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Monday, February 19, 2018, 08:05 (UTC)
Thirteen Russks, whattaya get?
UnNews:Thirteen Russks, whattaya get?
WASHINGTON -- Tweeting orangutan and former real estate mogul and game show host Donald Trump not only had an affair with porn star Stormy Daniels, but also one with a Playboy Bunny. And that's not even the biggest bombshell that dropped Friday. Special Counsel Robert Mueller has indicted thirteen of those pesky Russkies and three Russian entities for their role in attempting to rig the 2016 election in favor of Trump. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT ALSO rigging the primaries in a similar fashion -- favoring Trump over Republican challengers such as Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio; and favoring Bernie Sanders over Hillary Clinton.

Russians created fake social media profiles (How many are actually real, though? That hot college chick is actually an 82-year-old woman... and sometimes not even a woman!), entered the United States, posed as Trump supporters and a few posed as fake protesters. They hired somebody to play Hillary in a prison uniform. And one American (not within Trump's circle), Richard Pinedo, is charged with identity theft/fraud in connection to all this.

Deputy Attorney General (and Mueller's boss) Rod Rosenstein held a press conference to announce this news publicly. A very ballsy move, versus a simple press release, because Mueller and Co. have just come forward to tell Trump that they are bulletproof and, simply put, Trump is not a legitimate president, never has been. He was never even legitimately the party's nominee. If the election had played fairly, it would have been Hillary vs. Rubio or Hillary vs. Cruz. So no matter what, the Republican Party was screwed.

Lorde fans mistakenly attend Lordi concert
UnNews:Lorde fans mistakenly attend Lordi concert
BERLIN -- Ashley Hampton, 13, from Denver, Colorado is a huge fan of New Zealand pop singer Lorde. So she was ecstatic when her parents bought tickets to see her in Berlin of all places.

"I was going to Berlin anyway, for a business trip," says her father, Steve, 40.

When Ashley and her parents arrived at The Mercedes-Benz Arena, they were horrified to discover that none of the four men on stage wearing Orc costumes were the singer born Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O'Connor -- who is best known for such hits as "Royals," "Team," "Tennis Court," "Homemade Dynamite," and "Green Light."

"Ashley's obviously scarred for life," says Steve. "But that 'Hard Rock Hallelujah' was pretty damn catchy."

Steve had mistakenly bought tickets to see Lordi-- a Finnish hard rock/metal band and shameless GWAR ripoff who, while never being huge in the United States, is best known for their Eurovision song, UK Top 40 hit, and Finland #1 hit, "Hard Rock Hallelujah."
Read the Nunes memo
UnNews:Read the Nunes memo
WASHINGTON -- The clowns and comedians in our nation's capital have released that ill-advised memo that Devin Nunes (R-CA), on-again/off-again head of the House Intelligence Committee's Russiagate probe, concocted to discredit the Robert Mueller investigation into Trump's wrongdoing.

Here's where it gets confusing. There are three versions of the memo: The one Nunes "originally" wrote, a rebuttal written by Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA), and an altered version of Nunes's memo. The latter was submitted to the Trump administration for review. The FBI warned Trump not to release this memo, as it would make him look bad.

Here now, is the Devin Nunes memo as it was released today. Keep in mind that the whole thing is bullshit and does, in fact, make Trump, and Nunes himself, look guilty as sin. This memo is such a farce, that we present it to you in Comic Sans. Also, all typos are sic.

Mass shooting in America
UnNews:Mass shooting in America
From 2016. Repurposed to reflect the 2018 school shooting in Florida. We can never measure the loss the world has suffered from the senseless shooting in Florida. Words can never express the grief and sorrow the families of the NUMBER victims must be feeling. Our words can do little to help mend the wounds caused by this act of "HATE". Only our actions can stop the violence we've seen in Florida, LOCATION#2 and LOCATION#4 billion. Only our vigilance and our resolve can help end these tragedies. (Oh, and maybe a little thing called gun control laws and background checks!)
Van Halen's first album: 40 years later
UnNews:Van Halen's first album: 40 years later
Tuesday marked 40 years since Van Halen released its landmark self-titled debut album on Warner Bros. Records. Ever since the release of this groundbreaking album, the names Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth have never been forgotten, and the electric guitar has never been the same.

Eddie reinvented the guitar physically, musically and sonically -- combining elements of a Fender Strat with those of a Gibson SG or Les Paul into what he called a "Frankenstrat." He put these really crazy stripes on his guitar and used his whammy bar like he was masturbating.

Let us look back on this musical landmark, which I've just listened to in full on HDCD.
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