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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.
Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.
Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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- ... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
- ... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
- ... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?
- ... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
- ... that my mom's name is also Martha?
- ... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
- ... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
- ... that grave robbing accounts for 1/3 of the average Romanian yearly income? (Pictured)
- ... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
- ... that Ram Ranch really rocks?
- ... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
- ... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
- ... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
- ... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
- ... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
 - ... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
- ... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
- ... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?
- ... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
- ... that my mom's name is also Martha?
- ... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
- ... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
- ... that grave robbing accounts for 1/3 of the average Romanian yearly income? (Pictured)
- ... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
- ... that Ram Ranch really rocks?
- ... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
- ... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
- ... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
- ... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
- ... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
- ... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
- ... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
- ... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?
- ... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
- ... that my mom's name is also Martha?
- ... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
- ... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
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In the news
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On this day...
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March 21: Vernal Equinox... Probably
- 5 AD - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast.
- 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink.
- 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel.
- 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of Rock 'n Roll being born and enjoying its peak during the Great Depression.
- 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats.
- 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance.
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