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Reformed Orthodox Rabbi William "Bill" Clinton (born August 19, 1946) is an American politician, former childcare worker, former amateur saxophonist, and swingin' bachelor. As the 42nd President of the United States, and the horniest man to hold that position since JFK, he led America through the economic golden age of the '90s.

Clinton is famous for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which everything he said during his second term is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. In his first term, he was a Liberal, but in his second term, he was a Neocon; that was his way of bringing about change.

Clinton's term in office was marred by economic and political reform. The most serious was some bitch named Hillary, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually slept with him. This was widely ignored by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly cheating on the First Lady with Hillary, in a perverse affair that culminated in a media frenzy. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that in another time and place Rod Serling existed as a discarded cardboard cutout on the set of the Twilight Zone? (Pictured)

... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?

... that President Hoover (Pictured) was an actual hoover?

... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?

... that in another time and place Rod Serling existed as a discarded cardboard cutout on the set of the Twilight Zone? (Pictured)

... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?

... that President Hoover (Pictured) was an actual hoover?

... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?

... that in another time and place Rod Serling existed as a discarded cardboard cutout on the set of the Twilight Zone? (Pictured)

... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?

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In the news
Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd. World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Elite Eight Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too UnNews – Radio Free Lunch**
On this day...
March 31: Condom Appreciation Day 4000 BC - Babylonians create the first wooden condoms (Pictured), resulting in much fewer unexpected pregnancies and many, many, many more splinter-related injuries. 1865 - The modern condom is introduced, consisting of sheep stomach lining coated with sulfuric acid. It is quixotically not well received. 1939 - With the invention of latex, the modern modern condom is introduced, single handedly ending the Great Depression. 1961 - Condoms are mentioned on television for the first time, in an episode of The Flintstones entitled Put It Back In. 1970 - National No-Condom decade kicks off at Studio 69 in New York City. 2009 - The Pope claims that condoms increase the number of people with AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa, in a similar manner to how exercise is unhealthy and cheeseburgers eat people. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

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Jesus is to his followers as a shepherd is to someone else's flock.

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