Anti-Emo Pill
Excited by the success of their most widely known and abused drug, Viagra, the pharmecutical company Pfizer began research on a number of other controversial problems, attempting to isolate the chemical reactions in the human body which caused them, and create a chemical unblocker to remove the problem.
In most of their cases, they failed miserably. But surprisingly, the enterprise they least expected to succeed, the one they kept pouring money into only as a running gag on the researchers assigned to the project, bore fruit. The Anti-Emo pill was born.
Development[edit | edit source]
In the beginning, there were emo kids. And they looked, and they saw that everything was sad. To share their incredibly deep, relevant emotions with the world, they formed communities, chose black as their official color for clothing, jewelry, eye/face/body makeup, hair, tattoos, pets, bedroom paint, and soul. They wrote poetry, and if it was bad poetry, it was only because of the depressing, bleak world they lived in since their fifteen-year-old significant other decided Suzy had a better rack and dumped them.
It seemed little could be done. Angst spread from junior high to junior high, and nobody seemed to care.
Except for Pfizer.
Pfizer, after weeks of exhausting research, developed a method for combining sunshine, rainbows, and baby laughs into a single liquid form. This form was added to a mixture of ground unicorn horns and candy and pressed into tiny, brightly colored pills.
Excited by the discovery, marking experts at Pfizer immediately set to work, absolutely flooding the internet with spam email messages and pop-up ads, to get the word out to the most emos, and parents of emos, in as short a time as possible. The campaign was a success; not with the emos themselves, but with the parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, classmates, and teachers of emos, as well as the owners of local bars, coffee shops, beatnik clubs, hot dog stands, and internet cafes. All these people, and more, contributed to the worldwide effort to ram these pills down the dark, black gullets of the emos.
Efficacy[edit | edit source]
The pills were fast-tracked through the normal FDA approval process because nobody tasked with testing it could wait to get it on the market. Fortunately, it seems Pfizer knew what they were doing; the pill, in empirical tests in the general public, shows a success rate only a few hundredths of a percentage point short of curing each and every person who takes it. In less than a month, Emoism was nearly eradicated in the United States; by the end of that fiscal year, the worldwide emo population had decreased by more than 95%. Pfizer executives, from the comfort of their solid-gold, icewine-filled Olympic hot tubs, were filled with a deep sense of goodwill and job satisfaction, and the many concubines in their harems were overjoyed for their rotund overlords.
Effects[edit | edit source]
The pill combats emoism on several different levels. Primarily, as one might expect, it raises the levels of various happy-making chemicals in the brain, making the user feel high all the time in a most excellent way. The feeling has been described as being akin to rubbing a fuzzy wall while under the effects of a Jefferson. This in itself goes a long way towards combating emoism.
The pill also produces various changes in skin chemistry. It selectively alters the oils that are and are not released onto the skin surface, in such a way that dark pigments are unable to adhere. This renders any and all dark-colored makeup unusable. The emo is then forced to make a choice; give up wearing makeup entirely (a difficult proposition for someone who has relied upon it for so long), or begin wearing eye-searingly bright makeup colors. Most ex-emos choose the latter. This produces an additional cheering effect, not only in the ex-emo but in all the people around him or her. It also means that the all-black attire of the former emo is no longer suitable, and they are forced to select entirely new wardrobes. See the accompanying photo for an example.
Finally, no matter what makeup and clothing choices the ex-emo may make, the pill drives enormous amounts of blood to a specific place in the body, with wonderful effects on everyone around. This drastically improves the life of the partner of the former emo, often causing them to positively glow with satisfaction and walk around with a smug smile for days. It's incredible the effect that rosy cheeks can have on people.
Side Effects[edit | edit source]
Like any other world-changing product, the Anti-Emo pill can change the body chemistry of the emo in unexpected and little-understood ways. The side effects of the anti-emo pill are few, and benign, but there have been isolated incidents, including:
- Increased earwax;
- Sausage fingers;
- Rectal itching;
- Heart reversal;
- Cathisophobia (Fear of sitting);
- Sweet rave parties;
- Stinky navel;
- Sexual Monsterism;
- Compulsive correcting of grammar; and
- Electric head.
These effects have been reported in rare cases, and have never been severe or prolonged. And even if they were, well. It'd still be better than being an emo, amirite?
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