User:Pat Sharp
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“They'll meet again once ITV folds into itself - Fortunately, whoever wins, ITV will be destroyed when Fun House and Sharp fall into each other down the gravitational incline.”
“Even when we were married I felt no love.”
“DAMN! THEM NIGGAZ BEEFIN'!!”
“Pat Sharp?! You speak to ME of Pat Sharp?! I KILL YOU! I CUT YOU UP GOOD!”
“All roads lead to Fun House.”
“But where Paxman is, Sharp grows also.”
Pat Cracker Sharp (aka Pat Sharp, Pat Middlename Sharp, Josef Mengele, That Mullet Guy) is most widely known thanks to his pinnacle role as presenter of ITV's National Socialist smash hit Fun House and the post-war smiting of Andi Peters' plea to return to British television screens. Though a long troubled hiatus had gripped him like a hyena's jaw, he is currently on a miraculous comeback tour of Moronland and its outerlying principalities. Time Magazine recently voted him as 'most mulleted idiot', even ranking him above a photoshopped image of George Bush's pet manwhore: a testament to his desperation for fame and animalsex.
He is currently running on Nazisoft's VindowsSupreme - Homo Edition, presumably because that is the only operating system that anyone is compatable with.
The History of Pat Sharp: Rise, Fall, Fall Again[edit | edit source]
(5000BC) Morag Kreatongued[edit | edit source]
The following is from the Ancient holy book of the same name. It is the oldest known text on the creation of the Pat and of the Sharp and of the Pat and the Sharp's fusion into the entity
known only as Pat Sharp.
(missing text)...In the Beginning there was God and... (undecipherable) Ben Kingsley... (missing text)...said: "For every reaction there is an equal and opposite reaction." and it was so, thus the evil of (scribbled out) whom we call Jeremy Paxman was countered in the creation of the fusion of two timeless entities... (graffiti which says - God Woz Ere! minus 4900BC!!)... whom are known as Pat & Sharp...(cheese recipe)...
(1200BC) The Age of Pitt the Brad[edit | edit source]
Until a recent archeological dig in Lisa Riley's crack, any general overview of his life was impossible to substantiate due to a lack of evidence. Thankfully this has now changed, so a number of significant details can be purified. The following point are the main correlations between David Irving's Life of a Legend: A tale of Pat and Sharp, an authoritative account of Sharp, and the findings within the crack.
Irving in Life of a Legend
- Contrary to what conformist historians say, Pat probably was some sort of confectionary during the Age of Pitt the Brad. For example, a jelly bean or a bottle of ketchup.
- He did not literally spend his time on the Dark Side of the Moon. This must be a misunderstanding of some degree. In all likelyhood Pink Floyd are responsible for such misleading notions.
- Pat Sharp led a quiet and uneventful life on earth during the War of the Ring without desiring to escape to the moon.
Addendums from the Crack of Doom
- Pat seems to have spent a considerable amount of time as a famous flapjack topping, most likely to escape Paxman's persecution of confectionary foods.
- As a well known flapjack topping, he found solace on the Death Star. This was later mistaken for a real moon.
- True, he never wanted to escape even during Paxman's reign of terror, but he did have to find refugee status somewhere. As neutral cake-loving spacestations go there was only the Sith station to make for. Babylon 5 was being assaulted by JJR Tolkien for not recognising its indebtedness towards Britain's overblown and bloated novel-blob, the Lord of the Rings.
(1300AD) The Age of Youth[edit | edit source]
WIP...WIP...
The Euthanasia Age problem[edit | edit source]
Due to the ever fluctuating age difference between Sharp and the rest of the universe, he is occasionally mistaken for an old bloke who is well past it and consequently needs to die. This has led to numerous Euthanasia attempts by Fundamentalist Sith Lord Richard Dawkins, each one a bigger failure than the last.
Even though he now looks younger than he did during the Great Cultural D3133710N, he real age is roughly Pie to the Power of Ranger.
(1927AD) The Turn to Nazism and the Marriage to Spock[edit | edit source]
WIP...WIP...
(1937AD) The Asian Flu and World War II[edit | edit source]
WIP...WIP... WIP...WIP...
The Battle of Pat Sharp and Sean Bean Sharp[edit | edit source]
WIP...WIP...
| World War II | |||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Part of The Fall of Berlin | |||||||||
 Sean Bean FTW (without a horn) on the Reichstag. |
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|
|||||||||
| Belligerents | |||||||||
| Nazis | Red Army | ||||||||
| Commanders and leaders | |||||||||
| Ubercommandant Pat Sharp
contestants: (34th Dancing Panzer Division, Sausage Squad (SS) XI-Corps, Daily Mail reader volunteers, Hudsucker Proxies, The Peoples Front of Judea Proxies, Judean Peoples Front 6th Suicide Squad.) | 2nd High Octagonal Sean Bean
contestants: (Steven Seagal, Cossacks, Mimes, 100th Drunken Yeltsin Liver-Martyr Brigade, Karl Marx & his beagel dog Hegel, The Peoples Front of Judea Proxies, Judean Peoples Front 6th Suicide Squad, Ghandi Motorized Infantery.) |
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| Strength | |||||||||
| 250 Danzing Panzers 88 SS members 104 DM volunteers 30 HPs 82 PFJ Proxies 50 JPF SS | 1200 Cossacks 100 Mimes 34 DYL-M Brigadeers Karl Marx & his beagel dog 'Hegel' 50 PFJ Proxies 32 JPF SS 9 Ghandi Water Tanks |
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| Casualties and losses | |||||||||
| Daily Mail readership figures. Jews. | Moderate, Stalin Grade: Livers, 100 Mimes. All Jews. A strand of Seagal's hair. | ||||||||
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New Clear Fallout[edit | edit source]
After the war, Sharp had trouble getting back to a normal, genocidaless, life. Fortunately a post-war reconsillyation poem by Commie-Nazi McBain soon set him back on course. The title is usually rendered as being 'New Clear Fallout', though 'Jew Cremated Me' and 'Tanzen Macht Frei' are acceptable translations:
______________________
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me,
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too,
I love to hear you oralise,
When I'm between your thighs,
You blow me away,
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you,
I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly,
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine,
If we sit on our faces,
In all sorts of places,
And play till we're blown away.
______________________
(1989AD) Stardom[edit | edit source]
WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP... FUN HOUSE!
(2011AD est.) His Descent and Ultimate Goal: Neverwhere[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately, as Paxman's reign of error and moronic interview tactics ascended into the unwatchable hights of BBC Two's Newsnight, which one only watches when they are drunk, or which one only appears on when they are drunk a la Tracy Emin, Sharps career disintergrated rapidly. This left him with nothing but a mullet, a war crime record, his last salary from Fun House, three Wrigleys Extra chewing gum and a will to duel the uncouth being named Jeremy Paxman.
As the prophecy (above) has fortold, this is but a prepatory stage and phenomenological dress rehersal for the ultimate conclusion of ITV, in which Boorstein's 4th Theorem (below) states Sean Bean and Pat Sharp fight for a show on the aformentioned station - thus annihiliating it once and for all. Such an event leaves a power vacuum in the TV ratings war that Jeremy Paxman will only be all to eager to fulfill, hiring the mercenary army of Darkie-ness, from the Darkie Lord Andi Peters and his new 100,000 Jack Bauer Army; the army of clone Bauers from all the malformed series of the Fox Empire's 24, to clear the area before he takes over. This taking-over is the very essence of Project: TOTAL PAXIMATION - Paxman will then stretch forth and incomprehensibly rant, shout, ego-masturbate, rave and perform an interrogation not seen since the likes of Revolver Ocelot - but toward every soul in existence: yet this grave danger to television and the cheesemakers will be Paxman's downfall - as Trevor McDonald has said:
"He will eventually think himself so witty, so profound, so clever and astute that he will be vunerable EVEN to Pat Sharp. Trevor McDonald is not joking. BONNNNNG!"
Boorstein's 4th Theorem on the Sharp-Television gradient[edit | edit source]
KEY:
- PS :Power of Pat Sharp
- SB :Power of Sean Bean
- H :length of Hair
- Sh :amount of Fun House shows yearly
- ○ :overall power to kill Jeremy Paxman
- J :certainty of annihilating ITV
- TV :TV
- t :maximum talent output while in Earth's orbit
- x :any given number (for pities sake Boorstein has calculated only one Pat Sharp).
Then;
** PS(1x) = 1Sh(x) for every x in TV /H = Q. ** SBPS(H ○ SBPSt) = Sh(/H) ○*(t) for all morphisms t = (PS*H/t)x → J and H : J → (*4) = Q Vacuum.
This results in -
Famous Works[edit | edit source]
Fun House[edit | edit source]
Gary Glitters Paedophile Porn Proglema[edit | edit source]
SPANK[edit | edit source]
SPANK was a short lived feature designed by and starring Sharp. In it he went around various Welsh University campusses molesting bare, barely underage girls for the delights of Japanese bankers and fellow oddball, the now deceased Gary Glitter. Though barely heard of in the West except by elements of the clergy, he took South-East Asia's Child-Molest scence by storm. Sales records alone for Sharp's work is utterly phenomenal (far right):
Due to Tom Jones being Welsh, he is currently banned from all SPANK concerts until he renounces his Welshicity as Catherine PETA Jones has done. So far, Jones has only renounced his career, commenting that "Its not unusual to make love to infants, Delila." - whether he will be able to stay the course and not use the Luftwaffle Airbride to bomb his hometown of Pontypridd is a matter of late night debate on BBC2; ironically enough with the jewish pariah Jeremy Paxman.
The Hair[edit | edit source]
The Hair is the most important and recognisable feature of the man. Indeed, it may be said without exaggeration how the hair is actually more recognisable than Sharp himself, yet, we should not mistake the two, for Pat is the hair's name and Sharp is the lump of flesh beneath it. Together they make up the entity known as Pat Sharp. For now, let us look at the hair's two most likeable phases in the mullet and the toupee.
History of the Mullet[edit | edit source]
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Famous Appearences of the Mullet[edit | edit source]
- Battle of the Bulge
- The Battle of Pat Sharp and Sean Bean Sharp (see above)
- Americano-Austrolasia War
- The Battle of the Letter P
- James Brown's Mullet Fest '79
- Fun House
History of the Toupee[edit | edit source]
WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP... WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...vWIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP... WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP... WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...WIP...
Phenomenology of the Toupee[edit | edit source]
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Where is he now? And who cares?[edit | edit source]
Sharp is currently re-living the glory days in various ways of the Third Reich with Mel Gibson and Evil Jesus. Though not matching their sellout tours of the Fatherland and Lebensraum, which are ledgendary for having broken into the Jewish market, but taking their money, he nonetheless has a great appeal in the European Muslim State with many international stars lending their support, such as; Vin Diesel, Hitler, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his old lover Spock - who are probably the only people who care.
His recent output includes -
- Reich Crispies - The serial made from wholemeat cremated jews.
- Reichsickles and Hammer - A combined serial/toothpaste for Karl Marx. Marx uses an extraordinary amount of paste. Interestingly, a free copy of the Daily Hate Mail is found in everytube.
- Housewitz - Inspired mostly by his days within the Nazi Party, and funded by the National Socialists of Israel with occasional grants from the Kike Reich.
Essential Facts[edit | edit source]
- Hates Andi Peters.
- Is currently Godmother to Borat.
- Was been pitited by Mr. T.
- Has lost the will to live. (Not related to the above.)
- Is keeping the Mullet safe until the Darkie Lord, Peters, returns with the 100,000 Jack Bauer army.
- On the board of directors of the Communist National Socialist Jew Party of Canada.
- Is currently producing 'Kikes on Bikes' with Friedrich Engels and Marlon Brando.
Archive Footage[edit | edit source]
- Pat Sharp. "ADVERT: Housewitz - Millenium Tour." NSGWP, April 10, 2005
- Pat Sharp. "FOOTAGE: Housewitz - Die Juden-Brummies, Die! (The Jewish Cars, The!)." NSGWP, 2005
- "Lets get ready to Rumble!"; accompanied by the screams of Jews and basking in the fire of their delightful orange glow, Sharp begins the slaughter. Birmingham tour.
- Pat Sharp. "FOOTAGE: Housewitz - Churchill's testicle." NSGWP, 2003
- "AlyyAlop-uh, lets put something else on here, from whasisname? Bar... Alle Bennue. I'll... I'll put Mein Kampf on for us. I beg your pardon?"; says a drunk Pat Sharp from the inside of well known Jehovah's Witness Winston Churchill's testicle.
- "Errrr a foolish fatass, and a misty end, erm, are you giddy? Get out! ... I'm feeling my cunt first... I'm getting a hardon?" Atlantian Translation.
- Pat Sharp. "INFO: Beginners Guide to Housewitz." NSGWP, 2001
- Pat Sharp. "TV: Tumble-Jew." ITV, 1998
- "SIEG HEIL!", says a laughing Aryan onlooker as a Jew is tortured on ITV's Fun House.
- Pat Sharp. "TV: Fun House - signing off." ITV, 1995
- "I hope your day's been as good as ours..."; A mulleted Sharp, after one of his 24 hour Fun House Jewmock (tm) specials.