Sniper (Team Fortress 2)
The Sniper (Australopithecus Headshotticus) is one of the nine playable classes in Team Fortress 2, designed for players who enjoy camping in a bush, drinking their own urine, and ruining the fun of twelve-year-olds who just wanted to play Capture the Flag.
Sniper’s entire personality can be summed up as: “Lives in a van, pees in jars, and thinks this makes him a professional.”
Origins[edit | edit source]
The Sniper was born in New Zealand, which immediately disqualified him from being cool. To hide this fact, he rebranded himself as “Australian,” a country where everything wants to kill you, including the kangaroos, the sun, and the local brand of Vegemite.
His father, Mr. Mundy, famously shouted:
“Son, you’re a disappointment. Why can’t you just be a crocodile dentist like the rest of us?”
To which Sniper replied by inventing the Headshot, a maneuver previously unknown to mankind. Thus he was exiled to a van, which doubles as his house, workplace, and container for an alarming number of jars.
Personality[edit | edit source]
The Sniper is:
- 10% assassin
- 40% caffeine
- 50% urine
- 100% concentrated power of dink
He is the only class whose catchphrases include lectures about professionalism while simultaneously yeeting jars of bodily fluids at people.
Weapons[edit | edit source]
- Sniper Rifle: Converts boredom into instant kills. Equipped with a scope, a laser pointer, and your crippling need for validation.
- Huntsman: A bow that proves Valve hates hit detection. 50% of arrows vanish into another dimension, 50% crit by accident.
- Jarate: “Tactical Piss Deployment System™.” Allegedly banned by the Geneva Convention but still allowed in TF2 pubs.
- Razorback: A wooden dinner plate strapped to your back. Protects you from exactly one stab before disintegrating like Ikea furniture.
- Self-Esteem: Never equipped.
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
The Sniper’s playstyle consists of:
- Climbing to the highest perch on the map.
- Waiting.
- Waiting more.
- Missing.
- Blaming lag.
- Getting stabbed by a Spy.
- Throwing Jarate in retaliation and dying anyway.
Sniper mains insist that their class requires “skill,” which is true if you define skill as holding still and pressing mouse1 after three seconds of charging.
Sniper vs. Sniper[edit | edit source]
When two Snipers see each other, the universe enters a Mexican Stand-Zoom. Both scope in and out repeatedly, jitter like caffeinated squirrels, and eventually die to a random rocket from across the map.
Quotes[edit | edit source]
- “Professionals have standards.” (like throwing piss at people, apparently)
- “I’m not a crazed gunman, dad!” (he absolutely is)
- “Boom. Headshot.” (followed immediately by “How the bloody hell did that miss!?”)
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Sniper invented the concept of Australia after shooting the real continent by mistake.
- His van runs on 100% pure Jarate. This makes it both eco-friendly and a biohazard.
- Canonically, Sniper once got kicked out of a McDonald’s for trying to “scope in” on the cashier.
- His sunglasses are bulletproof, but only against Nerf darts.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
Sniper is beloved by players who:
- Hate fun.
- Hate teamwork.
- Hate everyone else.
And yet, he remains iconic: the urine-slinging bush wizard of TF2, forever haunting Dustbowl cliffs and your killcam.