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The Human vs. Kitten War III was the third of five wars between humans and kittens which lasted for 96 years. It was won by the kittens, and began in 1996 and ended in 2092. It started over a comment written by a drunk kitten on a napkin in a KFC resturant--90 years after the war by the last living thing on earth, a kitten, who was really really really really pissed that he was the last on earth because of the war, and then that got sucked into a time rift and was pulled to 1991 and started the whole event. Both sides were promised by God that masturbation would cause mass deaths on the other side. Consquently, both sides began vigourous, and violent, masturbation, inflicting devastating friction burns.
“Blargh blargh honk.”
“I'm killing a kitten right now.”
“Masturbation for masturbation's sake makes the whole world blind.”
“I covered this war... AND NEARLY DIED IN THE PROCESS!!!”
“In Soviet Russia, When You Masturbate, God Kills YOU!!”
“Waga I'm Jackson”
“So many dead kittens..... so... sticky”
“Begun, the Human vs. Kitten war has.”
Background[edit | edit source]
Humans have always seen kittens as being dictators who meowed whenever they wanted food, or wanted a human to massage them. Tensions have always existed, but were usually subdued in their mutual hatred for the human-like monkeys. Due to the success of the human-designed Deforestation weapon, monkeys now barely exist. Kitten vs. Human tension thus rose to the surface as both sought to gain control of the world.
God promises death for masturbation[edit | edit source]
No one is quite sure why God promised both sides to kill the other in return for masturbation. Some theories include:
- God is a pervert.
- Masturbating is a sin, that's why heaven is empty.
- God likes to kill, but needs an excuse.
- Everyone masturbates, so why not reward them?
- The plan to create a perfect army of ferocious and valorous warriors, capable of overthroing Odin's Einherjars (noble warriors defeated and recruited by Valkyries) at Ragnarok.
- He was running out of room in heaven and didn't want anyone else to get there.
- God's way of telling you you should have nutted in a pussy instead of a sock
War breaks out[edit | edit source]
Tension between humans and kittens was reaching boiling point after George W. Bush announced Kittenolivia to be part of the Axis of Evil alongside Iraq and North Korea (The Axis of Evil was not available for comment). it should be noted that bush was drunk, and this comment was scribbled on the wall of a Burger King restraunt with spray paint. Bush cited the intelligence from the CIA that kittens had invented The Game, which Bush kept losing. Violent masturbation finally erupted when Bush announced that kittens had weapons of mass destruction in the form of nuclear hairballs.
Kittens are responsible for circumcision. They attempted to use circumcision to stop masturbation, unfortunately for them they forgot about those who are uncircumcised, not Jewish or able to masturbate anyway but for longer periods of time. And unfortunately for us, an evil kitten, Fornicating Magpie, invented something even more horrible then circumcision. He invented female circumcision. Almost 7% of world's female population is already circumcised and therefore it's impossible for them to masturbate. Kittens call it The Ultimate Weapon. Masturbation rate went dangerously low after kittens invented this. Thus, thanks to all girl slumber parties, the masturbation rate was soon back to normal and the stalemate continued until the battle of Verkatnippen.
Subversives and Assassins - the War goes Underground[edit | edit source]
During the cold winter of 2031, the war, already becoming stagnated as both sides equalised each other out, had turned to much darker methods. Undercover Furries disguised as Kittens and other neutral animals took to infiltrating the Kitten ranks. The Furries resorted to guerilla tactics to hasten the demise of the kittens. It wasn't long before the Kittens retaliated, with the infamous Cata Hari, personally responsible for over 400 human fatalities.
25 December massacre[edit | edit source]
On 25 December 2044, the kitten army launched a massive uncoordinated masturbation session or Clumsy Kitty Circle Jerk. God began to entertain them with mass art attacks, but this was too slow in killing off the human's appetites for Kitty Porn. Instead, God decided to lunch at tsunami a chic bistro in the People's Glorious Republic of Uukumbamabahalarata, with some of the human race's worst wankers (or "salami slappers" the kittens called them, the little vixens). The Death Toll was hounded for her autograph in urine on newsprint by nearly 250,000 humans, and in her haste she slaughtered many but also took out some kittens, who then had to regroup.
Human response[edit | edit source]
The human species began a counter-offensive soon afterwards, with New York leading the way as they are all wankers. Kitten deaths have been high, with some estimating nearly one million killed so far. The kittens have largely been driven into hiding, but are suspected to be preparing a counter-mass-masturbation soon, using newly researched "Kitty Litter" damage multipliers. Meanwhile, the US government is preparing an auto-masturbate system, which would allow humans to masturbate without any effort. (See also: Women). From the Human vs. Kitten Wars came some positive social aspects. People who were girlfriendless losers and or unlucky with women were now the army's greatest generals and war heros. In this way men that were forgotten by society were now given the recognition they deserve for their talents.
List of famous Generals:
- Bill Gates
- Harry Potter
- Tom Cruise
- Adolf Hitler
- Chuck Norris
- Joseph Stalin
- Heinz Guderian
Unperson- Erwin Rommel
- Oscar Wilde
List of Famous military units:
- Audio Visial club troop 7
- Ecology club troop 3
- The War Wankers
- The Red Hot Chili Peppers
- Bukkake Brigade
List of Famous Kitten Commanders:
- Garfield. - Rose up from the dead, and was especially popuar with the kittens due to the fact that because he was morbidly obese and deep orange, he was barely huffable.
- Barney Frank - Barney loved cats so much that he decided to become one of them.
- Hello Kitty - (Real name in Lolcat Heil Kitteh) This evil cat has managed to sway millions of Japanese Schoolgirls into masturbating using the Hello Kitty Vibrator, one wonders which side their masturbation is helping and which side it is harming.
- Catgirls - These Anime inspired japanese half breed super kittens greatly influenced the otaku community to the kitten side which greatly helped their cause during the third war.
- Deadpool - Called to arms by his Cat brethren, Deadpool defended his species diligantly throughout this war.
New Developments[edit | edit source]
Human scientists, by accident, discovered that Bill Gates's face is hideously ugly enough that when unmasked, any kittens witnessing this atrocity are instantly smitten by God. These scientists are trying to develop an ultimate kitten-killing weapon, consisting of Bill Gates and a system of mirrors that will finally eliminate the great Kitten menace.
Kittens have been known to kill robots on a war between robots and zombies. Kittens have also been credited with the invention of lemonade, a natural "kitten steroid".
In recent months, the Kittens have appeared to be close to winning due to some great scare tactics and excellent propaganda films. To counter act this, the humans have taken to train puppies as ninjas.
The Kitten Vs Human War Today[edit | edit source]
The Kittens are fighting back...YES THEY ARE!!! They are using guerilla tactics to prey on the weak and innocent humans to gain control of important territories such as the United kingdom of Amerika and The U.S.S.A . They use the "pounce and scratch" technique to gain the element of surprise and overwhelm the victim to avoid being huffed.
Good for them.
currently, the fighting takes place on Earth, Africa, America, the therion system, garnox, (the kitten homeworld) minos-gamma-theta, and the mighty colony world, capital of kitten existence, Jupiter.
In 2017, Domosoft Released a shooting game called Kitten War. The Game Was Poorly received and considered controversial, but it gained Human Recruits.
Rumors[edit | edit source]
It is rumored that the underground resistance is rebuilding its forces. Richard Gere is secretly joining up, stating, "Kittens, not hamsters, are the new threat of the millenium. I may not be great with weapons but I fully plan to pwn a few kittens even if I have to shove them up my ass to save my comrades." He is calling on such notable kitten-rebels as
Patricia Heaton, Oprah Winfrey, Christian Bale and Unperson to re-arm the rebellion. You never know when they may strike next...
it is also suspected that the sith lord turkmenbashi may become involved.
See Also[edit | edit source]
| The War on Cute | Human Vs Kitten war | The war against Humans |