Soviet Onion
“In Soviet Russia Onion cry over you!”
The Soviet Onion (Russian: Ɯɏʊϗлѯ Ḁ᷿₮₰ⱴⱡ) was, obviously the kind of onion eaten by Russians in their Borscht. It was, of course, red and commonly wielded a Kalashnikov Rifle. It hated Westerners, The Capitalist Pig, and the United Steaks, and could speak Communist fluently. Its kind was one of the major participants in The Great Patriotic War and the Seventh Red Onion Brigade liberated Stalingrad from Mexican occupation.
Early Childhood[edit | edit source]
The Soviet Onion or as he was known at birth, David Bowie was born on November 7th 1917. His Father was Vladimir Lenin and his Mother was Nikita Khrushchev. Even at this age, he made people cry, and cry HARD. his uncle Leon Trotsky was said to be his greatest mentor.
He went to a Bolshevik Public School in which he learned solely of the Glory of Communism and how to play the Balalaika. At the age of 10, he could sing and play The Hymn of the Soviet Union on his Balalaika. He went to a Private Presbylutheran School. However, for teaching religion in a Communist Country, the teacher, Leon Trotsky was taken away and killed with a Hammer and sickle, much to the enjoyment of the students. After this "incident", The Soviet Onion was home schooled by his Mother, Nikita Khrushchev. Nikita Khrushchev ironically knew nothing so he graduated the class with the knowledge of a North Korean fifth grader and more stars on him than Leonid Brezhnev
Military Career[edit | edit source]
At the age 24, he joined the Red Army and went to war against Mexico and Nazi Germany for control of Afghanistan and the area surrounding the Volga River. On April Ninth, 1942 he was promoted to the rank of Podpolkovnik and put in charge of the Seventh Red Onion Brigade of the first onion army. From Moscow he and his unit pushed south to the town of Stalingrad, in the process, killing 21 Nazis and only losing 2 of their own. During this march, the Soviet Onion and the rest of Seventh Red Onion Brigade took a short sidetrack to the Whore of Europe. During this, the Soviet Onion and the rest of the Red Army discovered the joy of War Rape. This would inspire later events such as the Red Army Invasion of Manchuria and the RAPE that followed. Upon arrival at Stalingrad, an order came in from The Soviet Onion's Uncle, Joseph Stalin that the Mexicans were advancing and would soon be at Stalingrad. He and his unit were told to stay put and defend Stalingrad at all cost.
Afghanistan[edit | edit source]
In 1941 the Nazi invaders invaded the Soviet piss pot called Afganistan, his unit was destroyed by a Geman T-34 tank which he blew up with a Soviet Panzer 4 tank he found in piss pot #7.8 the Nazis in all there cowardice then ran away yelling, (translation) "OH SHIT AN ONION IN A TANK SHIT YOUR PANTS AND RUN AWAY!!!!" They then were shot multiple times and reanimated, until they looked like large piles of guts floating in midair that were vaguely human shaped. Please read the article on gut monsters for more info.
Battle of Stalingrad[edit | edit source]
The Soviet Onion and his unit found themselves holed up in Stalingrad in preparation for another Mexican push deep into The Motherland. As the Mexicans advanced on the town, he and his unit rushed into battle and killing every Mexican in their path. Suddenly, confronted with the heavily armored and powerful Mexican C4RT31 Tanks, The Soviet Onion quickly pulled the pin of every grenade on his grenade belt and flung himself under the advancing treads of the tanks. Killing himself in the process but stopping the Mexicans from taking the city and destroying an entire Division of tanks. In his honor, he was awarded the Hero of the Soviet Union Prize. Which, of course means nothing if you're dead. Many cried, not because of his physical strain but because of the rotten juice which burned peoples eyes almost as much as Lady Gaga's Band-Aid costume thingy.
After Death[edit | edit source]
Upon his death, the Soviet Onion was returned to his native home of Vladivostok, that one cold snowy town on the Pacific Coast. His body was then cut to pieces while the people cried due to the Onion Fumes. The pieces of his body were used to make The Holy Borscht. This Holy Borscht was kept in the Church of the Episcopal Soviet Onion. Of course, all participants were killed because religion is illegal in Communist Countries.
See also[edit | edit source]
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