Adiemus

Adiemus can mean:

1) a character from Native American folklore

2) an album of songs about the character who degenerated into plagiarisms of other folkloric chants with nonsense titles such asː "Math was a wizard", "St Declan's drone", "Hermit of the Sea Rock", and, eventually, "Stabat mater".

This article is about definition 1, because the so-called experts at Wikipedia already have an article about definition 2.

Adiemus(Xhosa: Indoda yethu, Hebrew:אדימוס, Egyptian: Adîemesht, Arabic:أديموس, Gaelic: Dyn y llwyth, French: Adiémousse, Germanː Karol Jänkinz) was a very famous Native American hero and also a hero of the tribal world in general. Though his existence is disputed, often by skeptics such as RationalWiki, who made a Skeptics annotated Adiemus, most evidence from tribe paintings and scholarly research suggests he was based on a real person named Adiemus, a Native hunter and surprisingly clever cyborg dud0e. Though Adiemus was already a celebrity in the Tribal world (look at his name, literally meaning our man), he is known by all the modern world because a Welsh singer named Karl Jenkins stole an ancient multi-tribal song about him and credited it to himself, being able to get away with it because the ancient Latin-like African tribal dialect language in which this song was written was forgotten, making it impossible to know they stole it from tribes, and also because it was invented before copyrights. However, the original meaning of Adiemus was lost because people dismissed as gibberish based on non-European music. Karl Jenkins mostly refused to disclose the original meaning, fearing that the copyright-sensitive African Disney employees would chop off his head, playing it as the music of the world, but Scholarly research disproved his claim. Adiemus also drove off most British colonists when he woke up, as evidenced by the deleted UnNews article Indian with a blue metal skeleton drives off British Colonists.

Lexicon for the song(with math metaphors in parentheses)

The lyrics were believed to be total gibberish, (like a mathematical equation), until Highly Careful Scholarly Archaeologist Research, son of Lazy Research and Critical Research-Failure (a Japanese archaeologist) unearthed a Proto-Indo-European/Proto-Xhosa translation guide(school book) from a Boston Library dumpster. Using this valuable resource, they recreated the chant using what he knew from Proto-Indo European with the help of an Anonymous expert skilled with PIE(math). After telling him that PIE is an acronym, meaning he's not allowed to cook, Research and the Anonymous expert got to work, learned Proto-Xhosa(maths) for 13 hours, or for a day minus 11 hours, listened to Adiemus(read the equation), translated it(solved it) using their new Proto-Xhosa(math) skills, and released this document to the New York Times(teacher) for its article, until our highly trained thieves(bad students) stole(copied) this guide from the Times, and used it to create(use in their book)... Ladies and gentlemen, introducing... *Drum Roll* a drum roll to introduce... *Drum Roll* our own guide. Since the lyrics are repetitive, this is a guide for what some verses mean (by order of first apparition):

• When it says "Ariadiamus late", it means Our man was awesome.

Note: For proper nouns, being preceded by an ari- prefix is basically the Proto-Xhosa equivalent of being succeeded by was.

• When it says "Ariadiamus da", it means Our man was here. Note: Da means "here" because it was the way Germanic tribes' descendants, the Germans, say here.

Note: Scholarly Consensus(not to be confused with Scholarly Research despite same first name) says that it is a way of saying that Adiemus was an existing man, as in real. This obviously confirms Adiemus's existence.

• When it says "Ari a natus late adua", it means The child (literally: "born one") left late.

Note: Adua is the present form of Adeya, meaning leave in Xhosa. This have been compared to many people to a person's pregnancy lasting very fast, except in reverse. This establishes Adiemus as a special, legendary character connected to the gods, since obviously only a native american god can make a person stay in the womb for more than nine months.

• When it says "Aravare tue vate", it means The hunter killed cows (literally: Hunter was kill cows).

Note: Historians knew that Aravare meant hunter was (see item 1's note, and vare means hunter), but the meaning of "tue vate" was unknown until a French man saw that tue sounds like "tuer"(to kill) and that vate sounds like "vache" (a French slang for cows often used to refer to your mom). He was dismissed by the Big United Luxembourgese-Lithuanian Super-Historian International Team's American Super Subsidiary as a brain-damaged idiot due to thinking that sounding like a word in another unrelated language will make it have a similar meaning, and also because of his eccentric belief that there were cows in North America, and that Africans would have a word for cows. However, their beliefs were refuted when buffaloes, an evolutionary descendant of cows, were discovered in North America, and someone pointed out the French descend from the Frankish tribes, and that Big United Luxembourgese-Lithuanian Super-Historian International Team is acronymised as B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T., meaning that they found bull shit in America, proving that there were cows here because cows are female bulls. Though some scholars have recently suggested that it actually credits Aravare, a "Tuè vàthe"(goddess/fairy), and the patron goddess of Adiemus' tribe, for Adiemus' long pregnancy.

• When it says "Aravara tue vate latea", it means [the] hunter killed cows with milk (not meaning that he used milk to kill cows, or that he used the other type of milk to make the cows die).

Note: The meaning of "Aravare tue vate" was discussed above, and the phrase latea was often used after a noun to mean "with milk". According to historian Hannah Montana, they feared that the feminist movement (yes it existed in tribalism, and it began with people removing grammatical gender) would erase their word for bulls: oxo. They therefore decided to say that the cows have milk, to make it known that Adiemus killed only female bovines. Of course milk not being frog semen that cows often regurgitated on bulls. Though Goddessists claim that latea means "impregnates", referring to Adiemus being born of a threesome between his parents and a shapeshifted Aravare, ensuring that Adiemus would get all the genes Aravare gave herself with shapeshifting and thus be a 1/3 god.

• When it says "Anamana coole rawe, anamana coole ra, anamana coole rawe akala", it means this genius was so cool, this genius so cool this genius was so cool he made himself.

Note: When a word is preceded with an adverb like, "so", the so was succeded by the suffix -we instead of the noun being preceded by ari. And the common noun here is preceded by ana-, the CN equivalent of ari-. Proto-Xhosa is a complex language like English or French, you know?

• When it says "Hadû aye" (common spelling: Ah-ya doo ay-eh), it means metal bones.

Note: Often believed to be a scream, added so the Hindus among them could let out their frustration of speaking about a cow killer, because it's Hindu custom to eat your prey and the Hindus wanted the biggest portion of cows. Until the original manuscript was discovered, and Scholarly Research found out that hadû (pronounciation mimics falling burning metal sounds) means metal and aye means bones. Until Charles Francis Xavier proposed it could be them invoking Hayyadaya, their god of being born late, telling him to praise Adiemus because Adiemus is so awesome Hayyadaya worships him. However, African priests removed his reviews because they don't believe in Hayyadaya, because no god would worship mortals. They also reinvented Adiemus to have made himself a metal exoskeleton instead of having made himself, because he doesn't want Adiemus to be that cool, for they need to portray Adiemus as a gods-fearing paladin not a cool hunter. This criticism comes from Charles Xavier, who is a Catholic because his name is that of a Catholic saint, and thus believes that all non-Christianity religions are satanic traps.

Biography

Using information from Scholarly Research documented above found in his diary and old tribe tablets from Native America and France, Connor Clusions made a conclusion. Most historians can agree that Adiemus was a super-intelligent cow hunter born to cow hunter Raccoon Guire and to young woman Alma Guire under the name of Smart Guire. Most people believe that his more than 9-month pregnancy is a divine act of the gods, and thus fake. However, most archaeologists believe, from Scholarly Research's research, that the "gods"(actually demons... demons meaning fairies, mind you) hacked into Alma Guire's first cell and genetically modified her so her first child would spend more time in her womb and thus be more developed. Adiemus was born with special priestly assistance, by that I mean the priest stretching open Alma's cavity with his hands, a method he learned while on a drug trip to China and a discourse with the philosopher Goa Tse. He grew up to become a great hunter like his father, and he set up elaborate traps to kill cows(but he never hunted himself, because he was somewhat frail due to some sort of genetic defect related to his god-engineered overcook, and also because it would be counterproductive to hunt oneself).

Exoskeleton

At the age of 9 he, using blue metal, began to construct himself an exoskeleton to solve his frailty. He worked on it every night, and used iron he dug up using the Giant Indian Mole, Vibranium obtained in Shaman's intertribal relation meetings with Wakanda, and polished it using burning water he bought from the priest's Holy Sacred Temple of Stone Tree Man using sold cow flesh. He also used carbon fiber harvested from the carbon-based life around him to make the engines and inner wiring, and used Mountain Dew from his Mountain Dew god Mantendu, who Adiemus offered 69 buffalo sacrifices to every 42nd second of 3:33 on a May Wednesday, to power it. When he was 20 years old, he decided to integrate the exoskeleton in his body. He asked, by being a son of the Gods, the priest to cut up his flesh at his joints and back to implant in neurally-connecting ports needed for the exoskeleton's engines to connect to his body like muscles. He also had his parents connect the joints and assemble the exoskeleton. They were surprised and called Medecine Man to exorcise his "demons" when he found out that he made glowing centipedes(Scholarly Consensus speculates this might be segmented tubes with centipede legs to clasp and hold his body... it's an exoskeleton thing.), but the were relieved when they found out from the priest that he's not demon-possessed, just superhuman and supersmart due to divine influence. After learning about their child's background, they soon assembled the exoskeleton by plugging in the centipede to his ports, first forming a stick figure behind him with its articulations as his joints and its back at his back, and then the claws quickly fastened to his body, enclosing his arm, arm, leg, leg, neck, belly, and chest with its "legs". It came along with a brain-hacking machine which he could use to put himself to sleep.

Popularity

Adiemus became really popular among tribes for his strange technology and possibly long hair. The chant about him was, according to Harry S. Torian, "just the beginning of universal tribe-knowledge of Adiemus. The tribesmen would tell their children about Adiemus since they were very young.", the Mesopotamians based Gilgamesh on him, the Greek based Hercules on him, the Irish based Cu Chùlainn on him, and the Americans based Chuck Norris on him. Eventually, as documented by his journal, Adiemus expressed disgust at his fame attracting Paparazzi (a humanoid species of parasites that feed on fame energy radiated from famous people), causing him to use his exoskeleton to hibernate.

Reemergence

In 19999 BC, the British arrived to Native America to colonize it, but they were halted by Adiemus, who woke up in response to his homeland being defiled by pale men in blood coats. The British Major General Stanley was puzzled at a Native American being so smart he made himself metal bones, but he was no historian. This led to the British-Adiemus War, a 24-hour conflict which was won by Adiemus tricking the British into thinking he's the cannonman by wearing a moustache made of Tapir hair by a Priest, and telling Admiral Gilbert Ackbarː "I am Cannonman, hear me roar!" and he used it to shoot out the British with the help of Native American gods of war, of victory, of killing, and of cannons, and of course the god of stone, Stone Tree Man.

Time

According to old top-secret Time records, after making a report about it, Time Magazine got the idea to make a Time Machine to learn more about Adiemus' origins. However, this machine needed something from the past because it was age-powered. Therefore they went on a mission to kidnap Adiemus and use his age to power the time machine.

Tracking Adiemus

Time, according to its first director's diary, made a deal with the British Crown, who really wanted Adiemus to stop them from preventing to colonize Native America. The Crown gave him 6,000,000 elite soldiers fresh from the oven or some ambiguous place he doesn't know, ten elite elite soldiers, who are elite soldiers given extra training directly by a triumvirate formed by a time-displaced Julius Ceasar, Joseph Stalin and Genghis Khan, and the most elite elite elite soldier, Captain Britain, an elite elite soldier whose physical capabilities and condition were enhanced using a super serum along with the typical elite elite soldier training. The purpose of this sudden waste of elite soldiers is to provide Time Magazine's army strength in numbers to allow Adiemus no chance of escape.

So, yeah, the British Crown sent all their best soldiers to Native America just to catch Adiemus. Their methods include:

• "Wanted" posters.
  • Bounty hunters. Though Adiemus found and dismantled them all because he's a smartass
• Massacring Native Americans.
  • Just to make sure Adiemus doesn't pretend to be a tribesman, even though his exoskeleton and divinely lightened hair would tell him apart.
  • This backfired when the tribes chose to turn themselves into Wendigos by eating themselves. And also, Adiemus got somewhat pissed off when he saw that the British are turning whole tribes into Wendigos.
• Stand in front of a Trap.
  • For they would serve as a perfect lure, given that an angry Adiemus would blindly attack them and thus avenge his fallen tribesmen.
• Promise to ressurect all dead Native Americans by bringing in all their past selves with their time Machine.
  • Or else Adiemus won't cooperate

Building a time machine

Now that they've got Adiemus cooperating, they used the help of mad scientist Nikola "Nyarlathotep" Tesla to build a machine that harvests age in order to send people back in time. However Nyarlathotep Tesla made the machine to go back in time because he is the devil and he wanted Adiemus to kill rival messiah Jesus Christ and he made a deal with Adiemus to give him his own planet if Adiemus slays a foe. However Adiemus was immune to such lies, probably because a Native American would not have an idea of what's a planet.

Then Adiemus went to where Christ was being born and, after seeing the Magi offering Him gifts, Adiemus gave Christ Jesus the gift of being depicted as white in the future. Much suggests that this foresight incident and transgression of Physics Law offended the Magi so much they gave Mary the gift of not remembering this horrible blasphemy, and also shared it all with the whole 1st Century Jewry and Gentilery. This is why there are no surviving records of Adiemus, except for some old tablets that survived due to protection by Native American god of time Chronarion. Since Time's records were protected by the time energy, they were exempt from the mass wipe. And about the records written AFTER the mindwipe? Common consensus is that they were removed by the British Crown out of shame.

Fate

After being forgotten, Adiemus chose to retire in a ravine, where he painted stuff such as badgers or buffaloes. He eventually drowned at the hands of a river.