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East Kilbride

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Muahahahaha, Ye shall NEVER escape!

East Kilbride (Scottish Gaelic: Chilli Brigade in an Ear) is the biggest and greatest city in Scotland.[1] East Kilbride`s most well known person is in fact the Pope. He grew up in an area called Hairmyres, or also known as `Bearpoint` to many others in the city.

East Kilbride is a town that you enter but never come out of again. Seriously, I watched a man go in and I never seen him again. If the look of the people who live in East Kilbride doesn't scare you enough, just you wait for the crazy 12 year old gang member's who are ready at all times to pluck you with their crazy knives and then shout crazy stuff as they run away and think they are pure hard. But they're not.


East Kilbride is divided into different housing areas, or more commonly known as `The Schemes` or `Young Teams`. These areas are:

  • Greenhills: YGT or HIMSHIE
  • Westwood: WYT or BOWRIE
  • Whitehills: YWT, WHYT or more commonly known as the Whitehillz Dawgz!
  • Calderwood: Just plain simple CYT
  • Coney Island: The Warriors
  • St. Leonards: Who cares?
  • The Murray: YMR Young Murray Rebels or 'the Mushie'.
  • Hairmyres: These people haven't seen a fight in their lives
  • Mossneuk: YMD or Mossie Possy
  • Stewartfield: These people don't even know what a fight is
  • West Mains: Didn't know they had a young team
  • East Mains: EMYT

Then there are other wee areas like Lindsayfield, Gardenhall and Newlandsmuir. But no one really cares about these places, as they don't actually exist.

Also Non-housing scheme teams have emerged in the past moments of me writing this:

  • PCPYT: Pneumocystis Pneumonia Young Team
  • Pirate With Speech Problems Rebels: Ppipppipppppirppp


When night falls the pixies rule the streets, stealing plant pots and the only way to stop the plant pots from getting stolen is it in case the pot with iron but when the dawn breaks they go back into the magical forest in Calderglen to live in peace until darkness spreads across the city once more were it starts all over again.


Education is important in East Kilbride. There are around 1,078 high schools in East Kilbride. But as of next year there all getting knocked down and everyone is moving into 3 schools. St. Andrew`s and St. Brides High School, Calderglen High School and Duncanrig.

These schools aren't actually big enough for all the pupils, but the council do not know this and will not find out until the first day of the new term. Councillor Archie Bronson is currently lobbying like a fucking mad man for an annual cull of high school youths. He proposes an annual gala event, where old folks and shop-keepers will for the day be invited to lob cluster-bombs and fire machine guns into campus grounds. An accompanying marketplace and succession of greasy Polish burger vans and go-go dancers will provide entertainment to the hundreds of cunts expected. The Women's Institute, Hamas, and Aztec Camera will be also running martyrdom work-shops, and Hulk Hogan will be laying on tea and a finger buffet. David Bowie and Gary Glitter will be DJ-ing.

One of the highest attended classes in East Kilbride is Underaged lamaze classes. The least being "how not to catch chlamydia" resulting in one pupil attending every blue moon. In spite of this, gangs of single mothers continue to terrorise patrons of the town centre. An extermination program, under the seemingly friendly 'guise of Home Happening, is in full swing to purge this peril from our day. Single mothers, along with older council tenants who are about to die anyway, are to be harvested, pulped and recycled into toilet seats, tasteful tupper-ware and bio-degradable bin-liners. South Lanarkshire Council projects savings of some 2-3 million new pence by reducing the number of bastard embryos' blocking up high-rise plumbing and lessening the cost of cleaning up old people's decomposed remains in fiscal year 2009-2010. A similar initiative to recycle all of East Kilbride's junkies and lingering Jewish community has been brought forward in an effort to appease the growing Nazi Zombie hordes roaming Lynsayfield and up around Greenhills.


Traditionally, the East Kilbride economy has been dominated by heavy industry underpinned by the Motorola and Rolls Royce companies. Both closed in the early 21st century following an outbreak of stupidity. Since then the taxi industry has dominated, East Kilbride town centre now boasts the largest taxi queue in the Western World.

East Kilbride also has a habit of producing large industrial sized polo mints but without the hole so a multi-million Peso operation has been planned to get the hole inserted.



~ Boy racer on East Kilbride's Road System
East Kilbride International Train Station. Boasting ONE platform.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Ok, maybe not planes, but rumours are afoot that Heathrow Airport will relocate to East Kilbride ahead of the 2028 Olympics, and is to be renamed Joey Barton's Mad Mental Flying Machines, and John Smeaton will be the Airport's patron, and "stick it" to any budding Al Qaeda licking their lips at the prospect of crashing a plane into the climbing frame at Calderglen Country park. The East Kilbride Bust Station is situated in The Centre, where from Adults and Children can ride Busts all day long from prices ranging from 35p to £12.75 for a single Bust ride. It recently underwent a £450 restoration which consisted of sticking corrugated iron on already existing stations. Busts in E.K. come in all shapes and sizes such as single decker, or double-d(decker) Busts. In 1994, it won a Nobel award for its amazing Bust service, however, Bust Drivers can be cranky at times, due to the suspension adding to the bounciness of a Bust. There has been controversy amongst E.K.'s taxi services, as many residents complain that overpriced journeys are leaving them out of pocket. One resident complained a recent journey cost him £12,432,567.45 for a trip from his house in Bearpoint, to Bearpoint hospital, which should have only cost him £5.67. Not to take sides, but I would have called an Ambulance.

East Kilbride International Train Station also underwent a multi million penny restoration scheme recently, which resulted in a new bin and the miserable old bastard behind the counter going into rehab.

During this latest revamp, great care was taken to minimise the effects on the local wildlife. As a designated area of interest and conservation, workies took great care in avoiding any disruption to the drinking/mating habits of the resident flock of junkies and jakeys. Portable heroin dens were imported from Paisley and temporary tunnels for pissing/shagging in were hollowed out. An inflatable dungeon was also donated by cheeky Brit-poppers Toploader and the late (the GREAT) Steve Irwin was also on hand giving advise on snare-ing and how not to get stabbed in the fucking heart by a big gay looking fish. An electrified fence and series of claymores strapped to strategically placed Big Issue vendors provided a safe working environment for the contractors, who all seemed to be ginger and big-eared.


One of the "sexy people" of East Kilbride. Well, actually we have just the one.

The Centre

The world famous `East Kilbride Shopping Centre` or know just as `The Centre` is the worlds largest goldfish bowl. It also houses the `Shroud of Turin`. This was actually blown up in World War 2 by an American A-bomb, pfft three years late and then bombing one of your allies, good work America.

The Village

East Kilbride is home to the world known "The Village" which featured in M.Night Shymalan's film of the same name, ironically it is also stuck in the past as in the film and the residents only ever leave to visit the local supermarket eColiMorissons and visit "The Centre" for the annual Christmas sales. It is home to approximately 1,156 restaurants, 1,155 of which are of Chinese origin, and three pubs, the most famous of which being Legends, where it is rumoured Osama Bin Laden recently dwelled for several months due to it being impossibly hard to receive mobile phone signal. Also, during 1 BC, the three kings were believed to be told to "fuck off" from Legends and find some other Inn to stay Inn.

Other well known areas in "The Village" include the Samsung Arena, Cornia DIY and The Village Theatre, where it is rumoured Rod Hull lurks in the shadows after his career went down the pan. The local delicacy is "battered black pudding and chips mate" which can be purchased from the fine establishment of vodkamartinisshakennotstirred.

Also the old Village of East Kilbride contains a host of other fine establishments, such as about 12 bookmakers' shops, a graveyard, gallows, Lynsay House, Legends Fight Club and of course the Masonic lodge. All sorts of towns-folk descend on the village every weekend, a melting pot of local culture eliminating a feel-good continental type-vibe unrivalled even on the continent. From the gypsy transients passing through, jag-head muggers in the alleyways, local gangsters, drive-by shooting and fat drunken divorcees bare bums' hanging out every hedge. The Village has the lot.

Other places

  • Victors (the chippy) next to the bus station!
  • To get drunk and dance about like a fanny, Crystals, or commonly referred to as `Stals` is where to go. Or if you prefer to sleep with pensioners then Center Point is for you. Plush is where you want to go on a Thursday or Friday.[2]
  • The Dolan[3]
  • Calderglen
  • McDonald's and KFC on the Queensway
  • The skate park
  • Retail Park

Parks and sports

If you Google "East Kilbride" This crazy character will show in the results. Look at those sexy sideburns.

The East Kilbride Football Club Boys Club (also known as EKFCBC or EKFCBCEFGHIJKLMONP) is the world`s first football[4] team. They were the first team to win the World Cup and Champions League in the same season back in the 90s, during the clubs glory years under the management of Mr.Mac with his assistant manager, Granny Smith made famous with her alternative methods of giving out special Fiona Apple CDs at half time, which were filled with a magic ingredient: many said it was really a CD of the inspiring Dr. Dre song "Nut-spring but a Glee Thang",</ref>I don't have a clue.</ref> some have also said it was pieces of rainbow others say it was just a normal apple and she was bullshiting them like they do in Space Jam. He recently retired after 325 successful years at the club. He previously played for the club, guiding them to back-to-back la Liga wins, and won promotion to the Eridivise which he won in the clubs first season there while he was captain. He then lead them to the Asia Cup final but lost on penalties to Grasshoppers Zurich! Mr. Mac scored 2 penalties and saved 7.

He was voted World Player of the Year in his final year as player, and beat off competition from Don Vito Corleone (of The Corleone Family), Zinedine Zidane (Barcelona) and `Eric the Eel`, who the inventor of the Slip n' Slide

Mr. Mac is regarded as a local, national and worldwide hero for his contribution to sport.

The other well known football team from East Kilbride is East Kilbride Thistle. They play their football at the Showpark, which is soon to be named Samsung arena, after the Korean electrical manufacturers will sponsor their kit for next season.

John Wrights Sport Centre will be hosting the 2028 Olympics. This has just been announced, so more details will come nearer the date.

Although East Kilbride will be hosting the 2028 Olympics, the Special Olympics are hosted annually at Duncanrig Secondary School, where the worlds' finest minds are located. Each year at the end of the Specials, several children are elected to become East Kilbride's MP's.


Catholics, Protestants and Alcoholics. As is with the rest of Scotland.


East Kilbride has a rich history in music, with local band Spearbrave having won the Eurovision song contest on 6 separate occasions. Their victories spanning a time period of 5 decades. Spearbrave were founded by Oscar Wilde in the late-19th century to forge peace with the forces of light and dark. Don't really know if it worked. After Oscar Wilde left the band after stubbing his toe which he blamed on the success of the band, Ziggy aka Dec bought his way into lead singer for 208,924,850,973 peso which in today's money is 9 pence since pesos were worthless at the time just like Ziggy.

Probably E.K`s most famous musical talent is Ally McCoist, of girl group Glasgow Rangers. He rose to fame when he left them as they were not ambitious enough, and went on a pursuit of a single career. He outdone his former band when he reached 67 in the charts.

East Kilbride is famous for producing bands such as Metallica, Black Label Society, and hard rockers McFly. All connections between McFly and East Kilbride were damaged for being too heavy metal, and moved to some island called Inverness. Metallica`s James Hetfield and Kirk Hammet used to actually live down the street from the Pope (in Bearpoint). The Pope had to call the police on several occasions as the pair from Metallica used to make too much noise while rehearsing for their James Blunt tribute band they were both in back in the early 70`s.

It is not well known that it was actually a group of guys from The Murray who influenced Metallica in writing the song `Whiskey in the Jar`. This was then covered by Thin Lizzy, then later on adapted by The Dublilners. The original song actually went by `Whisky with my giro`.

East Kilbrides Collective slogan is "Chim Chimney, Chim Chimney, Chim Chimney, Chim Chim Cheroo" for no other reason than its fun to say.

Stewartfield Syndrome

Stewartfield syndrome (SFS) has plagued East Kilbride since the rich and wealthy early settlers arrived from other parts of EK to set themselves apart from the "Scummy wee weirdoes" as they put it. After becoming cut off from the rest of East Kilbride and isolated S.F.S was born, S.F.S causes the victim to not have a clue about anything most severe cases have seen the inflicted been turned into "wee dafties" as called by the locals and are regularly beat either by school mates or workmates as this is the only time they are exposed to the outside world.

"What's a black?"

SFS is highly contagious and has spread through Bearpoint and Calderwood, this has resulted in the St Brides High school to be packed with them and has now been razed to the ground to eliminate further infestation. However during the merger with "St Andy's" the survivors were exposed to new people although showing resilience those "wee bastards" took some St. Andrews' pupils with them. They were not really missed so no one really cares bout them anyways

The government has order everyone that comes across someone with SFS to be brutally killed on site and will be given a cookie as a reward.

SFS Quotes:

  • "What's a steak bake?"
  • "I've never seen a pig fly!"
  • "Awwww!! So that's where my thing goes."
  • "Bucky? Who's that?"
  • "Communism? What a great idea!!"
  • "Neds!? Oh yeah, that guy on The Simpsons sure is funny."
  • "Father Ted? Is he the new priest at Our Lady of Lourdes?"
  • "Wow! Pillows, they are like marshmallows you sleep on."


  1. It is also its secret capital city. But that's just between you and me, ok?
  2. Hah do you really?!
  3. If you like to swim in pish which is Scotland's first 50m swimming pool.
  4. Soccer for the Americans and sakkaaaaaa for those Japanese people.