~ Steve Ballmer on getting touched to death by a Bogey
~ Ancient Bogey proverb
~ Valentine's Day card message
A bogey (Bogicus dethtuchicus) is a round green google-eyed mammal known for aimlessly walking into humans and touching them to death, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, speranah, the occasional monkey, people who send annoying chain e-mails, your pets, and...well, Bogeys like touching a lot of things to death. Bogeys are often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The likelihood of being touched to death by a Bogey is probably non-zero.
There are an estimated 47 Bogeys left in the United States today due to the Bogey conservation program - luckily all bogeys are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. Of course, being creatures of darkness that tend to touch anything they can get within range of to death, these numbers are likely inaccurate, outdated, or simply made up by the same people who tell us that pretty much everything causes cancer.
- 1 Bogey-Slaying
- 2 Natural Habitat
- 3 Bogey Subspecies
- 4 How to Deal With a Bogey
- 5 Articles touched to death by Bogeys
- 6 See Also
- 7 Footnotes
Bogeys cannot be killed with these things
- Guns, nukes, lasers, religious characters, fruit, air freshener, croissants, dubs, Pikachu, scented candles, chainsaws, Stalin, two cows, milk, martial arts, any sweet or sour foodstuffs, dentists, Democrats, Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia, Republicans, Karl Marx, Ben Affleck, the IRS, shoulder blades, chain mail, semen, gambling, swords , axes, Jack Thompson, Dick Cheney, Quail, Sugar-snout Beavers, Trix, pretzels, Neil's Bike, lances, ninjas, pirates, Ninjas, Pirates, or any combinations, the Anti-Ninja Organisation, the Anti-Pirate Organisation, the Anti-Pirate-Ninja Organisation, blind people, fat people, Tony Blair, goatse, SpongeBob SquarePants, Online RPG's, Pure Genius, Hummer H2s, 50 Cent, porn, asian people, 12 year olds invading the internet, Dan's Mum, Maozilla, sermons, speranah, your mom, cheesy poofs, the system, pi, poop, wheelbarrows, Marth, or George. Attempting to use any of the above in Bogey-slaying will result in you being touched to death by the Bogey.
- In recent tests performed by experts who asked not to be named but were killed anyway, Bogeys CAN in fact be killed by ninjas. This however is extremely unlikely to happen outside of testing as Ninjas and Bogeys have made certain agreements about sharing the position of "enemy" (ninja-pirates are not included in this). However this was made without the knowledge of the anti-ninja coalition and the anti-anti-ninja coalition and has since then been proved untrue on account of the ninjas being orange.
[[Image:Bogie.PNG|right|thumb|It's a shame, nobody told the Stickfigures that Bogeys can't be killed with swords. Oh, well.]]
Bogeys can be killed with these things
- Radd Beams, except when the plot demands that they don't.
- They can also be killed by Hadokens, but that requires nine levels of Black Magery.
- The Anti-comma, although it will not only destroy the bogey, but asplode the hell out of anything within 5 miles, thus not being very useful.
- The Bogey can be killed with most things on the LOWTDEBS, although they don't actually exist and should thus be disregarded.
- The Bogey can also be killed with abominably bad grammar. If you is bogey; stops read before now, you eye start frys.
- Bogeys can be killed by the Anti-Bogey and its brilliant schemes and use of sarcasm, but unless you can summon the Anti-Bogey, you're still screwed...
- Bogeys can also be killed by yegobs, but that destroys the entire universe in the process, so nobody's ever tried it. Plus, carrying an yegob around with you invariably results in you dying by coming in contact with the yegob.
- Extreme sarcasm (yeah, right(!)) (Note: this risks killing everyone else in the vicinity)
- Chuck Norris can kill Bogeys. No questions asked.
- Ninja Chef eats Bogeys for dinner, although whether or not he kills them first is unknown. Also, eating Bogey for dinner is not a known way of killing them (cf Oprah).
- A method once tried for slaying a Bogey is to attack it with your own Bogey, but you should look at this table for the reasons why this is incredibly stupid.
|Better-than-best-case scenario||You win the lottery and become a multi-millionaire.|
|Best-case scenario||Both of the Bogeys touch each other to death, which is damn near impossible.|
|Next-best-case scenario||Your Bogey kills the other one and touches you to death. You're dead, buuuut at least you killed a bogey.|
|Worse-case scenario||The other Bogey kills your Bogey and touches you to death. You're dead, and your Bogey got its butt kicked.|
|Worst-case scenario||Both Bogey realize they've been tricked, then they team up and touch you to death. You're dead, and you were betrayed by your own Bogey.|
|Worse-than-worst-case scenario||The bogeys decide that you make a better sex toy than a meal. Imagine that for the rest of your life!|
[[Image:Bogey.jpg|right|thumb|This is how most Bogeys look in the half-second before they touch [[you]] to death.]]
Bogeys can be found in all the places of the world, your mom's cookie jar, for example. They also have been found in your basement and under the bed of bad little children who don't brush their teeth or eat their vegetables. One characteristic of Bogey dwellings is that all of them contain an equal quantity of things that can kill you. Nobody knows for certain why this is so. The prevailing theory is that the presence of the things that can kill you provides the Bogeys with a near-constant supply of weakened adventurers to touch to death. An alternative theory reverses this relationship: since adventurers often carry things that can kill stuff with them, and Bogeys cannot touch inanimate objects to death, any things that can kill you found in a Bogey dwelling is merely detritus from its many kills.
It is believed that they originally lived on the fourth moon of Earth, named Boh'gie, before it was eaten by Oprah. The Bogeys managed to touch their way out of Oprah's cavernous stomach within hours. They finally ran away and started touching people to death and stuff. They rampaged around everywhere, and they were soon overcome by Steve Ballmer's Fucking-Killing rays. They were rounded up by Microsoft and were deported to Heaven via a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick (where they're all waiting to surprise God when he gets back from his vacation). To make sure they don't come back, Microsoft supplied an Xbox 360, which the Bogeys promptly scrapped after losing all their mans. At least they tried. The Bogeys will have an endless supply of food, as whenever they touch someone in Heaven to death, said person will just die again and come straight back, allowing for continuous violation. This method is criticized by some, because all people can do once they're in Heaven is continuously regenerate after being touched to death by Bogeys.
Apart from the common bogey (Bogucis dethtuchicus dethtuchicus), there are many, less common types.
Russian Bogey (Bogucis dethtuchicus soviet)
The rare Russian Bogey can be killed by almost anything, and is common prey for oxen, weeds, cow tongues, sand castles, and lawyers. When a Russian Bogey reproduces with a regular Bogey, it will create a kitten. The reason for this is unknown to modern science. But who really wants to study the reproductive aspects of Bogey? Not me!
Auld Bogeys (Bogucis dethtuchicus mediaevalis)
[[Image:Sir_Bogey.PNG|thumb|left|Se Bogey doþ ned nan armour, for se Bogey is impregnabel. Þus, se Ealden Bogey ne am an life nu.]]Auld Bogeys, seen on the left, were chivalrous and swordwielding knights, who would (unlike today's Bogeys) offer mercy and be courteous as the victim was killed, usually offering a quick and painless death as opposed to no-holds-barred bum rush and searing pains ripping through the enemy's body. Auld Bogeys liked to rescue damsels, but this became a problem when the Bogey was unable to resist touching the damsel to death. This was very troublesome for Auld Bogeys and damsels stopped calling for help, afraid they would be touched to death by an Auld Bogey. Real knights errant were really pissed off that they couldn't find any damsels anymore, so they took advantage of the Auld Bogeys' mercy and non-ruthlessness and killed them all.
Ur-Bogey (Bogucis superiori gaimoverii)
Scrawled in the margins of medieval bestiaries are descriptions of a single terrible and powerful bogey spellcaster known as the Ur-Bogey. It is said to be completely immune to all of the traditional Bogey's weaknesses - it is constantly surrounded by a a magical force field which nought but sunlight can penetrate, and most conventional weapons will either miss completely or cease to exist upon contact with its body. It is, however, partially vulnerable to extreme sarcasm. In addition to its fearsome natural armaments, the Ur-Bogey is armed with a multitude of spells, such as cleesh (change foe to small amphibian), yozozzo (change foe into small duck), and onkik (unknown, possibly magic missile). The Ur-Bogey is currently serving as the final boss of Kid Radd, after usurping the position from the Bogey King.
For a short time, speranah were considered to be a subspecies of bogey, but the person who suggested this was soon beaten to death and everyone forgot about it.
How to Deal With a Bogey
[[Image:Bogey_crossing.jpg|thumb|left|The bogey crossing signs proved an effective way to prepare drivers for an encounter.]]* Die.
- Scream and die.
- Scream, struggle, and die.
- Scream, struggle, shit yourself, and die.
- Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, and die.
- Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
- Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, listen to any emo song, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
- Recite every line of Moby Dick in Italian. Bogeys love the Italian language, so it will subdue them for awhile. Of course when you are done reading, the bogey will still touch you to death.
- Sing one of Michael Bolton's classic songs. Bogeys hate Michael Bolton. Of course they will still touch you to death, but you can have the satisfaction of having irritated a bogey.
- Drink a glass of milk; 2.6% of bogeys are lactose intolerant, safe in the knowlege that the Bogey will get diarrhea when it finally gets round to touching you to death, which is very quickly.
- Use extreme sarcasm.
- Build a sandcastle. It won't help at all, and you will be touched to death, but it is a fun activity.
- Cast Frotz. This only works for wizards, enchanters, and other magically-enabled people.
- It is a little known fact that Bogeys like hearing haikus. Therefore reciting a haiku to a bogey will extend your life by 17 syllables.
- Wrap a towel around your head. Although the bogey will still touch you to death, it will make the postprandial cleanup easier. Plus, if you have telepathy you will be able to see the bogey while it touches you to death.
- Yell for your mom over and over again until you die.
- Strip naked and perform an ancient Mayan rain dance, and pray that the rain distracts the bogey.
- Call for a republican, and die.
- Continually masturbate. That's right. Day in, day out. It'll work, so long as there are kittens in the world.
- Summon Chuck Norris. This is not a very effective method though, because Chuck Norris is likely to wait until you are touched to death so that he will get a show, and a kill.
Some people recommend shooting a Radd Beam at the Bogey, as according to the legend this will cause the Bogey to 'disappear in a puff of smoke.' Clearly this course of action is futile and should not be undertaken by any means. For a start, it is logically impossible for a creature to 'disappear in a puff of smoke' on exposure to anything; notwithstanding, the Great Fire Creature of Jupiter. Furthermore, as shown by Darwin, only mutated Bogeys which can survive Radd Beams will survive, and eventually only these mutant Bogeys will be left, thus leaving the human populace with no weaponry to take them down. It is how ever possible to kill a Bogey with a Republican, as they usually carry guns and love hunting. A T.V. can cause a Bogey to melt away as they are allergic to non-natural sounds.
It is recomended that you always keep a republican and a T.V. in your home to kill the Bogeys that you see on near your home. Sacrifice yourself to a Bogey today so your children can melt them tomorrow!
~ Oscar Wilde on Bogeys
Articles touched to death by Bogeys
^ yes they can!Bullshit!you are SO wrongLiar!Poopy-head!You're the poopy-head, poopy-head!O RLY?YA RLY!NO WAI!YA WAI!SRSLY?YA!