Doubleplusgood Article
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WASHINGTON DC - Over a week after the historic health care bill was passed, President Barack Obama gave his seven hundredth speech on health care reform today in front of the United States Congress. Addressing the nation in the most serious expression and tone, the President said:
"My fellow Americans: April Fools!"
This left a cold silence in the house, broken only by the President's own hysterical laughter. After calming down and catching his breath, President Obama explained the joke to the confused masses:
You're probably wondering what's so funny. I'll tell you what's funny: The health care bill! The entire thing. It's one big, fat joke!
Think about it: Forcing everyone to buy insurance in order to lower premium costs? That's preposterous! It completely defies the law of supply and demand! Just saying it out loud reveals it's absurdity! And let's not forget the new regulations on insurance companies and added taxation. You'd think I was actually trying to keep prices up! Rest assured, though, if by chance you won't be able to afford health insurance after these policies take effect, you'll still receive quality, free health care once you're thrown into prison!
Many out there are not worried about the economic details, but more concerned about the coverage they already have. You remember I said, "If you're satisfied with your insurance, you can keep it." Well, I want to make it completely clear once again: The government will do absolutely nothing to interfere with your current insurance policy. However, your cheapskate Scrooge of a boss has every right to dump your sorry behind on the government plan if he wants to save a few dollars! Of course, seniors want to know my solution to the upcoming Medicare deficit. In a nutshell, we're basically going to expand it to everyone!
Seriously, people, Fascism wasn't this back-asswards! Oh my God, if only you could see your faces America! (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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- ... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
- ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
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- ... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
- ... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
- ... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
- ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
- ... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
- ... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
- ... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?
- ... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
- ... that Godot isn't coming?
- ... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
- ... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
- ... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
- ... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
- ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
- ... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
- ... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
- ... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
- ... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
- ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
- ... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
- ... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
- ... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?
- ... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
- ... that Godot isn't coming?
- ... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
- ... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
- ... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
- ... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
- ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
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