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It's been 25 years since your grandmother died and I remembered how you cried like a little pussy as she wasted away into an emaciated pile of death. She'd bring us lemonade with a smile hiding her loneliness (being a widow and all from your grandfather's freak unexpected death). I think I deserved her love more than you but, you know, she was your grandma. I think she loved me more than she loved you, but I never said that because that would be an asshole move, and I love you brah, would never be a dick to you.

We were young and awesome (especially me) with no idea about the hardships that would come with adult life. That is why I found it kind of hilarious to see her helpless in her hospital bed gagging on a tube. The irony is that she lived a selfless life and yet the universe didn't care. She spent her last days are with a tube down her throat unable to breathe. Of course I didn't laugh out loud (even though it was super funny), because that would have been terribly insensitive and I am a deeply caring awesome guy, especially when you are concerned. So I waited 10 years until I thought you'd be receptive to the hysterical comedic nature of that scene watching Grandma rot away in pain. Wasn't it a classic hoot? (Full article...)

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In the news

Sesame Street finally exploits the fact that it's on HBO

That's a fucking excellent idea!

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Sesame Street finally realizes it's on HBO (Pictured)
Beto O'Rourke puts finishing touches on 2020 Presidential concession speech
Roman Catholic Church canonizes Frosty the Snowman as a divine being
Studies show clinical depression at an all-time low
Trump news roundup: Plea deals, felonies, and a little girl dies in Border Patrol
Santa Claus now "probably about a four" on the Kinsey scale
Whirlpool Galaxy files restraining order against Neil deGrasse Tyson
Jeff Bezos caught stuffing old fat dude into his trunk
Trump releases abhorrent holiday stimulus package
George H.W. Bush dies: Best and worst of his life
Murphy Brown revival not cancelled, (Dan Quayle joke withheld in light of recent events)

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Did you know

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?
... the muffin man?
... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
... that Liechtenstein is completely pointless?
... that Ram Ranch really rocks?
... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?

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On this day

January 7: Black Karl Marx Day

698 - King Arthur has a white wine with his cottage pie instead of a red, the round table become concerned.
1608 - The settlement of Jamestown, Virginia burns down after a careless farmer leaves the smoking tobacco too close to the firewood.
1954 - The first demonstration of computer speech is performed in Georgetown University by an IBM machine, it says: suck it nerds
1959 - The U.S. Government sends Fidel Castro fifteen crates of the finest American cigars, which only look like live sticks of dynamite.
1989 - In response to allegations of class reductionism, the Democratic Socialists of America release the new and improved Black Karl Marx, now 40% more intersectional. (Pictured)
2012 - Pope Francis excommunicates the Vatican's fancy Pope throne in favor of a lame white chair, the peasants cheer, but God cries.
2017 - Black Karl Marx calls one of his female colleagues honeybun, is temporarily taken out of commission.