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Gouverneur Morris was a Founding Father of the United States and the author of the Preamble to the United States Constitution. He was rich, influential, and wore only the finest powdered wigs. Then he shoved a whale bone up his dickhole and died. Morris was born in 1752 in Morrisania. The Morrises were the kind of wealthy landowning family that thought "Morrisania" was a perfectly normal thing to name your house and "Gouverneur" was a perfectly normal thing to name your baby. Morris's birth was a notoriously difficult one. After thirty-six hours of labor, his mother, exhausted and delirious, famously cried out, "Does my baby draw breath? Does he yet live?" "Yeah," said the midwife. "He'll be just fine as long as he doesn't shove a whale bone up his dickhole. That will be forty cents." Ironically they had to use forceps to remove them, ones made out of whalebone. That may have started a thing with Morris. (Full article...) Recently featured: China UnNews:NASA bamboozled as North Star disappears Mario Kart Presidential Wrestling Classic Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... *... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics? ... that I am writing this from beyond the grave? ... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics? ... that I am writing this from beyond the grave? ... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?	In the news "Why, Grandpa, why?!?" Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs (Pictured) Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter The UK to ban the resale of tickets Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not? Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin isn't the best idea Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT! United Kingdom sends Royal Airforce “specialists” to Belgium to fight Russian drones “invading” airports A new candidate enters the upcoming 2028 presidential race US government shitdown ends after over 1000 flights inundated with shit Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE raids • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • the New England Patriots suddenly being good again Recent deaths: YouTube player's old design • the guitarist and a security guard from KISS • June Lockhart • Nick Mangold • Jamaica • Toronto Blue Jays' World Series dreams • Donna Godchaux • Diane Ladd • Dick Cheney • Mark Butt-fumble's TV career • U.S. Government shutdown (finally!) • Tatsuya Nakadai • Sally Kirkland • The penny Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Chiefs Kingdom's livers and kidneys after realizing they might actually miss the playoffs • Weed On this day... November 21: International Couch Potato Day 1847 - The Great Irish Potato Famine reduces the number of Couch Potatoes in Scotland and Ireland by 25%. Tragically, this results in a global Deep-fried Mars Bar recession. 1877 - Thomas Edison announces his invention of the Pornograph, which is like a regular phonograph, except Edison describes to you various sex acts in shocking detail. 1922 - First female senator from Georgia introduces bill which says husbands should at least consider putting the dishes in the sink, is immediately impeached. 1963 - Lee Harvey Oswald gets laid for the last time, at least, the last time with a woman. 1974 - U.N. peacekeepers attempt to grow potatoes in Gaza, but the spuds are promptly blown up by the IDF due to growing underground. 1985 - Double agent Jonathan Pollard caught and arrested for leaking to Israel the secrets of getting lox to not be so slimy. 2013 - Protests erupt in Ukraine after Yanukovych reveals that Ukrainian language is just Russian but spelled funny. 2017 - The U.K. Supreme Court rules that jacket potatoes are potatoes covered in leather.
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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