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From today's featured article

Analog horror (Horrori internetus analogus) is an invasive species that have infested the realms of the interwebs, especially in the deserted landscape known as YouTube. Some traits that these species share include horrible visual effects, some dumb storyline of someone recording a video then dying for no reason, stretched out faces, and absurd amounts of static. It is an incredibly dangerous species and it is highly advised to not walk near it, as immediate contact with it can lead to severe health issues such as boredom and, in the worst of cases, cringe. (Full article...)

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In the news

Sesame Street finally exploits the fact that it's on HBO

That's a fucking excellent idea!

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Sesame Street finally realizes it's on HBO (Pictured)
Beto O'Rourke puts finishing touches on 2020 Presidential concession speech
Roman Catholic Church canonizes Frosty the Snowman as a divine being
Studies show clinical depression at an all-time low
Trump news roundup: Plea deals, felonies, and a little girl dies in Border Patrol
Santa Claus now "probably about a four" on the Kinsey scale
Whirlpool Galaxy files restraining order against Neil deGrasse Tyson
Jeff Bezos caught stuffing old fat dude into his trunk
Trump releases abhorrent holiday stimulus package
George H.W. Bush dies: Best and worst of his life
Murphy Brown revival not cancelled, (Dan Quayle joke withheld in light of recent events)

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Did you know

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?

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On this day

January 7: Black Karl Marx Day

698 - King Arthur has a white wine with his cottage pie instead of a red, the round table become concerned.
1608 - The settlement of Jamestown, Virginia burns down after a careless farmer leaves the smoking tobacco too close to the firewood.
1954 - The first demonstration of computer speech is performed in Georgetown University by an IBM machine, it says: suck it nerds
1959 - The U.S. Government sends Fidel Castro fifteen crates of the finest American cigars, which only look like live sticks of dynamite.
1989 - In response to allegations of class reductionism, the Democratic Socialists of America release the new and improved Black Karl Marx, now 40% more intersectional. (Pictured)
2012 - Pope Francis excommunicates the Vatican's fancy Pope throne in favor of a lame white chair, the peasants cheer, but God cries.
2017 - Black Karl Marx calls one of his female colleagues honeybun, is temporarily taken out of commission.