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From today's featured article

White History Month, (also known as Caucasian History Month), is an annual observance for remembrance of important people and events in the history of the Caucasian diaspora. It is celebrated annually in the United States every September. Before the United States was established, Caucasians were a minority race outnumbered by Africans, Asians and even Indians; they were often negated to ghettos and inner slums in their native hometowns of Europe and the United Kingdom. The treatment of them were staggering, many of them were forced to panhandle for money because they could not find work from their black employers, many of them were also beaten up in a show of superiority from the police force of which few Caucasians were admitted. It was not until the beginning of the American revolution that the caucasians would see a massive rise in population, thus bringing them closer to their peers.

With the establishment of the United States, the Caucasians made a place for their own; however, there was a huge problem in that African masters would often venture into the United States looking for Caucasian slaves. While enslaved, they were forced to do menial labor such as harvest crops and clean up the bathrooms of said Africans and whenever said Caucasian would get out of control, they'd be whipped or much worse, killed in front of their peers. (Full article...)

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In the news

Sesame Street finally exploits the fact that it's on HBO

That's a fucking excellent idea!

Editorial note: Fakelogo template
Sesame Street finally realizes it's on HBO (Pictured)
Beto O'Rourke puts finishing touches on 2020 Presidential concession speech
Roman Catholic Church canonizes Frosty the Snowman as a divine being
Studies show clinical depression at an all-time low
Trump news roundup: Plea deals, felonies, and a little girl dies in Border Patrol
Santa Claus now "probably about a four" on the Kinsey scale
Whirlpool Galaxy files restraining order against Neil deGrasse Tyson
Jeff Bezos caught stuffing old fat dude into his trunk
Trump releases abhorrent holiday stimulus package
George H.W. Bush dies: Best and worst of his life
Murphy Brown revival not cancelled, (Dan Quayle joke withheld in light of recent events)

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Did you know

... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?

... that Malcom X absolutely loved Kentucky Fried Chicken? (Pictured)

... that Robert Shaw won the Northeast Regional Dogfishing Open in 1974, the first sporting event to be broadcast on the new ESPN network?
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?

... that the Qu'ran was originally taken from a page in the Thomas the Tank Engine activity and coloring book? (Pictured)

... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?

... that your nipples (Pictured) can fall off?

... that nobody asked?
... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?

... that Margaret Thatcher (Pictured) died thirty years too late?

... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?

... that Pennywise the Clown wants to entertain you? (Pictured)

... tennis isn't just a game?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?

... that Gypsies are stealing your carrots right now? (Pictured)

... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?

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On this day

January 7: Black Karl Marx Day

698 - King Arthur has a white wine with his cottage pie instead of a red, the round table become concerned.
1608 - The settlement of Jamestown, Virginia burns down after a careless farmer leaves the smoking tobacco too close to the firewood.
1954 - The first demonstration of computer speech is performed in Georgetown University by an IBM machine, it says: suck it nerds
1959 - The U.S. Government sends Fidel Castro fifteen crates of the finest American cigars, which only look like live sticks of dynamite.
1989 - In response to allegations of class reductionism, the Democratic Socialists of America release the new and improved Black Karl Marx, now 40% more intersectional. (Pictured)
2012 - Pope Francis excommunicates the Vatican's fancy Pope throne in favor of a lame white chair, the peasants cheer, but God cries.
2017 - Black Karl Marx calls one of his female colleagues honeybun, is temporarily taken out of commission.