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Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge. Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one. Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again! Hold on... Why is my hair roller in here? Wait... This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill? Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault. Just a minute... WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...) Recently featured: Why?:Is there a monkey in my fridge? John Marshall You Rob Gronkowski Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... ... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured) ... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era? ... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass? ... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm? ... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal? ... that this is why we can't have nice things? ... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it? ... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin? ... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured) ... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded? ... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35? ... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra? ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about... ... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was? ... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around? ... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know. ... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured) ... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era? ... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass? ... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm? ... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal? ... that this is why we can't have nice things? ... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it? ... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin? ... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured) ... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded? ... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35? ... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra? ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about... ... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was? ... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around? ... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know. ... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured) ... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era? ... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass? ... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm? ... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal? ... that this is why we can't have nice things? ... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it? ... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?	In the news "USA! USA!" Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey (Pictured); Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over • Team Canada rethinking life Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Winter Olympics • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • YouTube • Tom Noonan • Eric Dane • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy and snow handling capability • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to remember • Mexico On this day... February 23: Vin Diesel Saying the Word "Family" Day 1455 - The Gutenberg Bible is first printed, God brags that he is now a published author. 1923 - Werner Heisenberg plans to describe the uncertainty principle to his peers, but is unsure if they'll like it or not. 1941 - Scientists first create Plutonium, but instead of getting cool superpowers they just get cancer and die. 1947 - The International Organization for Standardization is founded to make Americans feel insecure about the customary system. 1999 - Kurdish leader Abdullah Öcalan is sentenced to death by Turkey due to mustache jealousy. 2015 - Vin Diesel (Pictured) says the word family so many times it doesn't even sound like a word anymore.
Today's featured picture The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it. Image credit: Serge Billault View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners You only have 5 (five!) more days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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