Sexually Active Band Geek
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The Sexually Active Band Geek (also known as a sexually active band nerd) are creatures that are a new low on the food chain. Many of them have resorted to online dating services, phone dating hotlines, and getting in contact with their good friend, Pamela Anderson. Sometimes they can hold off their urges until Band Camp, and it's at these times that all of them come together to practice. What they practice is a story in itself.
A Brief History[edit | edit source]
Not much is known about Band Geeks in general, but it's safe to assume that they were first conceived when Mecha Godzilla and Space Godzilla fused, forming the first brass instrument. It was after this cataclysmic event, which simultaneously caused a rift in the Matrix, that the first Band Geek got out of bed, put on his pocket protector, and faced the blistering sun with a blinding grin from his braces and a full tube of sunblock. Sadly, they were separated by gender at birth, developing a need to be sexually active.
Band Camp[edit | edit source]
Band Camp is a sacred event that comes once a year. For many, it is a time for meeting friends and chatting about what went on over the summer. For sexually active band nerds, it's a time for experimentation, sunburns, and possibly genital warts. Most cases of band nerd sexual activity occurs within the Percussion(especially them), flute, trombone, tuba and clarinet sections, but is not limited to them. Many other reports of activity among other sections has been noted. It has also been noted that some band nerds are going to extremes to find release. There are many incidents where instruments have been defiled for sick, guttural, and somewhat carnal purposes in the wild.
Religious Basis[edit | edit source]
Many sexually active band nerds are said to worship the Flaming Grue, a holy, somewhat "colorful" divine figure in some foreign, probably alien religion (proving that band geeks were spawned from Gojira!!!). Every month or so, these devout worshipers pay tribute to the great Flaming Grue with a sacrifice of 10,000 virgins!!!!! (not really, but you hafta admit, it'd be cool...) But they do pay tribute with sacrifices. The sacrifices are freshmen, usually the weaker, less reproductively successful, and most stupid members of the band. Over all, there is a total of 1,000,000,000 sacrifices each year. These sacrifices are offered to ensure that the weather stays good, the bugs stay gone, and the nachos stay cheesy and hot.
In the Wild[edit | edit source]
Many popular researchers, including the homely, single, chimp lady, have published many articles on observing these confused and somewhat stupid creatures in the wild. Observations show that during mating season, usually situated around the end of July or beginning of August, the males become more competitive in trying to attract mates. They have been seen going to such extremes that they have begun hiding out in alley ways behind their dream girls' house and going to town, Ted Bundy style. The females, being more dominant than the males, and also a little more confused with their sexuality, are often times seen dragging the weaker, less intimidating males into dark corners and storage rooms.
Mortal Enemies[edit | edit source]
Sexually active band geeks have many mortal enemies, one of which is Valium. Yes, sedatives frighten them beyond belief. Give a band geek too many sedatives in a short period of time, and they suddenly lose the urge to procreate. Another enemy is...The Jock.
The Jock is, by nature, stronger, faster, better looking, more intimidating, and profoundly more attractive than the poor band geeks, thus posing a major threat. If ever there is an instant where a band geek is feeling brave and daring enough to approach a Cheerleader or other "voluptuous" females, they must always be aware of the position of the Jock. This slight paranoia and somewhat stalkerish characteristic has lead to many band geeks developing means of "tagging" jocks with GPS tracking bugs, most of which are inserted anally. However, the band geek must be incredibly cautious, for jocks are known to be highly aggressive, and occasionally suffer from extreme roid rage. In these blind fits of fury, Jocks have been known to obliterate the existence of the band geek who was foolish enough to look at him by ganging up on him with a few of his buddies and participating in a bit of hazing. The hazings often include, but are not limited to: harsh paddlings, being bombarded with feces, covered in tar, a sissy-type pillow fight with pillows that conveniently happen to be stuffed with feathers from peregrine falcons, and then, occasionally, dressing the band geek up like a kitten, and huffing him.
Evolutionary Traits[edit | edit source]
The band geek, over time, has developed means of defending himself. One method is begging like a pussy. The other, is dressing up like a kitten and offering oneself to be huffed. But the most renowned technique, and also the weirdest, is the stalking technique. This technique includes finding a vic....target, and then observing them from afar. After several weeks/months of observation, the band nerd will sometimes attempt to make contact. If/when he does, he will be shut down immediately. And after time, the stalking will become more severe, a shrine will be made with the vi...TARGET's personal affects, and they will eventually be dragged off into the woods and.....we can fill in the blanks, can't we?
On occasion, band geeks, when angered enough, will do a Super Saiyan power-up to over 9,000 and manage to evolve into a grue. This has only happened once in the history of the universe by the renowned band geek, Steve Urkel, who has since evolved into Emo Hitler.
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