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Monday, December 10, 2018, 02:46 (UTC)
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  The Whirlpool Galaxy (Messier 51a), a gravitationally bound system of billions of stars located approximately 15-35 million light-years from Earth, has filed a restraining order against Neil deGrasse Tyson. Tyson, an astrophysicist and science educator, has been embroiled in controversy following several accusations of sexual misconduct, including an alleged rape that occurred during the 80's, a decade dedicated almost exclusively to rape. Messier 51a had already filed a criminal complaint against Tyson due to what the spiral galaxy described as "years of repeated, unwanted surveillance" and "telescoping stalking."
  With an incoming Democratic-lead House next month, the Trump Administration and the Republican Party have embraced the season of peace and harmony by proposing a festive two part economic stimulus initiative that will tackle progressive concerns such as climate change and homelessness, all the while growing the economy. However, critics have called this stimulus package less of a gift of goodwill and more of a white elephant gift exchange ultimately designed to "trigger the libs" by spiting them with their own causes.
 Jeff Bezos, CEO of internet retail giant Amazon, was caught by surveillance footage stuffing an old man in a red coat inside the trunk of his car on Monday, around 7:40 AM EST. Footage of the incident (which occurred just outside the site of the soon to be built Amazon HQ2 in Long Island City) shows Bezos subduing and hogtying the oddly dressed bearded fellow, before driving to Queensbridge Park and dumping the man's body into the East River.
 CBS has released its 2018-2019 midseason schedule. And since the recently-revived Murphy Brown is notably absent from the Thursday night lineup it currently occupies (or any lineup for that matter), Murphy fans, news publications, and RWNJ trolls were quick to assume the Liberal journalism sitcom was cancelled. A show that specializes in jokes about Donald Trump, Republicans, and "potato"-misspelling former Vice President Dan Quayle. However, to quote Mark Twain, the reports of Murphy Brown's death have been greatly exaggerated.
  George Herbert Walker Bush, 41st President of the United States (1989-1993) and alleged gentleman, has died. He was 94. While most of the criticisms directed at Mr. Bush concern Operation Desert Storm/The Gulf War, the reversal of his "Read my lips: No new taxes" campaign poromise, and the tanking of the U.S. economy -- all of which lead to Bill Clinton's victory in the 1992 election -- as well as his son, 43rd President George W. Bush, mainstream obituaries have glossed over Mr. Bush's much darker forgotten legacy.
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