User:Jaykwon
The Gun is good. The Penis is evil. The Penis shoots seeds, and makes new life to poison the Earth with a plague of Menfolk, as once it was, but the Gun shoots Death, and purifies the Earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth . . . and kill!
--Zardoz
==The Aristo-Pod Children==
In a distant Galaxy there lived a race of only slightly hyper-intelligent beings known as the Pod Children. So mildly omniscient were these oft-capsulated galaxy offspring, that for a time they were the retainers of every single nugget of universal knowledge there is to be retained (Well, almost).
It may surprise you, dear reader, that in their state of nearly-all-knowingness, that the Pod Children lead an existence of total and excruciating boredom. For in their state of not-quite-but-pretty-much-knowing-all-things-that-could-possibly-be-known-and-even-a-few-things-impossible-to-be-known, they had picked up a few lessons that could actually be described as useful. These lessons included the ultimate and wonderous revelation that war, as fun as it was to exploit through video game franchises, even with war's that never actually happened, was the most useless, destructive, and idiotically fucking retarded concept ever brain-farted into reality by sentient life. With war unanimously rejected by the Pod-Children, newer, more sensible and boring conflict resolution methods were formulated by the Pod Children. The Pod Children used their basically perfect understanding of the naturally evolved biopsychology inherent in the genesis of warfare, to avert its necessity for the rest of the Pod Children's long and boring existence. That is until, The Final Days. . . But we will get to that. For in order to understand the conclusion of the Pod-Children's Breeding Cycles, and the subsequent extinction of the Pod Children, or, The End of the Pod Children, one must first understand their middle, and fortunately not their beginning because that was a a great big load of silliness not worth discussing anyway. Even more fortunate, the middle-section of the Pod Children's History is brief to recount and has been scientifically proven to be a very interesting story for Idiot's like You.
The Middle Days or 'The Aristo-Pod Children'[edit | edit source]
Forward: The Middle Days are the subject of massive, throbbing, debate amongst the zenoarcheological community. To avoid controversy and ensure the utmost accuracy and purely objective nature in this account of the Middle Days, the archeological period of the Pod Children that preceded the conclusive, 'The End of the Pod Children Period', the following passages contain only what information has been agreed upon as absolutely 100% true by the 12% majority viewpoint party in this Great Debate. To the Other 777 concerned zenoarcheological communities and groups with differing theories, I respectfully and sincerely urge them to Eat Shit and Die, as they've had quite enough time to come up with a coherent counter-statement since the announcement that this paper was going to be written.
The Middle Days: The Middle Days Period began on Solar-Cycle that Pod Children joyously declared the Eternal Armistice of the Pod Children and Pals. (The subsequent Time of Great Boredom, or Middle Days as we humans call it, was so fucking boring that all of the Pod Children's Pals died of agonizing Edema due to wide scale cases of fatal cerebral shit buildup.) In War's stead, the Pod Children mastered the art of alternative conflict resoultion, and for a full 14 Solar Cycles, or two weeks in Human times, the Pod Children lived a peaceful but christfuck boring existence in their shitbox palaces of badger tits. Twas these 2 weeks that came to be known as the Middle Days.
The Alternative Conflict Resolution methods practiced by the Pod Children may seem strange to you, my very premium and sexually stimulating readersmen, but for two whole weeks not a single Pod Child was eviscerated by the biogenetical engineered super-warbeasts, The Chinese Water Camel's. Not one Pod child was shot to ribbons by the phonetically pleasing Pod Children Weapon, Dildo-Bowcasters, killing machines of great terror that fired titanium sculptures of the common Human sex toy by placing them on a track centered between two polarizing orbs, that generated a potent magnetic field and created massive acceleration on the titanium dildos in whatever direction the weapon was aimed.