User:Kurgan/Time Crisis
He likes it more than he does most others, therefore you must also like this page too or Chuck WILL KILL you with a roundhouse kick to the face. He will because he can. So show some respect to this page or Chuck will fuck you up.
Time Crisis is the most awesome video game ever invented. It was created by Chuck Norris and it is about his step-cousin, Sherudo Garo. Garo and Norris were enemies at war for 300 years, hence the name 300 for the movie, until they realized that Norris's great-uncle, Master Chief who led a revolution in 1337 to take the throne of Sercia away from the Evil Sorceress from Arkansas for himself was Garo's dad. Then, in 1996, Gen. Osama bin Hitler (of Halo 3 fame) revolted against Garo.
Background[edit | edit source]
Time Crisis is about the Norris-Garo War, a war between Chuck Norris and Sherudo Garo that occured in 1996. Meanwhile, the people of Sercia, led by Gen. Mahmoud Balwan Pehelwan Suleiman Akbar Jehangir Shahjehan Aurangzeb Yusuf Moosa Dawood Mohammed Iqbal Rasool Rashid Ahmadinejad , stage a revolution and overthrow Garo, whose family (and therefore Chuck Norris's family) has been ruling for over 2000 years. Chuck got pissed and had to join forces. They kidnapped the newly elected Prestdent's daughter and fed her to Godzilla.
Features[edit | edit source]
- A foot pedal to stomp on while playing as Chuck Norris to simulate a roundhouse kick, although the animated kicks are nothing compared to a True Genuine Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick TM.
- A snake gun (introduced in spinoff Time Crisis meets Metal Gear and the DaVinci Code: The Opus Dei meets (and gets their asses kicked by) Chuck Norris and Solid Snake that Samuel L. Jackson uses, along with his Lightsaber to kill off ninjas, until he realizes they are working for Sherudo) which uses a beam to create snakes out of thin air and force them to bite their victims to death.
- A douchebagometer. It gets full if you don't kill enough "bad guys", which are portrayed as "good guys" in the game As being a douchebag causes an instant game over, you have to kill Sercian Socialist People's Party (the fictional party MacPherson is a member of) army agents before international CIA and KGB agents come in. Only Chuck Norris or Sherudo can kill them.
Storyline[edit | edit source]
The main story behind the original Time Crisis revolves around the Sercian Revolution of 1996. For a millennium, the Garo family ruled Sercia with the Norris family as their vice-presidents. The new President, William MacPherson, along with Richard Miller are said to be good guys, but they are actually bad, and the cruel, Bat Fuck Insane dictator, Sherudo, is actually the good guy because, despite being at war with Norris for 12 years, had recently joined forces. Anybody who opposes Chuck Norris is automaticaly the enemy.
The last remaining members of a 3000 year old royal family, Sherudo Garo and Chuck Norris sent out to destroy MacPherson's newly democratic republic, but Chuck wouldn't let one old politician get in his way of the Garoes and the Norrises ruling Sercia, and eventually the world. He hires a uber-badass mofo named Wild Dog to assassinate MacPherson and his entire family. He succeeds except for Rachel, his emo daughter. Garo takes MacPherson to the castle where he uses his exemplary knife-throwing skills, but to Rachel's advantage. Since she is emo, she uses them to cut herself, and it doesn't help that there are Fall Out Boy and Hawthorn Heights playing on the state-controlled radio. The CIA sends Richard Miller (who is actually Oscar Wilde) to stop them, but, since he bad guys are now good since Norris is on their side, guts him and kills him, but not before Miller shoots and kills Sherudo Garo. After being shot by Miller, Garo obviously dies, but Chuck uses his beard to bring him back to life. Chuck did this because he is just that awesome.
Bonus Levels[edit | edit source]
Wild Bong:Thought Police versus the NorrisForce[edit | edit source]
Based off of a true event that occured in 2004, Sherudo Garo, Wild Dog, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Clancy Brown were driving from a Runescape convention in Minnesota to a World of Warcraft convention in Kentucky in a 1985 Plymouth Voyager. All 4 of them were high on weed and huffing kittens when one of them threw a used orange kitten out of the window, so a cop pulled them over. In the back, they found 140 kilos of weed and 37 unhuffed orange kittens, incliding the non-huffable kitten. They had the NHK because Sherudo Garo and Clancy Brown, are 2 of only 5 people who can huff the non-huffable kitten. The cops knew that this wasnt a small amount for personal use, so he booked all 4 on drug trafficking, until Garo brought out a giant bong, stuffed all of the weed in it, and passed it around. After it a while, the cops knew these people were NorrisForce members, for hitting 140 kilos of weed without so much as coughing. They got away, got to Kentucky, where they arrived at a World of Warcraft convention, and 1337-pwned everyone there
Through the Fire and Flames: Revenge of Mahmoud Bob Balwan Jimmy Pehelwan Jimmy Tom Suleiman Joe Jake Akbar Dave Pete Jehangir Frank Shahjehan Louie Aurangzeb Sean Paul Ron Paul Bob Yusuf Tony Marvin Moosa Mike Mike Dawood Herman Johnny Eddie Mohammed Greg Iqbal Oscar Rasool Steve Charlie Rashid Carl Ahmadinejad[edit | edit source]
Gen. Mahmoud Bob Balwan Jimmy Pehelwan Jimmy Tom Suleiman Joe Jake Akbar Dave Pete Jehangir Frank Shahjehan Louie Aurangzeb Jacob Sean Paul Ron Paul Bob Yusuf Tony Marvin Moosa Mike Mike Dawood Herman Johnny Eddie Mohammed Greg Iqbal Oscar Rasool Steve Charlie Rashid Carl Ahmadinejad, the general who started the Sercian Revolution of 1996 wanted revenge, on Sherudo Garo for making him emo, revenge on Chuck Norris for kicking him in the balls so hard he turned into a transvestite, and revenge on Wild Dog for making him part non-muslim by infusing DNA from a Richard Dawkins, Ron Paul, and Sean Paul therefore he got some non-muslim names. This pissed him off so much because everyone knows sand beaners kill other sand beaners who have such names as "Billy" or "Bob", so he wants to kill Wild Dog for making him part non-muslim. So he made a challenge. He would spare the first person of the 3 to get 100% on Through the Fire and Flames on Expert, and kill the other 2. His plan backfired when all 3 of them got it on their first tries, so they killed him, ate him and shit him out. The resulting product was Nickelback and them (Nickelback) continues to suck and be gay to this day.
Aftermath and the NorrisForce[edit | edit source]
Since Oscar Wilde is a fag, Garo crushed him after being brought back to life by Chuck Norris. Norris, Garo, and others joined together to create the NorrisForce, a supreme cult devoted to world domination. There is the League of Supreme Dictators, which is a group of all members, which is then split up into three groups, the Inner Party, the Outer Party, and the Proles. When the LOSD meets for a vote, the Inner Party's votes count 5 times, the Outer Party's votes count three times, and the Proles votes count once. The Inner Party members also drive better cars than the other members. The NorrisForce follows the principles of Ingsoc and follow Big Brother's teachings. Their slogan is "The NorrisForce is watching YOU"
League of Supreme Dictators[edit | edit source]
Inner Party[edit | edit source]
Outer Party[edit | edit source]
- Clancy Brown
- Big Boss
- Bob Saget
- Master Chief
- Bill Elliott
- Kyle Petty
- Andrew Schlafly
- Attila the Hun
- George W. Bush
- Darth Vader