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Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?

... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?

...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?

... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?

... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?

...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?

... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?

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"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!" Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths*: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy* (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z) • Melania Trump's big movie star career Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about UnNews – Radio Free Lunch
On this day...
February 22: International Day of Spam 1996 - Need money quick? Need money now? Get a Payday Loan today! It's not like you have a choice you poor piece of shit haha. 1998 - Got bills you need to pay? Some student loans looming overhead? Donate some plasma to literal blood-sucking capitalists. 1999 - There are hot singles in your area! I don't think you can do anything with that information, I just wanted to tell you. 2001 - Retro fans! Buy a complete box set of every movie and television series released during the 1980s, only $25,999.99! comes in fourteen trucks. 2005 - Buy the last 49,367 Blu-ray discs of Peter Jackson's opus King Kong, I don't know use it as tinsel it's starting to leak chemicals. 2011 - Look like your best self, buy our signature collection of foundation and concealer, made from the ground up bones of the long extinct sea cow. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

Today's doubleplusgood picture

Trump in peach, after getting in peached.

Image credit: User:DoctorJones
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

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