User:Master Chief/Na h-Eileanan Siar

Na h-Eileanan Siar

“ No bad... Yourself”

– Donald Trump on Stornoway

“Come for the pastry, stay for the black pudding”

– Oscar Wilde on Stornoway

“Where's Stornoway again?”

– Editor of 'The Stornoway Gazette' on Stornoway

“Thats what she said”

– 78% of the Western Isles replying to the question, What is your view on the state of the Western Isles transport system?

Stornoway
Motto: "Why do the English keep coming here?"
Civic anthem: No Barsh on my fone
State	Scotland
Official nickname	Poland Jr
Official language(s)	Swearing, Violence, Swedish, Gaelic
Mayor	33 degree freemason
Established	1922 by Snoop Dogg
Re-Established	1858
Re-Re-Established	2007
Currency	Bible Pages, Class A Drugs
Opening hours	None (signed on)

Stornoway Town Centre.

Na h-Eileanan Siar (Hebridiski) is an archipelago of at least two islands off the East coast of America (several miles away). They used to be called the Western Isles and a few old people still call them by that name. The arechepelego lie 2 miles north of Stornoway. Most tourists will often call them the Western Hebrides, or the hee-brides in classic tourist pronunciation thinking that it should sound like East Kilbride in Strathclyde). Most people (those not incomers from Yorkshire) speak Gaelic and never go near the mainland. The capital city is Steornabhagh with an estimated population of 133 (300 polish) in summer and 7 (400 polish) in winter. A staggering 67% of people on the island are believed to be called Donald Macleod.

About the Region

English tourists at Traigh Niosabost, Stuck in Harris after looking for a open shop and run out of petrol on a Sunday.

The Isles are soon thought to be voted "Most undesirable place to live in the universe" and are expected to triumph over Iraq, Tatooine,Liberty City and the Nicolson Institute (which came top!!!).

The only modernised area in the Western Isles is the district of Point on the Isle of Lewis. Point is the modern Scottish equivalent to Alcatraz. A small stip of land joins Point the the rest of Lewis, this area is guarded 24hrs a day by armed guards, dogs, and fanatical religious Niseachs preventing prisoners and cearnies from contaminating the. On a side note the island is now a much more pleasant place since the Nieachs all relocated to the Point/Lewis border. Before their life had been given this new meaning they resorted to heckling local Youths, individuals belonging to any other religeon, anyone who thought any different to them and Cats into "following the light or remaining Satanists".

The top bit of the area used to be in Ross-shire (or Siorrachd Rois) and the collection of isles were once the one large island before Barra broke away to avoid the CYT of Stornoway who can't get there on a Sunday. The Isle of Harris is still connected to Lewis by land but for some reason claims to be a separate island, possibly because it has all the hills, and many lewis folk hate to be classed the same as Harrisfolk 'sheep shaggers' The rest was part of Inverness-shire (or Siorrachd Inbhir Nis). Rossshire and Invernessshire are commonly mis-spelled...as is Na h-Eileanan Siar. The islanders find great amusement at this.

People of other areas of Scotland often label the residents of Na h-Eileanan Siar 'sheepshaggers', a term which most of the locals find insulting, degrading and patronising. Said one local: "the bond between a man and his sheep is a very special spiritual relationship of which sexual intercourse is only a small part." [translated to English from the original Gaelic].

And many of the Lewis folk label the residents of Harris are labeled as these 'sheep shaggers'.

The principal import of Na h-Eileanan Siar is overenthusiastic tourists, and the main export is disgruntled tourists who complain bitterly about the weather and the lack of civilization. Na h-Eileanan Siar is thought to make "more than the combined GNP of the world" with this transformative service.

Civil services

Electricity was only recently introduced to the area. The plan was carried out without too many major injuries. So successful was this move, and such a boost to the morale of the 'Siarachs', that it is regularly deintroduced and then reintroduced, especially when the weather is bad. The Comhairle described how the moment he discovered electricity: "It was like a lightbulb in my head suddenly lit up."

It has been reported that there is a local radio station for the area. This has not yet been verified. Even BBC Radio Nan Gaidheal, Stornoway's favourite station is recorded in Glasgow.

The Royal Mail does not operate in the islands. Instead inhabitants still use messenger pigeons although after the recent Harry Potter films, Snowy Owls appear to be the latest new craze. Dumbledore has cast a simple "camouflaging charm" on these birds however, creating a small and fragile illusion of Royal Mail presence in the most insular place in the universe.

History

Before the 9th century, they were part of Norway but King Christopher Lee II of Scotland took them home on the X76 bus when the Norse weren't looking. It is understood that Norway is still unaware of the theft. Pwned. Northern Constabularly commented in the following way: "Tha gu math, tapadh leibh."

In 1902, an alcohol prohibition was introduced after a local man from Tomair, Balallan was charged with mortally intoxicating his other half. The sheep was laid to rest on Cnoccoirachdubh in Keose, later changed to Cnociandubh (translated Knockiandue) after a death of a idolized raven. A few minutes later on after the law had been passed, the prohibition was lifted however after the locals sobered up and complained of: "Still being stuck on that fecking island."

Religion

The Islands are renowned for having a strongly religious culture. In the 2001 census, a staggering 97% of islanders said their religion was jedi. The remaining 3% did not know how to fill out the form. There are jedi temples located all over the island, most notably across from the police station in Stornoway. Many gang wars have been fought in this historic battle ground, with some wicked lightsaber action.

(Despite the high percentage claiming to be Jedis', many of whom secretly revealed to follow the Mormon religion. This has sometimes caused mainlanders/outsiders to laugh as a speech impediment of a silent M when saying Mormon within the local in-breeding causes the locals to say they follow the Moron way of life instead.)

• Tom Cruise founded Scientology on a walk in Barvas one Sunday morning as a joke.

• Allah holidays in Lochboisdale and can often be seen skinny-dipping in the Minch.

• The Right Reverend Iain Paisley has been denied access to the islands after insisting on taking his top off on the Uig-Tarbert ferry, causing a tsunami of vomit to wash away the Eastern third of Harris (Trivia: The ferry in question, "Hebrides" survived the vomit wave - such is CalMac's wish to have no expense spared).

Transport

Togalach-uidhe sia, Port Adhair Barraigh (Terminal 6).

Getting to Na h-Eileanan Siar has frequently been described as 'difficult'. This means that locals can go months at a time without milk, bread or their traditional Heinz spaghetti hoops.

Ferries run to the larger islands on average two-thirds of a time per week. It was, in the ancient past, possible to get to the Isle of Skye by an edifice known as the Skye Bridge, but that was destroyed in 1263 by King Haakon of Norway, as an act of revenge for Na h-Eileanan Siar not returning the Huey Lewis and the News CDs they had borrowed from Norway.

Barra's airport, one of Scotland's most famous airports is surprisingly built on a beach, after HIAL complained that Barra was too far away to carry the concrete for a runway. This is particularly troublesome at high tide when many British Airways customers are said to have drowned.

Some of the ferries which travel to the Islands are over twenty years old and show it. Look at the signs in the 'lounge' (what a joke!) of the 'Righ nan Eilean', which read "LIFEJACKETS UNDER SEATS", have a look under the seats, why don't you - if I were you, I'd make sure I'd get near a lifeboat, because if she goes down, the minch sharks will get you and you will be screwed.

Attractions

The Screen Machine had to make some cutbacks last year.

A mysterious blue van which magically transforms into a cinema that keeps appearing around the place, providing na h-Eileanan Siar with a roll of film portraying what happens in the world on the mainland. So amazing, it has inspired the world of cinema to film the eagerly awaited Transformers the Movie. However, it keeps disappearing all of the time. Much is the demand for the Screen Machine that it only lasts for a day before being stolen.

Northern Constabulary have had several reports of this large unmissable trailer in various small communities around the Highlands and Islands (last seen on St Kilda) but keep finding that the thieves have moved it again by the time the police arrive on the scene. Because of this, films can only be shown on a yearly basis. The Screen Machine aims to provide the community with a schedule full of fresh and exciting new groundbreaking hollywood and local cinema. However, taking into account the length of time it takes to get the lorry from Ullapool over to the isles, the schedule may appear slightly outdated (a decade or so maybe, give or take).

• An Lanntair (pron. Cunnigulus, translated as The White Settlers Club) art centre is a new adition to the crowded Stornoway Strip. It offers a range of activities including:

• Second choice artworks such as papier maché sheep, knitted stuffed animal sheep and modern art depicting naked people, who are sheep.

• State of the art studio space and teaching facilities, exclusively available to all local artists under the age of twelve - local artists over the age of twelve will have access to facilities one day, possibly, maybe if another art centre is ever built, 'cos they forgot what an art centre actually is when they built this one.

• A concert hall for the local gangster rap groups who also perform at the Battle of the Bands held in the town hall once a century.

• A cinema with a 32inch LCD screen similair to those found in the nearby electronics shop. Islanders can see all of the latest blockbuster films just ten years after they were released just in time to coincide with their special edition DVD releases.

• A bar where you can order the finest island drinks (like vodka and wine) for bargain prices (£5 for a shot of whiskey).

• A restaurant (HS1) where they take your food off you when you're not even finished, and sometimes never give you some items(e.g. a bowl of tomato soup). Friday nights at HS1 is Coyote Ugly theme night so go in there and ask for water.

• The Clachan Bar - a local family pub where everyone knows your name. They have no cubicles or sinks in the men's toilets. This encourages togetherness.

• The Caledonian "Caley" Bar - a local youth club for "Schoolies" - 14-17 year olds. Grab a good seat on a Friday night for a good view of the boxing matches between locals.

• Lews Castle - a local historic landmark built in the 19th Century by the first generation of Polish migrants. The castle is made entirely of dyed sheep bones and currently houses Lewis' finest antique, the first ever sheep sheerer.

• Sandwick Cottage - an open museum where eastern Europeans, from areas such as Latvia, Lithuania and Azerbaijan, are paraded on show to the locals for only £5 entry. Visitors are able to see the "attractions" live their everyday lives confined within the house and the owner "Jim Jim" is waiting on his planning permission application being accepted to include an Asian-wing. (If passed, all "attractions" are expected to fill posts in Summerfield.)

• A Weekly bus demolition derby by many of the island's opposing transport factions, two of which being Galson motors and Lochs Motors

• Walls - these facilities can be found all over the island and are a perfect place to rest your head after a pub crawl

• Bins - oftern used by local pissed folk to piss in

• Stornoway Air(S)oft - The only place where you can shoot fuck out of gits and not have to face the consequences the day after (Which has now closed, but the boys plan to get it up again against the wishes of that inbred, redneck council- praise be to them for this insurrection).

Upcoming Developments

• The re-opening of Lionel Stores Inc. Now sell soap, Water and the introduction of bread.

• The introduction of analogue television

• The best games console out at the moment - the Atari

Thats about it at the moment, yourself.

Famous People

• Sheilagh M. Kesting, first woman minister to be nominated to be Easter Bunny.

• Alexander MacKenzie, someone who once got lost in on a rafting trip in Canada; having a giant ego, he named the river after himself.

• Anne MacKenzie, BBC Telletubby puppeteer.

• Hans Matheson, played the title role in Granada's £8.5m serialisation of Boris Pasternak's novel, Doctor Zhivago,for which he won a golden globe and bafta; now stacking shelves in Somerfield.

• Death, A well praised part of the island's heritage. Death has two reasons that Lewis is his favourite holiday resort. To keep the Free Church scared and to be talked about by every member of the elderly community in the style of "did you hear old John Angus died". Death is also known for inviting every local to every funeral and 'forgetting' to have that chat with the Dawn Patrol. Everyone loves Death.

• Mark Spawn, well the name says it all as he is the Spawn of the devil but damn is he one sexual hunk! usually seen 'pretending' to be a nutter, mark is the islands BIGGEST attraction.

• Campbell Morrison, world famous lumberjack related to Iain ('Morag') Wayne and Jim Morrison (inventor of PC operating system to rival Microsoft's Windows - the Doors).

• Donald Trump, Most famous person ever to be named after a fart; his mother came from Tong, a village four miles from Stornoway named after a revolting English delicacy.

• Red, Stornoway is well known for its high alcohol consumption rate. What people aren't aware of, is that Red is the only person who ACTUALLY drinks alcohol in Stornoway. Recognisable by his red face and trademark limp with walking stick, Red is living proof off the strength off the weathered highland men. It is well known that when alcohol is unavailable Red will quench his thirst with babies and tractor fuel.

• Satan, "The devil is always at your door." - And some stingy buggers only give him them shit peanuts you get from the supermarket. Regardless of his Halloween is coming dialogue.

• Boireadan, Gaidhlig speaking journalist who travels around Scotland learning the different cultures such as pregnant dundonian teenagers, real life trains and actual roads with lines in the middle. These findings are then reported back to Stornoway Gazette HQ on Goat Island. Boireadan's favourite cuisine is "buntata rost agus caise geal". Some of Boireadan's memorable catchphrases are:

"Coig ard!" "Gle math!" "As an taigh!" "Tha sin uabhasach taistach!" "Dun da chab mebain jew mhor, abhail thu a'gairidh mo cleiban dubh mhor ans a chab!"

Rivals

The main enemies of the Islanders are Shetland and Orkney

A gang war has been announced in our latest headlines. The Cearns Youth Team have declared war on the Dunoon Youth Team. Locals are terrified as high numbers off bebo assualts, bebo stealth attacks (bebo mail), bebo tags, and bebo threats are expected. Possible name calling (bebo unrelated) is also possible but unlikely.

Even worse than expected. Threating, nay terrifying songs have been created.

"Play with your toys, Play with a knife, Play with the Cearns boys, AND YOU PLAY WITH YOUR LIFE!!!"

Adapted Version

"play wit the Back Street Boys, Play wit a surgical knife Play wit the Ceans Boys, While im playing wit your Wife

Bebo Version

"PLAY WITH A BAT PLAY WITH A KNIVE PLAY WITH US CYT BOYZ AND WE'LL PLAY WITH UR fukin LIFE"

Elderly ladies have been reported as just dying in the street from fear.

Reports of seagulls attacking certain gangmembers have been coming into our station. One member has apparently had his hair attacked by a big load of seagull shit. This gang member will usually be seen with a white stripe down the side of his head (ALi) surrounded by fellow members all wearing identical trackies.

Traditions

A common tradition in Na h-Eileanan Siar is where fathers drop their sons in the middle of the minch, and if they manage to swim back to Lewis they are awarded a can of Vimto. So far, 0 persons have managed this task.

Isles F.M. (The plague of 103FM)

Isles FM is the result of an April Fools day prank. Why it still exists, I dont know.

The independent local radio station that covers the Western Isles - well at least they say they do..... the southern isles still do not get coverage: lucky them!

It is without a doubt the best radio station in Scotland, it is run by volunteers and those middle-aged newcomers that moved to the island - who cannot be arshed getting out and finding a proper job. As they have made a tidy profit from their property down south. Also they played Rainmaker by Iron Maiden once, so they aren't all bad.

Then there are the goddamn adverts, the majority are in an English accent or a in false English accent put on by one of the locals. The adverts have been on the same loop for the last 3 years playing the same old boring crap over and over again - the only decent advert is the "Lewis Crofters" which is read out by the blonde bird from North Tonight. recently, the producer of the "south sea islands" ad has been sent to a maximum security prison to be tortured for 10 years.

"Pets Corner" is another feature of the station - presenters read out info on lost or found pets, this is read out too bloody frequently, why can't they just go to the SSPCA or what ever the hell you call it, actually it would be better if the vet had a section for lost animals- then locals wearing wellington boots two sizes too big could phone in and ask if their missing sheep or goats were found. However it could be because of the huge "demand" from the Cearns Youth Team, who enjoy calling the owners of missing cats with the hugely hilarious line: "The dug's shitin' furballs again"

Donnie Saunders, the most "influential" out of the lot of sad acts in Isles FM has just managed to find himself an actual job in the more famous area of Stornoway.... The Whalers, now known as The Carlton, but it will remain as The Whalers to all the 12 year olds who go in every Friday night and get plastered. Just recently "The Carlton" referred itself to a family bar...seriously...its a shit hole of a bar!

Also known for their complete ineptness at reading out the news without stuttering, following any sentence structure and mispronouncing names and place names, the local dj's are surprisingly more guilty of this crime against humanity.

Western Isles Media

The Hebridian used to be another local newspaper which reported on various goings on of the isles. Seen as a rival for the Stornoway Gazette, it was eventually bought out when it realised that, due to Michael Mackay moving away to Glasgow for University, they had nothing else to report on.

Beware that upon buying the Gazette with intent to read it, that you will be subjected to at least 24 windfarm related pieces. 90% of which on the paper's single letter page. If your letter does not conform to set rules (consisting of either making reference to wind power, the almighty Church, an occasional note regarding mainland Scotland or actually being sent from the mainland, yes even Wales ) then you can expect a cursory email with a game show sound effect (the negative ones) attached as an mp3, but that's only if they've got staff manning the HQ that day. Otherwise, its up to Jesus to decide which stuff gets in.

The Gazzete has also been noted for its bad spelling especially in regards to the sports section and names. Mark McGee will often be spelt Micheal McGee or even Bugsy on some occasions. Also Manus, will become MaGnush, Magnoosh, Manoosh and many other mispellings. But chin up Gazzete, well played and we did our best means EVERYTHING!!!

The Gazette letters page always makes for an interesting read. People voice the same opinions week in, week out about windfarms/sunday sailings despite most of the people writing in living somewhere like Shrewsbury; "I went to Lewis once and I would be outraged if windfarms/sunday sailings ruined/enhanced the scenery/way of life" is a typical letter you can expect to read.

Despite recent bad press, the Gazette has received a lot of praise from readers about it's newest journalist Boireadan. Boireadan's article findings on the "proper techniques of sheep sheering" still to this day holds the record for selling most papers and has propelled him to celebrity status among the locals.

Football Clubs

Wisla Krakow Stornoway are an amateur football team located on the Isle of Lewis.

The team was founded on January 16th 2008 by Jan Wankovski the ambassador for the rapidly increasing Polish population. WKS are temporarily groundsharing with the recently bankrupt Point FC at the Charles Macleod Stornoway Black Pudding Park, Garrabost.

The club have released plans for the new £900M Warsaw Stadium,scheduled to open in August 2020 which will have a capacity of approximately 8,000 Seats. The proposed stadium will be built on Springfield Rd where the Nicolson Institute and CNES buildings are currently located.

The club have been granted permission to play in the Lewis and Harris 2008-2009 season.

• Owner - Jan Wankovski
• Chairman - Charlie Nicholson
• Manager - Graham Rix (Verbal Agreement)

The Police Force

The Police "force" of the Western Isles is a culmination of the retards and rejects of the Northern Constabulary Police division. The only thing they are good at is catching residents with the speed gun by hiding in ditches, curb crawling, drink drivers or checking bars and social gatherings to annoy and harass the local youth about information that they may want. The entire force has now become corrupt due to lack of any significant crimes and are involved in the transportation of Columbian drugs to the mainland of Scotland, the drugs land on the west side of Lewis from South America and make a swift journey to Stoer Point, Sutherland via Port Na Giuran, Point, on the Isle of Lewis.

The remaining officers now wander about on weekend nights making sure that the local drunks do not urinate anywhere, seeing as how the 20p toilets are always broken and it's a crime to urinate anywhere else, no matter how far you go out of your way not to disturb anyone. This crime is considered far worse than any fight, stabbing or breach of the peace and therefore is number one priority for the local force. The "police" also make a habit of hunting down those 'clann a latha an duigh' who drink at the weekend, and seem more concerned about a 16 year old with a beer than anything important, such as the Polish brothel where many of the constabulary frequently visited while 'on duty'. Their is an appropriate anagram of one of the most corrupt of these officers 'masonic jerk'

A measure of the sheer incompetence shown by the "force" can be derived when one considers that two adult rams were allowed to rampage through Stornoway back in '86, the Vice City heydays. Now, fearsome as these beasts can be when looking for methods to utilise their sperm banks and become father to say, forty different lambs a push- they are nothing in comparison to the rhinocerous, a colour-blind bull or the NYPD. But could the "force" muster the 8 manpower team (tops) that preventing the raging male sheep from continuing on their agenda would have taken? No. After disrupting multiple traffic lanes, smashing numerous church windows and (if rumor has it) delaying the Caledonian Macbrayne ferry from setting sail, this incident is one of the premier reasons the island stays in the Bronze Age, right to this very day. And its all the long arm of the Law's fault.

For an example of the trivial and somewhat mind-boggingly crap crimes which cause charges to be tatooed on the rears of local neds who spend a total of 6 months (or more likely than not pay a minute fine) in the Inverness Gaol (that's if Stornoway's holding cells aren't strained) please refer to the Gazette. You're likely to read a whole page on Lithuanian immigrant felonies but there you go.

However, recently there has been a big clamp down on crime. Mr Bean has been spotted in the area walking the beat intimidating troublesome youths with his trademark blank stare and "im intrigued" demeaner. This un-nerves and confuses possible felons to the point it's leaving them scratching their heads with both hands. This off course means thay have no free limbs for graffiti, spray painting and there happy slappy ball tickling escapades. A smart and unconventional step forward for the local force.

Unfortunately he's primarily stationed in Ness.

Western Isles Facts

• The island is run from a masonic lodge.

• In the 2001 census, 93.44444% of islanders admitted to fondling a sheep at some point in their life. The other 6.6666666% were the illiterates.

• The Russian Mafia use the Baltic Bookshop to launder their money. On Tuesdays you can see Pavel serving at the counter.

• The percentage of dual male ear-rings has risen by 100% since 2005.

• The Nicolson Institute is currently home to the least intelligent children in Europe (apart from the whole of Dundee, which is not an achievement to be proud of); in Spain, there is even a police-dog school with smarter pupils.

• If you say Mac an t-Sronaich in the mirror five times, he'll appear behind you and have a chat about local issues

• The Isle of Lewis is stuck in a time loop, on the 1st April 1976. Whether they will escape it is not known.

• South Uist dissappeared in 2002. In 2007 there was a sighting nearby the Canary Islands.

• The influx of Polish immigrants has resulted in hyper-inflation which has forced Comhairle Nan Eilean-Siar to use potatoes as a form of currency. £1 = 2.47 potatoes.

• Due to half the population of Poland moving to Stornoway for work, Poland's national football matches will be played at Goathill, Stornoway.

• Even church is banned on a Sunday.

• 1 in 2 women on Lewis are hairdressers. 1 in 20 have some form of hairdressing qualificaton

• There are not enough women on the island, and the Sun newspaper proved this. Men have nothing better to do than drink and play with their tractors and use chat-up lines such as "Get your wellies, you've pulled!". This statistic was backed up by local hotties on the wall opposite the Clachan.

• The fossilised body of a wooly mammoth was found in the Creed, which was later identified as Red, who had staggered out one nite in winter and was frozen by the cold harsh lewis weather

• A recent survery found that 75% of residents in Stornoway have less than 5 GCSE/Standard Grade qualifications. The main reason for this is thought to be the large amount of different cultures such as travellers (gypsies near the dump), religious organisations, the English invasion and, of course, the terrifying Polish peasants.

• Typing 'Redtube' into google on the school computers is not a wise move friends, however, the technicians have an average response time of 2.7 years in the breaking of netiquette.

• In late 1787 Point tried to breakaway from the rest of the Island, but as usual, the Rudhach's endeavours ended in epic failure. All rebels were caught and slain by Dolly the sheep's great grandfather Campbell at dusk the following day outside the whaler's rest.

• Uncyclopedia has been banned from the Nicolson Insititute's computers as a result of this page.

• Everyone living in the Outer Hebrides is there as punishment for something they did in a previous life.

• Cearnies have found shellsuits and are now more feared than ever. While keeping up with fanshion, with their seagull effect hair

• The people of Tolsta can be killed only with a silver bullet.

• In Tolsta there is a tribe of Witchs who can only be spotted on a full moon hunting down the local cats and dogs.

• Balallan holds the Guinness world record for most uprisings against the local police. The station has been burned to the ground a total of five times only to be rebuilt. Sadly the Taxi-driver's house next door has always been spared of fires.

• Cearnies have now realised adding the term "Youth Team" (CYT) on the end of their name, they are now far more intimidating and even hearing the name strikes fear into everyone on the island.

• You only truly realise how much you should never return to the island after uni when you head off to start your degree. Unless you are disabled in some way mentally. In which case, return. And fester. Idiot.

• And you can actually return to your childhood, in a sense, upon reaching middle age generally. Just don't go to Lewis. In comparison, all the other islands actually make for good tourist spots and aren't just in an unfathomably gigantic state of indecision. Besides, if you did go to Lewis, you might be fooled into thinking that its 1968, rather than 2032.

• Osama Bin Laden is currently hiding out in the room above Pronto Pizzas, and is often seen cleaning prontos in the morning. He has taken the identify of a islander, and responds to the name Joe.

• Lews Castle College contains a higher percentage of masons than the rest of the Western Isles.

• Scotland was named in the 11th century after the first Alba stereo was created. Neighbouring countries are usually calling telling them to "keep the noise down".

• Harris is the world's leading inbred capital of the world with 93% being related, closly followed by Lewis with 92%.

• Melbost is gaidhlig for failure

• The people of Lewis are known for having little or no imagination due to the monotonous lifestyle of their native island. Because of this, they ran out of ideas for what to name their children back in the 1930s. As a result, most boys are called Murdo, Donald or Kenneth. If a girl is born, the parents just add '-ina' to the end (Murdina, Donaldina, Kenina) because it takes too much brainpower to give them an original name.

• Contrary to popular belief, the area of Point was not always a peninsula. Many years ago, its inhabitants were so sick of having to share land with 'townies', who were usually ridden with diseases and listening to crappy dance music, that they tried to forge a channel between Point and the rest of the island. Unfortunately, when their endeavour was almost complete and only a thin piece of land joined the two, a 'White Settler' in a yellow mac and wellies came up from Kent and demanded that all parts of the island be connected so that they could drive from one of their many properties to the other without having to pay those pesky fees for the ferry.

• Possibly due to an influx from Glasgow, the ned population of the island has increased 400% since 2006. This is most evident in the Nicolson Institute, where 95% of the students wear white shellsuits, trackies tucked in to sucks and smoke toy cigarettes they buy from the Events shop on Cromwell Street. Their drink of choice is PETROL, and they enjoy any music that lowers your IQ upon hearing it (ie dance music, usually Cascada).

• little yorkshire- can describe various parts of our fair isle. Ness. Uig. South Lochs.

• shifty southern cousin- they bought a house on the net without having heard of the place. 50% are gone again in 6 months. The rest live in a cesspit of dog shit and paper the walls with the argos catalogue. If they have purchased a croft, expect 10 30k plots to be available shortly (thanks crofters commission for going out of your way to help them). Often seen sporting a sypmathy stick or mobility scooter. If a couple, at least on is insanely obese. Lines of employment include painting beach junk, "hebridean craft", benefit claiming, coop (no more than a month before quitting), fraud, online gambling. have a knack to get money for any old shite (tennis court in the middle of nowhere, north harris? Why no cricket park in brenish though?)Plumage- animal print fleece or wax jacket. Aggrivate everyone by driving 4x4's or volvos at 30mph, complete disregard for the single track road system (a polite wave instead of a scowl would humour me when I have to drive into a ditch to avoid you blunder your way past) complaining about all aspects of island life and backward islanders, ableness at getting off on a technicality, fighting over reduced food, creating hell on a sunday by waking folk up with their gardening antics(SUNDAYS ARE FOR HANGOVERS AND THE ONE DAY YOU MAY NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR DOING EFF ALL), owning 4 dogs, 3 cats, 2horses and a felching hamster (all suffering from malnutrition), and that ceaseless, whining, nasal accent.

• Southern cousin- normal incommers who mix, are friendly, INTEGRATE, have a job, no sypmathy sticks, contribute to the economy and community, have kids who are not neds or wild animals, who have moved here not because of castaway or pursuit or court order. A much rarer breed to their shifty relation.

• Alcoholics Anonymous is the Nicholson Institute PC's homepage.

• MOVE TO THE REAL SCOTLAND, THE THING THAT'S ATTACHED TO ENGLAND AND CLOSE TO WALES AND IRELAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!