John Myung

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about John Myung.

John Samurai Myung (born January 24, 1967 in Chicago, Illinois) is a mythical creature. He is also the bassist, saxophonist, tackler and psychoanalyst for Lebanese folk band Dream Theater. Myung is known for his unique bass playing style, his rugby playing on stage and for his muteness. He is actually an awesome Korean Ninja, who attacks monkeys in his spare time. He has been known to butcher the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana repeatedly, but puts them together again with his badassery so he can cut them apart again.


It is rumored John Ro Haikai Banzai Samurai Myung was born in January 24, 1872 in a small city in Korea called Tokyo. His nationality is yet to be discovered, for nobody could ever tell it from the language he spoke because he has apparently never done so, but people can definitely tell he might be Black. He had a turbulent childhood, with his home village being constantly attacked by Godzillas, Flying Spaghetti Monsters and Giant-sized Kelly Clarkson. In one of those attacks, he lost his parents which were eaten by a Canadian hockey player named James LaBrie. By that time, he was still the age of 2, thus forcing his elder brother Nhoj Ro Haikai Banzai Myung to take care of him. Unfortunately, Nhoj had a psychological disease which made him mistake people for strawberry-topping pudding whenever he hears a Jewish lady sneeze. When John was 7, his brother attempted to cook him in the oven and John could only escape because Nhoj hesitated for a while when he realized you don't cook pudding.

Then John ran away scared until he ran into John Petrucci, accidentally having his first tackle. Petrucci was collecting green herbs for witchcraft in a meadow when Myung met him. That brought a sudden feeling to John Petrucci, who immediately hugged Myung saying with conviction he was the legendary tackler who'd save Earth from the weird banana-wielder leprechaun invasion. He then made the legendary boy aware of his tackle's skill stealing powers, saying that accidental tackle had taken from him his incredible bass guitar skills. That instantly put Myung on Earth's top bassist ranks, at the cost of Petrucci's skills. Petrucci, having lost all his bass guitar training, decided to play the electric guitar instead. Thus was formed the dynamic duo, which would later on meet Lebanese keyboardist Jordan Rudess, have an unexpected reunion with the hockey player/singer James LaBrie who ate Myung's parents, and gave birth to drummer Mike Portnoy.

Myung's trajectory has attracted the interest of video game developers, appearing in important titles such as Bass Hero, Super Myung RPG: The Legend of the 7 Bassists, Final Myungstasy XXXIII,The Legend of Zelda (as Link), Super Smash Bros Melee (as a hidden character), and he is officially a Legendary Pokemon.

Soon after finishing recording Dream Theater's Gazillionth album "Silver Clouds and Black Linings" (their second concept album and a tribute to the Windows Operating system), a terrible transformation (witnesses tell it has something to do with Venuses strange rays) turned Myung into a Grue and he ate Mike Portnoy. The remaining band members, shocked but not disbelieved, stated that "NOW WE ALL KNOW WHY THAT F*CKER ALWAYS KEPT HIS MOUTH SHUT OVER THE YEARS!!!" Soon after the accident the Myung Grue suffocated from Portnoy's excessive hair and died, autopsy reveled 23.58% hair pressure in Grue's blood system which caused death imminently.


John Myung uses his signature Yamaha, Suzuki, Toyota and Phat Farm bass guitars, effect pedals, amplifiers, hashis, outftifs and toothbrushes. He also runs on a pair of standard AA batteries when doing interviews and partaking in meet and greet sessions with extraterrestrials and fellow robots. However, when playing live, he is plugged into an electrical charger to ensure he can withstand the lengthy concerts. This is why none of the members actively move onstage, as fear that their power sockets might disconnect. They are all robots. He mentioned in a secret documentary ( with signals language ) in Live at Budokan DVD. He also possesses signature underwear, but those series are all sold out at this time.

John Myung changing his shape to destroy Tokyo once again

Innate Abilities and Skills[edit]

John Myung is one of the most elusive creatures in the world. Researchers have been trying to capture him for a number of years but all attempts have proven fruitless. Scientists cite that his power to change his size at any given time, his unnatural speed and his ability to float make him near impossible to pursue. Top military experts even admit that he cannot be tracked with radar due to his sleek design and use of harmonics.


Myung has only four toes in his right foot. The fifth toe is in fact a mutant third leg which started to grow due to radioactive spits he got from his son Mike Portnoy. It is also said that due to an unkown radioactive accident, he is unable to speak and may only communicate with a bass. Myung is also a robot. Whenever Dream Theater want something done, they just put him together and send him off to do it. Since bass is such a hard instrument to learn, it was much easier to design a robot to do the task instead, since a mediocre bass player would seem out of place in Dream Theater's prodigious lineup. Hence, Myung is always the member sent to do stuff with fans, like workshops and meet & greets. This also explains why he always has so little to say in interviews/meet & greets; he has limited responses. The reason why the band often begin playing a bit later than the official concert start times is usually because a piece of John's hard drive got stuck in customs or damaged en route. Thankfully, John Myungs are stockpiled all over the world so they never take long to replace.

Jedi Powers[edit]

At age 12, Myung met with Jedi Master Yoda. After an intense session of kickassery and awesomeness, he gained all of Yoda's knowledge, including the meaning of life (42), but who cares. He has been seen fighting evil, and disguised as a black man by the name of Mace Windu. Another defining mark of said black man is his purple hair, which sometimes works to his disadvantage most of the time.


...(bass playing)...

John Myung on Dream Theater


Gordon Freeman on John Myung


John Myung on Gordon Freeman


John Myung on Beef Fried Rice


John Myung on Anything, everything, and nothing

Also See[edit]