Abortion
Abortion is a simple, quick, and painless medical procedure in which an unwanted fetus is removed from its mother and discarded. It has been known to cause an intense, euphoric sensation in women, and therefore was the most popular non-surgical medical procedure in America. Early-term abortions were invented in 1999 by a small band of Mexican thugs known as El Huevos Muertos, known for using forks and various other tools to cause severe trauma to young women's uteri and Fallopian tubes. Oddly, late-term operations were invented sometime in the March of 2007 in Ohio, by accident, when some drunk individual struck a planned parenthood with her vehicle, a red 2006 Toyota Camry, before quickly heading off somewhere else. Scientists have been unable to identify the individual or their location however many speculate that it may indeed be Bigfoot. Among scientific speculations in 2009 a $200,000 bounty was placed on Bigfoot, and commonly associated mythical creatures such as the Loch Ness Monster and the Tooth Fairy, for live capture.
Origins[edit | edit source]
While abortions have been occurring outside of hospitals for years, medically assisted abortions began in the late 20th century, when feminists began looking for something else to do in their spare time. Since voting differently from their husbands went out of style almost as soon as its conception, the idea of killing feti arose as an alternative to getting their hair styled every weekend.
Roe v Wade[edit | edit source]
In 1970 best friends Linda Coffee and Sarah Weddington convinced their friend, Norma L. McCorvey, to have an abortion with them one Saturday morning. McCorvey had been a victim of rape and had never considered abortion as an option to end her unwanted pregnancy. Coffee and Weddington had allegedly become pregnant after a party just the night before for the sole purpose of having the abortion the next day. After McCorvey had her first abortion, she decided to sue the state of Texas and make abortion legal after realizing just how fun it was. Using the name Jane Roe (her nickname in college), she succeeded in bringing the case before the United States Supreme Court. The decision to legalize abortion received a mixed reaction from the American population: joy at the legalization of abortion, and disappointment when they learned that abortions after the first trimester were still illegal.[1]
In popular culture[edit | edit source]
Since Roe v Wade abortion has continued to grow in popularity as a woman's pastime. Many abortion clinics now have fan clubs, MySpace pages, and swimsuit calendars[3] that are available around Christmas time every year. Many women choose to go in for abortions with their friends as opposed to going to wine tastings or going jewelry shopping with their husbands/boyfriends/German Shepherds.
Abortions have become a regular part of a young girl's life. For many, having one's first abortion is a ceremonious occasion.[4]
Among abortion enthusiasts an unofficial lexicon[5] of various abortion-related phrases used in casual situations. Slang words include:
- Getting "scraped" The act of having an abortion. In some cases can refer to having an abortion outside of a hospital or clinic.
- Goo, junk, dead baby syrup The disgusting, foul, chewed-up remains of a fetus after being sucked out of a woman's vagina.
- Going in hot The act of bringing an outside beverage, usually a coffee, into the clinic to enjoy while having an abortion.
- Prairie dog A fetus that is aborted in a partial birth abortion.
- Doggie bag The trash bag into which the remains of the fetus are scraped. Some clinics allow women to bring home the doggie bag to their German Shepherds so that they will buy them more jewelry.
Innovations[edit | edit source]
In recent years many advances have been made in abortion technology, which has led to breakthroughs in the speed, comfort, and cost effectiveness of abortions. Such innovations include the vacuum cleaner, which was first applied in abortion clinics in the early 1970s.[6] The whirr of the machine, the rough, jarring suction, and the soulless face of the nozzle all make for an exciting experience for the no-longer-expectant mothers. Doctors and clinic-goers alike praise the Vag-Vac (as fans like to call it) as being "truly beautiful ... a work of art."
Other innovations in abortion include comfortable recliner seats with cupholders, and membership cards similar to those at recreation centers for speedy check-ins.
Recently, ways to recycle the fetus have been conceptualized and subsequently commercialized. The most notable example of this is Uncle John's Fetus Burgers and Abortion Clinic™, which uses feti instead of inhumanely grown meat in its burgers.
The abortion of abortion rights[edit | edit source]
Dobbs v Jackson Women's Health Organization[edit | edit source]
In 2018 a really annoying incel named Greg became jealous when he realized how much fun all these women were having doing abortions. He personally asked the state of Mississippi to pass a law restricting abortion, and because their legislators are illiterate, they did. This led to an abortion clinic's suing the state of Mississippi, and the case eventually was brought before the United States Supreme Court in 2021. During the hearing, when Justice Amy Coney Barrett learned she'd pushed out like fifteen kids that she could have aborted, she became extra bitchy, so she teamed up with misogynists Samuel Alito, Neil Gorsuch, plus two rapists to allow states to ban abortions.
The release of this ruling in 2022 officially aborted all abortions in the United States. It also killed feminism and unleashed the shrieks of ten million banshees upon America.
With this swift collapse of Roe v. Wade, feminists who'd spent decades insisting abortion was all about freedom and not overpopulation, instantly pivoted to 'oh no, there'll be too many babies!'.
Americans everywhere slapped their heads in disbelief.
So, what happens to abortion in America now? Tune in to next week's episode of Everything is Terrible to find out!
Public opinion[edit | edit source]
Abortion is wildly popular in the United States. Many churches and other Christian organizations have come out in support of the procedure, citing its merit as an opportunity to engage in constructive fellowship with one's friends, as long as it keeps them from committing adultery. Catholics praise abortion as "a safe, practical alternative to contraceptives"; however, they condemn its pleasurable side effects as "potentially dangerous, leading to extreme temptation". Bill Donohue, president of the American Catholic League and generally good person, finds that abortion "advances our crusade against condoms in a positive way".
Some liberal activists, however, disapprove of abortion. Senator Hilary Clinton is staunchly anti-abortion, claiming that abortion is the equivalent of murder. "Besides," she said once as she was getting back into her Hummer H2. "God does not approve of abortion."
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Hardcore party animals often allowed themselves to go well into their third trimester just to have a partial birth abortion, which reportedly gives the mother a better thrill.
- ↑ exclusively for card-carrying members
- ↑ All models are non-viable feti in fetus-sized bikinis.
- ↑ It's traditional for a young girl to become impregnated on the night of her quinceañera so that she may have her first abortion the next day, accompanied by her friends.
- ↑ Now available at the Planned Parenthood online store: "Abortion Enthusiast" T-Shirts! Makes a great Mothers Day gift!
- ↑ Some old-school women and most Republicans still prefer the "ambience" of a clothes hanger.