UnNews:Paedophiles Rejoice Over New Child Database

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28 May 2008

Equal opportunities for paedophiles look like taking a huge step forward thanks to government plans to maintain an almost complete list of all children in the United Kingdom. Information stored in the database will include details such as favourite sweets, Pokemon preference as well as school name and address.

A well known paedophile enjoys the news

The first stage will only be rolled out in England because Welsh and Scottish children are so damn ugly and no one will want to screw them. The system is different from the national ID database in that the child database will only feature those under the age of 14, thereby reducing the risk of unsuspecting paedophiles accidentally grooming anyone of a legal age.

Mr X, a paedophile from Milton Keynes (details withheld for his protection) comments:

Mr X continues:

There were some initial fears that not all paedophiles would have access to the information they needed, but this concern was squashed when Jacqui Smith (British home secretary) announced that over 300,000 people would be given the password. In a statement given at the house of commons Mrs Smith stated:

Although the new database is proving popular amongst fans of the younger generation, many parents have not been so happy. The database will store details of all children in the country except those who are of "Celebrity status". This caused friction with some parents finding their children listed, when friends (of slightly higher celebrity status) were not.

Mrs Simpkins of Notting Hill comments:


  • Everychildmatters "ContactPoint" everychildmatters.gov.uk, 21 February 2008