The Whirlpool Galaxy (Messier 51a), a gravitationally bound system of billions of stars located approximately 15-35 million light-years from Earth, has filed a restraining order against Neil deGrasse Tyson. Tyson, an astrophysicist and science educator, has been embroiled in controversy following several accusations of sexual misconduct, including an alleged rape that occurred during the 80's, a decade dedicated almost exclusively to rape. Messier 51a had already filed a criminal complaint against Tyson due to what the spiral galaxy described as "years of repeated, unwanted surveillance" and "telescoping stalking."
With an incoming Democratic-lead House next month, the Trump Administration and the Republican Party have embraced the season of peace and harmony by proposing a festive two part economic stimulus initiative that will tackle progressive concerns such as climate change and homelessness, all the while growing the economy. However, critics have called this stimulus package less of a gift of goodwill and more of a white elephant gift exchange ultimately designed to "trigger the libs" by spiting them with their own causes.
Jeff Bezos, CEO of internet retail giant Amazon, was caught by surveillance footage stuffing an old man in a red coat inside the trunk of his car on Monday, around 7:40 AM EST. Footage of the incident (which occurred just outside the site of the soon to be built Amazon HQ2 in Long Island City) shows Bezos subduing and hogtying the oddly dressed bearded fellow, before driving to Queensbridge Park and dumping the man's body into the East River.
CBS has released its 2018-2019 midseason schedule. And since the recently-revived Murphy Brown is notably absent from the Thursday night lineup it currently occupies (or any lineup for that matter), Murphy fans, news publications, and RWNJ trolls were quick to assume the Liberaljournalism sitcom was cancelled. A show that specializes in jokes about Donald Trump, Republicans, and "potato"-misspelling former Vice PresidentDan Quayle. However, to quote Mark Twain, the reports of Murphy Brown's death have been greatly exaggerated.
Your horoscope for today: "No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!" Who knew the rosy-cheeked young boy who said that would grow up into a person making front page news, featuring the phrase "before turning the gun on himself."
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