HowTo:End the Universe
- This article has been approved by Dr. Phil for it's useful self-help advice
Girlfriend or boyfriend broke up with you? Your 360 got the Red Ring of Death ? Bank foreclosing on your house? Repo-Man knocking on your front door? Got head-shotted in Counter-Strike? Suicide may be an option. Unfortunately, you're too good for that. You won't do them the favor of getting rid of yourself, you emo prick you want to take them all with you. Then it is time to end the universe.
The Chuck Norris Theories
Sometimes referred to as "The Chuck Effect" is a theory that has been proven 99.9% likely. Apparently, when time travelling gecko Jackie Chan went forward in time to win a bet against Al Gore, he witnessed the end. You see, he claims that when Chuck Norris thought he was wrong. He was of course correct in what he thought he was wrong about, but was incorrect in thinking that he was wrong. This caused the universe to implode in on itself. Nothing too exciting.
Some scientists speculate that should Mr. T and Chuck Norris or Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee ever fight, there is a high chance of a universe being destroyed, since such level of awesomeness simply cannot be contained. If all 3 should fight, the probability of destruction raises to 9005% + PI/2. Adding Jesus to the equation reduces the chances back to zero, given his awesome power of peace.
Note that the universe did not end during the movie "The Way of the Dragon" even though Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee fought. This is because that movie actually caused the birth of Chuck Norris as we now know him by the act of killing Chuck Norriss' previous stage of life in the movie, effectively giving birth to the amazing Chuck Norris, since only Bruce Lee is amazing enough to give birth to Chuck Norris. An alternate version of Walt Diznez (a poor but heroic Mexican piemaker) tried to explain how this happened by an unknown mean.
Have some fun first
If you're going to end the universe, you may as well take the time to have some fun at it. Options include setting off giant exploding things to put the world on notice of its imminent destruction and/or allowing James Bond to enter your secret evil compound built with improbably large air ducts. Alternatively, knowing the universe will end soon, you can borrow heavily from loan sharks and spend it all on booze and hookers.
Preparing to End the Universe
Why suicide-bomb the world (more than once), when you can use math? Ending the world as we know it can be made very easy using simple, mind-exploding Math. Before attempting to end the universe, you should be well-versed in the following subjects:
- Christianity (Hey, It's the only way people will be happy with it.)
- Making me a pie
Once you have become well-versed in the above subjects, you need the following materials:
- A chalkboard
- 5 high-school students
- 4 of which should be pwning and/or failing their math course
- The other one should be lighting his pants on fire with a blow torch
- Oh yeah... Forgot to mention he should have a law major. You'll need him to avoid Lawyers
Ending the Universe
When you have gathered all the materials in a room, you may begin the easy, yet mind-boggling procedure to End the Universe:
1. Draw a circle on the chalkboard.
2. Draw a line leading from the edge of the circle to the center. label this line X
3. Next to the circle, write the following: "x/0 = ∞".
4. Wait 3-5 minutes for the knowledge to sink in.
5. Wait as the Universe realizes what is going on.
6. Duck and cover as the Universe begins to make a funny rumbling noise AND THEN CATASTROPHICALLY EXPLODE in a hail of fire.
7. Sit and feel silly as you die
Some people say that dividing by zero may end the universe, but so far the only people who are able to successfully divide by zero are Chuck Norris, Bill Nye, Rory Williams, Mike Portnoy, Captain Kirk, Zhuge Liang, Forrest, Ritchie Blackmore, and the Priceline Negotiator. All nine are too smart to share that information with you. Forrest, denies this method as complete bullcrap, seeing as he, as well as some of his friends and family, have been able to divide by zero succesfully without ending the universe
Alternatively, one may choose a simpler method. This method involves Kirby. Should Kirby choose, he/she may eat the entire universe. Therefore ending the universe.**
- Note: Kirby may in fact become the universe which he/she ended. It is in fact unknown and a paradox may be created. The paradox will most likely destroy both the original universe and the Kirby version. Further research is necessary.
If you are reading this text after completing the procedure to End the Universe, you have not made me enough pie. Try again later.
Methods not involving Chuck Norris or Pie
Long ago God created this method in the divine computer that controls all creation. He/She/It wanted a failsafe for if the universe wasn't fun anymore, so a simple password was created. By saying the word Xyzzy all the magic of the universe would temporarily reside in a human, before of course the fabric of reality collapsed in on itself. Bummer. But to someone looking for The End, it was a good deal. Of course, God did not want this word to simply be said like nothing. So there were some requirements made:
- It must be pronounced correctly
- It must be used in context in a sentence (You can't just say "I Xyzzy that statement"; it's a noun)
- It must be used in a grammar book level sentence, without fragments or run-ons
Because 0.00000000002% of all people of humanity are actually capable of doing this, the universe is safe for now.
Alternatively, one may choose a simpler method. This method involves Kirby. Should Kirby choose, he/she may eat the entire universe. Therefore ending the universe.*
- *Note: Kirby may in fact become the universe which he/she ended. It is in fact unknown and a paradox may be created. The paradox will most likely destroy both the original universe and the Kirby version. Further research is necessary.
Cheat-codes for ending the Universe
If you happen to live near a time-travel vortex, Marty McFly or a TARDIS, you can travel to the restaurant at the end of the universe. Unfortunately, you won't be able to take anyone with you, since you are the only one stupid enough to travel to the end of time.
Of course, if you end up passing the restaurant, then you'll be dead. So please, if you want to have a good view of the chaos, don't miss.
Another thing you can do is press square, circle, triangle, l2, l1, r2,r2,cross,square,circle square onto a normal ps2 controller. Or was that triangle, square, triangle, circle, square...
The Final Fantasy Trick
Another way to ending the universe is playing Final Fantasy V. You must first gain access to Faris, a pirate and then you must unlock the ninja class. After that, simply turn Faris into a ninja, this will instantly create a blackhole, which will crash the whole universe. An alternate method to end the universe is simply to play Final Fantasy V.