Remaking Singapore
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| |||||
| Motto: "$1000 FINE" | |||||
| National Anthem: Chan Mali Chan | |||||
| Capital | Governmentopolis 21 | ||||
| Official languages | Speak Good English Movement, Singlish, Melayu, Hokkien, Java | ||||
| Government Father Son Holy Goh President |
Single Party Democracy (Meritocracy) Lee Kuan Yew the Eternal Brig. Gen. Lee H L (MM Lee's elder son) Chok Tong (aka The Seatwarmer) Prata Nathan | ||||
| Independence Expelled from Malaysian Federation |
August 9, 1965 | ||||
| Area • Total • Water (%) • NEWater (%) |
Ranges from 1337 km² to 1447 km² 3.2% 75.5% | ||||
| Population • 2005 est. • Febutober 2002 census • Density |
4,356,124.64 4,182,243.77 1,734,624/km² (if you stack 'em really high) | ||||
| Currency | The Peanut (P$$). One Peanut is worth approximately S$600,000. | ||||
Remaking Singapore is the result of a high-level Government Committee (the now infamous Remaking Singapore Committee), formed in 1998, submitting an exhaustive list of recommendations and modifications to the Government for the "remaking" of Singapore into a hip, lively Global City. Through this plan, the Government hopes to disrupt the timestream and create an alternate dimension whereby Singapore has adopted most of the suggestions of the final report without delay, resulting in the global entrepolis-biopolis-fusionpolis that Remaking Singapore will become.
Singapore 21 - the ideal place to live & work, but don't play-play!
Geography[edit | edit source]
A truly global city in the literal sense of the word, the crustal foundations of Remaking Singapore were de-anchored from the Straits of Johor at great cost in 2001. The now-floating island is capable of travelling at up to 15 knots in calm seas, and spends most of its time shuttling back and forth between two locations: a great lake in northeastern China, and its original sheltered perch at the tip of the Malayan peninsula, where it remains safe from tsunamis to this day.
This unique arrangement allows ignorant and isolationist Americans to find Remaking Singapore in their oft-imagined fantasy land of China, and yet continues to remain accessible to other rich, geographically-aware Europeans (especially the British, with whom Remaking Singaporeans enjoy a special colonial relationship).
The land-area of Remaking Singapore ranges from 1337 km² to 1447 km², depending on a complex mathematical formula involving the time of the day, the Planck Constant, the level of the tides, and the colour of Oprah Winfrey's underwear, among other factors considered classified by the Remaking Singapore Government. The friendly Original Malaysians to the north often see the enlargement of Remaking Singapore in response to this algorithm as a vile threat to their sovereignty, and have twice threatened to retaliate by pushing Genting Highlands into the sea to expand their coastline.
Society and Culture[edit | edit source]
Remaking Singapore intends to forcibly encourage the happy uptake of Active Citizenry. Civilians are to be subserviant, but yet retain the passion and drive to discuss topics with the Authorities! Nothing against the Government of its interests (National Interests) must be said, typed or thought about!
History[edit | edit source]
The modern port-city of Singapore was founded by an alternate version of Sir Thomas Malthus Henrietta Raffles on the 19 October, 1817 as a colony of the British Empire, after signing an agreement with the Temenggong (Chieftain) of the nearby fishing village.
It is said that on his way to meet with the Temenggong, Sir Stamford Raffles and his entourage chanced upon an anonymous local woman who happened to be washing her clothes by the river. The strangely attired Europeans drew her curiosity, and as she watched them travel past, conversing amongst themselves in their strange European language. Suddenly, an Indian man sneaked out from behind the bushes, grabbed her clothes, and ran off into the jungle. When she realised that her laundry had been stolen, she yelled out, "Singh kapo! Singh kapo!" hoping to alert Raffles and his companions. The polite, but strange, Europeans were discussing what name to christen their newly founded port when they heard her melodic cries. And thus, the port of Singapore was named.
In his Colonialist Expansionist Imperialist Diary log entry, he writes, "I have todaye chanced upon a most wonderful island in a suitable location, and negotiated with the local Temenggong for us to colonise (he was British, after all) his peoples in perpetuity for a small stack of Chinese money. He seemed most pleased, especially after we finished the naval bombardment 21-gun salute of his village."
Fluent in the lingua franca of the Malay Archipaelago, Stamform Raffles wasted no time in negotiating additional concessions from the locals, and often his negotiating parties were ceremonially accompanied by 21-gun salutes from his large naval fleet stationed nearby offshore.
Over the years, the small port of Singapore grew quickly, through a policy of unlimited mass-importation of foreign talent. News of its world famous harbour soon became, in fact, world famous, and ships would take 5-year long detours just to sail past its magnificent harbour, where they would be unwittingly lured and trapped by the beautiful Merlion.
With the withdrawal of the London Brawl team from modern Major League Bloodbath in the 1960s, the rapidly developing port-city was aggregated with British holdings in South East Asia to form the independent Federation of Malaysia. Singapore would enjoy Federal protection for only 3 years however, as on the fateful day of August 9, 1965, the then Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew cried during a session of Federal Parliament, in which he later said was due to him being "bored to tears". The other Federal ministers considered this to be extremely distressing behavior, and swiftly voted 297.4 for, and 4t² against, to expel Singapore from the Federation.
Since its expulsion from the Federation, Singapore has vowed revenge against its northern neighbours, enacting laws targeted at Malaysian interests, such as the blanket ban on chewing gum (wiping out the main revenue source for the Malaysian rubber industry), as well as the construction of giant, robotic Merlions with lasers for eyes. Singapore also imports water from Malaysia for the price of 3 cents per 100 gallons, and then resells it back to the Malaysians for $2 per 10 gallons. This highly profitable deal, which has gone unnoticed by the Malaysians since its initiation in 1966, is the main source of income for the Singapore government, allowing it to keep corporate taxes amazingly low.
After the Amazing Asian Economic Explosion (A2E2) of 1997, however, the government realised that the plain old Singapore was becoming too predictable and mundane. In a bid to restore investor confidence and justify their 12-digit salaries, government officials formed the "Remaking Singapore Committee" and tasked it to find ways to remodel the highly efficient city state into an exciting global city, where everyone would want to live, work and play.
Politics[edit | edit source]
Remaking Singapore fancies itself as a democratic nation, with equal rights to all, flourishing of the arts, racial hoarmony and the continuation of the Lee Dynasty. Awwww for Pete's sake, could we have the martians back now?
Nuclear Plants[edit | edit source]
Uber Prime Minister Lee Kwan Yew has recently invited his son Lee Hsien Loong to work as the chief scientist in one of his numerous nuclear facilities. His son has gladly accepted the job, vowing that together father and son shall wipe Malay-siao (pronounced Malaysia) off the Earth. This has not been accepted well in Malay-siao. The then Prime Minister Mohammad, has called for Singapore's balls to be wiped off the planet. . Since 1997 he has somehow managed to survive seven assassinations.
Military & Uniformed Services[edit | edit source]
Always one to bear grudges, the then Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew immediately set about creating the Singapore Armed Forces (now renamed the Remaking Singapore Armed Forces, or RSAF) after his ouster from Original Malaysia. In a statement to appease Original Malaysia's security concerns and worries about a potential arms race, he declared that the mission of the "Singapore Armed Forces is to coerce, intimidate, antagonise all of South East Asia, and secondly, to defend ourselves." A high level ministerial retreat later added in the clarification, "through deterrence and diplomacy".
Becoming a part of the RSAF is based strictly on a volunteer-only policy. When males reach 18 years of age, they can choose either to swear allegiance to the Remaking Singapore Armed Forces, or be detained in solitary confinement in a 2m by 2m by 2m prison cell for all eternity. Current Defense Minister, Rear Admirable Dunking Teo Cheese Sian remarked in a speech in Septembary 2003, "Our volunteer policy has been hugely successful! I'm proud that all Singaporean men are so patriotic! So far only one able bodied man has chosen not to volunteer, and unfortunately he's now a disabled-bodied man of 48."
Currently, the RSAF is widely known and feared as the most powerful, whiz-bam-alakazaam, spiffy-little-thing in all of South East Asia. This is in part due to the efforts of the ST (Swakoo Technologies) group of companies, a government-owned enterprise in which the wife of the current Prime Minister Lee H L is the Chairperson. ST has extensively re-modelled existing American, French and British technology to create newer, more powerful equipment. The company's most notable improvements include modifying American F-16 Fighting Falcons to include greater leg room, a 180 degree lie-flat chair/bed in every cabin, personalised inflight entertainment and an individual air stewardess (the famous Singapore Girl) to attend to the pilot's every need. Other achievements include the 'Oldest French Tank STILL in Service Award', the design of the SAR 21 (Sucky Auto-jamming Rifle 21) and the development of the Robo-Merlion 2000 Missile Defence and Tourist Income Generation System (currently sited at Sentosa).
Singapore's Armed Forces can be subdivided into 3 categories, the Singapore International Airlines (also known as the Air Force in most Nations), the ARMY and the NAVY.
Singapore International Air-Lines (SIAL)[edit | edit source]
SIAL, not to be confused with a popular vulgar slang, has an enormous, highly advanced arsenal at its disposal. Most recently, in a collaboration with Australia, they have deployed into service a new AIRPORK technology. This AIRPORK technology essentially allows for the precision delivery of 1000 Megatons of pork to any location in Original Malaysia. Ammunition types include standard pork chops, molotov porktails (basically a burning roasted pork), pork floss and last but not least, live hogs infected with the Nipah porcine virus.
In addition to having the most uniquely powerful weapons [in the world, SIAL pilots have to undergo stringent tests to maintain the high standard of combat flight required of them. These tests are highly classified, but sources have revealed that one test includes trying to escape from a room full of gorillas with gigantic erections whilst in the nude.
On April 1, 2006, SIAL revealed that they were replacing their aging fleet of C-47s for 101 AirBus A380s. A SIAL spokesman elaborated ,"We want our soldiers to travel in style. Only with a stylish fleet oft transport planes then can we have a stylish Air Force." Other improvements include the introduction of air-conditioning and air stewarders to take care of the traveling soldiers' needs.
Army[edit | edit source]
The Army is the largest organisation of the RSAF. It consists mainly of ARMOR (Archaic Remnants of Medieval and Oriental Remains) units, but also include support elements such as the Infanteries (Child Care Centres), the Construction Engineers (replete with yellow safety helmets and reflective vests), and other specialised formations.
ARMOR (Motto: Swift and Decisive) forms the main bulk of fighting forces. Employing extensively ST-modified French AMX-13 tanks, re-christened the SM1s, (Senior Minister's Wan, at the time when Lee Kuan Yew was the Senior Minister, after having stepped down from the post of Prime Minister in 1991), ARMOR is able to strike fear deep into the hearts of our innumerable enemies. The SM1 has the ability to move at the break-neck speed of 1 kilometre per hour, because tests have conclusively proven that you will break your neck if you put it under the tracks of the tank moving at that speed. The SM1 is armed with the historically proven French basilisk cannon (Remember the long history of French military victories) and is known to be the most capable tank in its class (the class which consists of Rusty Metal Moving Parts Built Earlier Than 1970).
The Army is augmented by school Uniformed Groups, most notably the NCC (Never Clean Cocks Corps), and the PCC (Police Cadet Corps). The NCC and PCC form the student divisions of the Army. By enlisting the support of the entire student population of Singapore, the Army has effectively tripled its strength. Says Rear Admirable Teo Cheese Sian proudly, "the NCC and PCC are integral parts of the Army. They are just like soldiers - always dirty, pee never clean cocks. In fact, I'm particularly proud of the female members of the NCC. They're so hideous, they're able to make grown men cower in fear!"
[edit | edit source]
The Navy is responsible for the breeding, upkeep and deployment of the locally designed MERLION corvettes, a half-lion half-fish genetically modified creature. An accidental creation from Dr Philip Yeo's PAWNSTAR Biological Development Labotories, the MERLION looks like an animal born out of Chernobyl. Despite its looks, the MERLION is a formidable weapon. Basic attacks include Laser Beam Eyes, which inflict 100 damage at Level 1, 200 damage at Level 2, and 300 damage at Level 3. It also has a Tidal Wave attack, which involves the sucking in and then expelling of up to 60,000,000 litres of water, inflicting 900 damage to all heroes (Dr Madhatter, Abdullah Balderdash?) and 600 damage to all creeps (Malaysian only). The ultimate attack of the MERLION is the unrivalled TSUNAMI attack, where a whooping 10,000 damage is inflicted to all personnel around it. The TSUNAMI attack can only be trained when the MERLION is at level 6 or greater, and requires 280 mana to cast. Note: TSUNAMI attack also cripples all nearby Beach Resort industries.
A stationary robotic MERLION statue, the famous Robo-Merlion, stands watch over the safety of the Remaking Singapore harbour from its perch in Sentosa, equipped with turbolasers powered by tourist income.
On 5 December 2007, MINDEF announced the purchase of two Super-Star Virgo Cruise ships for "army use". It is believed that the ships will serve as motherships to the newly created "'3rd SAF Invasion of Malaysia Strike Force Command, to be fitted out with futuristic equipment like "DELTA Anti-
Ship Cruise Missile" and "Star Wars Laser Guided Self-Propelled Missile ". Also, the ships' swimming pool are to be used for the training of "Elite" frogmen . Besides that, a navy source revealed that the lifeboats (50 in total) were to be given to the Army "for the invasion of Malaysia" he claimed.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Many respectable physicists, in addition to finding the goals of Remaking Singapore hilariously unrealistic and nonsensically jingoistic, question the wisdom of disrupting the time stream for the sake of creating a more "hip" Singapore. These qualms, however, do not concern prime minister Lee Hsien Loong in the slightest, and as of 2006, is unrelenting in his position to possibly collapse the rational universe for the sake of bringing Singapore into the 18th century.