User:SWJS/Natalya Ivanova
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“It's like an enormous black hole of death, where the crab people from planet herpes live!”
“I want it to star in my new monster movie, "The diseased slut."”
“It is horny and dangerous! Protection is advised!”
“It wants to fuck me, I just know it!”
Natalya "whorebag" Ivanova (1950 - Present) was a sluttly hermaphrodite whore who was born during the rise of Darth Pox's Pimp Empire, in Russia. She was created by Bill Nye the Science Guy, and raised by Russian hobo Dick Fuckov. She has an extremely bad case of herpes, and Later, Dr. Robotnik was to discover the existence of eleven new human STDs, three of which were previously not thought to be contractible by humans. Robotnik then died ten seconds later, and his penis shrivled into beef jerky.
Natalya and You[edit | edit source]
Now, you, <insert name here>, may be asking, who is Natalya, and why would you want to know about her? The answer is you don't want to know about Natalya. As a matter of fact, you should leave this page immediately and go do something better with your life than sitting here and staring at a page about this bitch. Seriously, your head will Asplode! She'll steal your boyfriend. She'll rape your babies. Run! Run away before it's too late! Save Yourself! SAVE THE CHILDREN! I pity you, <insert name here>, you poor bastard.
Note- All or most of these characters in this article know, or have known they are part of a video game, and therefore spend most of their time trying to break the Fourth Wall and escape it, all except for the mentioned celebrities, who just happened to be in the wrong article at the wrong time. Those poor, rich fools.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Ivanova was initially created in a freak accident when Bill Nye the Science Guy tried to make himself a date. However, Nye accidentally spilled a vile of Chemical X into the giant mixing toilet, along with a bottle of contaminated semen. This ultimately created the world's biggest pile of shit, in the shape of a blonde with big boobs. Nye, working for United States dictator Gaydolf Titler during his dick enlargement experiment, took the pile of shit, and nursed it into a full grown it. When Natalya had started to go to the academy at the Kocky Gay Bastards(KGB), she was transferred into Siberia, where she froze her man boobs off, and caused mass panic among the dancing penguin men. Nye claimed himself as her creator and was hunted down and stoned by pot leaves. Natalya was then taken in by a Russian hobo named Dick Fuckov.
Adolescence[edit | edit source]
Growing up, Natalya had a severe sex addiction after she saw a "skeeter on her peter wackin off". This immediately caused Nayalya to become uncontrollably horny, and she raped Brittany Spears's head as she walked down the street, causing her hair to fall out. At this point, Natalya was considered to be a rapist freak of nature, thus clearing Michael Jackson's name, and throwing Natalya in prison. Natalya was later able to escape prison, when she realized rubbing her herpes on the bars made them dissolve. Natalya then escaped Siberia and fled to India, where she found Mowgli. They had a lot of sex, which made all of Mowgli's jungle friends very horny, so they chased Natalya off and raped Mowgli. They all cought Natalya's herpes and died. Natalya then fled back into Russia, and then to Moscow. Once there, she joined the Masturbating Movie Making clan, and starred in the Cocky Whore-or Picture Show, as the transvestite, which failed so miserably, that Simon Cowell liked it.
Membership at the KGB[edit | edit source]
When Natalya first joined the KBG, she was not worthy, and was sentenced to undergo the Seven Deadly Sexes: Missionary, Lotus, Butterfly, Cowgirl, Doggy, Axillary, and The Blowjob. Natalya passed when all of her trials' heads asploded, and was allowed to join. While in the potty training academy, she met her first boyfriend, Sir Gay, the queerless knight of the bondage table. They were inseperble, because they glued themselves together during Farts and Crafts, so they became a team. The the team thing was short lived, when Natalya became better at sex. Sir Gay asked her to leave, but she refused and he quit, like a big pussy. She was then promoted to be a full KGB member, and was sent on her first mission by the leader of Russia himself, Chuck Norris.
The Siberian Job[edit | edit source]
Natalya's first mission was to track down Rasputin, who was Norris's right hand crack distributor. The murderer had stolen the sacred and most treasured item of Russia- Rasputin's Penis. Natalya began the investigation by assfucking herself with every dildo she could find. When that failed and her ass became sore, and she nearly got arrested for stealing the world's population of rare Rasputin brand Dildos... Natalya then tried the method of DNA Finger fucking, but her own finger only showed up in the tests. After 5 minutes of searching, Natalya came across a Jedi wearing the prized Russian Item as a belt buckle. Natalya confronted the Jedi, whos name was Anarchist Spystalker, and repeatedly bitchslapped him to death. Natalya took the Penis and headed for KGB HQ. However, all of its magic sex powers rubbed of on Natalya, then disintegrated from the herpes. Being a Discrace to Russia, Norris exiled her to America.
Life In America[edit | edit source]
While living in America, in a hippie commune led by Coyote Shlongrubber, Natalya read about mysterious Aliens invading Earth. She found them, and stalked them. Darth Pox, who'd been send by his emperor, Mr. T, to find an all new pot leaf source to fuel his Pimp Empire, led the invasion. When Darth Pox had sent his number one Pimp, Crypto (nicknmed "The Mailman"), to a prison Island in Gay City called "The Cock" on a mission to steal cabbage from Agent Orangejuice, Crypto was ambushed and nearly shot, but Natalya saved him by leaping at the bullet and raping it. Natalya, shy at the time, fled the scene.
Natalya, The Mailman, and the Package[edit | edit source]
After Natalya saved Crypto, and stole Angent Orangjuice's instructions for a dildo made from fruits, she discovered plans for a mysterious project known only as Project Semen Spore. She confronted Crypto in Liverdrool, England, when some spores turned some Pirate DJs into mutated space lobster penises, called Blisk. One Blisk put in charge was named Jimbo, who actually was Natalya's first date, though, Natalya was quick to blow his mutated brains our for dumping her. (Who could blame him?) Once they had finished in Liverdrool, Natalya left for Tacoshmima, near Japan. There, after several fails from Crypto to seduce her, they found out that the KGB base of operations, was a volcano by the name of Mt. Shitfire. They managed to get inside the base, only to find out from a message left by Admiral Ackbar stating "It's a trap!". They found the documents from Project Semen Spore, and discovered that they had created a giant monster- Mozilla the mighty Firefox. They then managed to defeat the monster by throwing it in the ocean, and headed for Natalya's home town of Toungeuska in Siberia. Here, they discovered a downed Blisk Minivan and blew it up by busting a cap in the Gas Tank. They then find the USSR leader Chuck norris, stealing a rocket to fly to the full moon. It is here, in the crack of the full moon, they discover the PSS base of operations, and learned that it was the Blisk's plan to turn Earth into a giant strip club. In aid of the mission, Darth Pox developed a super weapon to fend of the Blisk- The Big Willy Mech. Controlling big willy, Natalya and crypto were able to hammer their enemies, and save the day. After this, Natalya slept with Crypto, and they fell in love.
The Empty Package[edit | edit source]
Their love didn't last long. It wasn't even real. Several years after their mission together, Crypto dumped Natalya on the streets, pregnant with their unborn baby, to continue his mission. Natalya, all by herself, living somewhere in Pittsburg, raised the baby and called him Blasto. Blasto hated his mother and father. Blasto started taking the roids at age 2, often eating them like candies. Luckily, being Natalya's flesh and blood, the pills couldn't make him any dumber. He hated his mother for being the first thing he ever saw, and his father fo being a neglectful asshole. He set out to kill his father, and nearly succeeded, if Natalya hadn't stopped them in battle. Crypto appologized, but it wasn't enough, because just before he left, Blasto threw a diseased tampon at Crypto and killed him.
The Mutant Nats[edit | edit source]
History and Growth[edit | edit source]
When Natalya's family split up and she was left alone, she began to go through menapause. Her powers began to kick in, and on that very day, Natalya ran out in the street and was hid by a speeding bicycle. She lay there in peices, but, she didn't die. Instead, her pieces grew legs, and began walking. This was the start of the horrible outbreak of Nat Pieces. The tiny mutant creatures ran wild all through Russia, spreading to Europe, and even going to the countries no one cares about, like Kockististan. To grow and multiply, the creatures would raid the crotches of any creature they could find.
The Resitance[edit | edit source]
A small Group of people from the Pandemic Forums formed a small resistance against the creatures, called The Resistance Fall of Man, which was codenamed "The Cure." The resistance was started by several, brave unknown warriors, whose efforts were good, but not enough.[1] Soon, all across the globe,
people began to fight back to defeat the spreading disease that Natalya itself had become, but with little hope. The infestation spread as men began to lose their nuts and were unable to fight. Even though times looked bleak, the people who started the resistance were ultimately the ones who figured out how to stop them- Polka Music. Quickly, they spread the word, and finally, the disaster had ceased. Some believed that some escaped and grew into new, fully grown Natalyas, contributing to monster sightings such as Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, and Swamp Thing.
Notable Resistence Members[edit | edit source]
The End of Natalya[edit | edit source]
You poor, pathetic, pitiful fool. There is no end, except yours. No matter how many times you squash it, run it over, shoot it, or mame it, it will always come back. It lurks in the deepest, darkest shadows, waiting for you. No matter how much we try, we will never be completely rid of it, but it's damn fun to blow it up. Natalya is insane and should be AVOIDED, unless you intend to blow her up.
Certificate of Insanity[edit | edit source]
It was legally proven in the court case DAH! fans v Natalya that Natalya is not mentally stable. Video was recorded of Natalya having a tea party with a Rosie O'Donnell cardboard cutout. The following excerpt was taken from Natalya's stolen Diary- Diary I fucking hate you! You stole my boyfriend! GOD I JUST WANNA KILL SOMEONE. I had so much fun today, I ate a honeysuckle, but it didn't taste like honey... Also I called my Ex-BF. God he was so hot... He tried to kill our son, who... is also really hot. I wonder if I hit that little hologram thingy of his, then candy would fall out... I wonder where my penis went, Oh look a puppy! It looks so sexy. I MUST HAVE SEX NAO! Yes, much sex... I just love my car, I like to kiss it and talk to it about the minstrayion cycle. I named it Hawt Pinkie XD. Well, um... I think thats all I have to say, like, I can't think anymore... BYE!
You've seen the evidence. This thing should be avoided at all costs. We would say put her down, but she can't die... Unless she got shot into the sun, but then it might go out. Do you have a suggestion? No? You bastard, you've killed us all!
Natalya's Vagina[edit | edit source]
There are some who journeyed inside, and barely lived to tail the tail. It has been said that Natalya's Vagina sucks in all light and nothing can escape the deadly abyss. It is also extremely toxic on the inside. Traces of high levels of radiation and urine were also discovered inside, and it is said that touching anything inside will immediately cause you to have Super Cancer.
Items Discovered inside[edit | edit source]
- Your Penis
- The lost city of Atlantis
- The E.T. Game Cartrages
- Dick Cheney's private armory
- My Car Keys
- The entire collection of uncut Spaceballs movies.
- Your Virginity
- Fort Knox
- That sock from your dryer
- The Human Genome Project
- The Lost Mayan Civilation
- El-Dorado, city of gold
- Pluto
- Bill Gates Secret Stash
Her Ex-Husband[edit | edit source]
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Trivia[edit | edit source]
Fact[edit | edit source]
- Jesus hates anything involved with Natalya.
- Natalya is the only thing Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin will not cure.
- Natalya is not of this earth.
- She can have sex faster than the averadge slut.
- Her boobs have, magic rubber powers.
- She is naturally blonde.
- She has hairy lips.
- I have literally seen prettier things in Dick Cheney's toilet.
- She is actually the worlds biggest turn off.
- John Travolta has said "Oh My God" every time he ever looked at Natalya.
- She was the only thing Saddam Hussein was afraid of.
Fiction[edit | edit source]
- Natalya is a good thing.
- There are people who actually like her.
- Playboy wants her to pose.
- Playgirl wants her to pose.
- You like Natalya
- The Children Are Safe
References[edit | edit source]