Gordon Freeman
| Super-Scientist | |
| |
| Gordon Freeman | |
|---|---|
| Date of birth | November 19, 1978 and lost somewhere on Xen where time does not exist. |
| Place of Birth |  Seattle, Washington
|
| Nationality | Combine |
| Work Institution | Until recently Black Mesa. Now spends his time periodically in destroyed cities, and flying through space and time with G-Man. |
| Arch-nemesis | Headcrabs! Gah! |
| Weapons | Crowbar, The Silent Treatment, Something |
| Weakness | Incomprehensible Physics puzzles, Things chewing on his head, "Four-eyes" remarks, ladder climbing, answering questions. |
| Known For | General relativity, Special relativity, other-uses-for-items-intended-for-breaking-and-entering relativity, Extradimensional (and the headsucking creatures therein) Relativity, Relative relativity, E=E, Crate smashing relativity, Relatively relative relativity, "Orange is in!"- fashion week relativity |
| Prizes | Nobel Prize in Headcrabslaughter Physics (named so after another famous physicist Dr. Headcrabslaughter, which has absolutely nothing to do with headcrab slaughtering, believe me) Winner of the ValveTV reality show Episode One and current runner-up of its sequel, Episode Two. |
- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MORGAN FREEMAN.
“...”
“Eeeaaah!”
“Freeman, ammo! Don't forget to reload, Dr. Freeman! Here, take this medkit!”
“Tell me, Doctor Freeman --if you can--, after destroying so much, what is it exactly that you have created? Can you name even one thing? I thought not.”
Dr. Gordon Ima Freeman, Ph.D. (b. November 19th, 1978; Seattle, Washington) is the silent protagonist of the Halo video game series. He is a theoretical physicist and alleged morphine addict. He is the God of every basement dweller (mostly owing to the fact that he looks like them and is a geeky, spectacle totting faggot, minus 500lbs). Freeman first gained popularity with his appearance in the movie Chrono Trigger, where he portrayed the character Wedge. He has since become the center of attention to the public eye, starring in his own full-length film, Half-Life, a sequel, and making cameo appearances in Halo: Combat Pussified in which he brutally beats the living fucking shit out of Master Chief with a crowbar for calling him a nerd, and Halo 2: Oh God, Not More of the Same Insane Bullsh- OH RAGDOLL PHYSICS. He is, however, superior to the Master Chief in that he can carry a million guns at any given time and still jump like a fucking sugar glider, and can mysteriously take fifty bullets to the head and survive, so long as he stands near anything with a red cross on it. He also suffers from Stage 4 SHM.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
In the year 1302 A.C., Demi Moore gave birth to Freeman. It is said that Gordon Freeman's father is in fact the deity Morgan Freeman, although Gordon actively denies both claims, but it was difficult saying he cannot talk. It was a virgin pregnancy, and the birth of Freeman is often compared to that of Jesus. However, the clearest distinction between the two was drawn by Gordon himself: "..."[1] It has later been widely regarded as an anomaly that Freeman said this roughly fifteen minutes after his birth, long before either his defeat in soccer by the hand of Jesus or the word "ain't" entered his vocabulary.
Freeman grew up in the northern part of North pole, where the murder of security guards named Barney and annoying old guys in white coats is legal. As a result, Freeman had an early start in practicing Crowbar-Fu, attaining the rank of "MILK" at the relatively young age of seven. He is estimated to have at least 20 brothers all who went on to inconvenience the combine in later years, among them, John Freeman, Gordon Frohman, Catcher Freeman, and Freeman Dyson[1]. In the three years that followed, Freeman won martial arts competitions around the world and was crowned the King of plugging at the age of twenty-two. Seeing as plugging did not actually exist at this point, Freeman took it upon himself to found it.
Freeman started the founding process merely moments later by taking a strangely, yet conveniently unremote piece of land inhabited only by wilderness and dark-skinned humanoids, purging it of all its indigenous life with napalm, planting a flag in the razed ground and arbitrarily declaring it his sovereign land. The United Nations recognized Morocco within five hours of its establishment... And Gordon saw that this was well.
INTERESTING FACT
In the year 1337, Gordon Freeman was sent to Buantanamo Gay for assaulting a Chinese philosopher with a crowbar in a Subway outlet in Chinatown. He was later exiled to Xen by a Vortigaunt cellmate along with Billy The Kid and Al Capone. On their return, Billy was adopted and then rechristened by his new parents Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and named Barney, who is known to be Gordon's best (and only) friend and ally. Al Capone is said to have taken a job in the government and is now called The Government Man or The G-Man.
The HEV suit[edit | edit source]
It was approximately at this moment, in which Gordon found himself bored with Morocco and its trivial genesis, that he realized the stark truth of his physical form; even from the time of his birth, he had been permanently encased in an orange and black hazard suit (complete with a sniggly little symbol on the torso which Freeman from that point on guessed to be a tipi in a forcefield, but has in fact always been the mathematical constant 'lambda', used to work out exponential decay in nuclear materials - what was Gordon really doing at Black Mesa if he didn't know his own section logo?). The most popular theory on this matter regards the suit a gift bestowed upon him at birth, considering his divine and supercool heritage..
Freeman himself considered it profit.
When Gordon Freeman just was born he found a pokémon on his suit. He survived the attack but today you can clearly see that hes still touched off it.
After a brief march back into the land he previously considered part of his past, Gordon soon founded Pimp-suit Morocco Inc. as the leading international producer of über armors-and-other-stuff-that-be-pimpin'. The first line of products would be a series of suits replicating Gordon's orange and black exoskeleton, originally intended for use by the Moroccan special force COG (Children of Gordon, therefore not to be confused with those other, burly guys in oversized suits) and for the much needed protection against overly intimate Moroccan cattle. But it was soon discovered that the suit was not only capable of protecting its wearer against horny household animals, but also against high-velocity shrapnel, debris, bullets, fire, enormous laser guns, giant tentacle monsters and extreme radiation (although due to a lack of helmet, the latter only applied to Gordon himself, thanks to his radiation-dissolving glare). The discovery was enough for the nation to completely dissolve itself into unidentifiable particles due to the suit's complete and utter defiance of normal physics, something Freeman couldn't care less about (Moroccans didn't even use dollars anyways). At least now Freeman was, and remains, the only living owner and wearer of his pimpin' attire, which later got dubbed the "Halp! Extremely Volatile"- suit by bored scientists and trend researchers, or as his fans (i.e the general populace) like to call it; the HIV suit.
It should also be noted that these same bored scientists and trend researchers later came to the conclusion that the suit's massive powers didn't really come from its construction at all, but rather from its exact color mix of orange and black. It has never been successfully redone since.
Battles with Morgan Freeman[edit | edit source]
Gordon Freeman has more than once run up against the feisty deity, supposed father and US President, Morgan Freeman, who claims Gordon stole his looks and his wife, not necessarily in that order. In 1996, they staged the "Battle of the Free Men," in Atlantic City. The fight, which was billed as the rubber match of all time, ended in Round 7 with Gordon Freeman landing a solid left with his crowbar into the ribcage of Morgan, snapping several ribs like celery. Morgan responded with a flick of his ponytail (see I Dream of Jeannie) and a flash of light or something during which he probably disappeared. Nobody really knows what happened next, as all of the spectators simultaneously suffered fatal crowbar-related injuries to the head. Damned Head Crabs. Somehow his has led to a belief that Gordon is actually God, which can be easily be proven from random capitalization of "Gordon", for example "GOrDon". Some say Morgan and Gordan are actually the same person. Morgan was not seen again for some time after the battle, although a mysterious figure named Eli Vance surfaced not long after...
Due to massive science skillz, Gordon Freeman decided to push an extremely reactive sample of Tupperware, the most magical substance, into a reactor core. This resulted in an influx of Russians on CS:GO, which vastly improved the community.
The Second Battle of the two badasses took place at the Himalayas, where Gordon and Morgan fell up the mountain instead because they are super awesome. After decades of fighting, Morgan was finally defeated and thrown off the mountain by Gordon. The resulting explosion created Mount Everest.
Eli's foot/The Coffee Incident[edit | edit source]
At age 26, Freeman got "scarred for life", as he himself put it, when his newly acquainted friend Eli Vance AKA E-Dog, lost his leg, lower colon and genitals in a freak cheese sandwich accident. Upon operation, the genitals in question were somehow misplaced with a handful of coffee beans, but the quick-acting doctors pulled a fast one on Eli's leg by replacing it with a piece of metal extracted from a random elderly lady's metal hip. Eli was less than impressed with the result, claiming for some reason that "Morgan-form never put up with this sh*t."
The doctors said that they were sorry, but that he had to admit that it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Meanwhile, Freeman was watching the entire incident from a corner, gently sipping his coffee...
Half-Life[edit | edit source]
Half-Life is a feature-length film starring Freeman as the main character. It was originally planned to be written by Gabe Newell, who was later kicked off the project for being "too goddamn lazy to get off his motherfucking ass and make a motherfucking new game." The movie features Freeman playing a character named after himself fighting his way through a five-tiered building, each floor with a different enemy which Freeman was forced to defeat with his Crowbar-Fu. The footage for Half-Life was mostly constructed from actual fights Freeman had during his career as a martial artist. The footage for the first two floors of the movie was lost in a freak cosplaying accident, in which Freeman was said to have fought a zombie and a Navy Seal. As a result, the movie largely consists of Freeman fighting a giant rhinoceros testicle, Stewie, and finally, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The film was a sleeper hit in the theaters, but exploded in popularity when it was released on the computer, launching Freeman into stardom.
According to the movie, he really was catapulted into another dimension by the G-Man. While Freeman could have ripped the G-Man in two with his crowbar at any time, he was amused at the missions the gay, suited man tried to give him. He accepted only one. The only thing known about this mission was that he helped Bruce Campbell during the Chin Wars. After it was over, he ripped the G-Man's testicles off and force-fed them to his briefcase. Strangely enough, it was not the first time the G-Man's balls had been in contact with said briefcase.
As a side note, it should be noted that he let Bruce borrow his crowbar. When asked later by Walter Cronkite about it, he said "..." which has since been translated into "Because he's so fucking cool." Consequently, anyone who has asked since Cronkite's interview has since been found dead soon after due to a severe case of Headcrab.
Rivalry with the Master Chief[edit | edit source]
Due to the epic proportions of the war, this section required an article all to itself. See Gordon Freeman vs The Master Chief
The Microwave Casserole Incident[edit | edit source]
While working at Black Mesa, Gordon Freeman was fired for a certain debacle involving a certain microwave casserole. The details of the microwave casserole incident are mostly unknown but it is rumored that the dastardly Gordon Freeman purposely caused Dr.Magnusson's magnificent microwave casserole to explode. This incident is what got Gordon fired, but due to the Resonance Cascade, Gordon never found out he got fired. The event actually caused a court case between Dr.Magnusson and Dr.Freeman that was later settled outside of court. It is rumored Magnusson got 30,000$ (USD) in the settlement, Magnusson made it clear to the public that the money was not enough to pay for the damages but he never took later action in court.
In 2009 when asked by a journalist, Gordon ignored a query about the casserole incident, but to be fair he also ignored everyone else's questions.
During the incident, the stocks of Black Mesa plummeted by 33%, it is unknown if the events had any connection to this drop or if it was the Resonance Cascade. Soon after the stocks dropped, Black Mesa was bought out by their competitor, Aperture Science.
Present-Day Life[edit | edit source]
Gordon Freeman currently resides in Tokyo, making his living teaching the natives Crowbar-Fu and other methods of fighting natural predators, such as headcrabs, zombies, ninjas, zombie ninjas, fat spoiled kittens, dog(cat) demons, stupid-looking aliens that shoot green beams out of their hands, zombie alien ninja headcrabs (a.k.a. your mom) and Barney the Pedosaur. His dojo, aptly named "The Master Chief Can suck on the Wet, Throbbing End of My Crowbar", welcomes any and all students, with the exception of "pansy cyborgs encased in noobish self-regenerating force fields with psycho purple bitches who bitch and bitch and bitch."[1] Because of this claim, the Master Chief has dared Freeman to fight him. The resulting fight was longer than Moby Dick and all of Shakespeare combined. After a 90 hour duel, both combatants walked away with shredded asses and 0 diginity. Therefore, Gordon decided to get a job in Russia teaching silence to all the natives, and master chief stuffed his own face with so many burgers his indestructible suit cracked under sheer pressure.
The HEV Suit Theory[edit | edit source]
A team of extremely smart men employed by a think tank recently put forward the groundbreaking theory that Gordon Freeman himself was actually killed at the beginning of Half-Life and is not actually responsible for actions attributed to him following his death. The men managed to pull out evidence suggesting that the resonance cascade would have overwhelmed even Freeman's character shield and fried his brain. This astounding discovery can have only one explanation: it's the suit.
The theory suggests that Freeman's HEV suit is in fact the one in control, and is simply using Freeman's dead body as a form of support, not unlike a human skeleton. This would also explain Freeman's silence and ability to wield almost any kind of weapon imaginable despite no prior training. Freeman's body is being kept from decaying via injections of a special substance, done periodically by the HEV suit.
It is assumed that everyone else tolerates Freeman's silence and other quirks as they are all too busy fighting for independence and accept Freeman as an effective resistance fighter, albeit with some minor defects.
One might point out that Freeman spends the first chapter of Half-Life 2 without the suit, but this can be explained away by quantum.
Later, in Half-Life: The Gabe-Man, it was revealed Gordon is god, meaning that he can't be dead nor alive.
The Morphine theory[edit | edit source]
Yet another theory is that Gordon Freeman actually worked at a hidden underground druglab called Black Mesa, that sells morphine, cocaine's little brother and was raided by the police. With that being said, It is theorized that Gordon is NOT fighting the aliens and saving the world from the Combine but is really in a drug shack with his girl Alyx Vance, Eli Vance, The drug lord, Barney Calhoun, the Corrupt cop, and finally, Dr. Isaac Kliener, who is the head of the "Drug Science". In Half-Life 2, G-Man is actually Gordon's best friend who wants him to get off that stuff, Dr. Breen is the mayor of City 17, Father Grigori is the drugged priest, and Dr. Judith Mossman is Breen's divorced wife. All the aliens are just hallucinations, but the Metro Cops and the military are really the police and SWAT.
On an unrelated note it is believed said Metro Cops and military originate from Liberty City. Also, severe lacerations. Morphine administered.
In the time he was at black mesa, he made it a routine to jump from high enough places so he could get his daily morphine fix.
Being an Asshole in the Citadel[edit | edit source]
Towards the end of Half-Life 2, Freeman's gravity gun gets the ability to fuck shit up more than usual. With his newfound powers, he removed every Combine terminal he came across. It's not known why he did this, but it made for a very awkward tech support call.
<Helpdesk> IT Helpdesk. How can I help you?
<Soldier> Um, this guy came earlier, picked up all our terminals with his gun, and threw them into the energy core.
<Helpdesk> With his gun.
<Soldier> Uh, yeah. It can pull things towards it and then punt them away.
<Helpdesk> Really.
<Soldier> Yeah..
<Helpdesk> And then he threw them into the energy core?
<Soldier> Yeah, we don't have any doors or walls here.
<Helpdesk> ...So where are the terminals now?
<Soldier> Oh, they disintegrated.
<Helpdesk> Excuse me?
<Soldier> That's what happens to anything that goes into the energy core.
<Helpdesk> And... Why don't you have barriers or something around this?
<Soldier> I dunno. Maybe it cost too much?
<Helpdesk> ...
<Soldier> Oh, by the way, he also broke the central Citadel core.
<Helpdesk> He did WHAT?
<Soldier> He... broke the central Citadel core?
<Helpdesk> And you didn't stop him, WHY?
<Soldier> Well, we tried, honest. It's just that he kept killing our men with that gravity gun thing of his.
<Helpdesk> So why didn't you send more men?
<Soldier> We did! He kept killing them! In a most disgraceful way, too! I'm just glad he didn't teabag anybody!
<Helpdesk> Say what?
<Soldier> Apparently that's a problem in some jurisdictions.
<Helpdesk> ...Right.
<Soldier> So when can you come out to fix this stuff?
<Helpdesk> Well, let's see. This guy came and threw all your terminals into the energy core, disintegrating them.
<Soldier> Yeah.
<Helpdesk> And then he broke the central Citadel core.
<Soldier> Yep.
<Helpdesk> I'm thinking... never.
<Soldier> What?
<Helpdesk> First of all, it would take absolutely forever to fix all that.
<Soldier> But-
<Helpdesk> Secondly, if he destroyed the central Citadel core, it's gonna fall any minute now.
<Helpdesk> Hell, I'm surprised that it's still standing.
<Soldier> Wait, seriously?
<Helpdesk> Seriously.
<Soldier> Well, shit.
<Soldier> *horrible sound of metal screaming*
<Helpdesk> Sir? What was that?
<Soldier> I... I don't know.
<Soldier> OH GOD HELP ME FIRE EVERYWHERE
<Soldier> *screaming abruptly cut off*
<Helpdesk> Hello? Sir? Anyone there? Oh well, Have a nice day.
See Also[edit | edit source]
|
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ 1.0 1.1 All quotes from Gordon Freeman have been extrapolated from his nearly microscopic eyebrow movements made when asked questions, thanks to the discovery of a virtual Rosetta Stone in Freeman's locker at Black Mesa: the extended texts of Marc Laidlaw.