London Buses

London Buses undergo extensive testing, as can be seen in this 1938 photograph. The bus pictured is still in service to this day.

“I came by bus once. Terribly messy affair”

~ Noel Coward on London Buses

“if a double-decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.”

~ Morissey on getting squashed

London Buses is an organisation created from the ashes of the Second World War Evacuate Children Programme. Whilst the primary purpose of London Buses is to provide a free taxi and play area for lower class children, buses can also be utilised by the Elderly, Unemployed, Fat Women posing as pregnant and Lily Allen.

Scope

Covering approximately 32,000 square miles, London Buses is the world's largest collection of Red Paint. There are 787 routes and all have a contractual obligation to run down Oxford Street. Extra Oxford Street services are put on when roadworks occur in the area. 80% of London's Buses run 24 hours a day. Such an accomplishment, achieved by importing cheap Venezuelan labour, has kept King Ken's regime firmly in power across the Greater London area.

Last year, London Buses broke a record with 3.5 billion instances of graffiti. London Buses has seen the fastest graffiti growth compared to any other bus service in the United Kingdom.

Fares

A free bus ride is generally encouraged through both the Greater London Authority and Yoof TV programming such as Byker Grove and Grange Hill. Each child in London receives an annual Oyster encrusted card that allows them to board any bus any time with the utmost priority. The Greater London Authority in conjunction with Jeremy Kyle and ITV Play also encourage people to avoid work at all costs. In return these self made unemployed people get a "pretty much free" ride. People with disabilities are also entitled to sponge off the Greater London Authority. However, anyone disabled as a result of combat in Iraq is expected to pay a premium to use the service. Oppressed Nazi sympathizers and anyone vaguely anti-semitic can apply to King Ken's office direct and will receive a free Bendy Bus and driver.

Normal people are welcome to use London Buses between the hours of 8am - 9am and 5pm - 6pm. However no normal person is entitled to sit down and they must pay additional taxes to subsidise their use of the service. The current normal cost of a single bus trip is £34.

Operators

London Buses is formed of several operating companies each awarded pot noodles of cash by King Ken and Tim O'Toole.

The current companies operating London Buses are:

• Them East Thames Buses
• The Big Pink F (Worst Group)
• Arriva Arrival Aha! Buses
• London United Front Against Middle Classes
• TransDev Buses (formerly Transexuals and Sexual Deviants)
• London Generally Can't be Arsed
• Ducklands Buses
• Pink Triangle (no pun intended)

Fleet

London Buses use three types of vehicle in their fleet. Type 1 is the Volvo Olympus Double Decker bus. The first deck on these buses functions like a Type 2 bus (see Type 2). The upper deck, however, provides respite for children who haved been oppressed and mentally challenged at school all day and is stocked with complimentary marker pens and sharp keys. Perfume du Fish 'n' Chip is also readily avaiable on this deck. On the more luxurious routes through West London, Perfume du Mac Dee is the preferred choice.

Type 2 buses, also Volvo, are formed of a single deck. Their primary purpose is to facilitate the distribution of drugs in more suburban areas. Orginally called 'Hoppa' during the late 1980s and early 90s, this type of bus is now commonly referred to as 'Bad Land Suburbans'. The seating arrangement in these buses allows yoof to rest their growing legs on seats whilst preparing their ganga.

Type 3 buses are the popular 'Bendy Bus'. The bus was designed by Luke Flinner, a winner of a Children's BBC competition who thought his dad's Mercedes car could be bendier. Due to complaints, air conditioning was removed from these vehicles and replaced with a window slit on the upper left side. Smoking is lawful on these buses and indeed is encouraged. This bus has an unrelated high risk of fire.

Punctuality

London Buses are famously known for their punctuality which by design closely resembles the average Deutsche Bahn train service. This is not surprising, considering that half of them were operated by Arriva, a former subsidiary of DB, which has now been bought out by the American Investors in hopes of capitalising on inefficient bus and rail services.

TfL has developed a tool for predicting the arrival of these buses, known as "realtime bus arrival information". It provides arrival information in an easy-to-follow cipher:

Realtime Bus Arrival Information Interpretation

TfL's information	intended interpretation
due	it's already gone
1 min	4 min
2 min	3 min
3-10 min	????????
11-15 min	it's not coming
27 min	you're late
*no information provided*	2 minutes 14 seconds

During certain off-peak hours, a timetable is provided, however nobody has actually used a London bus during this time, and as such the reliability of these provided times is unknown.

School Rush

School Rush is a well-known phenomena that occurs on weekdays at 3pm. This is when schoolchildren are released into the general public and cause significant disruption to bus services. Among them:

• Chavs
• Roadmen
• Pedophiles

It is a well-known piece of local knowledge that commuting on a London Bus should be avoided after 3pm.

Entering such an infested bus decreases life expectancy by 10%, as some of the following events may occur:

• Knife fights
• the bus tipping over as a result of a hoard of schoolchildren jumping on one side of the bus at a well-known sharp turn of the route
• Theft
• Drug Use
• Marijuana consumption

Night Buses

Night buses are a recognised gay subculture often frequented by the intoxicated. The reliability of Night buses varies across the London Bus network. Typically big sleepy towns like Kingston, Croydon or Ealing have night buses every 3-4 minutes. In more urbanised areas such as the Houses of Parliament night buses run at a 1 per night frequency.

Daniel Beddingfield is thought to be the most famous passenger ever noted on a night bus.

External links

• King Ken's Factory

  Official Uncyclopedia Guide to London