User:Ben DeRoy/Tie Certificate

To the left: a law-abiding chimpanzee who owns a Tie Certificate... and to the right: a criminal chimpanzee who wears a tie without having a certificate for it (a naughty critter, that).

A Tie Certificate™ is a special document required to wear ties. Contrary to popular belief, wearing a tie is actually a severe criminal offense unless the wearer has his/her own certificate for tie-wearing. If you want to wear a tie and do it legally, a certificate is the only way to do it. If you haven't got one, your business life is pretty much screwed.

Illegal tie-wearing has become the second most common cause of police arrests among middle-class citizens not only in USA, but also in Mediocre Britain, China, Sweden, France, Norway, Greece and Italy. Shown below are the subtle difference between two tie-wearers, which cannot be seen with the naked eye, but is very much real. The answer is, of course, that the chimpanzee to the left is one law-abiding little monkey who have been eating his porridge every morning and has a Tie Certificate™, whereas the chimpanzee to the right is a notorious criminal who wears his tie without the certificate issued by the Country Administrative Board.

The official Tie Certificate™ F.A.Q.

Here follows the most common questions related to Tie Certificate™s, answered by none other than Uncyclopedia's very own Dr. Sigmundheimer F. Rhoid, the leading authority on certificates in general and Tie Certificate™ in particular.

Question 1: Since when do you need a certificate to wear a tie???

Since the onset of the year 2006 (January the 1st unless you couldn't figure that it).

Question 2: But why???

Nobody knows. Ask the European Union ministers about it - they came up with idea first, alongside with very necessery rules regarding the curving of cucumbers and bananas, humane killing of snails, regulations of the sizes of peaches, the using of latin names for fishes served as food and a ban on only owning one single horse (there must be at least two of them, as they would otherwise get very lonely). China and the US government merely followed suit a few months later. This might all be a practical joke, but no one really knows. After all, it's the European Union we're talking about here.

Question 3: Sounds great! So how do I get one?

A Tie Certificate™ can be acquired from your county's Administrative Board, to which you will send a special application form along with 500 dollars, or a roughly equal sum of money in your country's currency, depending on where you live. It takes normally 2-3 weeks for the Adm. board to go through all the necessary files to issue your certificate. During this time, a temporary card is sent to you by mail, allowing you to wear a tie for no more than 5 cents per minute. However, one certificate is required for every tie in your possession. If you have more than one tie, you must apply for a separate certificate for each of those. Each certificate beyond the primary one costs 100 dollars per document.

An example of how a Tie Certificate™ application form can look like.

Question 4: What happens if I wear a tie without having a certificate?

Wearing a tie without a Tie Certificate™ is counted as a major criminal offense in the US and many countries in the European Union. In China, there is a death penalty on wearing a tie illegally. Normally the penalty for wearing ties illegally is up to 40 years in prison, although some US states can have longer penalties. If a person is wearing a tie and is stopped by law enforcement, he/she must show the Tie Certificate™ to the police; otherwise the person in question is arrested. Once in jail, the subject has up to one week to prove that he/she has a Tie Certificate™. Failure to comply to these terms will result in the said subject being banned from the Internet, have his/her bank account(s) and credit card(s) locked and become fired from his/her job. A person who wears a tie without having a tie certificate is juridically called a "tie offender".

Question 5: I can't afford buying a Tie Certificate™ - what do I do?

If you can't afford a Tie Certificate™, there's really not so much to worry about. You can do pretty much anything except wearing a tie or traveling to Jupiter in a teacup. You can forget about wearing ties, but you can still get vital resources such as food, water, air, sex, computer, MP3-players and other goodies. It's not like the sky is going to fall down just because you can't wear a tie. Well, technically you could, but it wouldn't be allowed. It's not a great sacrifice, actually - unless you want to make a real carrier in business and look respectable. In that case you had better go get yourself a Tie Certificate™. You might have to save up some serious money, possibly even selling your car, in order to get a certificate. It might be hard at first, but it's going to be worth it in the end. Sorry to say it, but it looks like you're going to have to trade one privilege for another, but hey, that's life, isn't it?

Question 6: What do I do if I spot someone wearing a tie who may NOT have a Tie Certificate™???

Anyone who wears a tie without possessing a Tie Certificate™ for it is a notorious criminal. Therefore you should consider to report this to the police. There might a reward in store for you, spelled as "$" or possibly "£" or "€". Tie offenders may be armed and dangerous and should not be provoked needlessly. If you think you've seen one, call the police or even better the F.B.I. or whatever security agency you may have in your country.

Question 7: I plan to give my nephew a tie as a Christmas present but can't afford a Tie Certificate™!

You don't have a nephew - he died in that carcrash three years ago, remember? Jeez, there's some real fucking morons around here these days. Besides, if he was still alive you would still have made a criminal out of him through that act, you miserable, amnesiac git!

Question 8: I don't like the sound of this at all - how do I protest against this madness?!

You don't. Nobody messes with the European Union.

This is pretty much how a tie looks like, or so they say (a pretty UGLY one, too). Are you sure you've bought a Tie Certificate™ for YOUR tie?

Question 9: I want to develop telepathic powers - how shall I manage?

In order to develop telepathic powers, you'll need to expose yourself to a lethal dose of cosmic gamma rays and hope that you'll acquire paracosmic powers instead of dying violently. However, there's only a one to a billion chance in Hell that you'll draw the lucky card and get paracosmic powers - most who've tried have ended up dead. And paracosmic powers does NOT include free Tie Certificate™s!

Question 10: I've lost my Tie Certificate™ - will I get a new one for free?

Why, of course not! You'll simply gonna have to apply for a new one for 500 dollars - there are no shortcuts here. It's your own fault if you lose it it's your own responsibility. Would you blame the horrid mess in your apartment on your innocent grandma who lives 500 miles away? Man, you really are one spoiled little puppy...

Question 11: Can I frame someone I dislike by gifting away a tie without a certificate to him/her?

Technically you could, but it would be illegal to do it, since you're provoking a crime here. That makes you the responsible party. As long as the gift can be traced back to you, that is. Otherwise your would-be enemy is into some deep trouble unless he/she has 500 dollars hidden under his/her mattress.

Question 12: Does my insurance policy cover loss of Tie Certificate™ due to house fire?

See Question nr. 10 for related information

This depends entirely on what insurance company you're signed under. However, it's most likely that the insurance only covers fire through arson and not spontaneous combustion or electronic devices going haywire. However, it's also likely that your ties were lost as well in the fire, supposing it really did happen.

Question 13: How long does a Tie Certificate™ last?

A Tie Certificate™ technically lasts forever from a juridical standpoint. However, this is only for as long as the tie the certification is applied on is still usable. When it's worn out and you'll have to throw it away, the certification ceases to be valid. The certificate only applies to the tie you declared for; if you'll buy a new tie, the certificate will not be carried over and you must apply for a new certificate.

Question 14: Are there going to be "certificates" for other things than ties?

Yes - more than a dozen of certificates are in plans by the European Union and the United States federal government. In time there will be a certificate for exactly everything, including omnipotence - the Tie Certificate™ and Certificate of Hitlertude™ are merely the harbingers of things to come. You won't be able to eat, speak, breath, sleep, drink, having sex or even move a muscle unless you have a certificate for said abilities. And it's not going to be cheap... The certificates that will come into effect within the next three years are so far:

• Artichoke Certificate - certificate required for eating artichokes.
• Talking Parrot Certificate - required for owning a talking parrot.
• Red Clothes Certificate - required for wearing red clothes (excluding ties); does not apply to other colors.
• Zork Certificate - required for playing Zork; being eaten by a grue is still allowed without one.
• Certificate Certificate - required for owning other certificates.
• Encyclopædia Dramatica Certificate - required for mocking overweight and obese persons.
• Bubblegum Certificate - required for blowing bubbles with chewing gum (you may still chew them though, just not blow bubbles)
• Bazooka Moosehunting Certificate - required for hunting moose with bazookas.
• Russian Reversal Certificate - In Soviet Russia, certificate applies for YOU!!
• Anonymous Certificate - required for being anonymous.
• Two Cows Certificate - required for having two cows or more.
• Omnipotence Certificate - required for having almighty powers. Can only be applied for through the Tetragrammaton himself.
• Time-travelling Certificate - required for traveling in time. Must be applied for through the Intertemporal Association of Time Travellers.
• Oscar Wilde Quotation Certificate - required for quoting Oscar Wilde.
• Xyzzy Certificate - required for pronouncing xyzzy.
• Strawberry Milkshake Certificate - required for drinking strawberry milkshake.
• One-leg Certificate - required for jumping on one leg.
• Stupidity Certificate - required for being stupid

Question 15: A grue just ate my Tie Certificate™ - what do I do?!

It's simple - absolutely nothing. This is a GRUE we're talking about, moron! You know, 75 feet tall, brown, box-shaped monsters equipped with razor-sharp teeth dripping blood on the treetops as it moves along, looking for another bite. You'll just have to buy a new Tie Certificate™ and hide it in some illuminated place, since grues fear light and spend all their time hiding in the dark. If the grue comes for you the next time, just run like hell or use extreme sarcasm, or preferably both.

Question 16: So, exactly HOW do a Tie Certificate™ look like???

A very good question. Rumors claim that it might look a little something like this (in this case, the applicant happens to live in Carlton County and has thus sent his application form to the appropriate institution):

Tie Certificate™ is hereby granted to: Whatshisname Anonymousson who may now wear a tie legally. --Carlton County Administrative Board

Question 17: I've had enough of this! How do I quit?!

Ask and ye shall receive. All you have to do is to click here and all your prayers will be absolved. Let that be a lesson for you son. Now play nice kids.

- Dr. F. Rhoid

List of the 20 most common excuses for loosing a Tie Certificate™

Here follows common excuses that criminal tie offenders often uses when they are caught by the police for wearing a tie without having a certificate for it. Quite pitiful excuses actually, for having committed such a horrible crime as being a tie offender.

1. A grue ate it
2. The certificate underwent a spontaneous combustion
3. It was sucked into a black hole
4. Stolen during a burglary
5. It grew legs and ran away
6. The earth opened up and swallowed it
7. The wind took it and it flew away
8. A bolt of lightning struck it
9. It disappeared into a wormhole through time and space
10. I accidentally dropped it into a can of sulphuric acid
11. My dog ate it
12. A Tyrannosaurus Rex ate it
13. The Bogeyman in my wardrobe stole it
14. Mr. Mxyzptlk showed up and turned it into a rabbit
15. My grandma ate it
16. It's stuck in a subdimensional pocket universe for some strange reason
17. The Spanish Inquisition burned it at stake
18. A sandstorm suddenly came and buried it under tons of sand
19. Same thing as above but with a snowstorm instead
20. Willy on Wheels moved it somewhere and now I can't find it

Criticism

The Tie Certificate™ has been both praised and spitted at, praised mainly by elitistic assholes who claims that is was about damn time the governments and big companies worldwide started to track down and start to harass hard working, ordinary citizen, whom they claim have been allowed to roam freely for far too long. I mean, 500 dollars isn't THAT much when you have five billion dollars in your Swiss bank account, is it? And surely most people who are unwilling to buy a license for their ties are only stingy and penurious and lying about not having that amount of money to spend? And surely pigs can fly, the moon is made of cheese and Arkansas is the name of a large quasar in the Andromeda Galaxy? However, apart from the screaming minority of supporters (comprised exclusively by two fanatical individuals, Scrooge McDuck and Flintheart Glomgold) the Tie Certificate™ has been criticized for being largely discriminating towards the entire male gender, since ties are worn nearly exclusive by men and rarely ever by women.

In response to this, the European Union have proposed that a similar certificate should be introduced for women, the Bra Certificate, that both genders should be equally oppressed. This proposion has in turn criticized for being gender-biased, since far more women wears bra's in comparison to the number of men who tend to wear ties, which is less than half of all men, whereas bra's are worn regulary by nearly all women. Ultra left-wing feminists have argued that a Bra Certificate should not be introduced at all, and that the entire male gender deserves to be oppressed through the Tie Certificate™ far thousand of years of oppression (or so they claim) towards the female gender.

See also

• Certificate of Hitlertude
• Certificate of breathing
• Thai