Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Stratego (Somethingth time)
Stratego [edit source]
I love stratego, so I wrote this article a while ago. Been fine tuning it ever since.
TKFU
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21:54, April 22, 2011 (UTC
Ill give'er a go. --ShabiDOO 03:21, May 6, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 3 | This article is really intensely funny in a few places, generally okay funny throughout and a little dull at most times. In my humble opinion this article needs more than just a little tinkering it needs an over all idea. In any case, I find the humour all over the place. The sections being rather different from each other, and the article lacking a coherent concept throughout, the humour seems to be a patch of general funny ideas about stratego, linked together with various measures of success. Here is a play by play of each.
Intro: Is is a very non-wikipedia parody introduction but a narrative kind which is funny and injects energy into the article from the very beginning. That being said, its really all over the place. Its funny in a kind of, hahaha you are making fun of how lame the game may seem to some and that style you have of making everything thats serious seems stupid, but every sentence is a new idea, a whole new way to make fun of something, all sentences so disconnected from each other that its hard to find the entire introduction as a whole funny. There are five different themes: chess players, jews, a skill-less game, an imitated game and the sport of kings. Each one is individually cute, perhaps even funny on its own context, but mixed together its a little overwhelming. Maybe you should pick one or two of them and base the intro on that, or seriously expand the intro (which seems do-able) and build on the material), or pick an over all concept and introduce the article based on it. What is stratego?: The first paragraph seems like typical reverse humour. Well done, well perhaps as well done as a joke about stragego and chess compared can be. The second paragraphs humour, well to me at least, seems to be based on really well written narrative mixed with a funny reverse humour about blind people. Its funny. Hebrews: The first paragraph is cute, the humour of it seems to rest on the hilarity of the image you provided (the moses image). I think a little tinkering with the wording would make it a lot funnier. The second paragraph is okay, its funny to add jew material to an article (i dont know if this is true or not) but its not stellar funny, even with the Mel Brooks comment. You might have to put more thought into this, how can you parody jewish culture even more to explain why Jews find this game fun, or compelling. Drive deeper into the stereotypes and write funny stuff. The Pieces: Listy. Its listy stuff. The intro before the list is a little confusing and not super funny. I dont know why you made a joke about keen readers nor whats so funny about it. The list is super mega listy. Im really sorry Froggy, but it is like painfully listy. Its repetitive, each paragraph is less funnier than the last and theres nothing original about the list itself, about each entry nor any reason to make a list in the first place. There are funny moments like the technicolour gag, the Riker gag, The "general pieces" persona has a few okay moments. The marshal has some redeeming features, some novelty with the African American style pimp talk, and finally the token black comment and the turban fake link. But, unfortunately there are way too few funny moments to make the whole listy thing worth it. It seems like you should either spend a lot of time making each item on the list either more dimensional (i.e. relating the pieces to something else in the world like contemporary politics or maybe relate each piece to a star trek character, or something jewish, or to meld it all into a narrative incorporating the funnier elements. The Strategies: I find the cheat joke not so funny cause its something seemingly impossible to do (i know you can switch pieces if no one looks but thats not an actual cheat), which makes the whole paragraph a little hard to find really funny cause, cheating is not that easy to do, and impossible to do in a competition. This paragraph could be funny if you make it absurd, like, making the whole game seem like a cheat fest, like the entire tournament being about who could cheat the most, but that would require serious expansion, especially since you refer to cheating again in following sections. The minefield: Cute but not really funny. I cant suggest much here. Hey look over there: This is a funny way to treat the cheating theme, which is really different from the above cheating paragraph. This is quite funny. Though the impact is less since you treated cheating above. The reference to little strategy except attacking is pretty funny. Balad: You continue with the cheating theme, but again in a different and confusing way. The whole junk in the box thing comes out of nowhere and its hard to find funny when you cant relate it with anything else so far in the article and since you have already mentioned cheating twice before but in no congruous way. Afikoman: Sorry i have no clue what this is about. Is there some other game you are talking about. An inside jewish reference? An israeli reference? I just don't get it. Overall: As ive said, there are really funny moments, but the article being so disconnected and without a real concept, and at times really confusing the humour seems to fall flat most of the time even though there are those fuuuuuuuny moments. |
| Concept: | 3 | Ive already referred to concept before in the humour section. I just dont see what it is. Its not a wikipedia article style parody. Its not clearly about jewish people but only interspersed with jewish jokes. Its listy in the middle. It really needs a concept/idea.
Proposals?: Since you are really big on making Jewish references while talking about Stragegy, why not make the article about Jews and the game? There are a lot of ways to do it. Possibilities?: 1. Make the game seem to be about Jewish people playing petty games on each other. 2. Make the game seem like the way Israel defends itself as a nation. 3. A war between Palestinians and Jews. 4. A petty in fight between two Jewish friends who bicker about the value of things that they loan to each other, things they do for each other (i.e. it can narrate a petty fight between two Jewish friends who want to achieve something [get the flag from each other symbolising a specific goal] and the numbers of the pieces that fight each other each representing something they do to each other or perhaps if they are fighting, narrating them bringing up things they have done for each other in the past that represent a value. Example: Hey, remember when I drove you to your cousin's Barmitzfa. Thats at least a 5! Oh yeah, well I picked the gel out of your hair before your date with Suzanna Schmitavich. that's also a 5! Okay, so it cancels each other out (the two pieces being removed). Well, my mother made some Motza for you last night, that's like a 7. What what what what? My mother made us a tuna casserole every weekend five summers ago, thats a 6. (a six beats a 7, you win)! And so on. Ooooooooooooooooooooor: You can relate each picture to a Jewish historical figure or contemporary Israeli politician. It would be hard and difficult to make it funny but this could be commedy gold if done well. I think it would be better than having a listy article. |
| Prose and formatting: | 8 | Ive touched on everything about prose above. It divided into sections. Each sentence is well written. There are lots of links and foot notes and I dont see any real grammatical my stakes. |
| Images: | 5 | I give you a 4 for the moses photo and a 1 for the Riker photo. But this really lacks good images. |
| Miscellaneous: | 5 | Five extra points cause this is a frickin hard article to write and the Moses photo is hilarious. |
| Final Score: | 24 | In my humble opinion this article cant really go anywhere until you have a clear idea of what you are doing. As it is now its a jumble of various ideas, listy in the middle and all over the place. There are fuuuuuuuny moments and super funny potential but until that concept is clear...im not sure you'll be able to do much more with this article. Sorry, but I think there will have to be a major overhaul. |
| Reviewer: | --ShabiDOO 04:07, May 6, 2011 (UTC) | |
I did kind of take this article in a few directions, but it's mostly as a result of me taking the article in a very straightforward way, keeping the focus on the game and not engaging in any gimmicky stuff. Thanks for the review, though. I did take some of your advice to heart, though I won't be doing too radical of a reworking (I'm keeping the list because a list is exactly what the situation calls for). -- TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 20:18, May 7, 2011 (UTC)