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Thursday, November 23, 2017, 07:14 (UTC)

We need to talk about net neutrality
UnNews:We need to talk about net neutrality
The FCC is planning to kill off net neutrality, which was strictly enforced by the Obama administration starting in 2015. Net neutrality is designed to prevent broadband or internet service providers from
  • blocking or slowing online content, including for competitive or political reasons. For example, Time Warner might block content from Comcast or AT&T because they are rival service providers. They might block an UnNews article because I called Trump a lying, treasonous, racist, sexist fraud with a tiny penis.
  • employing "fast lanes" by forcing companies to pay for faster speeds. This means it might cost a pretty penny just to see some stupid YouTube video of a cat in a top hat twerking to Halsey, or to watch some terrible straight-to-video movie on Netflix that got a 2% Rotten rating on Rotten Tomatoes and stars nobody you've ever heard of... at acceptable speeds.
  • charging you more across the board. See above.
We Salute Malcolm Young
UnNews:We Salute Malcolm Young
If Saturday, November 18, 2017, weren't a shitty enough day for me (don't ask), we at UnNews learned that Malcolm Young, legendary founding rhythm guitarist for AC/DC, has died. He had been forced to retire in 2014 due to early-onset dementia. The news of his death is devastating, especially to me. Everyone here at UnNews is a huge fan of AC/DC. You have to be, or else you're fired. While Angus gets all the credit, it's Malcolm who created those iconic riffs. Back in Black. TNT. Highway to Hell. For Those About to Rock. Whole Lotta Rosie. Dirty Deeds. Thunderstruck. The list goes on and on. Malcolm was the boss and what he said went. He was the band's spokesman and chief architect. He is as much AC/DC as Angus, Bon and Brian. As much AC/DC as Cliff Williams and Phil Rudd.

We Salute Malcolm Young
UnNews:We Salute Malcolm Young
Editor's note: From UnNews/UnTunes:The ridiculously self-indulgent, ill-advised Malcolm Young obituary, which because of it's prefix, is not officially recognized as either an UnNews nor an UnTunes.

MY HEART -- So I've just heard that Malcolm Young, one of the founders of AC/DC, has passed away, by looking at Dave Mustaine's and Dave Grohl's Instagrams. And after reading Dave Grohl's amazing obituary, I've decided to write one of my own. The title of this obituary is a parody of "Weird Al" Yankovic's upcoming tour, where he will sing nothing but original songs, hopefully including his AC/DC/Mötley Crüe tribute/parody "Young, Dumb & Ugly".

The only AC/DC album I've ever owned is Stiff Upper Lip. I used this album to make my first contact with heavy metal, probably because the song "Highway to Hell" seemed too scary/hellish for me at the time. [Editor's note: Sorry to butt in, but "Highway to Hell" refers to the arduous task of touring and going out on the road endlessly, hence a "highway to hell." It has nothing to do with Satanism.]
David Cassidy dies at 67
UnNews:David Cassidy dies at 67
BREAKING NEWS: UnNews has just received word that 60s/70s teen idol and star of TV's The Partridge Family, David Cassidy, has died from organ failure. He was 67. He had been hospitalized since Saturday and was not expected to live, despite our best hopes.

The Partridge Family ran on ABC (1970-1975) concurrently with CBS rival The Brady Bunch (1969-1974, coincidentally how long Richard Nixon was president). When those groovy days were over, like many child stars before him and since, David Cassidy faded into obscurity.

Cassidy had also been suffering from dementia and arthritis, which made playing guitar a chore.

Mugabe falls... from power
UnNews:Mugabe falls... from power
Africa's greatest freedom fighter-turned-supervillain, Robert Mugabe, is dead. Well, not really. He's 93 and prone to falling asleep during speeches. I give it a few more years. But seriously, he's half-dead. His political career is dead, for sure. Due to impeachment processes against him, the government-sanctioned land-thief elderly African politician has been forced to resign as President of Zimbabwe.

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible.

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