User:PF4Eva/UnNews:Orange soda tax championed; Kel commits suicide
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
18 September 2009
CHICAGO, Illionois — A proposed tax on the beloved beverage known as orange soda, championed by many health experts worldwide, has lead to at least one death. Authorities found 31-year-old Kel — an outspoken orange soda enthusiast, formerly of All That, Kenan and Kel, and the 1997 comedy masterpiece Good Burger — dead from an overdose of his favorite pop. His family and friends had tried contacting him for the past three days, but to no avail. Police found what appeared to be a suicide note, but its contents have yet to be disclosed.
"We’re still looking into it.," says Officer Duncan. "We are investigating this unfortunate death as a suicide. Kel was a very talented young man, but his orange soda addiction really got the best of him."
Kel was born Kel Mitchell on August 25, 1978. When he was 16, he landed his breakthrough gig as a cast member on Nickelodeon’s groundbreaking sketch-comedy series All That, creating such memorable characters as Ed from Good Burger, Coach Kreeton, Lump Maroon, Butterboy, Clavis, Okra, and Repairman (man, man, man), among many others. His success, and chemistry with fellow cast member Kenan Thompson, led to the duo getting their own show in 1996 entitled Kenan & Kel. They continued to work on both shows concurrently until they left All That in 2000, only to be replaced by an unfunny Mexican named Gabriel Iglesias. Kenan & Kel was subsequently canceled in 2000 due to high ratings, salary negotiations, the duo becoming of age, and Kel’s out-of-control addiction to his beloved orange soda — "Three bottles a day!" says friend, producer, frequent collaborator, Good Burger’s Mr. Baily, and fat guy Dan Schneider. Kel also starred without Kenan in the 1999 blockbuster, Mystery Men, as Invisible Boy.
Thompson and co-star Dan Frischman, who played Rigby’s owner Chris Potter, had urged Kel to seek rehabilitation, and he finally agreed after a bitter confrontation at Nickelodeon Studios at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida. He spent the next three months locked up at the Betty Ford Center for Soda Addicts and stayed sober for five years. Once he got clean, he was offered a job hosting a dance show called Dance 360, but orange soda once again knocked on his door and his tough-as-nails addiction led to his being fired and the show’s cancellation after just three episodes in 2006.
After the show’s cancellation — and many failed attempts to join his old friend Kenan as an SNL cast member — Kel’s soda addiction only grew worse. Thompson was landing roles in Fat Albert and Snakes on a Plane, while Kel was stuck in mediocre crapfests such as Like Mike 2. Kel had faded into obscurity — except for reuniting with Thompson, Josh Server, and Danny Tamberelli for the All That 10th Anniversary Reunion Special in 2005.
Kel, struggling with his addiction, was devastated when he found out about a proposed tax on soda beverages. He went into a deep, dark depression as more and more health experts championed the tax. He strongly opposed the tax by appearing in a string of public service announcements and campaign ads, paying out of pocket from the residuals he had earned from All That and Kenan & Kel reruns on The-N Channel. But he didn’t have much luck persuading anybody.
UnNews has managed to reach the following people for comment:
“When we were doing All That, we would have to stop rolling every five minutes so that he would take a sip of orange soda. Five minutes! Five minutes!”
“Kel was an inspiration to me. OMG! He! Dropped the screw! In the tuna!”
“His comedy performances made my pimple go away after many failed attempts.”
“De qui est ce Kel que vous parlez? Je n'ai jamais entendu parler de n'importe quel Earboy. Je crois que vous avez m'a confondu avec H. Ross Perot. Ne pas m'ennuyer, et me permettre de faire mon travail, mon connard! [Translation: Who is this Kel you speak of? I have never heard of any Ear Boy. I believe you have me confused with H. Ross Perot. Don't bother me, and let me do my work, asshole!]”
“It is unfortunate that Kel’s addiction got the best of him. He really did have a future as bright as his soda.”
“If you’re still alive, then you’re better off than me!! Cheese! Pork! Pants!!!!”
“This is quite a shock. I honestly don't know what to say, except DON'T DRINK SO MUCH STINKIN' SODA! MAN!”
“He was very fun to work with, so fresh, so funny, so spontaneous, so full of life. He was also the reason I grew to loathe orange soda.”
“This should teach the younger people a lesson about the dangers of orange soda. Kel was a dear friend to me, always fresh, always funny. This is such a shocking loss. While I certainly don't condone the consumption of soda pop beverages, I do strongly oppose this tax they are proposing on it. It’s ridiculous. Why the fuck would anybody wanna do this? Oh, and be sure to watch my unfunny shows on Nickelodeon.”
“Kel and I had a very close relationship. He was a dear friend to me, almost like a brother. I did everything I could to curb his addiction. But orange soda is a tough habit to break. As is getting your only paychecks from doing voiceover work on Clifford on PBS. I will miss Kel dearly. Aww, here it goes.”
Funeral or memorial services are not yet known, but Nickelodeon and its sister networks will air a three-week marathon of the two shows and the movie Good Burger in Kel’s honor. Each year, three in every 20 million people die from an orange soda overdose.
“Hey, Clavis! Wake up! The article's over!”
“[Waking up] Oh yeah, kick it!”
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Roger Rockmore "Orange soda drinkers targeted in proposed new tax" Kentucky Post, September 17, 2009
- Kenan Rocksteinburgerson "Kel Mitchell death" Orange Soda Weekly.com, September 17, 2009
