User talk:Scofield/Archive 1

♥♥♥ I love you. ♥♥♥

The reason for this being that I get to use this new and shiny template to say hi!! Yes, this does indeed mean I lied to you -- you smell and no one loves you. Anyways, you look like you could use a buddy. We're all good friends around here, so here's some important stuff to help you out!

WELCOME.

• Beginner's Guide - this has lots of really cool stuff in it. I think.
• Our Vanity Policies - why we don't care about your grandmother, your gay teachers, or your dog.
• How to Be Funny and Not Just Stupid - how to be loved, even though you smell bad, and occasionally experience the uncontrollable urge to dance to 80's music.

If for some reason you you still want to find out more, these will help a bunch!

• About Uncyclopedia and The Five Pliers of Uncyclopedia
• How to Get Started Editing on Uncyclopedia
• Help Pages

One more thing! When you do stuff, remember to sign your name using four tildes or just that weird looking sign () button at the top of the little edit box thingy. Anyways, I've gotta go practice being a fairy princess. Love,  

90210

I moved it out of Pee Review because that's not where you build your article. You can work on it in the mainspace link above. —Pelozurian (talk) 10:21, 30 June 2010 (UTC)

Scofield

In general, we don't need your help with already-featured articles. It doesn't help anyone if you edit articles like Prison Break or Dragon Warrior. See that star on the upper-right hand side of the page? That means the article has already been featured by the community, and you shouldn't edit it unless there's something really, really wrong with it.

In the case of Dragon Warrior, see how it has a gold star next to the silver star? That's to indicate that it won "#1 article of 2009," which means that every experienced editor on the site has seen the page. If there were anything wrong with it, they would have caught it.

You really should stick to writing your own articles and improving non-featured articles that have problems with them. pillow talk 17:13, October 24, 2010 (UTC)

Every article can be improved in small ways. I really don't think you should undo minor revisions. And admittedly, some of my not-so-minor revisions deserved to be reverted, but let's leave it at that, shall we? Scofield 17:31, October 24, 2010 (UTC)

You're putting two "minor revisions" in there... for reasons I cannot discern. The first one is adding a byte to the article by putting an unnecessary newline between the categories. While this makes absolutely no difference whatsoever, it's slightly better the way it is because it uses up one less byte of server space. As for the second, changing "tasks" to "tasketh," I don't like it. I think a single syllable captures the incredulous/annoyed tone better, and I don't like the "tasketh/giveth" parallel - it's too much "eth" for one sentence. Scofield, the article is fine. Leave it alone. pillow talk 05:29, October 25, 2010 (UTC)

Isn't that the point? I mean it's Old English, so there's gotta be a lot of "eth" to make it funny. Also, even "giveth" has two syllables from where I see it. So should that become "gives" or something? I put this edit in almost a month ago, and nobody cared back then! Scofield 07:18, October 25, 2010 (UTC)

Variety is the spice of comedy, Scofield. People often think "Wouldn't it be funny if this convention was excessively overused?" But then when you put it down on paper, you end up realizing "Oh. That's just a little obnoxious." pillow talk 16:48, October 25, 2010 (UTC)

UnNews:Obama warns of apocalypse if Republicans win

Glad you saw the point and reverted your own change to this--"foreign AIDS" was the reality; "foreign AID" was an intentional misreading by the story's author. Spıke ¬ 12:00 3-Nov-10

Mercy move of User:Scofield/UnNews:Major Drug Company Acquisition protested

This one isn't ready for the Front Page and I've given it what we call a mercy-move to your own userspace for further work, under the title shown above.

• Please read our Style Guide, UnNews:Style.
• I've changed the headline, as the reader won't yet know who either Abstergo or the Brotherhood is.
• When you write a story not based on real-world news, it needs the {{Original}} tag.

Now for the big problem: This is more a short story than a funny UnNews. The reader learns from the first sentence that a company he's never heard of has bought some real estate he doesn't care about. The story has exactly two links, both to Nobody cares. The key to making this funny is that it's got to read like a news story, and this doesn't--especially when you give a tutorial "For those unaware....at least, that's what we think."

Likewise, the Brotherhood makes a hysterical charge that is instantly dismissed. In summary, in the state this story is in right now, the bottom line is: Nobody cares. Hope you will finish it and relate it to the reader, or especially to themes in the day's newspaper. Spıke ¬ 12:12 3-Nov-10

Mercy runs out

I'm afraid your article has been deleted. You did fix the small stuff, but the big problem remained. I asked an admin ChiefjusticeDS for his opinion (it was the second UnNews of the overnight that we had to decide on):

This story does have a registered owner, Scofield, I mercy-moved it to his userspace with a comment on his talk page. It has returned; some of the small stuff is fixed; the big stuff is not; to-wit, it is not funny. Would you care to decide for yourself on this last, and if necessary, intervene?

He has intervened and it is gone. I realize that the deleted version is more advanced than the version I moved to your space, and have asked him if it can be recovered. In the meantime, the lesson is that you can write odd short stories all you want in your userspace, but in UnNews we are looking for stuff that's real, just misinterpreted, and that will be funny--for example, it might directly relate to something stupid someone did in real life. This is the "link to reality" that we talk about in the style guide.

Separately--

• Do you realize Denver is a city, not a state?
• Cities are capitalized in the dateline.
• And no extra capital letters in the headlines. Only at the start, and for proper names and so on. Spıke ¬ 23:44 3-Nov-10

Mercy, the sequel

Here is the newer one User:Scofield/UnNews:Major Drug Company Acquisition protested. Keep working on it. --ChiefjusticeDS 07:19, November 4, 2010 (UTC)

Actually the whole "link to reality" thing is that Abstergo was the antagonist company in Assassin's Creed. But the game takes place two years after the 2010, so I kinda want to give the readers an idea of what this is all about, but without making any overt references to the game. If only somebody had listened to the Brotherhod today..... Scofield 08:12, November 4, 2010 (UTC)

Thank you for the explanation! Maybe an overt reference would be helpful to the majority of your readers who don't play that game, including your humble Editor. If I had known that this is game-cruft and not something you completely pulled out of a bodily orifice, I would have just shrugged and walked away. Still, articles that require the reader to be a fan of something--like the Star Trek episode you wish they had made--are on thinner ice. Spıke ¬ 10:52 4-Nov-10

I have included a picture from the game, do u think that's enough? Scofield 11:34, November 4, 2010 (UTC)

I don't know what's enough. Just please keep all your audiences in mind! Spıke ¬ 11:45 4-Nov-10

Ah, I see. Yes, the screen shot helps the non-gamer see where you are coming from. Thanks. Spıke ¬ 11:47 4-Nov-10

I hope you're not being sarcastic here.... Scofield 12:23, November 4, 2010 (UTC)

Not at all. Spıke ¬ 12:36 4-Nov-10

UnNews:"You Are Dead" coming to cinema

Congratulations! It's a little "inside baseball" but it merits today's 1-spot on the Front Page. Spıke ¬ 20:47 9-Nov-10

For the record...

I'm not an admin... and I rather hope to stay that way.

G'day. ~ *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101111 - 16:33 (UTC)

Then how the heck can you revert my edits? --Scofield 16:34, November 11, 2010 (UTC)

Edits are edits; anyone can undo them so long as the history is there and the page is not locked. ~ *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101111 - 16:40 (UTC)

As for the review itself...

Well, you have a point about the images, I'll grant you that. As for the rest of it, I'm glad you liked the article, but what you said was just not that useful. You don't go beyond saying some stuff is good and not so good, you do not say why nor suggest what can be improved, certainly not how, and yet you previously argued that anything 'can be improved in small ways'. The point of getting a review is so that others may point out what may be improved and potential ways, large or small, or at least that was my impression.

And reviews certainly are not the time or place to attempt to harass other users. If you have issues with users, please bring them up on their talkpages or some such. In general, though, you really should try to be nicer to the person for whom you are reviewing - the pee review is a system for helping people, not for calling them bitches and losers and otherwise acting on grudges.

But... what is done is done. How DARE we revert you, eh? We did not revert your edits because it was a featured article but simply because they were not really helping the article. I believe was Hyperbole's point was that if an article is featured, it is much less likely to need editing, doesn't mean it doesn't, doesn't mean others do. What you were doing really was not helping. If you work on ones marked as bad for now, you are less likely to be reverted, because new edits have less to live up to within those. And if edits do not fit in an article, chances are they will be reverted as well. Just in general. Hope that clarifies things. ~ *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101111 - 20:07 (UTC)

Article

Here it is. --ChiefjusticeDS 14:33, November 12, 2010 (UTC)

UnNews:Jeff Coatsworth arrested in corruption scam

I've fixed the dateline and some bits of grammar. Thanks for using the {{Original}} tag. My first reaction was that it needs additional work:

• On the first line: "leading" and "controversial" are value judgements. You are writing a "news" story, not a screenplay!
• "NGO" is a term that will confuse readers who don't study the United Nations.
• The final paragraph states a conclusion.
• The rest of the first paragraph tells me that a lawyer I don't know, with a firm I've never heard of (and lawyers don't "work for" a firm, they are "partners in" or merely "with" the firm), has some unsavory dealings in a lawsuit against a company I've never heard of, for an offense I don't care about. Didn't make me want to keep reading.

Ah--okay--I get it--This is another news story I'd understand completely if only I watched the same comedy series you watched, and it would even give me fond memories of that great episode. But can you tell me where the humor is? Is it in your article, or in the TV show? Spıke ¬ 17:29 17-Nov-10

The TV episode I based this article on was broadcast in 2007, with a flashforward of "3 years later" (hence my impeccable timing) showing Mr Jeff Coatsworth being whisked out of his office just the way I described it. Both NH&W and Tuckahoe Funland were featured in that episode, and I think anybody who remembers watching it will be in splits after reading this. The episode only showed glimpses of rampant corruption in the organizations, I just decided to make a story out of it. Scofield 13:12, November 18, 2010 (UTC)

I think we have to buy you a subscription to the New York Times. Nevertheless, I refer to your story in this morning's UnNews:Maher says "one side makes crap up". Spıke ¬ 13:30 18-Nov-10

I already have a subscription to a national daily, thank you very much. --Scofield 12:50, November 19, 2010 (UTC)

Dragon Warrior

As per marks above, this is one of the top ten of 2009 (shared number one if I recall correctly) please make sure to minimize your edits to it, including page moves. Page moves, in general, should very limited and especially with high traffic articles as you're likely to bugger any pages that points to it. Thanks. ~ 17:13, November 22, 2010 (UTC)

It was a mistake. I already apologized on the talk page!--Scofield 13:51, November 24, 2010 (UTC)

OK, try not to experiment unless you're sure of what you're doing. Thanks. ~ 15:00, November 24, 2010 (UTC)

A Thank You Note

Dear Sir, thank you for your helpful contributions to the uncyclopedia article on Sir Sean Connery. It has been a great challenge for the entire uncyclopedia community to ensure that Sir Connery's article maintains total accuracy by way of spelling every word in that article phonetically to his marvelous accent. It is with contributors like you that we keep Sean's article up to the top snuff snuffable. May you continue to be the superb editor and keen eye that you have shown yourself to be. --Big Jay

Next time, kindly add new messages to the bottom of the page. --Scofield 14:24, December 1, 2010 (UTC)

I am hugely sorry for my stupid, stupid, mistake. --Big Jay

Adding at the bottom is a convention on virtually all talk pages here. Alternatively, though, the owner can reorganize or rearrange his own talk pages; you don't have to leave comments where they were typed. Cheers. Spıke ¬ 18:49 1-Dec-10

Uwe Boll

I just now saw your vote on VFD to save this article. (Your vote seems to have closed the voting, 18 minutes later, and the debate was archived.) However, your vote suggested we just slap a {Rewrite} template on the article. From your UnNews story, you seem to have Mr. Boll pegged. You might jump in and assist with the rewrite. Spıke ¬ 18:47 1-Dec-10

Proton on VFD

I've copy-edited the entire article; do you think it's keepable now? In any case, it is not "random"; even the jokes that are merely puns are puns of "pro," and there are other jokes about polarity. They do go off in many directions, so there is no single, coherent theme; but "random" on VFD really means articles full of Chuck Norris, grues, and butt-sex. Spıke ¬ 21:19 20-Dec-10

Hello

I've never stopped by to say Hi, so Hi! Look over there, a bird! /steals something from the talk page while Scofield looks at the place where no bird is. You seem to be persistent even when buffeted by winds, and learning as you buffet, so, yeah, you are nearing non-noob status and that's when it really gets interesting here (you will be given things, women and stuff like that). Damn, that's a great picture! /steals an apple while Scofield searches the walls for a nonexistent great picture. Whoops, gotta go /munch munch Aleister 1:34 Solstice MMX

Forum:Vote: Plow under the UnNews "Nav Bar"

I welcome your vote on this. Spıke ¬ 22:11 21-Dec-10

User:Scofield/UnNews:Don't ask, don't tell policy repealed

This article wants to go on the Front Page on the strength of the illustration, but I wish you would rework it first. The first four paragraphs are straight advocacy, from the assertion that the DADT move was "historic," that the previous status (which was law, not "policy") was "out of favor," and that opponents are "homophobes." In my opinion, the following "he's gay"/"he's not gay" jokes are trite and the article needs a little more. But I come away thinking you wrote this not to entertain but to advocate. Spıke ¬ 13:20 20-Dec-10

I nominated this for deletion (invalid--too new), where two other readers agreed with me that it either is advocacy or reads like it. It is now in your userspace in case you'd like to rework it. Spıke ¬ 13:49 22-Dec-10

moved here from User talk:SPIKE

I've modified it a little bit. Do you think it's funny enough for UnNews now? --Scofield 16:34, December 22, 2010 (UTC)

It is worse than before. You have added some sideways joking, two links to actual Uncyclopedia users, and another "homophobia" paragraph; and addressed none of the criticism.* You may think one side in the Senate debate is ridiculous to begin with, but everything you've written "in jest" reads just like what the repeal side says in complete seriousness--thus it reads exactly as though you are trying to use UnNews to argue your own position. Spıke ¬ 19:38 22-Dec-10

• The debate is now archived from VFD and can be found at: Uncyclopedia:Votes_for_deletion/Archive225#UnNews:Don't ask, don't tell policy repealed. Spıke ¬ 01:47 23-Dec-10

I've reworded the article so that it sounds a little less like advocacy, and I've also taken the arguments against openly gay people serving in the military into account. You think it's better now? Please reply quickly this time. --Scofield 08:43, December 23, 2010 (UTC)

Conceding that you worked from the Washington Post, you didn't change the essence of the story at all. I've reworked it. If you approve, create a new UnNews:US repeals Don't Ask, Don't Tell (old headline was wrong; again, it was not a "policy") and copy the text in, so you get the credit and the article goes to the top of Recent News. Spıke ¬ 13:50 23-Dec-10

No, I'm serious, I'm not going to feature it on the Front Page unless it is a new article, with today's date. That means create a new UnNews, copy/paste the text into it, fix {{News}} and {{Date}}, and move the old copy out of UnNews. Also, I like my suggested headline better, because the headline you chose has a passive verb. Spıke ¬ 16:03 23-Dec-10

I thought moving it would have the same effect; anyways, I'll just do what you said. --Scofield 16:20, December 23, 2010 (UTC)

No, because Recent news is created automatically by page creation date (which avoids looking inside each file). Spıke ¬ 16:24 23-Dec-10

Sigh!

• I changed it to my headline--if this is today's news, then "Senate" is old, as Obama has now signed it as well.
• You copied from the story into the new story. You've got to copy from an edit box into the edit box. That is why you lost all the links (now corrected). See UnNews:Style Sec. 5.2. Better yet, read the whole thing! Good day! Spıke ¬ 16:41 23-Dec-10
• One more thing--Affix your national flag here, if you care. Spıke ¬ 17:14 23-Dec-10

Reviews complete

Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:"You Are Dead" coming to cinema (quick) There are a few mistakes in there created by the iPhone's ever so wonderful spell check, but it should make sense. I'm guessing that as you have been insulted by feedback from me before you'll be insulted again, but I'm hoping that isn't the case. Try and read it from the perspective of reading an opinion from someone who has been around a little - worth listening to, but not hard and fast gospel - and realize that if I wanted to insult you I would actually just insult you. Nominally Humane! some time Tuesday, 01:10, Dec 28 2010 UTC

Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnPoetia:The Dragon Warrior rap also. Nominally Humane! some time Wednesday, 01:04, Dec 29 2010 UTC

• I hate conversations taking place on VFH nomination pages. I don't feel that this has reached it's full potential yet, so I'm supporting it but not throwing my complete weight behind it. Given in these cases I'll usually either abstain or not comment at all, I figured this was a compromise.

I'm going to make a suggestion here that may help ease your frustration somewhat - stop trying to get featured. The best writers on here are those who don't try to get featured and just write to try an make everyone else laugh. If you write for the goal of just being featured, you'll end up slashing your wrists before too long. I've had 25 odd features, a few successful colonisations, and helped a few others get off the mark as well through reviews and edits. But that is over the course of about 18 months and over 50 articles written (I don't really keep that good records). If someone gives you a good review then ask them if they are willing to nominate it rather than trying to push it yourself, and don't focus on that to the exclusion of other work. Spend more time writing and reviewing, as these are what will make you a better writer - the awards don't really matter.

Now to the other thing I was going to say - you obviously have a bit of gamer in you. I'm trying to work on a point and click adventure game to be hosted on uncyclopedia. Part of that is I need to get a decent FPS level editor that I can use to create an environment for the croon to happen in, bit I'm a cheapskate. Do you know of any FPS editors free download that I could use? It will be space theme so predominantly interiors and if the original FPS is space themed all the better. Nominally Humane! some time Thursday, 23:36, Dec 30 2010 UTC

I'm not really that good with game designs. I think Google would do a better job of helping you out. --Scofield 11:00, December 31, 2010 (UTC)

That's cool. Slightly pished, but thought re dragon warrior. Record the rap using the original music from the game if you can find it. Have found an interior designer that will do for the FPS. Btw, I'm enjoying your contributions so far. Keep it up. I'm eager to see you take a more active role here Nominally Humane! some time Friday, 11:08, Dec 31 2010 UTC

UnBooks:Let's take a walk in the city! A childrens picture book

Changes made, what do you think? --Magic Snow man ☃ 03:46, December 31, 2010 (UTC)

It's definitely an improvement, though the ending seems a bit out of place. I think the drug dealer should kill him. --Scofield 10:56, December 31, 2010 (UTC)

And your review was an improvement from previously, as well. Thank you for that. 1234 ~ 22:41, 31 December 2010

But then that would make an unused image that I personally asked for. And we can't have that. Anyway, vote for it here: Uncyclopedia:VFH/UnBooks:Let's take a walk in the city! A childrens picture book And again, thanks. -- 06:03, January 1, 2011 (UTC)