Santa Catarina
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| Localization | Southern Brazil, right on top of Northern Argentina, and far far away from the rest of the country, thank God). | ||
| Official languages | Portuguese, Zerman dialecten, Italian, Separatist dialect. | ||
| Gov'nor | Gustavo Kuerten, our beloved Führer and spiritual leader. | ||
| Capital | Floripa, home of many hot women in runnning naked on the beach, around kegs of beer and Blood-sausages. | ||
| Population | German descendants, italian descendants, polish descendants, portuguese fishermen, northern scum and evil Pokèmon running naked on the beach | ||
| Motto | Independence, or a keg and blood-sausage. | ||
| National Anthem | God Save our ass from Northern Scum. | ||
Santa Catarina is a tiny state located on the southern portion of Brazil. It's home to one of the biggest European settlements in South America, grouping italians, germans, nazis, poles, Pokémon and portuguese fishermen. Due to the incredible amount of hot, single women running naked on the beaches, Santa Catarina attracts flocks of migrants (see Northern Scum) to its territory, in hopes of earning a decent living and screwing a blue-eyed blond. Mostly, they end up in the Limbo, located somewhere on the western lands. Evil-pokémons are being blamed. Your mom might be involved as well, although she was with me last night and it didn't appear as she was plotting a world domination plan.
History[edit | edit source]
Before the europeans arrived, indians occupied the territory, collecting vegetables, running naked on the beach and just chillin'. The portuguese arrived in the XVI century with the intent to find gold. Since none was found, they proceeded to their secondary goal, which was to spread their Christian faith. They had success: Almost all naked indians running on the beach were torched in bonfires. Charmander aledgelly came out from limbo to ignite the flames. The ones who escaped inquisition died from Venereal diseases, by being ass-fucked by horny portuguese semen's seamens.
Wait... what was that? Fuck it.
The 7 little indians that remained alive were caught by the limbo. Evil-Bulbassaur was held responsible.
For centuries no one occupied the present territory. The spanish invaded in 1674, but found all the indians already torched and left disappointed. The Royal Navy, in their never-ending quest to add more land to the empire and thus staying away from their butt-ugly english wives, attacked in 1745. No cute indians running naked were found to amuse the crew, no frenchmen were there to surrender, thus causing the brits to sail to the Falklands instead, much for the delight or argentines.
Portuguese fishermen were the first to settle in the lands. Living isolated from the world, having no cable, no Burger King, eating only Mcfish and having no way to escape their butt-ugly wives led them to mutate into powertuguese fishermen with hooks. To this day they disregard all foreigners, talk really fast, and call themselves manés da ilha. The mutants gather weekly in their holy temple, Ressacada Stadium, where a leather object is butchered by 11 unskilled manés da ilha. Twice a year the mutants face the evil-pokémon from the limbo, in a highly antecipated derby. Currently the powertuguese fishermen with hooks are evolving into powertuguese fishermen with guns that shoot hooks, and joined Magneto against the X men.
In the XIX century, a ship filled with drunk germans got lost while sailing to Ibiza. Upon arriving in the present territory of the state, they saw that the beaches were beautiful, with a great potential for running-nakedness, just like the Baleares during spring-break. They decided to start the first settlement, by opening some beer kegs and eating blood-sausage. Love parade on the beach was a sucess, and two months later, after discharge from the hospital, the survivors founded the city of Blumenau.
Life was good on the colony, but vacations were a little dull. So, in the beginning of the XX century the germans imported some italians to build a few cities too. This way, they could run naked and open kegs and eat blood-sausage in the beach, without making a mess in their oh so pretty and clean towns. The Poles were next, in order to supply the colonies with plumbers.
In World War II, the catarinas joined the Axis, being very successful in the battlefield, conquering Rio de Janeiro, São Paulo, Buenos Aires, Paris, Warsaw and the Falklands. However, the whole campaign crumbled in a counter-attack on the flank being guarded by the damn italians, who were cooking a great pasta and arguing while fucking some austrian chicks, instead of watching the line. Powertuguese fishermen were forced by the armistice to surrender their hooks, and were finally defeated by the X-men, with help of evil-pokémon, which ended the war.
Rebuilding the state was a harsh task, but the catarinas were sucessfull, under the guidance of Gustavo Kuerten I, holy catarina emperor and Führer of alles volk catarina. A military genius, he is known for conquering Paris three times, using the power of his mutant hair locks that shoot evil-pokémon and Satan Goss.
As of today, Santa Catarina struggles to mantain its traditions, like running naked on the beach, opening a keg and eating blood sausage with friends, killing whales, penguins and sheep, having lascivious relations with your mom, enslaving powertuguese fishermen without weapons and glazing at the limbo at sunset.
Catarina Politics[edit | edit source]
Catarina politicians are all be Nazis. However, the goose-walk is subject of much mockery in the National Parliament, causing the congressmen to become bitter and vingative. In a freudian twist of the Ego-Id system, all catarina politicians become incredibly horny. Only, instead of you, your mom or the ole wifey, they lust your patience.
All political power within the State is held by the Führer. You cannot disagree with him, otherwise you'll be thrown in the limbo and fed to the evil-pokemons. This is a much-awaited spectacle for the population, who gather at the gates of limbo to see the bloodshed. The ritual is often preceded by feeding christians to lions, or to powertuguese fishermen with forks (recent agreements have beem successful in restoring full-mutantship to the fishermen, after their alliance with Professor Xavier.)
Geography[edit | edit source]
Regions[edit | edit source]
Santa Catarina is divided in Regions:
- Zee Grösse Holy Nazi Zerman Empire am Limbo
- Really messy and loud but filled with beautiful ruins italian neighborhood
- Polish POW
- Ribeirão - home of the manés da ilha, currently under X-men protectorship
- Limbo
For centuries explorers tried to conquer the limbo, without sucess. the last time someone conquered the evil-pokémon, Satan Goss and his homies had too much trouble, nearly cleaning Toei's animation vault. Since then, Satan Goss became a bitter person, and has the ability to piss people off. Then he sends evil-pokémons that shoot british butt-ugly wives on PMS to force men to suicide. McGaren, his son, quietly retired after Jaspion, a powertuguese fisherman with a big starship that turns into a Gundam that shoot lasers on PMS, kicked his ass.
The best way to explore limbo is to kill yourself. Don't, please. Another way is by following the steps of New Kids on the Block, Sting, Warrant or Paula Jones.
The Trans-Brazilian HighGAYway crosses the territory on elevated lanes. This enables a road link from Pelotas to Campinas, through Ponta Grossa and Ipanema's Posto 9.
Serra do Mar[edit | edit source]
This series of moutains mantain the Nazis and the Powertuguese fishermen with forks apart, thus preventing World War IV. From the top of the highest summits one can glimpse over the limbo. It is the last thing one will ever see, since evil-pikachu launches an attack on the poor bastard, leaving him blind and missing one testicle.
Natural Disasters[edit | edit source]
- Itajaí-Açú river, running from the limbo the the Atlantic Ocean, crossing the zermanland, cause floods from time to time. Evil-Squirtle, a vengeful polish-jewish evil-pokémon, is believed to be involved. After the flood, zermans gather for some beers and blood-sausage.
- The day after the beer and blood-sausage celebration, when a huge poisonous gas cloud usually threatens all forms of life in a 509,809 mile radius.
- Disapearance of tourists: Evil-Rocket-Team is currently being blamed. Wait, weren't they evil already?
- Mind controlling emissions from the Limbo, making people become party-girls.
- Ugly tourist women running on the beach: OH, the HUMANITY!
Important cities[edit | edit source]
- Floripa, Capital
- Blumenau, Hometown of Kegs, blood-sausages, zerman party-loving girls and Oktoberfest.
- Joinville, city of flowers, holds a big dance festival in august, thus considered the Gay Mecca the state.
- Tubarão
- Baleia
- XeReDa
- Jaraguá do Sul!
- Chapecó?
- Xaxim!
- Então passa os peixes pra cá!
- Limbotown
Economics[edit | edit source]
The economy is based on the production of Beer kegs and Blood-sausage. Tourism is also an important industry, the Running naked on the beach international festival being one of the highlights of summer season, during Carnival. Northern Scum is a problem for catarinas, since they come to take crappy jobs that no self-respecting highly educated Zerman would take. However, northern scums wives are mostly welcome, providing big cities with cheap escort-ladies.
Another valuable export good is the zerman party girl, specially appreciated by Cariocas, disugsted by their butt-ugly women. Many catarinas are also adapting to owning of a Zerman Party Girl themselves, this arrangement being considerably cheaper than Marriage.
In the last years controversy has arisen, since catarinas started to charge a transit fee for all souls and people heading to the limbo. The Jackson brothers association, Metallica, N-Sync and the confederation of 80's hair bands are planning to file a suit against Santa Catarina in the WCC, the NATO, the dark side of the force and Mr. T.
Society[edit | edit source]
Catarinas are prude about their sexuality, except when they are running naked on the beach or during Carnival. Then, you pretty much can screw anything that breathes, specially drunk-ass Zerman party-girls.
A long compromise exist with the inhabitants of the southernmost state of Brazil, North Argentina: Every year, northern argentine women of age come to Santa Catarina to procriate. Since north argentine men are all homossexual, this is a long lasting tradition that ensures the continuation of north argentine people, and numerous jokes about their preferences.
Much tension exist between the racial groups in Santa Catarina. Italians accuse powertuguese fishermen with guns that shoot forks (newest upgrade) of fishing the wrong type of fish just to ruin their pasta, and zermans claim they don't clean up after butchering X men, and zis make zee zermans vreak-ouch! Powertuguese claim italians are too noisy and send fish away, polish complain about being locked in a POW camp for so long, and the evil-pokémon never complain, when threatened or having a bad hair day, they just come out of the limbo and start a little genocide. The only peaceful people seems to be the nazis, since they don't like anyone, and no one likes them, just like the french.
African-Catarina culture, although present, is not as strong as in other brazilian states. It appears that the homies ain't like da cold, yo! Shizz dawg, a split! Da'hood here's waaaay to cold. Bahia is better! Carnival and Samba are highly regarded though, being a commom excuse for casual sex in february.
Zee indigneous volks are not ein problem, anymorr!
Illustrious People[edit | edit source]
- Gustavo Kuerten Wittelsbach Hohenzollern Habsburg Coburg Saxe Gotha I, Holy Zerman Emperor of Santa Catarina and the damn italians in it, our lord, protector from the pokémons of limbo, Viva!, State hero, the only catarina ever to accomplish something that aired on nationwide-news. He defeated the french garrisson of Paris under Roland Garros all by himself, 3 times! After glory, a busted hip and elbows forced the end of his career.
- Vera Fischer, brazilian Cicciolina, a diva that inspired many young boys on the discovering of adulthood every friday night, when Bandeirantes TV aired those pornochanchadas.
- Maradona, one of the most controversial players in football history. To this day, many still believe he wasn't born in Brazil, mainly dut to his unique argentine mullet, even though that is obviously a lie. Anyone who plays a good football (not soccer) is OBVIOUSLY brazilian!
- Prussian Blue. There are rumors they may be descendants of northern scum.
- Pokémon, from the green leaf series onward, they are all homies!
- Mario, he owns the biggest mushroom farm on the land, and inventor of the Mushroom Tea Keg.
- Luigi, Mario's alcoholic brohter. Thrown in the limbo years ago.
- Polish Plumber
- Satan Goss
- Me
- Your mom, why, didn't she tell you?
- and even You, after all, TSSXX You TSSX I am your father TSSX.