UnNews:Editorial: I don't mean to be rude, but please don't do that to my daughter

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10 March 2013

The daughter in question.
The water squirter in question.

CLEVELAND, OHIO - Hi, I'm not trying to seem like a prude here, but I would really appreciate if you stopped everything you have been doing with my daughter. Look, I get it. You are a chef at one of these fun, hip Japanese Steakhouses. It is your job to somehow cook a gourmet meal while also being the night's entertainment. You started off so well, but, ah, what can I say? You're starting to make me a little uncomfortable. No offense.

So, look, I've been to one of these places before. I kind of know most of the tricks they teach you in whatever hibachi grill school that you all must have attended at some time. It is my daughter's first time at one of these places, however, and I don't want her to get the ‎wrong idea. When you started out with the giant ball of fire she seemed so surprised and enthralled. When you made the volcano with that onion, it was great. Adding the spices to the top of the fire to make little sparks was also a nice touch. The egg roll was fine, and the way you are able to crack the egg on the edge of your large metal spatula is skillful in a way that I and many others could never hope to achieve. It was following this, however, where I feel that you began to veer off the rails somewhat.

To start, I just want to say that I thought it was as funny as everyone at the table did when you brought out the water squirter that looked like a little boy, and started to squirt everyone with it. Classic Comedy! But, if I can be honest with you for just a moment, I was a little disquieted when you began spraying my daughter in the face with it over and over for about 20 seconds, all the while giggling to yourself and smiling very creepily in her direction. But hey, I'm not one to question the different customs of people from other cultures. I decided I was being a little overprotective of my darling girl, and try to give you the benefit of the doubt. Still, telling her to "Smile at me, God dammit," when you were done made me decide to keep my eye on you. And I don't want you to think this is a race issue or anything like that. Your actions were just giving me cause for concern. So, you could understand my continued wariness when you began flipping shrimp into a few of the customer's mouths, and again singled my daughter out. I don't want to upset you, but the way you continued to flip shrimp, chicken and vegetables into her mouth and at her face, all the while yelling at her to "Open wider," made me question what you were really doing. When you took out your camera-phone while her mouth was as open as it could get and snapped a photo "for later" I thought you might have crossed a line there a little bit.

What really was the straw that broke the camel's back, however, was when you used the baby octopus that another guest had ordered and tried to get my daughter to flick one of its tentacles with her tongue. At this point you had definitely worn out any pretense that you were simply trying to entertain the table. When you kept insisting that she do it, even with my constant protests against it, I noticed the rest of the table had gone from chuckling nervously to outright disgusted looks. I don't really know how to say this, so I'll just put it out there; I'm internet savvy enough to know what a tentacle monster is, and that Japanese hentai seems to be chock full of it. I'm not trying to say that just because you are Japanese, you must be into hentai and tentacle porn, but you have to see that you are inviting the stereotype.

Oh, and sorry for having to lay into you like this. I might be overreacting here and being a bit overprotective of my little girl, but I've tried not to upset you in any way. You're a great chef. My fried rice, filet mignon and grilled shrimp have all been delectable. However, I'm a little worried that people are starting to judge you out there, and that's the last thing I want to see. So, I'm willing to start fresh if you are! I did overhear you suggest a dessert for my daughter try out. If this "bukkake fountain" is anything like a chocolate fountain count us in!

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