UnScripts:Bureau of time management
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| Dave | Now from the top. The bureau of time management is a bureau for changing, deleting, removing, adding, subtracting or multiplying time itself. If it still exists. Has it always existed? Will it always exist? What do you think? |
| Mr. Horseradish | Since we deal with managing time, we have to have always existed. Without that, how could we have managed time if we didn't exist in the time it took to manage time? |
| Dave | Now you're simply confusing me Mr. Horseradish. If we can change time, shouldn't we be in an alternate universe free from the effects of time itself? We couldn't manage anything if we had to follow the same rules we're managing. |
| Mr. Horseradish | You're one to talk about confusion, Dave. We can't be in an alternate universe; the very definition of "alternate universe" means we can't change a single subatomic particle in any other universe, much less time itself. |
| Dave | We could (could have, will?) use wormholes to access different universes and edit time itself there. |
| Mr. Horseradish | Wormholes? Are you completely stupid? At most, they're hypothetical constructs that could be used as cosmic shortcuts. Not very revolutionary. |
| Dave | I don't like the tone of your voice. In fact, I'm going to edit time so we didn't have this conversation in the first place. Why do you have to resort to petty insults to get our way? |
| Dave | Isn't that nifty? |
| Mr. Horseradish | I see that you're still an idiot. Remember? We're impervious to changes in time. We're like the sysops of the space time continuum. Furthermore, this is a bureau, so you should have signed all the proper paperwork and followed the correct procedures. We're a bureaucracy. It's in the name. |
| Dave | Don't worry, old chum! On the bright side, nothing really serious happened. For example, Lithuania's invading the eastern seaboard right as we speak; all according to our master plan... wait. Was that supposed to happen? |
| Mr. Horseradish | If I was a physical entity, I would slap you. For eternity. I can do that, you know. |
| Dave | That's wonderful coming from someone named after some tuber that looks like a dong. A giant, egotistical, pretentious metaphysical dong. Hehehe dong. It's clever because you're a dick. BURN. |
| Mr. Horseradish | Your immaturity knows no bounds, but what else can I expect from a whiny newcomer. Also, I thought the name was proper, unlike "Dave". What type of name is that? It's so unoriginal. Everyone knows a person named Dave. |
| Dave | "Newcomer"? So what if I mysteriously appeared due to the random fluctuations of reality and probability a few billion years later than you? Does that make you special? I've had a billions of years of experience with this job, and I've only flubbed it once... or twice. |
| Mr. Horseradish | Three times if you count the time when that super massive black hole almost— |
| Dave | It was affecting all of space and time and I had to take a nap! It was your shift! You know what, I'm tired of you. No longer will you annoy me with your gibberish, for I will make a new companion! |
| Mr. Horseradish | Oh dear... |
| Dave | Allow me to introduce to you my new companion. Meet Robot Companion! |
| Robot Companion | 45 58 54 45 52 4d 49 4e 41 54 45 0d 0a! 45 58 54 45 52 4d 49 4e 41 54 45 0d 0a! 45 58 54 45 52 4d 49 4e 41 54 45 0d 0a! 45 58 54 45 52 4d 49 4e 41 54 45 0d 0a! 45 58 54 45 52 4d 49 4e 41 54 45 0d 0a!
|
| Dave | Unfortunately, she only speaks in Hexadecimal, so you'll have to let her adjust to her surroundings. |
| Mr. Horseradish | What the hell? I haven't the slightest idea who "she" is! |
| Robot Companion | 45 58 54 45 52 4d 49 4e 41 54 45 0d 0a!
|
| Mr. Horseradish | SHUT UP. |
| Dave | Mr. Horseradish! Don't yell at my robot companion! Did mean Mr. Horseradish hurt you? Did he hurt you? You're okay, Robot Companion? Yes you are! Who's a good robot companion. You are! You are! I willed her into existence several billion years ago, but you didn't know that, did you, Mr. Horseradish? |
| Mr. Horseradish | I don't care, and I want "her" out this instant. You've done a lot of awful things in the past, present, and future, but this has to be one of the worst. Top ten even. |
| Dave | Nope. Not going to happen. She is going to stay with us whether you want her to or not. If you can't accept her as part of the bureau then... then... you're not part of the Bureau of time management anymore! You may as well will yourself out of existence, cause I have no use for you or your interminable negativity. |
| Mr. Horseradish | I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. Really, I can't. It's impossible. I've tried trillions of times, but I'm stuck here with you. Every time I try to will myself out of existence, I always reappear instantly, right next to you. |
| Dave | You've never told me this. Did you hate me that much? |
| Mr. Horseradish | Yes. |
| Robot Companion | 45 58 54 45 52 4d 49 4e 41 54 45 0d 0a!
|
| Mr. Horseradish | Shut your robot trap or I swear to entropy that I will turn you into a robot catheter, do you understand!? |
| Robot Companion | 45 58 54 45 52 4d 49 4e 41 54 45 0d 0a!
|
| Dave | This is very awkward, knowing that I've driven you to suicide at least several trillion times. What do we do now? |
| Mr. Horseradish | Bowling? |
| Dave | Bowling would be nice. |
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