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- 400 BC - Noted Greek scholar and intellectual Hypocrites denounces extravagant living from his posh ninety-acre woodland mansion.
- 1862 - First American Civil War battle between two Ironclad ships ends in draw after the CSS Virginia argues the war was about "economics, not slavery" as if the two topics are separate.
- 1982 - Time travel party is announced three weeks ago in Baltimore, scientists declare that time travelers don't like Maryland very much.
- 1994 - Bill Gates announces the discovery of a method for men to hold handbags without looking "like gay and shit", men clamor for secret.
- 1996 - Secret to holding a handbag like a man revealed to be: "Who cares what people think, you do you." Men decide to make bigger pants pockets instead.