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Today's Featured Article Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge. Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one. Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again! Hold on... Why is my hair roller in here? Wait... This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill? Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault. Just a minute... WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...) Recently featured: Why?:Is there a monkey in my fridge? John Marshall You Rob Gronkowski Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... ... that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (Pictured) ... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living? ... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you? ... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else? ... that 100% of divorces start with marriage? ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish? ... that those actually were the droids you were looking for? ... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord? ... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured) ... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one? ... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now? ... that Ram Ranch really rocks? ... that my mom's name is also Martha? ... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory? ... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise? ... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'? ... that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (Pictured) ... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living? ... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you? ... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else? ... that 100% of divorces start with marriage? ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish? ... that those actually were the droids you were looking for? ... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord? ... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured) ... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one? ... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now? ... that Ram Ranch really rocks? ... that my mom's name is also Martha? ... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory? ... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise? ... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'? ... that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (Pictured) ... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living? ... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you? ... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else? ... that 100% of divorces start with marriage? ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish? ... that those actually were the droids you were looking for? ... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?	In the news "Come! Come support my tacky AI website!" Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • YouTube • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z) • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about On this day... February 22: International Day of Spam 1996 - Need money quick? Need money now? Get a Payday Loan today! It's not like you have a choice you poor piece of shit haha. 1998 - Got bills you need to pay? Some student loans looming overhead? Donate some plasma to literal blood-sucking capitalists. 1999 - There are hot singles in your area! I don't think you can do anything with that information, I just wanted to tell you. 2001 - Retro fans! Buy a complete box set of every movie and television series released during the 1980s, only $25,999.99! comes in fourteen trucks. 2005 - Buy the last 49,367 Blu-ray discs of Peter Jackson's opus King Kong, I don't know use it as tinsel it's starting to leak chemicals. 2011 - Look like your best self, buy our signature collection of foundation and concealer, made from the ground up bones of the long extinct sea cow.
Today's featured picture A WWI-era Jarhead recruiting poster helped to bring many new recruits into the beloved US Marine Corps. Image credit: One-eyed_Jack View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners You have less than a week, just 6 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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