UnVoyage:Hel
Hel (German: Hela, Polish: Still Hel, Turkmen: :P) is a tiny town at the very end of the Hel Peninsula. It borders several bodies of water, specifically being the Gulf of Gdansk (or the Gulf of Danzig according to some fucking Nazi...)[1] in the south, and the Baltic Sea in the north. It has the greatest source of Helium located in Poland, and the fifth largest known source of Helium in the world. Hel is near several other cities and ports, mainly Gdansk and Gdynia[2], although is practically isolated being the only settlement on the Peninsula.[3]
Hel has some beaches, and that's pretty much it for tourists. There's a pretty big lighthouse there, and also some mines to blow up German ships, but besides those, Hel has nothing.
Overview[edit | edit source]
If you want a place to make an unfunny joke because of the town's name, you should come here.[4] Although it should be advised, you can only make a joke about the town's name once. Do it twice? All citizens will laugh at you for two minutes straight. It is believed to be Satan's doing that this is possible.[5]
Politics[edit | edit source]
Mostly boring, being a KO-alligned town. However, if HE feels like it, HE can recreate the Nazi Party to temporarily coup the city council for one year. During this year, advertisements last thrice as long, satanists are treated good, cows bleed, and other satanic things. Don't ask.
Hel has received disapproval from the Vatican City due to Hel being a hot spot for Satanism.
Terrain[edit | edit source]
Due to Hel being surrounded by water, you can expect beaches. Beaches, beaches, and more beaches.
Climate[edit | edit source]
Mostly Oceanic. It is unknown how and why Satan created a part of Poland to have the same climate of Oceania. However, every time a year ends with "66", Hel's average temperature reaches a high of around 1000°F. Tourists are the only ones incinerated by these temperatures, as native citizens are used to the heat.
Get in[edit | edit source]
Don't.
By bus[edit | edit source]
Due to Satan's involvement with the creation of Hel, the only way to get to Hel by bus is going on line 666. However, due to vandalism by red goblins, givers, and gremlins, the city council changed it to line 667. Satan sent a message to the council stating:
| “ | fuck u m8 you take that back you mf - xX_satan200_Xx |
” |
By hell[edit | edit source]
If your soul has been damned, but not damned to the point in which you are inside of the last 4 rings of Hell, you can tell Satan that you are taking vacation time away from your labour spent in Hell. If Satan agrees, you can take a temporary[6] visit to Hel.
Hot Spots[edit | edit source]
There are several major "hot spots" to see in Hel, making tourists have a reason to go there.[7]
Satan's K—ᛖᛖᛈ[edit | edit source]
Mines in the Sea[edit | edit source]
During the Second World War, several mines were placed around Hel, causing damages to the German Army. This, as well as other defences in 1939, caused the Battle of Hel to last longer than the Battle of Warsaw.
Hel Lighthouse[edit | edit source]
A tiny lighthouse that apparently has enough sources to have a Wikipedia article. Bias from them? Definitely.
Contact[edit | edit source]
Probably Satan. I mean, it is Hel, what else do you expect? You could also probably call the Police Police[8], although it is likely that they're a squadron full of plumbers only trained to fix toilets and bathrooms. Oh yeah, also probably 911. Duh.[9]
Go next[edit | edit source]
As stated, Hel is completely alone on its peninsula,[3] although you can get to much bigger and better cities like Gdynia and Gdansk by a ferry, yacht, or by just plain old swimming. You can also go walk all the way to Puck, through the uninhabited peninsula[10], probably hurting your legs. You could also take the train to Puck, as a railroad was made in the peninsula in the 1900's. It should be noted that you cannot leave Hel, unless you are in vacation time, if your soul is:
- Damned
- Eternally Damned
- Forsacred
- You just did a really bad thing, okay?
- You probably killed a really good guy. That's why he or she is in heaven, and you are in hell.
- Well technically you can leave. To hell.
Stay safe[edit | edit source]
If you believe in Christianity, avoid Satanists at all costs.[11] The opposite applies to Satanists—avoid Christians at all costs. If you are atheist—you shouldn't come here. Avoid big fire pits if you are not a goblin, gremlin, or Satan. Avoid drowning, mines, Wikipedians, and Germans.[12]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Yet again, this applies to all German people, but the German species has been extinct ever since 1990.
- ↑ Unlike Gdansk which completely changed to Danzig in German, Gdynia stayed mostly the same as Gdingen. Although during the 1940's, it was called Gotenhafen due to the orders of some dude...
- ↑ 3.0 3.1 Excluding Jastarnia, Chalupy, Jurata, and several others that nobody cares about...
- ↑ It turns out that Wikivoyage, a website that parodies UnVoyage, has a sarcastic article about Hell.
- ↑ Like seriously, how the fuck do you explain that rationally?
- ↑ Usually 3-7 days.
- ↑ Although there are essentially none.
- ↑ I'm not sure If I was drugged one night, but I'm sure that this actually exists. (Police is a village in Poland if you didn't know.)
- ↑ It should be noted that Europe uses 112 as their emergency phone number. Poland also uses 997 as their police phone number.
- ↑ Excluding Hel, Jastarni—okay let's be honest nobody gives a shit.
- ↑ At the same time, you shouldn't come here if you're Christian.
- ↑ If the Germans are good people, why do they have "Germ" in their name?
|
Off the Beaten Path three wrong turns ago. |
| Places |
Poland • Poleland • Hel • Kraków • Lubawka • Lublin • Indonesia • Monaco • Singapore |
| History | |
| People |
Blofeld • Marie Curie • Joseph Conrad • Casimir Pulaski • Grzegorz Rasiak • Valery Obodzinsky • Jackson Pollack |
| Culture |
Polackophobia • Pole dancing • Polish language • Polonium • Reverse Polish notation • Shoe polish • Getting invaded |
| Invaders |
Russia • Germany • Prussia • Austria-Hungary • Mongols • Sweden • Fr*nce • and many, many much more... |
