Santa Fe, New Mexico

“Im riding somewhere South of Heaven, heading back to Santa Fe”

~ Jon Bon Jovi on Santa Fe

Santa Fe is a small insignificant city in North Central New Mexico(South of Heaven) with a distinct patchouli stink. It is a popular tourist destination for the leisurely rich who need somewhere to spend their vast amounts of money. Sadly, many have immigrated there. Strangely, the rich of Santa Fe are liberal, organic-loving "beautiful people". It is the only place in the U.S. where republicans are considered rebellious punks, with their budget sensibilities and lack of "appointments".

Last time I checked, there was an evil Railroad named after the city, but it was probably just a lie.

Demographics

Santa Fe has a stratified caste system of people from four (4) groups:

1. The descendants of Coronado and other Spanish explorers, these are the true founders of Santa Fe itself. It is said you must be at least a third generation to be considered a local. These people are profound alcoholics who primarily drink Canadian whiskeys with names like Canadian Hunter, Lord Calvert, and Yukon Jack. The primary occupations of this group are unemployment, firewood cutters, aspen digger uppers, rock wall builders, chili roasters, and convict. This population is declining due to alcohol-related accidents such as ATV collisions, sleep walking with chainsaws, and jabañero eating contests.
2. The noble and virtuous indigenous peoples who have lived in the Rio Grande valley for thousands of years, and are reduced to a habit of selling silver and turquoise jewelery to support their occupation of booze and drugs.
3. The white yuppie culture-sucking rich people who have cast off their tacky tourist garb and actually had the infernal gall to move into Santa Fe. This group can be identified by the presence of preposterously large silver and turquoise jewelry, fringed jackets, and kokopelis adorning every flat surface of their home, which itself is built on top of an Indian burial ground and hence, evidence of the contrived reality they live in. This third group tends to ignore and attempt to displace the first.
4. A fourth group, not part of the system, is made up of what are known as "Untouchables," separated into two subgroups, one commonly known as "people who moved to Santa Fe that don't have money and now work three jobs in the service industry." These unscrupulous folk are known to spit in the drinks of the rich while muttering the Untouchable mantra, "Here's a taste of your own medicine." The other sub-group are normal people of all races who moved to Santa Fe for normal reasons and perform 98% of all work completed in the county, from teaching to government to real estate to flower shops.

History

Santa Fe was founded by the great lord Sauron in 1234. He founded a successful line of dry cleaning shops, the Evil Master Cleaners, eventually selling them to Bill Gates. Sauron continued to control the only convenience store in the city, holding complete dominion over the poor inhabitants by refusing to sell them more than five lottery tickets at once.

In the mid 1950's, the rich staged an invasion of Santa Fe, forcing out the dark lord and converting his dry cleaning shops to organic hippy boutiques to cater to the growing population of californian-Americans.

The city motto was adopted in 1930 after the introduction of fake adobe architecture as the norm in Santa Fe. Translated into English it means: "Little Boxes, on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky-tacky, little boxes, on the hillside, just the same." Santa Fe was the inspiration of the stupid Pete Seeger song.

DWI

Driving while Intoxicated is considered a birth right in new Mexico, so much so that 1 member of each immediate family is required to die in a car crash every 20 years. Int he past five years, MADD (Mothers Angry about Dead Daughters) has siezed control of the proverbial wheel and forced the state to enforce DWI arrests and prosecution. However, most of the State Police have a history of DWIs, virtually nixing the strategy.

Prairie Dogs

Prairie dogs are the most important resource in Santa Fe today, fed thousands of dollars worth of food every week by well-meaning but highly delusional white people, who think that wild animals are starving while actual humans in their neighborhood can't afford to eat dinner. Other native species include coyotes, who eat small dogs, cats, and children, making themselves a vital part of the food chain, so that Chihuahuas don;t overrun humanity and take control of the state government.

Tourist Traps Attractions

Santa Fe is noted for its ultra-modern pueblos, which are furnished to the teeth with the latest in technological marvels such as cell phones and plasma TVs and swimming pools and FM radios, all of which are lovingly constructed out of modelling clay. Another attraction is the lovely jewelry, manufactured by poor puebloans with aluminium foil and rhinestones.

Famous People Born and Raised in Santa Fe

• Santa Anna
• Santa Maria
• Santa Claus
• Santa Lucia
• Carlos Santana

✶ American Old West ✶