Fullmetal Alchemist

This is the cover of the first Japanese manga volume. It features two characters, named Alphonse and Edward Elric. I can't help but notice that one of them looks like a robot.

Alright, I'll be honest with you. I don't know jackshit about Fullmetal Alchemist. I've heard it's some kind of popular anime/manga thingy. So anyway, I'll be reading from the Wikipedia page while writing this article. Apparently, some Japanese person called "Hiromu Arakawa" wrote and illustrated the Fullmetal Alchemist manga. (Hmm, the world of Fullmetal Alchemist is styled after the European Industrial Revolution. I guess that explains all the robots and stuff, am I right?) And in this world, alchemy is one of the most advanced scientific techniques known to man. The story is about two brothers, Edward and Alphonse Elric. They tried to resurrect their mother with this "alchemy" stuff, but, sadly, epically failed while doing so and lost parts of their bodies in the process, thus setting the stage for what would've otherwise been a very boring anime/manga. The manga was adapted into an anime, a movie which concludes the story of aforementioned anime, another anime, another movie, a live-action movie, and a shitload of other stuff.

Plot

The Elric brothers might've plagiarized a couple scenes from 300.

Edward and Alphonse Elric are two alchemist brothers searching for the Philosopher's Stone (or Sorcerer's Stone if you're in the US) a powerful object which they can use to restore their bodies. Born someplace called Amestris, the boys lived there with their mother. They also had a father, Van Hohenheim, who dumped their mom soon after she got pregnant. After a little while, their mother, Trisha Elric, suddenly became terminally ill from an unknown disease. The Elric brothers tried and failed resurrecting their mother by using the forbidden art of Human Transmutation. Because they didn't bother with the law of "Equivalent Exchange", Alphonse lost his whole body and Edward lost his left leg to an entity which can only be described as a horde of greedy black kids. After realizing what has happened, Edward also sacrificed his right arm so he could affix Alphonse's soul to a suit of armor. Luckily, their best friend and her granny, Winry and Pinako Rockbell respectively, are both skilled "automail" engineers, which means they have the ability to create metal prostheses which work even better than the original limbs (so when the brothers get their bodies restored, their limbs could become useless again.)

Mustang and his homies. The dog is obviously the most vital member of the team.

After getting a visit from Christian Bale lookalike Roy Mustang, Edward decides to become a State Alchemist, thus joining the State Military of Amestris, often lauded for its quick and efficient annihilation of the Ishbalan race. Edward and Alphonse set out to find the Philosopher's Stone which will be able to restore their bodies, scientifically. They encounter a lot of interesting people, who end up becoming the antagonists by some weird, strange plot twist. There's this one guy named Scar who's got this huge X on his head. He also happens to be one of the few Ishbalans that haven't been annihilated yet and is apparently not very pleased about this situation. The main people causing trouble, however, aren't people at all, as it turns out. They're called homunculi and while they look like humans, they've got this nasty tendency to randomly murder people, along with some freaky mark on their body. They're also virtually indestructible because they have pieces of the Philosopher's Stone inside themselves (which makes no sense whatsoever.)

And then there's some more plot that I'm too lazy to write up (or really care) about.

The Manga

		Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Titus Andronicus bakes Tamora's sons in a pie and feeds them to her, Buffy dies twice, Richard Hatch wins, Mary Magdalene, who was married to Jesus, is buried under the pyramid in the Louvre, and the holy grail is actually their descendants, Kreia was a Sith Lord and only Atton and the Disciple saw that coming, Fry goes back in time and becomes his own grandfather, Springtime for Hitler is a huge success, Earl fakes his death again to get out of the relationship, which backfires, and then drives her to fake her own death as revenge, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

The Elric Brothers posing for a calendar, unaware it is meant to be a nude calendar.

The manga is the main story, and the second anime, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brothers in Da Hood follows it to some extent from what I believe (I don't know, I don't watch it remember?)

The story is set in a world where alchemy is the main form of science and is often used by lazy people who dislike watching D.I.Y. videos off of Youtube Two brothers, Edward and Alphonse Elric, practice alchemy and try to resurrect their dead mother using a forbidden alchemy technique called Asplode, or Human Transmutation. Ignoring the law of Equivalent Exchange, the two must pay the price. Ed's limbs are amputated and Al's entire body is stolen by mutant Cabbagepatch Kids inside the giant Gate of Truth. In order to save Al, Ed gives up his right arm and binds Al's soul to Tinman's body, making him immortal due to everyone's love for The Wizard of Oz. With help from Ed's future girlfriend Winry and her crazy senile grandma, Pinako Rockbell, Ed gets new limbs made of metal called either "Automail" or "Manual-Letter".

Determined to regain their bodies, the boys are approached by Christian Bale lookalike and resident badass Roy Mustang. Mustang tells the boys, or at least Ed, to become a State Alchemist or a dog of the military. Ed agrees, becomes a State Alchemist, and gains a dog collar and the name of "Fullmetal Alchemist", or the "One Guy That Tries To Impress People With His Voodoo Magic But Fails To Do So" aka "Shrimp Alchemist" for short. After some research, Ed and Al learn of the Philosopher's Stone, a MacGuffin with the ability to dodge Equivalent Exchange and glow red in color. With the prospect of reverting back to their old bodies once they obtain the stone, as well as the promise of acquiring free tickets for a live porn session in New Orleans, Ed and Al went ahead of themselves to find the stone. However, as the two brothers search for it, they discover a conspiracy in the military and fight against a crazed Dwayne Johnson now named "Scar", and ex-members of the Rocky Horror Picture Show called the Homunculi who plan to nuke Ed and Al's homeland of Amestris.

The manga features several characters not seen in the first anime series, like grinning idiot Ling "Hungry" Yao and panda-controlled robot girl Mei Chan.

Fullmetal Alchemist: Brothers in Da Hood

		Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Gordon Freeman accepts the G-Man's offer, Silent Bob said something, the Magratheans rebuild Earth after the Vogons destroy it, Borat marries a hooker from Dallas and returns to Kazakhstan with her, Milton burns down the building because his stapler was taken away and his desk was moved to the basement, Fayed detonates a nuke, Captain America bequethed his shield to Stephen Colbert, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

The second anime adaptation of Fullmetal Alchemist is based directly on the original manga by aforementioned talking cow. After numerous complaints about the first anime, including that Ed wasn't one-dimensional enough and that the story didn't make sense (only one of which was true), Studio Bones (which is a really good show by the way, once you watch all 12 seasons) decided that it would be a good idea to adapt the now-finished manga series into an anime. It wasn't. After I watched it all the way through, the new show was basically the manga after it snorted a ton of weed and smoked coke, as well as it plowed through the first seven volumes of the manga in about 10 episodes. Also, the first episode featured a plot that wasn't in the manga that the new guy at Bones obviously pulled out of his ass. It featured a closet Scotsman and filler character named Isaac McDougal who wanted nothing more than to buttsex the homunculus dictator of Amestris, so he decided to transmute a whole bunch of ice to smash his headquarters just to get his attention so they could play a steamy game of hide the salami. Of course, the Elric brothers, being the big damn heroes that they always are, decided to stop the angry not-Brit, but he got to meet the Fuhrer anyway. The Fuhrer was most displeased, so he cut the filler character's nipples out. At this point, everyone watching, their eyes bleeding, skipped the first twelve episodes to see if anything would actually contribute to the plot. Sadly, their heads exploded from the incredibly (and unnecessarily) complicated plot.

Characters

Main Characters

• Edward Elric is the main protagonist and resident source for crazy screaming fangirls. Known as the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward has metal limbs made of left over pepsi cans and is often noted for being a midget. When called "short", "pipsqueak", or "Oompa Loompa", he goes bat fuck insane and kills the nearest person, although he is often stopped by Alphonse. Edward is a skilled fighter, learning from Jackie Chan, and can perform alchemy by clapping his hands together. After his mother's death, Edward gave some short notice to Alphonse that they would grow up and revive their mom, their human transmutation attempt. Edward obviously lost his leg and arm and grew shorter as a result. In the manga, Edward is one of Daddy's sacrifices to carry out his evil plan, while in the first anime, he owned Greed, and then ended up in Germany with Alphonse to find the first nuclear bomb, but likely failed if one knows history. In the anime, Edward is voiced by legendary voice actor and apparent sex machine Vic Mignogna. In the japanese verson, his voice actor is the all-around awesome Romi Park, who, yes, is a woman... but no-one can really tell.

• Alphonse Elric Commander of the pussy conspiracy, Al is Edward's younger brother. Referred to as "kindess in a can", which ended up spawning a food product called "Alphood". Al died at the start of the anime and was replaced with a LOLcat-huffing robot with Al's personality. Often mistook for the Fullmetal Alchemist, Alphonse is not bothered by it unlike Edward. In the manga, Alphonse did not die but learned how to perform alchemy by clapping his hands, after King Bradley killed Indiana Jones' girlfriend Martel. As for his body, it turned into a blonde Gollum searching for his soul. At the end of the first anime, Robot-Al died to resurrect the real Al, but the real one came back as an angst-filled guy who thought he was Edward and dressed up like him. He was reunited with Edward and went to Germany with him to do absolutely nothing.

• Winry Rockbell is Ed and Al's best friend and the only mechanic in the whole entire universe. She lives in Risembool with her crazy nicotine-addicted midget grandma Pinako and a three-legged door named Den. Her parents were killed in a war called the Ishbal Massacre, by Scar in the manga and Mustang in the anime (but who cares.) She generally loses her mind after finding out who killed her parents, trying to kill Scar with a Nerf super soaker, and trying to kill Mustang by making him have an emotional breakdown by calling him by his first name (to be honest, I would act the same way.) Winry is a skilled mechanic, and miffed due to not being invited on Top Gear. She can go Bat Fuck Insane like Edward, but she kills people by throwing wrenches at them instead. She spends most of the manga and the two animes whining about her dead parents, trying to look "edgey", and deciding on which Elric brother she wants to bang.

Mustang and his homies. The dog is Edward.

• Roy Mustang. Also known as Colonel Badass, he is the second main source of fangirls, Roy Mustang is Colonel of the Wacky Brigade, Spokesman of the Tiny Miniskirt Fanclub, and the Barbecue Alchemist. He wears funky gloves made from Michael Bay's skin that can cause explosions when he snaps his fingers, so it causes some problems when he's snapping them to the beat of music. An egomaniac, Mustang intends to be Fuhrer in the future. In the manga, Mustang becomes a rebel against the military and becomes the fifth sacrifice for Father, having his sight removed for some unexplained reason and mainly for something he didn't do himself. Ironically, he loses an eye in the anime too and wears an eyepatch and becomes a pirate. It is unknown though if he finally managed to board Hawkeye's ship to grab her booty.

• Maes Hughes is Mustang's best friend and a former stand-up comedian. Despite his friendly disposition, he really despises his daughter Elicia, and shows photos of her to other people until they go mentally-insane and die. He likes throwing knives around too, and always keep a couple of them hidden in his belt just in case. Hughes is killed by Envy after he photographs the latter making out with Greed. Despite his odd personality and little to no appearance, he is wildly popular among fans, maybe because they are as retarded as he is.

• Riza Hawkeye is Mustang's lady friend and a sniper rifle in human form. Hawkeye loves guns and often fires them at random people and/or animals when annoyed. She has a dog named Black Hayate who she shoots at every time he pees or poops on the wall. She also has a huge tattoo on her back made by a cheap tattoo artist from South Australia. In the manga, Hawkeye has her throat slashed and somehow survives this. She's just that awesome. It is alleged that she has the hots for Roy but she's just playing hard to get because she knows it turns him on even more.

Major Armstrong greets others by throwing his Fullmetal Alchemist merchandise at them.

• Major Armstrong. An emotional man who is a dead meme from 2010' long lost cousin. Former porn star, he still has a habit of throwing off his shirt, and sometimes his underwear too from time to time (Ed really likes this, although he doesn't show it), to flex his muscles around. Considered a menace to society, Armstrong was given a 500ft restraining order from approaching any living individual, except the Elric Brothers and Mustang. Known as the Muscle Flex Alchemist, Armstrong has Superman's strength and can create large alchemy statues of himself, in what he calls artistic alchemy. At the end of the anime, Armstrong invaded Lior and proclaimed himself to be Jesus Christ, founding the Church of Sparkly Stars, also known as Scientology. Obviously still in the closet on his sexuality.

• Scar, formerly known as Dwayne Johnson, is an angry Ishbalan who survived the Ishbalan Massacre, really a war in Hollywood where multiple actors fought film executives. Having an X-shaped scar on his head made by a waffle maker, a funky tattoo on his arm that can blow stuff up, and a dead brother, turned Scar into a dude who wishes to kill all State Alchemists. However, he turns good over time and becomes Winry's hitman in the manga. In the anime, Scar did a lot of manual labor work in Lior, but upon learning he would star in a film called Moana, he went insane and killed himself, turning Al into the Tinman Philosopher's Stone in the process.

• Hohenheim is Ed and Al's father. He's really old. Really, REALLY old. Also known as Hohenheim of Light and Van Helsing, he left his family due to being immortal, but returned to provide some comic relief goofiness and be a badass when needed. He died in the anime after watching Edward's version of The Producers, crushing himself in-between Envy's jaws, who was his son in the anime.

Homunculi

The Homunculi are the main villains of the franchise, being former members of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. They wear gothic clothes, and all have the Ouroboros Tattoo somewhere on their bodies. In the manga, the seven Homunculi are made from Father's emotions. In the anime, they are undead humans created via human transmutations. They can be killed by throwing their former bodies at them (with the notable exception of Wrath, who IS his former body).

• 

  Lust - Resident fanboy source. Needs serious work on her nails. Way more likable in the 2003 series.

• 

  Gluttony - Fat, bald, creepy guy who is Lust's boyfriend. whose favorite food happened to be small children.

• 

  Envy - Genderfluid palm tree with an identity complex.

• 

  Greed - Pimpmaster 3000 XD, rogue Homunculus, turns into Venom. Is polyromantic.

• 

  Sloth - Hey you guys!!!

• 

  Wrath - King of the world, wears an eyepatch, and has cool swords. Also has and mysterious affection for melon.

• 

  Pride - One of the kids in this photo, Wrath's son.

• 

  Wrath (Anime) - Crazy cute kid, who has Ed's limbs which he got for half-price on Craigslist. May or may not be gay, from all the fanfiction we've seen (or is he bi? we'll never know!).

• 

  Sloth (Anime) - Ed Edd, and Al's mother.

• 

  Father - Hohenheim's twin, father of the Homunculi. Really Tim Curry.

• 

  Dante - Leader of the Homunculi in anime. Skank and poohead. Also tried running for President at one point.

Everyone Else

• Zolf J. Kimbley is a man who is a fan of Michael Bay and is very sadistic. He killed a lot of Ishbalans including Scar's brother. In the manga, he is heavily inspired by Michael Jackson, dressing in the clothes he wore in "Smooth Criminal". In the anime, he left the show to pursue a career in CSI, whilst in the manga, he becomes one with Pride, in a non-shota way.
• Frank Archer appears only in the first anime. An extremely pale man, Archer is often mistaken for being dead. He quits the series, becoming the T-1000 for the fifth Terminator film, and dies onscreen from rust when shot by Riza Hawkeye with a water pistol. Not to be confused with "Mr. GAR" Archer from Fate/Stay Night.
• Izumi Curtis is Ed and Al's badass alchemy teacher. She is married to a bearded hulk of a guy named Sieg, but had an affair with Edward and Alphonse because she just couldn't resist young boys full of vigor and their small dicks. She tried to revive her dead baby but lost half her intestines along with a spleen or two as a price, so she coughs up a lot of blood and hairballs all the time. She dies from a lack of screentime in the first anime. In the manga, Hohenheim did some Ancient Philosopher's Stone Magic, and brutally rearranged what little internal organs she has left in order to buy her more screentime.
• Pinako Rockbell, Winry's crazy midget grandma. She has an addiction to nicotine and vapes all the time. As a result, Winry has become a passive-regressive smoker. On happy hour nights, she also vapes her special "Granny's Secret Recipe Magical Tobacco" which she grows in a well hidden little place in the back of the house. Back in the days she was the village's most babe-a-licious chick, also known as a MILF, she dated Hohenheim before she got too old and he dumped her for Trisha. As for the drastic change in her looks, as she says herself "When 900 years you reach, look as good, you will not."
• Rose, really Sakura Haruno from Naruto, hoping to get a new lease on life after being ditched by Sasuke Uchiha. In the first anime, she gets drunk and has a baby, although Edward looks away whenever the father is mentioned.
• Nina Tucker, a cute little girl with no brain. She is turned into a Pokemon by her father and killed by Scar and Team Rocket.
• Shou Tucker, the Sewing-Life Alchemist. Tucker turned his daughter into a Pokemon, and then did the same to himself in the anime. He is killed by Scar in the manga.
• Doctor Marcoh, an old man and former State Alchemist who ran and hid. He was found by Ed, Al and Major Armstrong and then captured by Envy for no reason. He plays a big role in Envy's defeat, causing his body to asplode.
• Yoki, a retard who is comic relief. Killed in the anime when someone spitwads him in the back of the head.
• Mei Chan, a cute little badass girl who can perform alchemy and kick ass. She is really a robot controlled by her psychotic midget pet panda.
• Olivier Milla Armstrong is Major Armstrong's sister. In charge of Fort Knox, Olivier is obsessed with war, having played Call of Duty Infinite Warfare all of her life. She has swords but doesn't need to use them often, since she can actually kill a man with a mere gaze.
• Jean Havoc, Mustang's ass monkey and sex machine. He smokes a lot and sucks at life. He is put into a wheelchair by Lust in the manga, but comes back as a weapons smuggler to refill the gang's ammo when they rebel. With a goatee.
• Heymans Breda, a slob who claims to be a soldier. Always eats some thing or other.
• Kain Fuery, a meek little guy with glasses, surprisingly un-badass despite his name.
• Vato Falman, Brock's lost uncle.
• Maria Ross and Dennis "Denny" Blockhead, two members of the military. Ross was accused of Hughes' death but fled the country, only to return later to drive a truck. Blockhead is emotionally attached to Ross and has no brain, he's also known to be Charlie Brown
• Sheska, a talking bookworm who falls over a lot and has narrowly escaped several assassination attempts by her own books. In her spare time, she writes fan-fiction, usually between her and Hughes.
• The Chimera Gang, several guys who can turn into Pokemon. The group consists of Jeruso who turns into a frog, Zanpano who turns into a thing, Commissioner Gordon, and Donkey Kong.
• Ling Yao, a guy from Japan (dubbed "Xing" in the franchise), Ling is a lazy-ass freeloader who is actually a prince like Vegeta. Prone to death by hunger. He wishes to become immortal so he can outlive his dad. He ends up becoming the second incarnation of Greed (who immediately went to Hollywood and stopped doing anime, surprisingly enough). Later on, he is cursed to turn into an anthropomorphic horse, making him more hotter as an animal and much more, more, more, handsome when he, as a horse, has anal sex with Ed.
• Ran Fan, Ling's assassin-bodyguard and secretly transgender girlfriend. She lost her arm to a dog and gets a metal badass one instead.
• Fu, Ran Fan's grouchy grandad. He has an awesome 'stach that give him the power to kick ass in style and that gives him wi-fi connection, because you know Comcast won't give you any. He is killed by Bradley after being pitied by Mr. T.
• Captain Buccaneer, the most awesome Asian ever. Has a metal arm which doubles as a gun and a chainsaw in one, but he was killed by Bradley after a long and drawn-out fight.
• Major Miles, the only Ishbalan in the military. Okay, it's only from his grandpa and he grew up in Amestris, so what? He still counts as one.
• Noa, a crybaby claiming to be a gypsy who appeared in the first movie. So annoying that her family sold her to the Nazis for a hefty price, claiming that she could somehow see the future (yeah, right!) and also because she's a Jew. She's Rose's counterpart, but without the fancy fuchsia bangs.
• Alfons Heiderich, Al's TALLER German doppelganger. He coughs up a lot of blood from getting high with all kinds of exhaust pipe fumes and has the hots for Edward. Either that, or he's bisexual.
• Dieting Eckart, Some foolish woman in charge of the Fool Society. She went bonkers and was shot by Hughes. Way to go, Nazi Hughes!
• 66 (Barry The Chopper), A butcher who recently discovered his fetish for necrophilia after slicing and dicing for too many years.
• Black Hayate, A dog emotionally and physically abused by Riza Hawkeye.