Trolley Problem

An alternative Trolley Problem where victims are not tied down, just severly retarded.

The Trolley Problem is a hypothetical situation that is used to test the strength of moral philosophies. But make no mistake, you can find yourself in this moral-mind fuck in real life. To prepare yourself, you can either read dense philosophical arguments by elitist intellectuals, or you can read this Uncyclopedia article. I think you know what to do..

Da Situation

It’s a beautiful sunny day, and because you are unable to afford a car and your city government is unable to afford modern transportation, you are riding a trolley to work. You are listening to Madonna’s most recent album on your iPod and are most happy. But your peaceful state of mind is about to come to a breaking halt. Suddenly, you see five people tied down to the track and the trolley you're riding on is about to hit them!!! Now you can save the five people by flipping a switch, sending the train on to another track. Gonna do it, right? But Alas! On the other track, there is one man tied on it. (Dramatic music).

You have a moral mind-fuck on your hands. On one hand, you can do nothing and let the trolley kill five people. On the other hand, you can switch and be directly responsible for killing one person. On the other, other hand, you can throw dynamite onto both tracks, killing everybody. (Just for shits and giggles, of course). We can waste our time debating which one’s the right thing to do, but you don’t come out lookin like a good guy in any outcome. So let’s focus on something more productive: coming up with lies that justify your decision.

Solutions

For The Lazy

Before you answer the trolley problem, remember Santa is watching you.

If you’re lazy and decide not to do anything, an acceptable excuse is that you were too busy popping a squat. Many people, like Karl Marx, have problems with bowel movements and would be more than sympathetic to your situation. It doesn't matter that there weren't any bathrooms. When a fella gotta go, a fella gotta go.

For Those Who Think They’re God

But what if you decide to switch? The reason you want to is obvious. You want to feel the god-like sense of power that comes with changing the fate of people’s lives. “Minimizing suffering”, my ass. Now, you need a lie that covers yours. The best option is to say that you are a homosexual and you were using the switch to arouse yourself by inserting it into your bum, incidentally switching the direction of the trolley. What? You have a problem with that? Are you a bigot? I was born that way, you homophobic prick!

See… you are exempt from all moral criticism. Of course, most gays aren’t constantly horny and needy of stimulation. But unless you have the mental capacity of Terry Schiavo, you should know that it’s not the truth that matters; it’s what SEEMS to be the truth. And right now, it seems your detractors are intolerant douchebags. You’re Welcome.

Note: You may be picketed by Westborough Baptist Church.

Enter Fat Man

But what’s this?! You have been suddenly transported to an alternate universe. (Don’t celebrate. Michael Bay is still alive.) Everything is exactly the same, except now the only way to save the five innocent folks is to push an obese man in front of the trolley, killing him. In this case, it is easy to get away with a lie since no really cares about fat people. Not even Karl Marx, as evident by his political system in which no one could become fat. (Everyone starved). Therefore, all you have to say is that you were having a tug of war with the fat dude over an Eggo waffle. He pulled too hard, ripping the waffle in half and causing him to fall in front of the trolley. Upon hearing this, people would become so despondent over the loss of the waffle, people would forget about the fat dude.

Note: You will be officially banned from the Fat Admirer Society. You will be a better man for it.

Dumb Ass Alternatives

Immanuel Kant thought he had an answer to the Trolley Problem. He didn't.

If you are a dumbass and think that being moral means more than just covering your ass, then why don't you wade in the puddles of crap that are the solutions from alternatives of moral philosophy.

Divine Command: Once religious folks realize the moral mind-fuckiocity of the trolley problem, they will go to Plan A, which also happens to be Plan B, Plan C and… well it’s pretty much their only plan: pray. That’s right. Pray. The same God who doesn’t answer my prayers for a bigger dick, will miraculously make his will known to some self-righteous prick who has nothing better to do on Sunday. Seriously dude, if you go with this crowd, you are no better than the guy who phones a friend for the first question of “Who wants to be a Millionaire”. Grow a pair of balls.

Utilitarianism: If a utilitarian was on the train, he would say to switch because it would promote a greater amount of happiness. But why is that Mr. Utilitarian? Is it because the guy on the other track is Mexican? RAAAAAAAACCCIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSTTTTT!! As you can see, utilitarianism fails under logical scrutiny.

Kantianism: Kantians worship a guy named Immanuel Kant. He claimed and therefore Kantians will believe, you can’t switch the trolley’s direction because that means you are using the other guy on the track merely as a mean to save the five other people. This may be true, but if using a person merely as a mean is wrong then why do you keep a Taiwanese sex slave in your S&M dungeon? Looks like you’re a bit of a hypocrite, huh? Huh? Better stay away from this one. In fact, stay way from all these crappy alternatives.

What We Have Learned

Moral mind-fucks can get the best of all of us. But at the end of the day, all that needs to be done is to simply tell a lie that justifies your decision in the eyes of the majority. (Hey, it worked for the guy who got us into Iraq). You will then be seen as good, which is 117% better than actually being good. Just ignore that little voice inside your head. Its coming from a guy named “Your Conscience”. Do not listen to him, for he is a retard and smells like testicles.

Note: If you're unable to tell a lie, or make any tough decision, you could always pull the emergency brake. This would save everybody, but it will make for a much less interesting news story.