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From today's featured article

Fuck Around and Find Out, often abbreviated to FAFO, is a philosophy often used by parents, teachers and scholars worldwide to explain why a person may suddenly find out they have a boot solidly lodged 14 inches into their rectum. It is mainly used on children whose sense of entitlement and petulance has reached a breaking point and their parents feel that talking won't work and grounding will make fuck all of a difference. The kid fucked around, the kid then found out. They didn't quite realize they were finding out right away because before awareness of said boot up their ass sent in, their head was being whacked so hard by rolled up newspaper their brain shifted and the boot in anus processed 0.5 seconds later. Eventually they all find out, even if it is delayed by a minor concussion. (Full article...)

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In the news

Sesame Street finally exploits the fact that it's on HBO

That's a fucking excellent idea!

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Sesame Street finally realizes it's on HBO (Pictured)
Beto O'Rourke puts finishing touches on 2020 Presidential concession speech
Roman Catholic Church canonizes Frosty the Snowman as a divine being
Studies show clinical depression at an all-time low
Trump news roundup: Plea deals, felonies, and a little girl dies in Border Patrol
Santa Claus now "probably about a four" on the Kinsey scale
Whirlpool Galaxy files restraining order against Neil deGrasse Tyson
Jeff Bezos caught stuffing old fat dude into his trunk
Trump releases abhorrent holiday stimulus package
George H.W. Bush dies: Best and worst of his life
Murphy Brown revival not cancelled, (Dan Quayle joke withheld in light of recent events)

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Did you know

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)
... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
... that Uncyclopedia regularly kills its editors mid-sent
... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?

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On this day

January 7: Black Karl Marx Day

698 - King Arthur has a white wine with his cottage pie instead of a red, the round table become concerned.
1608 - The settlement of Jamestown, Virginia burns down after a careless farmer leaves the smoking tobacco too close to the firewood.
1954 - The first demonstration of computer speech is performed in Georgetown University by an IBM machine, it says: suck it nerds
1959 - The U.S. Government sends Fidel Castro fifteen crates of the finest American cigars, which only look like live sticks of dynamite.
1989 - In response to allegations of class reductionism, the Democratic Socialists of America release the new and improved Black Karl Marx, now 40% more intersectional. (Pictured)
2012 - Pope Francis excommunicates the Vatican's fancy Pope throne in favor of a lame white chair, the peasants cheer, but God cries.
2017 - Black Karl Marx calls one of his female colleagues honeybun, is temporarily taken out of commission.