User:Maniac1075/No Doubt
No Doubt was a group of cock-muppets that came together in 1992 in hopes to fuck up the world music scene once and for all. With the help of their non-existing ability to write anything lyrical of worth, and their extreme talents in making the most irritating sounds with electrical equipment, it made them the perfect group to take on the challenge of fucking up main-stream music forever, especially now that Kurt Cobain was no longer able to lead Nirvana into all-time greatness in this category because he was now as useful to anyone as a hole in the head. No Doubt recorded such noises as "I'll Make You Hurl", "Don't Sing This", "Pisswater" & XXX Turd Fiend" as well as taking credit for the song "Barbie Girl" by Aqua, which sucked so much, no one could tell the difference between the two groups, and seeing as how Aqua refused to own up to creating it, Gwen Barfani (lead word dribbler) figured it was so bad, she probably did record it.
Missionary Possible[edit | edit source]
During the period of the 1980's, the main-stream music that could be heard on radio and seen on eMpTV was pretty crap, but at least that crap was fun. That all changed when the 1990's came along and such bands started to emerge like "Ugly Kid Joe" and "Warrant", and record companies started to think, "Hey, these dudes that look like chicks are starting to really show some talent (musically)"This just pissed off record companies around the world, as they did not want to have to pay their artists to be talented, nor did they wish for them to receive such recognition that they would become so rich and famous on their own accord, that they would not need any record companies behind them. This meant the record labels would lose money. And record companies do not like to lose money.
It was in 1993 that a stop to "talent" was enforced into main-stream music. The big record companies searched the globe, seeking out talentless musicians that they could dumb-down the youth of the day's intelligence, and make them forget that being able to tell the difference between talent, and just being obsessed with some dimwitted fuck-tard on TV holding an instrument and regurgitating into a microphone. Soon the ultimate group was found in Seattle, Washington. But the lead singer EMO of the band over slept for a few hours, and woke up for the first time in 3 years not under the influence of any drugs, alcohol or illegal substances. He then listened to one of his own songs, and blew the back of his head off due to feeling so much shame that he was almost single handedly responsible for making the crappy mainstream music go from happy and fun crap, to just suicidal inducing, depressing, crap-crap.
It was now time to find a replacement to continue the obliviation of talent in mainstream music, once and for all.
No Doubt About It, They Suck Enough[edit | edit source]
A new group was needed to take the bull by the balls and continually skull fuck it's brains in with a tainted dick. That's when Gwen Barfani was discovered. Gwen was exactly what the recording industry needed, someone as dumb as shit, so even if she was sober, she wouldn't hear her own recordings and do a "Kurt" on them. Plus, once they took one look at her, they knew she was a perfect 10... when she should have been at least a 36DD.
Gwen was grouped up with 4 others; there really is no point in us listing their names, they are no-bodies. All you need to know is they all had I.Q's that where the same single digit as the digit that is that of their penis sizes, and that the day they where born, the Stork that brought them should have been shot for smuggling dope. The group was put together, and they where each handed an instrument to abuse. They where each signed to the label with a steady contract that stated if these guys ever show any signs of talent, they will be fired.
During the first rehearsal of the new group, it was quite the sight to see. It was like watching 4 neanderthal retards work out what each of their new toys did. The tall one was given a tambourine to play, but thought was not his strong part, so it was decided that the noise his skull made as he continually walked into a brick wall back and forth should be the percussion sort of sound to this group. One of the others kept licking the bass guitar, so he was instantly fired for showing he may prove to be a talented bass player after all, so they called in a armless skunk to play that instrument instead, and the other two where to just hold guitars, but not actually play them, as that would be the session musicians jobs. Then of coarse last but not least, dear little Gwen, who was still in the producers office talking into his penis, because she wanted to tell her mother that she finally got a job that allowed her to be vertical for once, but didn't quite grasp the producers innuendo when he said she could use his phone, but she had to do something first, and she was lost at the line "OK, unzip it, take it out, you know what to do with it now"
Before you knew it, No Doubt's first single "Don't Speak" was recorded. The name of the song came from Gwen herself, who kept hearing that line over and over after the producer had informed her that his dick was not a microphone and her teeth where raking his foreskin when she kept saying, "Mom, Mom, Can you hear me now?"
Spastic Kingdom[edit | edit source]
The first album was released under the title "Spastic Kingdom". The name was chosen by those who saw the recording of this group in a booth and said it looked like a bunch of retards mindlessly making noises with instruments that did not actually resemble any musical recognition. Had this album been released 10 years prior to 1996, it would have been one of those "special" albums that Oprah Winfrey would have praised as being something incredible that those less fortunate then others sort of people could actually achieve something, but it was the record companies choice to promote this band like their mental capacity was that of normal people.
No Doubt managed to gain enough overplayed airplay of their noises on radio and TV to make a name for themselves, but never enough to manage to make it onto the record of all-time highest/best selling albums/singles/artists etc.. and still have managed to avoid coming close to such a thing since. Gwen blinked a few times when she was told even Usher and Lady Barf Barf had made that honers list, but luckily her super blond powers kicked in and she responded, "User? rings a bell, but I don't remember what he tastes like".
Bleeping Streak of Shit Collection[edit | edit source]
This album is not worth mentioning anything about, seriously!
Return of the Jedi Satan[edit | edit source]
For No Doubt's 3rd album, their record company wanted them to make more of the ultimate shittiest songs of all time. An award the band received at the 1997 Grammy Awards for their incredible achievement of making one of the most irritating songs of all time (I'll Make You Hurl). The record company needed this, as their last album wasn't bad enough to knock out a rival record companies new found retarded glory called "Oasis". The group managed to dish out two of these Super Shit songs noises for this album collection of irritating noises. The two big shit ones where titled "XXX Hurl Friend" and "Pisswater". It was quite by accident, as many of these hits shits are. The track "Pisswater" was simply composed by each of the members of the band urinating into Gwen's mouth while she tried to spit out the words to "Bah Bah Black Sheep"
Once the album was forced into public airwaves and rammed down everyones throat on television, the group has surpassed Nirvana as being the #1 reason why main-stream music sucks at present date. The two mentioned singles won the "Super Shit" awards, and No Doubt celebrated that they now officially had 3 of the most irritating songs noises ever caught on tape.
Rocksteady & BeeBob[edit | edit source]
The 4th time around spelled out doom for the group. They just could not seem to compete with other artists in making the crappiest noises around, the year of this release sparked the return of Green Day who once again shun in the light of worst album of the year, but it was a sad effort, as none of the songs on the Green Day album even came close to being as crappy as the "Big 4" from No Doubt, but Green Day had crappier songs to display then No Doubt did that year.
Go Away Gwen[edit | edit source]
Gwen was then told by the record company that maybe she should quit No Doubt so they can try and find an even shittier singer dick-snot-drooler then her, so that they can reclaim the top spot of all-time crappiest group in the mainstream music world. Gwen took offense to this, and threatened that she would not quit, she would go solo, and achieve the worst fucking noises anyone has ever heard on tape. Like her life, she failed at this miserably, there is not a single person on the planet who can name one of the titles she released when she did this, nor can anyone name one the rest of the band did when they hired Steve-O to make noises into the mic for them. It took these retards 5 years to work out that they suck with each other, but suck even more without each other, so in 2010 the rest of the group and Gwen re-united to give it one more try. Just one more attempt at making another worst song of all time.
Some 2010 Recording of Noises[edit | edit source]
They tried to make something sound as bad as the "big 4" they had already created, but much like their last 2 albums, no one took any notice of this, and No Doubt is a forgotten memory that only haunts those stupid enough to have purchased one of their noise filled recordings and wonder what the shiny object is they have discovered sitting underneath all that dust?
No Doubt will never see the light of day with anything new on your televisions, as bands like "Airbourne", "The Casanovas", "Jackyl", "Kid Rock" & Justin Beiber help return main-stream music back to it's roots of involving musicians who can actually play the damn thing they say they can play, the talentless fucks the record companies are searching for to destroy main-stream music is dying off fast. With internet downloading and AC/DC concerts, we can thank god that the likes of No Doubt, Green Day, Oasis and U2 can fuck off where they belong, and fuck off their forever, rotting in hell with Micheal Jackson where they fucking belong!
No Doubt Achievements[edit | edit source]
- Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm..... hmmmmmm.
- Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm..... come on, there must be something?
- Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... well, they managed to fuck up main-stream music between the years of 1992 and 2004.