Never Say Never Again
“What the hell is this? I don't remember any of that.”
|Never Say Never Again|
|Directed by||Ryu Kitamaru|
|Written by||Malaysian School Children|
|Starring||Sean Connery, Joe Don Baker|
|Runtime||Too damn long|
|Language||English, Spanish, French, Mumbawi|
Never Say Never Again was an 1983 compilation of film loosely disguised as an James Bond Movie, using various sequences from You Only Live Twice. Breaking most box office records in Africa and Europe, while causing mass panic and civil unrest when it was later released in the United States and Canada.
Due to a UN treaty, You Only Live Twice was unable to be released in several African and European countries due to the usage of body waxing and plastic surgery processes until 1983, when the treaty was slightly revised to legalize body waxing.
Having enough stock footage on hand to fill missing sequences for time slot constraints, portions of ABC's stop motion animated 1967 classic Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was substituted. Harrison Ford overdubbed every voice in the film for community service, and Joe Don Baker portrayed Bond in several scenes.
When an angry restaurant owner stabs him 14 times with an bayonet and leaves him for dead (After stepping on a landmine), MI6 decides it is time to send Bond to an remote Physical Therapy clinic in the dense jungles of the Congo. After several weeks of travel by hot air balloon, 007 finnaly reaches his destination, only to find it has been burnt to the ground
by legendary mercenery, Bruce Willis. Bond begins his search for those whom ruined his chances for an peaceful vacation.
Working as an used car salesman, 007 catches onto the trail of Willis' mercenary troop "Tears of the Sun" and buys himself an reindeer as a guide through the treacherous jungles of the congo. However it is not long until Thor catches onto Bond's scheme, and calls in an airstrike using his gameshark.
Seeking shelter in an abandoned missile silo, Bond unknowingly stumbles upon the Wright Brothers, whom agree to chart him a flight to Australia to join forces with Mad Max and Santa Claus to defeat not only Bruce Willis and Sauroman, but to complete the first private Space Shuttle Launch.
At this point, Bond simply uses skills learned in Microsoft Flight Simulator X to fly his way to Maine.
Never Say Never Again was received quite well in the countries it was initially released in, breaking several box office records, Critics panned the film for its lack of continuity, and unclear plotline.
North American Release
Exceeding expectations set by MGM, the film was unknowingly released at the same time as genuine Roger Moore Bond Film "Octopussy", it was an immediate failure, which lead to the second mobbing and killing of Sean Connery (only to be revived by Christopher Walken hours later)
MGM immediately attempted to buy back all copies of the film from Movie Theaters, to be buried in a pit in New Mexico. However, meth addicts began unearthing copies of the film to sell as "Logan's Run". Guards were posted at the site of the disposal area to discourage scavenging.
The James Bond Christmas Special
In 1992, the rights to the film were purchased by CBS for $23,821. Due to the massive amounts of pre-existing Christmas Content in the film it only needed to be slightly retouched, frame by frame, by runaway Malaysian school children using only MS-Paint. It was overdubbed yet again, this time by John Paul Jones and Tom Petty. The plot line was re-engineered to mimic that of "An Charlie Brown Christmas", in which Bond discovers an unloved Italian Prostitute named Breonika, and nurses her back to health on rum and tomatos. They fall in love and travel to the North Pole to be married by Santa Claus but are attacked by Breonika's ex-lover, Jack Frost-after a long and insane battle sequence at Santa's Facility Bond emerges the victor as Robert Plant plays in the background. It formed the basis for the Die Hard Trilogy.
Most viewers are unable to connect this version of the film to that of the original, thus making it an successful Holiday Time Slot filler.
- Never Say Never Again is rumored to be the favorite western film of chinese director, Marlon Brando
- During Desert Storm Never Say Never was broadcast by US forces on all public television channels in Iraq as a form of psychological warfare.
- Segments of the film can be found in Celine Dion's autobiographical film work, "Mutha Fuckas are Forever" during the flashback sequences.
- Was once uploaded in its entirety to Google Video, forcing Skynet to activate.