-waste-your-money-to-go-up-for-a-ride-but-actually-nothing-to-see observation wheel. It is the world's tallest observation wheel, but of course other nations are going to catch up in the quest for Kiasuism.
Basically, the only concept of life Singaporeans have is to block it out by saying they are 'open-minded' and 'thankful' by criticizing other countries.
Creativity[edit | edit source]
Really here, no joke. Besides the extremely few minorities (some who have disappeared overseas due to their actual intelligence and foresight), Singaporean creative entities need to just STOP focusing on the superficial shit on what makes an "original" identity. Nothing original can come out of identity without its citizen's sense of humanity stepping up. And so are their denials. Due to the classic classroom upbringing of "who gets the better grades", that entire classroom attitude of inferiority complexes the size of The Esplanade itself has woven its way into the fabric of its society, where defence mechanisms are so sharp and high that they block out everything around the world that is around them, with their own "philosophical euphemisms" and criticisms of others to make themselves feel better about themselves.
Creativity does not come from "looking for originality". It comes from the humanity. And right now, Singaporeans' sense of humanity isn't even on par with most of the rest of the world yet. The humanity of Singaporeans have not even made it pass a fundamental level of a point to reach out and learn more about the good things in other countries and accept all kinds of injustices in their own, let alone finding identity within themselves.
For those in the creativity and arts field, they will understand this by what they see everyday. Besides the really pathetic 'creations' the MDA has spawned, every creative project is more of a series of creative "avoidances" than the concern of the actual message of the project itself. This senseless and mindless overshadowing of euphemism is obviously clear. The art film community now is slowly starting to behave the way a totalitarian nation behaves; if it's not gay, not lesbian, not emotional, then it's a 'crap' local film. Yes, even the independent creative scenes are based more on "hatred of the status quo" rather than actually making use of the independent medium itself for potential gems. Still wondering why there's so few gems that made it international?
Diversity in itself, is not even wanted by the "most" creative entities as much as they preach about it! Backstabbing is the norm!
Singaporeans, who don't even know what it is like to 'soar' yet, are saying that 'soaring is boring and not original'! Oh sure, I suppose we can get more "ORIGINAL" by thinking that way eh?
Again, forget funny jokes here. Knowing the typical reaction of a typical Singaporean, diplomacy is abused and twisted automatically to make him/herself feel better.
Another major falling point in Singapore's 'creativity', is the complete utter oblivion towards euphemisms. Singaporeans, thanks to Lee, have become so accustomed to euphemising their lives into oblivion that they actually believe it's the "MATURED" thing to do. No, it's not "MATURED". It's FUCKING LAME AND WEAK.
Creativity is not about originality. It's about humanity and self-honesty. And clearly, since alot of Singaporeans haven't even gotten past the BASICS, it is NO WONDER why there is few and nothing in between.
Military[edit | edit source]
- Main article: Singapore Armed Forces
Consisting of millions of loyal and dedicated soldiers, the military of Singapore, known as the Singapore Ant Forces or the SAF, is the most powerful ant army in the world and has never lost any battles (because it has not fought in any). All conscripts of the SAF are sent to Pulau Tekong BMT to numb their senses and creativity while enhancing their obedience to the Lee government. This keeps the conscripts fiercely obedient to all orders and instructions.
The secret to their zero military defeat record (despite not being in any battles at all) is rumoured to be attributed to their assisted inception and development by the Israeli Defence Force (IDF). It is also rumoured that many military commanders are actually the by-products of an Israeli military experiment gone terribly wrong.
Soldiers are also trained in the use of biological warfare (see Food section). Those who graduate from the intense chemical and biological warfare training become part of the secretive classified D.U.R.I.A.N.S. (it's classified to know what the acronyms stand for).
The military is also famed for giving out educational bursaries called SAFOS (Special Awards For Ordinary Singaporeans) to 18 year olds in an attempt to "bond their souls" to the military for life. With tea sessions which cost more than a million dollars each to organize, the military does an apparently successful job of convincing the general population that a soldier's life is a glorious and glamourous one; still, as one recruit interviewed by the local newspaper Today in 2007 remarked, "[...] actually we're just all there for the imba siew mai served at the tea reception lah."
Population[edit | edit source]
Singapore's population currently stands at 4.84 million. However, due to diminishing birth rates and 'hidden' migration out of Singapore, analysts predict that Singapore's population will be no more than three individuals sitting under a coconut tree by the year 2050. Because of this, the government has become involved in raising the pregnancy rate by letting in loads of TKBs (a.k.a Tiong Kok Bu) from China and letting the horny locals marry them. But unfortunately, these TKBs are here for the money only and instead of sticking to having sex with one man, they end up having sex with truck loads of men. This is evident along the streets of the Geylang, the capital of Singapore. In the end, this "Operation Foreign Pussies For Locals To Increase Population" has failed badly because the local married men also ended up cumming into these TKBs instead of their own wives thus causing the birthrate to decline even faster.
The Government is now giving money to those who gave birth to kids recently in a desperate bid to keep the Singaporean race pure. By pure I mean purely homosexual. The Govt is doing this to stop Singaporean girls marrying the Arsenal Football Club's players and Singaporean guys from staring at Jennifer Lopez posters all day.
Although the action of distributing Free Government Whores has met with tepid success, the government thinks it can do much better, predicting a population of 4.6 million by 2011. However, because most Singaporeans are gay, this plan is predicted to fail miserably and Singapore are currently trying to invent a way to create babies through anal gay sex. Go figure.
Generalizations of Singapore[edit | edit source]
The following contains some social perceptions in the modern day of Singapore:
1. Caucasian Dude with Singaporean chick = That Singaporean chick loves tall and handsome outspoken guy with big and long stuff, and the Singaporean chick is a SPG (Sarong Party Girl).
Singaporean dude with Caucasian chick = Is that white bitch of sound mind? The Singaporean dude must be a SPB (Sarong Party Boy), weak.
2. Caucasian Dude open door for lady = Gentlemanly and impresses everyone around.
Singaporean dude open door for lady = Copy Caucasians, people around get suspicious and wonder "is he trying to score points here?"
3. Caucasian Dude chats up SG chick = Interesting and involved conversation in no time.
Singaporean dude chats up any chick = Creepy encounter, hesitant conversation.
4. Caucasian Dude speaking broken Chinese = Cute and amuses everyone around.
Singaporean dude speak fluent English = Banana, soon outcast by Singlish-speaking friends, and every other locals.
5. Caucasian Dude drive sports car = James Bond aura, chick magnet.
Singaporean dude drive sports car = Chao Ah Beng. (Gangster and probably involved in some underground mob.)
6. Caucasian Dude in suit and tie = CEO.
Singaporean dude in suit and tie = Multi-level marketing specialist.
7. Intelligent Caucasian Dude = Professional, outspoken, sporty, loaded, enjoys life, extroverted.
Intelligent Singaporean dude = Independent worker/slave, nerdy, softspoken, introverted, un-streetsmart, wins olympiads.
POWER
Religion[edit | edit source]
The Cult of Lee, or "Leeligion", like the Cult of Jimbo or the Cult of Mao, is a religion dedicated to the image and likeness of the Emperor-God. Other minor religions in Singapore that have yet to be eradicated include Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Taoism and Tourism.
Fully compatible with being a member of the Cult of Lee, Kiasuism is a way of life many Singaporeans adhere to. In accordance with its teachings, a Kiasuist must queue on Sundays at his/her local McDonald's restaurant and offer praise to the Hello Kitty doll that comes with a Happy Meal. Also, many Kiasu parents begin teaching their children Kiasuism from a young age. While some less-devout parents merely beat their primary-school children for failing to obtain perfect marks in all subjects, other parents start while their children are in the womb, by reprimanding their fetal-state progeny for not developing properly or fast enough.
Culture[edit | edit source]
Selfish, Bo Chap, Act Blur, Kiasu, Kiasi, Act Smart, Act Cute, Arrogant, Too Proud, Too many Complaints, don't know how to sound off, Whiny.
That sums it all up.
TO BE ADVISED!
A very un-sarcastic example:
| “ | I is a A star student with many 'A's and no 'B's and 'C's. (got one 'F' only [Chinese] but shhh!) Any silly actions that annoy me i take picture and upload on Stomp.com.sg, so people can comment and getting self-pwned eventually. Don't know lah. What? GST increase, jialat how? I just complain to my friends but don't dare say out or get fined. Lan lan suck thumb loh. Can't be bothered... Hey got free goodies in Orchard Road. omg lah rush there now gtg c ya! | ” |
Food[edit | edit source]
Singapore has an enormous variety of food, such that the act of being able to lift the menu at any local restaurant qualifies one to represent the country in Olympic weight-lifting. However, many food items (such as "Pig Entrail Soup") have such comical or disgusting names that several tourists had to be hospitalized before even consuming them.
One local delicacy that has made headlines is mee siam. Mee siam is a mixture of Asian noodles, prawns, fish, lemongrass, sliced vegetables, and more recently, cockles. This addition was highlighted at the 2006 National Day Rant (NDR) by the Prime Minister "Lee Hsien Loong" Mai Hum. The announcement sent shock waves through the market, and the price of cockles rose dramatically, trading at a peak of US$75 per kilogram of cockles.
PM Lee joins the Black Eye Peas to promote a new MTV video for the brand new Mee Siam Mai Hum.
Another delicacy is the all-mighty durian. This delicacy is central to the Singaporean military force, due to its great usefulness as a biological weapon. Examples are the D24-class bomb, the Mao Shan Wang missiles, etc. Durians are enjoyed by most of the populace, in fact all of the populace, because those who did not enjoy the smell have already been killed by it.
Well known as the "Food Paradise", Singapore loves to steal Malaysia's foods as their food. For example, try the "fried kuay tiao". Singaporeans have taken the fabulous tasting hawker food from their neighbor country and by adding lots and lots of sugar to it, they have successfully turn it into a candy only kids would love. They even claim the famous Roti Canai is Singaporean and call it "Roti Prata".
Education[edit | edit source]
The Singaporean education system is based upon military-style education, which encompasses crushing the will of the student and molding him or her into the image of a fucktard leader. This style is beginning to be emulated in many schools around the world, with Wheeling Jesuit University being one of the first institutions of higher learning to adopt such a system. Students are also forced to dunk their heads into barrels full of fish and mucus while reciting the whole alphabet or memorizing All Your Base Are Belong To Us (Literary Criticism) so they will not lose out in computer trivia for their GP. Water boarding and sleep deprivation are also commonly-used techniques to instill discipline in the Singaporean education system. When questioned on the viability of such techniques, PM Lee merely shrugged and said:
| “ | If the CIA can use them, why not the MOE? | ” |
In addition to such character formation, students are also indoctrinated at a young age through a system known as National Education, where students are fed a "true version" of the history and politics of Singapore. Mind-control also begins at age six, and students are bombarded by mind-control rays every day at school from primary one onwards, through National Service (for the boys) till university; after which, their probability of losing a lucrative job to smarter foreigners is an optimistic 88.89%.
Hwa Chong Institution, home of the Hwa Chong Group of Studios, produces a net total of about one toothpaste commercial every four years.
Transportation[edit | edit source]
The transportation infrastructure is extremely robust in Singapore. In fact, so labyrinthine is Singapore's system of underground tunnels that governmental advisories have been issued against excessive foot-stomping and mass gatherings. (See section: Legal System and Judiciary.)
Another interesting thing to note is how Singaporeans take public transport. Over the years, citizens have mastered these ancient arts of seat grabbing, pole hogging, crowding and 300 Spartan's "Shields Up and Charge" tactic. Research from Mr. Philip Yeo's A*STAR organization had shown that 80% of all Singaporeans grab seats 2.5 times faster than that of people from other countries. For pole leaning, every 5 support poles in the MRT have 3 Singaporeans hogging almost 95% of the pole's holding area. The citizens also tend to have an attraction for the nearest exit on the MRT. It is notable that ever since before the making of a Hollywood film called "300", Frank Miller inspired the concept of 300 Spartans' "shields up and charge" tactic from the encounters of taking Singapore public transport, especially on the exits of the MRTs.
If you think the MRT looks similar to the London Underground, you are correct. It is "Uniquely Singapore", even down to the recording of the same, brainless, British women repeating "Mind the Gap". However, recently this British woman has been replaced by a Singaporean Chinese woman who is illiterate for Pete's sake. One factor that is very different about the MRT is the money collection scheme. You will pay for your ride, come hell or high water. The MRT trains are very highly energy efficient (after all we are a GREEN CITY). Trains will cut off their air conditioning systems and lights for about 4-5 stations (10-15min traveling time) before resuming for 2 stations (5-6min). This is especially so for the vintage MRTs, the 1st original train which make nice screeching sound when traveling.
To make boarding more efficient, the MRT carriages have been specially designed with an A*STAR researched device known as the iVacuum. These devices will make the carriages filled with vacuum before the trains arrive at each station. The vacuum is so strong that you can see passengers being sucked to the small little opening of the station doors even before the train arrives. Once the train arrives and the doors open, the passengers are then sucked in very quickly. The vacuum effect is sometimes so powerful that some passengers have problems alighting. Such effect is very powerful during peak hours.
Another skill mastered by a typical Singaporean is acting dead, so that if someone heavily pregnant or the elderly is looking for a seat, the typical young Singaporean will promptly doze off, even without the pregnant lady nor the elderly boarding the train, but when not faced with these circumstances. Common things to do on board the public transport system are eating secretly with the art of the Ninjitsu while avoiding the "green shirt security men on patrol", blasting music and stretching legs across the carriage, making it seem like those Olympic hurdle courses. A sub-culture of young angry teenagers (a.k.a. fucktwits, si-ginnah or ginnapis) of Singapore is to blast or show off how loud their "mp3 capable phones" are to the public. Songs played range from US Hippy songs to Taiwanese English-influence-ripoff pop to Japanese Sushipop to Korean Kimchipop. Not to mention Singaporeans have a tendency to lean on things, especially metallic poles(maybe due to lack of pole dancing). They fail to understand what is a grab pole and often misinterpret it as lean pole or sleeping pole. Young kids love them! They tend to twirl and swing around it kicking everyone's legs and pulling every lady's skirts, jeans, pants down. They also like to do monkey climb with the hand grips. Singaporeans have also a unexplainable fear of going to the 'center of the carriage'. This is probably due to the fact that by installation of the iVacuum, the middle carriage stores an exhaust pipe that scares passengers away. This is most evident during peak hours when the 'center of the car' is quite empty while the areas around the exits are packed until everyone is smooching and licking each other faces, makeup, perfume not to mention Foreign Talents' hairy armpits (which reeks from medicinal herbs to spices and goat's milk). To counter the issue of "centre of the carriage", SMRT has plans to organize a new type of dance called "centre of the carriage" dance, meant for people who want to dance in MRT cabins as there is too much space, but risking inhalation of toxic substances from the exhaust pipes of the iVacuum.
Also, SBS Transit (Si Beh Slow) buses always travel with the speed of a cyclist, and sometimes it will go so slow while approaching the traffic light while it's green, gaining only a few seconds of speed when the light turns yellow. When the traffic light turns red at that moment, the bus makes a brake so strong that it resembles braking a F1 racing sports car suddenly while in full throttle. SBS Transit's buses are also often old (their oldest bus is still in service since the end of World War II), and may be poorly maintained, with rusty poles and rainwater (which came in through leaky roofs) collecting inside their buses. SBS Buses come with 2 X 100" HD-III (5760 X 3240) Creative™ levitating holographic illumination displays with cinematic 10.1 Dolby Surround Sound for "TVmobile" shows.
Conversely, SBS Transit's arch-rival, SMRT's (pronounced: Ass M Mati) buses travel at the speed of light at the bare minimum, in an approach that is designed to set them apart from their arch-rival. This instantaneous burst of speed sometimes causes the buses to be dislodged in alternate realities or parallel universes. One of their longest record was 1 hour+ per interval. Often this is a very dark bus often took by spicy and hairy neighbours. Maybe it is too dark and the driver lost his way when the zerglings flood the bus with their spices and hair? This approach has made many fans out of their commuters, who switched to their buses after being pissed off at the way SBS Transit's buses are driven despite the fact that their buses are commonly infested with cockroaches (and sometimes, Grues), with air-conditioning that mimic Death Valley on hot days and Antarctica on cold ones, and a suspension system that's guaranteed to either aid in digestion or indigestion, depending on who you ask. Some of their newer buses are even designed by Pininfarina, the same Italian guys that designed the Ferraris, to ensure top performance at high speeds.
Citizens are to be equipped with camera phones on public transport system so that they could snap a photo of anyone doing something 'not meant for public transport' and send it to the Public Shaming Gallery put up by the Government aka www.STOMP.com.sg. Ironically, those whom mastered the ninja way of eating secretly on public transport could not fend themselves from the dangerous camera phone welding assassins, mostly ending up with their picture captured while biting on their favourite curry puff or fried chicken wing.
You have to make at least 3 trips from Point A to Point B and you have the pleasure of using 5 different types of transportation, Walking/LRT/MRT/Buses/Giving up and taking a cab. This is only available in Singapore. You will have to walk for 8 mins out of the North-East Line or need to change to the North-South/East-West lines. This is simply World-class Transportation!
Every year the Land Transport Authority increases the bus, MRT and taxi fares by 66.6% in order to further fund the ambitious Project Las Vegas = Singapore 2009
The ERP Effect[edit | edit source]
The Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) (Malay:Sistem Kadar Jalan Elektronik; Chinese: 电子道路收费系统) scheme is an electronic government profitable scheme adopted in Singapore by the People Authoritarian Party (PAP) to manage traffic by road pricing, as well as a good solution to reduce crowded and jammed-pack areas, such as crowded shopping malls in Orchard and VivoCity, and reduce crowds during peak hours in public transports such as in the MRTs.
| “ | They all want cars, let them own the cars and we will put the gantry up; beep, beep, beep, they get angry, never mind. But at least they get the car. | ” |
- -- Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong Mai Hum revealing his profiting scheme in one of the "beep beep beep" discussions.
The ERP was implemented by the Land Transport Authority in September 1998 to replace the Singapore Area Licensing Scheme after successfully stress-testing the system with speeding trishaws, Remote Controlled cars and electronic kites.
The recent erections of more ERP gantries every 50 metres in every road in Singapore has caused a lot of stir among the Peasant community. When asked for a statement, the Government refused to comment and suggested asking the Land Transport Authority (LTA). The latter also refuse to comment too, and then suggested asking whoever invented the CashCard. The inventor of the CashCard also could not provide a statement and suggested asking the Peasant community to ask the Government, for it is the Government who wanted to use CashCard to lighten the weight of their wallets.
Creative Implementations[edit | edit source]
In conjunction with the Housing Development Board (HDB) in 2008, all lifts across the island are having ERP gantries installed in front of the lift doors. Such implementation is used to minimize overloads and complaints from the residents. Its initial plan was to reduce lift congestion in some home areas (such as Ang Mo Kio, Tampines and Choa Chu Kang HDB flats) during peak hours, as well as a joint project with the Health Promotion Board and the implementation of ERP gantries on lifts proved to be a good initiative to promote healthy lifestyle by forcing people to take the stairs.
In conjunction with the Singapore Tourism Board (STB), and some major profitable shopping malls such as VivoCity and all other shopping centres in Orchard, ERP gantries has been erected at all entrances, exits and emergency exits in every building since August 2008. By doing so, this will reduce heavy congestion and crowds especially during weekends, and if the crowd continue to persist, heavier charges will be implemented by 50% increment in a period of 30 days. It will not affect LTA, STB and the shopping malls either way because the deduction of money from the crowds will already generate enough profit to last them for a decade!
Politics and Impacts[edit | edit source]
Ironically, the Transport Minister, Mr Razor Ramon Lim, mentioned during Parliament that ERP gantries helped more Singaporeans own cars. (more like getting owned/pwned by buying cars.) It was a brilliantly thought out 2 prong revenue generating approach by the elite brains of Singapore. somehow, every idiot goes back to riding buses and making them like tins of sardine. then te price of cars goes down and people buy car and the whole damn thing start again
As said by the Ministers of Singapore, the ERP would cause many people to not drive as many would not want to pay. These people would then take public transport, which will save the Earth since more people can fit in a bus than a car. And did we mention that we were going to construct 1.3141526 billion SBS public buses? This is for the convenience of the people! Ahhh...a brilliant plan!
Singapore is the first city in the world to implement an electronic government profitable scheme for purposes of congestion pricing.
See Also[edit | edit source]
As above, Hitler and ERP Woes.
Media of Singapore[edit | edit source]
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For every movie coming into Singapore, it has to be censored seen by the Media Dissection MOTHERFUCKS Authority(MDMA) in order to weed out the bad parts of the movie. However, a video on the internet has showed to the Singapore public for the first time, of what MDMA considers to be of "good quality".
The Board of Film Censors classifies censored movies into different ratings:
- G (Goddamn boring)
- PG (Phails Godly)
- NC-16 (No Cunts under 16)
- M18 (Manly 18)
- R21 (Raunchy 21)
- O97 (Old 97, Lemonparty material --> Movies that go real slow)
Singapore Propaganda Holdings(SPH) and its rival, Mediacorpse, are owned and solely controlled by under the paternal guidance of the Lee Megacorpse (aka TheMask Holdings) to ensure that they accurately represent the voice of the people. The Straits Times is a bastion of responsible reporting and any whispers of press freedom by the chao angmohs unwashed foreign masses should be promptly ignored. The Straits Times has also won numerous awards for Best Colour Printing For A Newspaper, among its other journalistic merits. SPH has also achieved the same rank as Afghanistan in the 2007 Freedom of the Press World Ranking, which was 154 out of 195, an amazing 41 positions from the bottom.
XEDO is a dummy company created by non other than the MDMA. It has been heavily funded by random local citizens and sponsored lawsuits by singaporean patriots . It's creation was to sensationalized the media, especially the news sectors, as the local news was getting boring and Mediacorpse's Channel News Asia received low ratings. Alas, the dummy company was designed to create controversies and confusion among the locals over the issue of media. As random locals have to fund this company, the peasant community flared up, complaining that they were poor and demand the harassment to stop. XEDO continued to pester the peasant community, and even took a controversial step by re-imagined their stolen privacy videos and published in the form of innocentadult japanese cartoons. This caused a huge uproar among the peasant community as the other horny locals start downloading these videos illegally. Realizing that the published adult japanese cartoons could become a good money profiting opportunity, XEDO decide to charge horny locals who download their adult japanese cartoons illegally, by stealing their IP addresses, and exposing them in public, who turned out to be Singaporean nerds. The nerds cried foul, and organized a strike, along with the peasant community. Then MDMA comes out and declare that all adult japanese cartoons are banned, and it's for the country's own good. In conclusion, the whole XEDO issue spawned thousands of sensational money profiting news articles, millions of dollars funded by peasant community and charged nerds, more income for lawyers and judges, and hours of endless gossip among the aunties, uncles and the poor.
The Number One rap video, created by the most "original and creative" MDMA. It showed MDMA executives rapping about their jobs while prancing around their office wearing Superman costumes and pretending to be Indiana Jones, plainly skiving at their job. (Rated NC-16 for Bureaucrats Trying To Drop It Like It's Hawt, Some Coarse Language.)
A note from the Ministry of Dispensation of (In)Correct Information[edit | edit source]
This is Internet chatter and cannot be taken seriously, as it brings up no valid points about the current state of the Republic of Singapore. The words written on this page are all nonsense. We are secure in our right to rule. We have no time to debate this futile affair. There will be some idiots out there who will attempt to correct us, with defamation suits and all, but, like Lee Kuan Yew, this page is ETERNAL.
Also Can See[edit | edit source]
Singapore News Websites
- the Official News Website of Singapore
- A parody of Singapore News
- Singapore seen through Singaporean Eyes
- The Singapore Markets
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ especially the uneducated local peasant community