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Today's featured article The documents contained herein are of a confidential, classified nature, hence the large red stamp to be found atop this passage. They have been classified according to Provision 401q of the Super-secret Document Protection Act of 1965. That means that not even Greg from accounting is allowed to view the observations, inferences, quibbles, and miscellanea contained in the aforementioned documents. Gives you some perspective, doesn't it. Therefore and thus, someone thinking about, considering, and/or about to open this manila folder in which these documents are contained is subject to torture by unpleasant bodily means at an undisclosed location. Oops, it's already open. Oh well, no crime there. (Full article...) Recently featured: Foreign accent syndrome CaseOh Conspiracy Theory Generator Why?:Is there a monkey in my fridge? Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... ... that the waterways of Oslo, Norway are much like Venice, except that they are open sewers? (Pictured) ... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it? ... that I am writing this from beyond the grave? ... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet? ... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A? ... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst? ... that the butler did it? ... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution? ... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured) ... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm? ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside? ... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down? ... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%? ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one? ... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter? ... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"? ... that the waterways of Oslo, Norway are much like Venice, except that they are open sewers? (Pictured) ... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it? ... that I am writing this from beyond the grave? ... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet? ... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A? ... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst? ... that the butler did it? ... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution? ... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured) ... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm? ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside? ... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down? ... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%? ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one? ... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter? ... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"? ... that the waterways of Oslo, Norway are much like Venice, except that they are open sewers? (Pictured) ... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it? ... that I am writing this from beyond the grave? ... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet? ... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A? ... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst? ... that the butler did it? ... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?	In the news Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured) Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over • Team Canada rethinking life Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Winter Olympics • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • YouTube • Tom Noonan • Eric Dane • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team • Some Nerd named Robert Carradine • Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • M-m-m-Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and other Iranian leaders Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (according to Wikipedia) • Avicii (according to Wikipedia) Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy and snow handling capability • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files • the US government, again • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to remember • Mexico • Smiling Friends On this day... March 4: Galileo Galileo Galileo Figaro 1849 - Mama, just killed a man, put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he's dead. 1852 - Mama, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away. 1855 - Mama, ooh, didn't mean to make you cry, if I'm not back again this time tomorrow. 1861 - Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters. 1862 - Too late, my time has come, sending shivers down my spine, bodies aching all the time. 1865 - Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go, gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. 1874 - Mama, ooh, I don't want to die, sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all.
Today's featured picture Thank you, George! But you must still look in 7 more countries to find nuclear weapons! Image credit: User:Citation-Seer View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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