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Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work. This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do. What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...) Recently featured: HowTo:Rearrange the deckchairs on the Titanic Biffy Clyro Foreign accent syndrome CaseOh Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... ... that AMC's hit series Breaking Bad Wind (Pictured) featured the actors' real farts? ... that you just lost the Game? ... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra? ... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes? ... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility? ... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask! ... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval? ... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939? ... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel? ... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia? ... that 100% of divorces start with marriage? ... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually? ... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke? ... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever? ... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio? ... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out? ... that AMC's hit series Breaking Bad Wind (Pictured) featured the actors' real farts? ... that you just lost the Game? ... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra? ... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes? ... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility? ... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask! ... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval? ... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939? ... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel? ... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia? ... that 100% of divorces start with marriage? ... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually? ... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke? ... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever? ... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio? ... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out? ... that AMC's hit series Breaking Bad Wind (Pictured) featured the actors' real farts? ... that you just lost the Game? ... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra? ... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes? ... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility? ... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask! ... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval? ... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?	In the news Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured) Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons On this day... March 15: Julius Caesar's Deathday 44 BC - Julius Caesar is stabbed to death by a conspiracy of the Roman Senate, his last words: "Oww Jesus fuck!" (Pictured) 1493 - Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after his first voyage to the New World. "What's that blood in your shoe?" asks Queen Isabella. 1917 - Tsar Nicholas II abdicates his throne, hopes to retire to a nice dingy basement with the rest of his family. 1952 - During a performance of 4'33", composer John Cage is heckled by the audience as a pretentious, lazy gasbag. Their heckling by definition becomes part of 4'33", and therefore a meta-commentary on itself: Cage is hailed as a creative genius. 1965 - President Lyndon B. Johnson advocates the Voting Rights Act as part of a fiendish Marxist ploy to get non-white people to vote and stuff. 2000 - Y2K doomsayers are just about ready to confess that they were mistaken, until they hear about the sexy new year of 2012.
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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