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Today's featured article Archaeology, or archæology (from Αρχαίος, nobody cares, and Λογος, the study of not caring) is the study of really really old stuff. Many people confuse archaeology with archeology due to the almost identical spelling and the fact that they mean the same thing. While seemingly pointless, archaeologists assert that we can learn lots of new things by looking at old things, despite the immediate logical impossibilities. Most archaeologists are full of theories with their "carbon dating" witchcraft. As Archaeology for Kids! host Bryan Williamson once said, "I mean, carbon atoms don't have sex, do they? Why should they date then if they can't do anything freaky with electrons in the privacy of a high speed collision chamber? Ok now I have got that off my chest, I will return to imagining how dead people once lived." The first reported archaeologist was a king of Babylonia called Nabonidus in the 6th century B.C. He was so keen at preserving old buildings that he neglected to look after his country and was overthrown by Cyrus the Great of Persia. Modern historians, who are to archaeologists as strippers are to losers, know this to be true as Nabonidus's discarded monogrammed shorts and trowel were found embedded in ancient ruins that belonged to civilisations much older than his. (Full article...) Recently featured: HowTo:Rearrange the deckchairs on the Titanic Biffy Clyro Foreign accent syndrome CaseOh Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... ... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured) ... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox? ... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does? ... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies? ... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation? ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more? ... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst? ... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's? ... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured) ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about... ... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die? ... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate? ... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio? ... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit? ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more? ... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period? ... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured) ... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox? ... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does? ... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies? ... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation? ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more? ... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst? ... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's? ... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured) ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about... ... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die? ... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate? ... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio? ... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit? ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more? ... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period? ... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured) ... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox? ... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does? ... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies? ... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation? ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more? ... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst? ... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?	In the news Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured) Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons On this day... March 18: World Happiness Day 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire. 1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder. 1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass." 1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun. 1985 - Australia's version of EastEnders premieres to the public, however, it made Aussies more happier than expected. 1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks. 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found. 2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.
Today's featured picture The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it. Image credit: Serge Billault View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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